Secrets (49 page)

Epilogue

It turned out that there were to be three separate celebrations: two were for birthdays before Christmas and the other was the housewarming some time in the new year. Em turned two on a bright Sunday in late November, the weekend after the sale was completed on the Resolution. Although the rental apartment wasn't really home, Tess managed to throw a lovely party for her little girl. She even invited the children who had moved into their old house – and they came. You must come to our housewarming party, the new family at Resolution House told Tess and Joe as they took their leave with balloons and party bags and portions of birthday cake wrapped in napkins.

‘Our housewarming won't be until February, probably,’ Tess told them, ‘but you must come to ours too.’

Joe's birthday fell on a Sunday too. Tamsin had finally made it up from London for a long weekend. The pretext, not that one was needed, was that she could babysit so Tess could take Joe out for a fancy birthday dinner on one of the evenings. In the event, Joe ended up babysitting on the Friday night and Tamsin, Lisa and Tess ended up with a name for themselves after one too many at the Vista Mar. They had a cold, squally Saturday to recover and when Tess was busy preparing a roast that evening, Joe took Tamsin to one side.

Tamsin listened intently.

‘It's a deal, Joe,’ she said. ‘Anyway, I'm always up for a bit of sightseeing.’

Sunday dawns sunny and crisp, and Tess is surprised that Joe expresses such an interest in the weather. He never lets it impede his day; she's often teased him that he has the largest selection of cagoules possible for one man.

‘Shall we take Tamsin to see the new place?’ she suggests. She's pleased by how easily Tamsin and Joe have established a rapport.

‘Sure. Yes. But this afternoon, perhaps, before she catches her train. This morning I thought we'd take her sightseeing,’ Joe says. ‘You know – sell the charms of the area to her.’

‘Oh, she's pretty sold on it already,’ Tess tells Joe. ‘Where did you have in mind?’

‘Well, how about the Tranny? They might be bungee jumping off it this morning. Dopes on ropes – it's a crazy sight to behold.’

‘OK,’ says Tess. ‘Tamsin likes a little bit of crazy. I'll get people ready.’

‘Some crunky old bridge? In Middles-bloody-brough?’

Joe looks startled by Tamsin's response until, very fleetingly, he catches her eye in the rear-view mirror.

‘It's my birthday, woman,’ he tells Tamsin and Tess smiles that they're already at the affectionate-insult stage.

‘On Joe's tenth birthday, they detonated the Halfpenny Bridge,’ Tess tells her. ‘He watched it happen. That's what inspired him to build bridges.’

Tamsin doesn't know what or where the Halfpenny Bridge was – but she has no doubt Tess will be telling her all about it given half the chance.

‘This afternoon we're going to show you our new home,’ says Joe.

‘That's more like it,’ says Tamsin.

She is, however, bowled over by the Transporter Bridge when they arrive. The vivid cerulean blue appears to etherealize the steel massiveness of the structure.

‘Look, Em, look up there!’ Tamsin says to her goddaughter who is hitched to her hip. ‘Stark-raving mad people about to throw themselves off with only a glorified elastic band around their ankles.’

Em claps her hands accordingly.

As they crane their necks, the bridge seems to move but it's only the clouds passing by. They watch the bungee jumpers for a while, listening out for their faint countdown from on high. Three. Two. One. Bungee!

‘How do they get up there?’ Tamsin asks.

‘Steps – see over there – like fire-escape steps,’ Joe points to one of the tower legs on this shore. ‘Only steeper.’

‘Then they walk along the middle bit? Right at the top? But it looks little more than a narrow grille a mile above the river!’

‘Kennedy open mesh grating, to be precise. It's quite safe,’ Joe tells her, ‘there are handrails to either side. And it's not a mile – it's only 160 feet.’

‘I love bridges,’ Tess says dreamily. ‘Until I met Joe, I never really gave them much thought. But now I totally get them.’

‘That's a good thing,’ Joe turns to her, ‘because I'm taking you all the way up and along this one, right now.’

‘No, you're bloody not.’

‘Yes, I bloody am.’

‘You're swearing in front of the children, you two,’ says Tamsin.

‘I'm not, Joe, I can't.’

‘You can.’

‘Don't you remember what I told you?’

‘You told me you don't do beaches and you don't do heights. But you've proved to me and to yourself that the first half of that is no longer true.’

‘Joe, I really, really don't want to.’

‘I'll make it worth your while, pet. I promise you. You can trust me. You know you can. Hold my hand. I will hold your hand every step of the way.’

Tess looks up at the bridge. The walkway is suspended 160 feet over the river Tees. The walkway really is a steel grille. Apparently it is 10 feet wide though from the ground it looks far narrower. Apparently there are railings either side, but you can't really see these from way down here. The clouds are moving quite fast, giving a false but credible sensation of instability. Tess feels queasy with nerves. Her legs feel unsteady and her heart is beating faintly and way too fast. Of course she knows she can trust Joe. She knows he'll look after her and he'll hold her hand physically and emotionally without letting go. She's vaguely aware that, rationally, it's safe – the bridge has stood for almost a hundred years. But she's terrified. She simply and categorically does not want to do this. Just looking up there is making her quake.

