Secrets (12 page)

Once the others had left, he came over to her. He smoothed her hair gently. ‘You fell asleep before I could explain why I came,’ he said. ‘You see, I can’t continue with our private lessons.’

‘Why?’ she asked.

He shrugged. ‘I have to spend more time with the other children.’

A cold shudder went down Adele’s spine. She wanted to ask if that meant she wasn’t special to him any longer but she didn’t dare.

‘Don’t look that way,’ he said. ‘I can’t help it. The others need my help more than you do.’

Her eyes filled with tears, and he reached out and wiped one tear away with his thumb. ‘It doesn’t mean I’ve stopped caring for you. We just have to find other ways to be together sometimes.’

Her heart leaped, and she ran her sleeve over her damp eyes and smiled.

‘That’s better.’ He laughed softly. ‘It will be our little secret. But you mustn’t tell anyone! Promise me?’

Adele nodded, happy again.

‘Good girl,’ he said. ‘Now off you go and I’ll see you later.’

In the days that followed Adele felt increasingly confused and worried because nothing at The Firs was the same any more. Prior to Mr Makepeace going away there had been no timetable, or strict routine, Mrs Makepeace had always told the children at breakfast the jobs she wanted them to do that day. It was a fluid arrangement, varying according to the weather, her mood, and whether anyone was receiving punishment. She normally stayed at the breakfast table reading the paper with Mary sitting beside her in the high chair, and the oldest children went off to do allocated jobs – laundry, cleaning the bathroom or sweeping and polishing the bedroom floors.

Now there was a timetable pinned to the kitchen wall, and every child over five was to have school lessons each day. Mrs Makepeace said nastily that they were all lazy good-for-nothings, and it was high time they realized they weren’t on holiday. She said that any misbehaviour in the classroom or failure to do their jobs properly would mean there would be no outside play later in the day.

The middle group had to go straight into the schoolroom immediately after breakfast, during which time the oldest group, which included Adele, had to do all the cleaning and laundry. Mrs Makepeace no longer sat at the table with her paper, she rushed around like an angry hornet, lashing out at anyone she felt wasn’t pulling their weight.

If baby Mary, or Susan or John, the three-year-olds, got in her way, made a mess or any noise, she became irate, often terrifying them by shouting at them.

Dinner had to be served on the dot of twelve and eaten in silence. In the afternoon the oldest group had their lessons, and Mr Makepeace was just as tetchy as his wife. Adele could hardly believe how hard he was on Jack and Freda, calling them stupid and often clouting them round the ear just for getting a sum wrong. He belittled Beryl and Ruby when they read aloud and stumbled over hard words.

Adele found the afternoons endless, for the lessons were aimed at the least able of the group, all stuff she’d done several years before. Sometimes Mr Makepeace would give her a book to read, or some mathematical problems, but mostly he didn’t even acknowledge her presence in the room.

She would stare out of the window, watching the breeze fluttering leaves on the trees, and wonder what had gone wrong. It seemed to her that it had to be her fault, though she couldn’t see why.

After tea the others were allowed out in the garden until bedtime, but Mrs Makepeace made Adele do mending. The pile of socks needing darning, and the heaps of shirts or blouses with missing buttons never seemed to grow any smaller. Adele got the idea Mrs Makepeace was digging out old clothes from the cupboards just to keep her busy.

It was all very reminiscent of how it had been at home, with Adele alone singled out for punishment. Mrs Makepeace never spoke to her directly, just dumped things in front of her or barked an order at her. So Adele did exactly what she’d always done at home, just did as she was told, never answered back, and kept her tears in check until she was alone in her room.

She was still crying late one night when Mr Makepeace crept into her room again. She didn’t know he was there until he sat down beside her.

‘What’s the matter, my darling?’ he asked.

‘It’s all so horrible,’ she wept. ‘I can’t bear it.’

He got into bed with her again that night and rocked her in his arms.

‘It’s all my fault,’ he said. ‘My wife is jealous because she has guessed how much I care for you. I have to pretend I don’t feel anything more for you than I do for the others. I’m so sorry.’

