Secrets (40 page)

‘No, that can’t be right,’ she insisted, yet a small voice inside her was telling her that no man would admit such a thing unless it were true.

She got a vivid mental picture of herself in bed with Michael and a creeping, prickling sensation ran up her spine. ‘This is some desperate measure to try and split Michael and me up, isn’t it?’ she said indignantly. ‘How could you!’

‘No, Adele, it’s not,’ he said. ‘We may have got off on the wrong foot, but do you really think I would cook up a story like that? I’m a lawyer, for goodness’ sake!’

‘What difference does that make?’ she hissed at him. ‘Two years ago you slapped me round the face and threw me out in the rain. I dare say most people would say a lawyer wouldn’t do that either.’

‘I regret that now,’ he said, wiping his forehead with a handkerchief. ‘I was under a great deal of strain at the time, and of course I had no idea who you were then.’

Adele suddenly remembered that her grandmother had been to see him on Christmas Day and came back with a reference and ten pounds.

‘Is that when you found out who my mother was?’ she asked, her voice rising with anger. ‘You’ve known I was your bastard for two years, but you said nothing, even when you knew Michael was still seeing me? What sort of a man are you?’

‘Now look here, young lady,’ he said in his more customary sharp manner. ‘I only found out about this myself a few days ago, when Rose came to my chambers in London and told me.’

‘She came to you when she’s ignored me for years?’ Adele’s voice rose even higher and she jumped to her feet.

‘She felt she had to do something when she read about your engagement,’ he said quickly. ‘She was right of course. We couldn’t just ignore it.’

Adele’s head was reeling. It was too big a shock to take in. She swallowed hard, gritted her teeth and took a big breath. ‘How do we know she’s telling the truth?’

‘I, eh, knew she was pregnant when I left her,’ he admitted hesitantly. ‘Not very gallant of me I know, but there were good reasons.’

All at once, without any further details, Adele realized he was speaking the truth, however odious it was. She walked over to the window and stared out at the garden below. In its winter drabness it looked as cold and desolate as she felt. She remembered then how that night in London Michael had said he was sure her father came out of the top drawer. What was he going to say when he discovered they shared that same ‘top drawer’ father?

‘Have you told Michael yet?’ she asked, not turning to look at him because her eyes were brimming with tears.

‘I can’t,’ he said.

Adele turned to him, and saw his eyes were pleading with her. It was only then that she noticed with disgust that they were just like hers.

‘You can’t tell him!’ she exploded. ‘Whose bloody fault is it? Yours!’

‘I know,’ he agreed, making a plaintive gesture with his hands. ‘But if I tell Michael it will start something I won’t be able to stop. The whole family will be disgraced. Please don’t ask me to upset so many people, Adele.’

She looked at him coldly. She had tried to imagine her real father so many times, but Myles Bailey was the last man on earth she would want it to be. He was a bully, a crashing snob, and now she knew he was a philanderer who abandoned pregnant women.

‘I get it,’ she said, putting her hands on her hips and glaring at him. ‘You want me just to disappear out of Michael’s life, that’s it, isn’t it? The easy way out for you, no one need ever know apart from you, me and my bloody mother.’

‘If you tell Michael the truth it will damage him,’ Myles pleaded. ‘I know what he’s like, he’s sensitive like his mother and he’ll just withdraw into himself. He has a career he loves, he couldn’t fly if he knew the girl he wanted to marry and make love to was his sister.’

Adele knew that much was true. The thought of what they’d done made her feel sick now, and she was sure Michael would feel even worse.

‘Get out of here,’ she said, pointing to the door. ‘I can’t bear to be in the same room as you. You and Rose should have stayed together – my God, you’d make an ideal couple with your weakness and lies.’

‘What are you going to do?’ he asked in alarm.

‘I’m going upstairs to be sick,’ she shouted at him. ‘Because I’ve just found out I was born to the worst parents in the world and I can’t have the man I love. Are you satisfied?’

‘Don’t tell Michael, for pity’s sake,’ he pleaded.

‘Get out,’ she shouted again. ‘I’ll decide all by myself what I’m going to do. You aren’t going to bully me.’