However, then something happens to Tess. She's not sure what's caused it or how it came to be. It's an epiphany of sorts, out of the blue. She suddenly thinks to herself, bugger what I think I can or can't do – Joe wants to take me up there and if he knows I can do it, then who am I to argue. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it for him and I'll do it for me. Happy birthday, Joe – happy, happy birthday.

However, Tess can't speak; she can only tremble out her hand towards Joe. He takes it and they set off for the steep steps up. He glances over his shoulder and mouths ‘thank you’ to Tamsin.

‘Mummy and Joe are going all the way up there, Em,’ Tamsin says to Em. ‘Utterly bonkers, the things that people in love will do.’

The constriction in Tess's chest seems to have a direct effect on her vision, which is simultaneously darting but bleary. She is beyond the power of speech, desperate to focus, to take herself into a zone where she can suspend time and make a nonsense of height and just go up there, walk along it and climb back down again. The steps are very steep, very narrow, with sharp and tricky returns. Their footsteps clang. If she thinks about her footfalls she falters. Joe is talking to her, he's chosen to go behind her so she can dictate the pace and he can keep his hand steady in the small of her back. It takes a long time to climb 210 steps at that speed.

Finally, they reach the top. Tess has never fainted but she thinks that this may be what she's about to do. Breathe. Breathe. Focus. You're safe. Joe takes her hand in his and puts his other arm down her back and around her waist. They've been in this embrace before, they've been in this situation before; those first baby steps he helped her take onto the sand at Saltburn in the summer.

‘I'm going to imagine that actually, we're only a foot or so above the ground. I'm not going to look down. I'm just going to look ahead, Joe, to the other side of the bridge.’

He doesn't respond. He just lets her move onto the gangway and set the pace. There are no bungee jumpers; they've all gone now. It doesn't occur to Tess that there's no one else on the bridge at all now. She hasn't twigged that while she was bombarding Tamsin with facts and figures about bridges, Joe had walked off to greet the bridgemaster like the long-lost friend he is.

Joe observes the commitment and determination and total focus etched across her face. He sees how, every now and then, the vertigo wreaks havoc with her balance, which in turn destabilizes her resolve. But he sees how she stops and steadies herself and then moves forward again.

She'd taken baby steps on the beach that first time. But up here, though she shuffles, these are huge strides.

‘Just a little further,’ she says.

They reach the other side. She has walked 571 feet and it's taken her over ten agonizing minutes.

‘Thank God,’ she says and her voice breaks. ‘Thank God for that.’

Oh God, thinks Joe. Oh God.

‘Tess, babe – we have to turn and walk all the way back now. There's only the one flight of steps, you see.’

She's pale. She's quiet. She's motionless. She gives herself a private moment to fight the smart of tears.

‘OK,’ she says to Joe but she can't nod because it makes her more dizzy. ‘Will you hold my hand again?’

‘I haven't once let go of it.’

‘Oh yes. Silly me.’ She sounds hypnotized and in some ways she is, steeling herself for the journey by compressing herself into a zonal state.

Slowly, she sets off again. But not quite so slowly as before. She is able to say to Joe, I can't believe I'm doing this! I can't
believe
this is
me
up here.

You're incredible, he tells her. I'm so proud of you.

They are two-thirds of the way over, back towards the steps. Past the point from where the bungee jumpers leap.

‘Tess, can you manage to stop a minute?’

She finds she can just about manage to do so.

‘Can you hear me?’

She says, yes, she can.

‘I'm going to ask you something,’ Joe says, ‘and I can tell you for free that I'm currently shaking far harder than you have during this entire expedition. But I want to ask you something, Tess.’

‘Go ahead, Joe,’ she says. ‘I know I'm looking straight ahead – but I am listening to you.’

She's looking ahead, he thinks to himself. And he smiles and feels much calmer.

She's looking ahead – and that's precisely the direction my question points to.

Tamsin thinks, come on come on come on.

But it's not their return she's impatient for. It's been a thrill, watching them journey across and then walk back again. They had seemed to pick up the pace just a little. But now they've come to a complete stop. And, although Joe didn't tell her this was part of his plan, she already had an inkling as to why he wanted to cross this bridge with Tess. Tamsin is suddenly flattered and moved that he'd chosen her visit to make this journey because now she senses that he didn't want her here just so she could look after Em. Come on come on come on.

Tamsin keeps her eyes trained on Joe and Tess and she points them out to Em. Look at Mummy and Joe, she says. Look at them way up there.

They continue to stand stock-still.

Then she hears it.

A voice triumphant. Far stronger than those declaring
bungee!

Joe is yelling his head off, yelling his heart out on top of the Transporter Bridge.

‘Yes!’ he's yelling. ‘She just said yes!’