She fell asleep later, and like before, when she woke in the morning he was gone. But that day she felt better, for he’d said that one day soon he’d take her away from The Firs, and bring her up as his own daughter.

On the Saturday of that same week, a big black car came in the morning to take the middle group of children for a day out at the seaside. It was a beautiful morning, with a faint mist still lingering, promising to be very hot later, and as Adele watched the children climbing excitedly into the back of the car she would have given anything to be going with them.

‘Lucky little bleeders,’ Ruby said at her elbow. ‘Who is that woman taking them anyway?’

‘Someone from the church,’ Adele said, looking at the plump woman in a pink dress leaning into the back of the car and organizing the children. ‘I hope none of them gets sick, or she won’t take anyone again.’

‘No one wants big girls like us anyway,’ Ruby said gloomily. ‘We’ll be stuck here till we’re fourteen, then they’ll make us go and work in a factory.’

Having thought about little else but Mr Makepeace all day, and found it far too hot to sleep, Adele was thrilled when she heard him creeping up the stairs to see her that night. But almost as soon as he lay down beside her she felt something different in his manner. He smelled of drink rather than his customary hair oil, and he put his hand over her mouth to shush her when she said something about the younger children’s trip to the seaside.

He didn’t seem to want to speak to her either, and kept kissing her on the mouth with wet, sloppy lips. Then all at once he was pulling up her nightdress and trying to touch her private places.

‘Don’t,’ she said, pushing his hands away. ‘It’s not nice.’

‘But it is, my sweet,’ he said, his hands going back to the same place. ‘This is what people who love one another do.’

She kept pushing him away, but when he kept on coming back she became really frightened. Beryl’s words, things she’d heard Ruby say, all took on new meaning, and she started to cry.

‘Don’t be silly,’ he said, and took hold of her hand, drawing it down the bed towards him.

She stiffened as he placed it on something warm and hard, about as thick as her wrist, but it was a few seconds before she realized what it was. She had only ever seen little boys’ willies, soft, wiggly things no bigger than her thumb.

‘No,’ she cried out in disgust and tried to get away from him.

But she couldn’t escape, she was trapped between him and the wall, and he was forcing her fingers round that big, horrible thing.

‘Hold it nicely,’ he said, his voice all gruff and insistent. ‘See how hard and big it is. It likes to be held.’

He clamped his hand over hers, forcing her to hold it and rub it up and down.

‘Shush,’ he said, putting his free hand over her mouth when she tried to yell out. ‘Mrs Makepeace will be very angry if you wake her, and this is our special secret.’

Adele tried to fight him off, but he had her half pinned down by his body. His breathing was getting harder and noisier as he made her rub him harder, and worse still he was trying to get on top of her and push her legs apart. Instinct told her what he was trying to do, and she struggled still harder to get free.

‘I won’t hurt you, darling,’ he said hoarsely. ‘I only want to love you. Let me do it, please.’

Adele was now beside herself with terror. The drink on his breath was making her feel sick, he was wet with sweat, and each time he thrust himself at her, he jarred her spine on the hard mattress. She wanted to scream out, yet she knew if Mrs Makepeace came she’d get the blame, and all she could do was wriggle and wriggle so he couldn’t get that big thing in where he wanted to.

Just as she was getting too exhausted to fight him any more, he made a kind of deep throaty groan and all at once she felt something horribly warm and sticky on her hand and belly.

‘Get off me,’ she managed to stammer out as he removed his hand from her mouth, ‘I’m going to be sick.’

He moved quickly as she retched, jumping out of the bed as if he was on fire. ‘Quick to the bathroom,’ he said. ‘If anyone comes I’ll say I heard you call out.’

Adele fled down the stairs and into the bathroom, just reaching the lavatory in time as she retched again, this time bringing up everything she’d eaten that day.

She didn’t know how long she stayed on her knees clinging to the lavatory bowl, but it seemed like hours. She heard his voice whisper something at the door, but she told him to go away. She could smell him on her, the sticky substance drying like glue on her hands and belly, and that made her retch again and again.

Later she sat on the floor, leaning back against the cool tiles, too desolate even to cry. Her eyes had grown used to the darkness now, and it mirrored how she felt inside.