He had to go then. The door was half glass and the caretaker was outside, looking to see what all the noise was about.

Myles scuttled away like a frightened rabbit, leaving Adele red in the face and fit to burst with rage.

It was fortunate that Angela, her room-mate, had got a couple of days off and gone home to her family, for Adele was in no mood to speak to anyone, or to be seen. Once inside the room she locked the door, and collapsed on to her bed sobbing.

Michael was her everything, and if he was taken from her there was absolutely nothing left. But it was worse than that – even the beautiful memories of him were dirty now.

She was sick in the washbasin over and over again until there was nothing left but bile to come up. She pulled off her uniform, leaving it crumpled on the floor, and crawled into bed in her underwear. Beyond her door she could hear all the usual laughter and chatter, nurses borrowing one another’s clothes to go out, others asking if the bathroom was free, and someone pleading for them to be quiet so she could study. They were her friends, girls she thought she could talk to about anything, but she couldn’t tell them this. She couldn’t tell anyone.

It was reminiscent of when she was a child going to school with bruising from the stick her mother had taken to her. She had to hide that away too because it was shameful. And then there was Mr Makepeace, she had to hide what he did too, and that her mother had been taken to an asylum. Why was it always she who had to hide other people’s wrongdoing?

Yet she knew she must hide this. Not to save Myles Bailey any embarrassment – he could burn in hell along with her mother for all she cared. But she would hide it from Michael. This was something he wouldn’t be able to deal with. It would destroy him.

But what should she do? She certainly couldn’t see Michael face to face and lie to him, he’d know immediately that something was wrong. She couldn’t even speak to him on the telephone as just the sound of his voice would make her break down. Yet if she simply hid away he’d keep coming down here and make a nuisance of himself. He would never let her go without a very good reason.

The following morning Adele made her way to Matron’s office. She had dark circles under her eyes from a sleepless night, she still felt sick and she knew she was unable to work on the ward today. But she’d dressed in her uniform to stop any of the other girls questioning her.

‘Come in,’ Matron’s voice boomed out at the tap on the door.

Adele slunk in and closed the door behind her. Matron was a formidable woman, around fifty, tall and thin with an aristocratic bearing and manner.

‘Yes, Nurse Talbot,’ she said.

‘I can’t work here any more,’ Adele burst out. ‘I have to leave.’

Matron looked at her sharply. ‘Are you pregnant?’ she asked.

‘No, it’s nothing like that,’ Adele said. ‘Please don’t ask me questions as I can’t answer them. I just have to go.’

‘Has this got anything to do with the man who called to see you yesterday?’

Adele’s heart sank. Matron always knew everything that happened in both the hospital and the nurses’ home, but she’d hoped that visit wouldn’t have been noted.

‘Yes, but I can’t say anything more,’ she said. ‘It’s personal.’

‘Talbot, you have the makings of an excellent nurse, and I know you love it. I would hate to see you throw that away after nearly two years’ training.’

‘I don’t want to stop nursing,’ Adele said. ‘I just can’t do it here any more. Would it be possible for me to be transferred to another hospital?’

Matron frowned and peered at Adele over her glasses. ‘That might be possible, but I couldn’t arrange it without knowing the reason behind it. I can see you are very troubled, and I don’t believe you are the kind of girl to get into anything criminal. So confide in me, Talbot, it will not go beyond this room.’

Adele knew Matron to be an honourable woman. She might be stern and very hard on nurses who she felt let the nursing profession down, but she was fair-minded and often surprisingly kind. Without her help, Adele knew she wouldn’t stand a chance of finishing her training in another hospital. Perhaps she had to tell her the truth.

‘The man who came yesterday told me he was my father,’ she said. ‘He’s also the father of Michael, the airman I am engaged to.’

Even as she said it, Adele still couldn’t really believe something like this could happen to her. Even Matron looked thunderstruck.

Adele explained the bare bones of how this had come about, and said that of course she had to stop seeing Michael. She began to cry at that point and Matron came round her desk and patted her shoulder.

‘I see,’ she said. ‘That is an impossible situation to be in. I take it you are afraid that as Michael knows nothing of it he will keep coming here to see you?’