There was no sound from along the landing and she guessed he’d gone back to his own bed. She imagined him getting in beside his wife, and hated him so much she felt she could kill him with her own bare hands.

Later she washed herself all over and went back to her room. Yet the moment she was in there, she knew she couldn’t get into her bed. The smell of him was in the room, she doubted it would ever go. He was just downstairs, and she knew he would do it again the moment he got the opportunity. She had to flee this house now while she still had a chance.

She pulled on her clothes, and stood for a moment looking out of the window, frightened to leave in the dark, yet even more frightened to stay. She had no money, nowhere to go, she wasn’t even sure she could find her way to Tunbridge Wells. But being alone out in the countryside had to be safer than here.

Chapter Six

Adele shivered and buttoned up her cardigan as she hurried away up the drive towards the gate. It was twenty past two by the kitchen clock while she was helping herself to the remains of a loaf, a chunk of cheese and two apples which she put in a paper bag. The back door had squeaked as she opened it to leave, and she’d been frightened it might have woken someone, but as she glanced back at The Firs it was still in darkness except for the dim glow of the night light on the landing.

It wasn’t cold, in fact the night air felt as balmy as a summer’s day, but she guessed it was shock and fear that were making her shiver, and as she hurried up the dark lane she began crying again.

How could a man who said he loved her do such a thing? She didn’t think she’d ever feel clean again, or trust anyone either. But even worse was that she felt it was her fault. Surely she should have heard warning bells that first time he tried to kiss her?

Another wave of nausea overcame her, and she had to stop for a moment and take deep breaths. In the light of what had just happened she could see now that all that flattery, cuddles and kisses were leading up to this. If she hadn’t been so desperate for someone to care about her, she might have questioned why a man like him would single a plain girl like her out for attention and private lessons.

Scary as it was walking along narrow lanes overhung with trees, she found she could see well enough once her eyes had adjusted to the dark. Big tree trunks appeared to have ghoulish faces and she kept hearing strange rustling sounds in the hedgerows. On hearing a low bellowing sound she ran like the wind, only to realize later it was just a cow. Yet her disgust and anger with Mr Makepeace, and her fright at being all alone in dark country lanes, did serve to focus her mind. Going to London wasn’t an option; if she ran to Mrs Patterson she would only end up in another children’s home, perhaps even worse than The Firs. The only place she could go was to Rye to find her grandparents.

Their address, Curlew Cottage, Winchelsea Beach, near Rye had remained locked in her head ever since she read that old letter to her mother. Shortly after arriving at The Firs she had looked at a map in the schoolroom to see where it was, and she’d discovered that if she drew a line between London and Rye, Tunbridge Wells was right in the middle. She even remembered the names of two towns on the way there, Lamberhurst and Hawkhurst. If she could just find her way to the first of these towns, she’d be on the right road.

She knew of course there was no certainty her grandparents still lived there, or were even still alive. If they were there they might not want to help her, of course. But it was worth a try. If that failed she would have to take her chances with the police.

Soon after the first rays of morning light came into the sky Adele came to a signpost that told her she had only six more miles to go to Lamberhurst, and she almost began crying again with relief.

Much earlier she’d come to a crossroads and the signpost had confused her completely, because it said Lamberhurst lay to her right, and Tunbridge Wells to her left. She had believed she had to go through Tunbridge Wells first, and she had stood at that sign for some time wondering which way was the right one. In the end she plumped for the right fork, and hoped for the best. It was such a lonely winding road with barely any houses that she’d become convinced she was going round in circles.

So far not one car had passed her, but she supposed that was because it was Sunday. She had planned to hide if she heard a car coming because she was afraid any adult seeing her walking in the dark would stop and ask where she was going. She couldn’t trust any adult now. They might be as bad as Mr Makepeace, and even if they weren’t, they might insist on taking her back to The Firs.

The daylight and the conviction she really was on the right road cheered Adele considerably although she was getting very tired. As she continued to walk she made up her mind she would keep on going until noon, then find a nice spot in a field to have a little rest. She felt sure she could reach Rye by the evening.