Adele nodded. ‘I can’t see him, I’d end up telling him and so it’s best for everyone that I just disappear.’

Matron sat down at her desk again. She didn’t speak for a while and appeared deep in thought.

‘It would be very cruel to drop the young man without any explanation,’ she said after a few minutes. ‘And I don’t agree with his father’s opinion that it would be worse for him if he knew the truth. And what about your grandmother? Were you intending to light off without telling her where you are too?’

‘I would have to for a while,’ Adele said, wringing her hands together. ‘She’s the first person Michael would go to once he found I’d gone from here.’

‘Adele, none of this is your fault,’ Matron said, the use of the Christian name indicating she was entirely sympathetic. ‘I am appalled that Michael’s father should make you and those you love suffer so grievously while he gets off scot-free.’

‘But it would hurt so many more people if the truth came out,’ Adele insisted. ‘Michael’s mother, his brother and sister. And what would people say about me and my mother? It really is better if no one knows. I’ve thought about it all night and I know I’m right.’

‘But your grandmother will be so worried about you. Don’t put her through that agony,’ Matron said.

‘I can write a letter to her,’ Adele said desperately. ‘Say I’ve had second thoughts about Michael and I’ve gone away until he gets over it. I can keep sending her notes so she knows I’m all right.’

‘Will Michael get a letter too?’

‘Yes, of course. I’ll say that I’ve realized he wasn’t right for me.’

Matron sighed deeply and shook her head despairingly. ‘It seems all wrong to me,’ she said. ‘But I can see that it wouldn’t be practical to continue in this hospital under the circumstances. I do have a very good friend who is Matron at the London Hospital in Whitechapel, she is desperate for good nurses too. I could telephone her and see if she’ll have you.’

‘Oh thank you, Matron,’ Adele said gratefully, tears rolling down her cheeks. ‘But you won’t tell her all this, will you?’

‘Of course not, we are good enough friends for her to trust my judgement without explanations. Go back to your room now, I’ll come and see you later once I’ve spoken to her.’

‘I need to go today,’ Adele said, sniffing back her tears.

Matron nodded. ‘Leave it with me. I’ll get someone to bring up some breakfast to your room. You must eat, even if you don’t feel like it.’

At three that same afternoon Adele left the nurses’ home with her suitcase and headed for Hastings station. Matron had fixed it with the London Hospital, and she had also promised that if Michael telephoned or called she would speak to him personally and say that Adele had left for personal reasons. The other nurses would be told the same story.

Adele had written to both Michael and her grandmother and she dropped the two letters in the first post box she came to. They were so difficult to write – she knew she couldn’t allow them to think she was distraught, but neither could she sound uncaring about their feelings. To Michael she could only say that she had made a mistake, that she realized he wasn’t right for her, or she for him. That she was going to another town to live and work, and that he must forget her.

She said much the same about Michael to her grandmother, but explained how she couldn’t reveal where she was going until he had stopped trying to find her. She implored her not to worry, and that she would send other notes so she would know she was safe. She told her she loved her, and that all her best memories were of living with her on the marsh. Finally she said Honour mustn’t think that this was history repeating itself, she was not like Rose and she’d be in touch soon.

As the train chugged out of the station Adele’s eyes brimmed with tears again as she remembered the last time she had travelled to London. She had been so happy and excited that day, hardly able to sit still with it. But there would be no Michael to meet her at Charing Cross this time, no warm hug to greet her, no words of love. Her engagement ring was still on the chain around her neck, for it was against the hospital rules to wear a ring on duty. She knew she ought to have sent it back to him, but she needed the small comfort of it lying there warm between her breasts.

She was glad she was going somewhere horrible and overcrowded like Whitechapel. She believed that without the salt-tinged wind coming off the sea, no wide open spaces, grass, flowers and trees, she could forget.

Later she saw a plane in the sky. The pilot was practising acrobatics. He looped the loop, then swept down low and rose up again steeply. She saw the black and white under the wings and knew it was a Spitfire. It could well be Michael or someone else from his squadron, and she offered up a little prayer that he would forget her quickly, and that he’d stay safe when war came.