Secrets (6 page)

“That’s sweet
.  What
is
your mom’s name?” I inquired, realizing that it’d never come up before.  I always just referred to her as Mrs. Hahn.

“
Emi,” he replied.

I
didn’t have cause to object because Mrs. Hahn had been nothing but kind to me.  “I like it.” 

A
lull in conversation, and just this subject matter in general, caused my mind to drift back to the child that we’d lost back in late May.  Immediately, I wished the topic of children had never come up.  My chest constricted and a tear streaked down my cheek as I turned to face the wall, hoping that AJ wouldn’t notice.  The room was silent as we both became consumed by thoughts of a very different life with an alternate ending that we never got to even ponder before it was violently snatched away from us.  The bed shifted when AJ turned to hover over my side.  In my peripheral, I could see him watching me, the expression that he wore reflecting his concern. 

“What’s the matter?”  He asked quietly, probably
already knowing where my thoughts were focused.

“M
y imagination just got the best of me.  That’s all.”

He sat up a little and saw a tear in the corner of my eye.  Before I could get to it, he wiped it away.
 

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.  “I didn’t mean to get all emotional.” 
In my head, I paused and counted; I would’ve been about five months by now.  Granted, having a baby at our age was nowhere near ideal, but that was a life that AJ and I created, and, as far as I was concerned, Leila had stolen that from us.  How would I have reacted to finding out that I was carrying his child under different circumstances than I did?  Would I have been scared?  Would I have regretted not being more careful?  Maybe even contemplated taking some rather drastic measures in an attempt to ‘fix’ the situation?  All of those thoughts probably would’ve crossed my mind at some point, even if only fleetingly ; however, those feelings would’ve faded and AJ and I would’ve found some way to get through it and to be happy. 

His gaze fell
on me when I turned to stare at him over my shoulder.  “Sam……if I could turn back time and change things, I would in a heartbeat.  But…….what’s done is done and there’s no going back.”  His hand was warm against my face when he removed another tear.  “I’m just grateful that I still have
you
.” 

“You’re right.
”  I needed to get away from these particular thoughts.  I fanned at my eyes to dry them and took a deep breath.  “Moving on,” I said quickly, trying to psyche myself into thinking about something else.  “What was the other question you asked?  It was about where I wanted to live, right?”

“Yeah,” AJ
replied with a sigh, clearly displeased that I was changing the subject instead of dealing with my feelings.

I ignored his probing stare and answered the question instead. 
“It’s funny that you brought that up, because I was thinking today while we were driving to the museum; what if we move here after we’re done with college?  You’ll eventually have control of the business which means you could move it wherever you wanted, and I can open my interior design firm here.  This is actually an ideal place for us to live if you think about it.”  AJ’s expression was solemn, which meant that he wasn’t as convinced as I was.  “What do you think?” I asked.

Maybe we can
keep it in mind as an option.”  He thought for a moment.  “What about Houston or L.A, maybe?”

“Too hot
in Houston, and I’m not moving
anywhere
where the ground moves.  Plus, we have to be somewhere where there’s snow on Christmas.”

“What about….Chicago?”

“I could see that, but it’s no New York,” I replied as I pouted involuntarily at the thought of him dismissing my suggestion so quickly.

“I didn’t say no, I just pointed out other options
.  Who knows where we’ll end up?  We have a lot of time to think about it, though.”

I rolled my eyes and sighed.  “But you’ll think about it, right?”

“Yes, Sam, I’ll think about it,” he replied condescendingly with a smile.

“Good,
that’s all I’m asking,” I smiled back.

He pulled me into his arms
again and held me there for what felt like hours.  We got up at around seven and ordered room service again for dinner.  We ate while watching movies and went to bed at around midnight.  As I slept against his chest, I dreamed of everything we’d talked about; us living in New York, both of us successful in our careers, and a beautiful son and daughter that looked like a perfect cross between the two of us.  The dream was so wonderful that I awoke feeling disappointed that it wasn’t real. 

AJ
kissed me once on my back and continued to hold me as I stared off into space, trying hopelessly to will the dream true.  The clock on the nightstand read 8:15 and I knew that it was almost time for us to go our separate ways. 

I lifted the cover to climb out of the bed, but
AJ wouldn’t loosen his grip.  “I’m not ready to let you go yet,” he whispered softly.  Of course I complied with his request and stayed cuddled up beside him.  There was nothing better than waking up next to the one person for whom my love defied all reason and rational explanation.  “What if we just ran away together and didn’t tell anyone where we were?”  He asked quietly.

That sounded so good to me, considering that I was about to have to face life without him at Charleston.
  “Don’t tempt me,” I replied.  He laughed under his breath and slowly released me from his grasp.  We both got up from the bed and he let me have the shower before him.  We finished packing up our things and lingered in the room until the last possible minute, dreading what was to come.

Both of us were silent for the entire cab ride to the airport as we sat with our hand
s interlocked and staring out our own windows.  When we came to a stop at the entrance airport, my heart sank.  By the time AJ checked in for his flight, it would be nearly time for him to leave.  At 10:45 they made the final call for him to board and we stood there holding on to one another. 

“You shou
ld go or you’ll miss your plane,” I said as I fought back tears.  I thought of the first time we’d held one another in my room that day nearly a year ago.  Who would have ever thought that we’d make it this far?  So many things had changed since then.  We’d survived trials in our relationship that would have torn any other couple apart.  We’d proven to ourselves that no amount of misfortune could break us, but now time and distance would test our strength too.  AJ breathed in deep breath58 and kissed me once before finally letting me go so that he could catch his flight. 

When
he was out of sight, I didn’t have to pretend to be strong anymore.  It felt like he’d taken a part of me with him when he departed and I could expect to feel that way until he was on campus with me.  Tears streamed down my face as reality set in; I was about to face this whole college thing by myself and I was absolutely terrified.

C
hapte
r
4

Sam

It was nearly 8:00pm and there was no way I was about to bother unpacking my things.  Instead, I shoved my bag into the closet and sprawled out on the bed.  Thankfully none of the other girls were in at the moment, giving me a chance to relax and get my mind right.    Deanna’s bed was made up so neatly that I questioned whether she’d even been sleeping here.  All of her things were in order and seemingly untouched. 

Going to sleep early didn’t seem like such a bad idea.  My morning was going to be spent familiarizing myself with the campus so t
hat I didn’t have to wander around on Wednesday when my classes started.  My books were supposed to be waiting for me in the school bookstore, so that was another thing on my “to-do” list.

It was strange being alone in my new room.  The day I moved
in, there was so much commotion in the halls that I assumed it was always that lively.  Now everything was so much quieter.  Loneliness set in pretty quickly and I found myself feeling a little homesick.  I hugged my pillow and stared at the alarm clock, imagining that, at that very moment, AJ was thinking of me too.  Calling him seemed like it would have been too much seeing as how we’d just left one another, so I fought the urge and continued to lie there in silence.

Keys jingled in
the door and then the lock clicked.  Deanna perked right up when she saw me, throwing her purse on her bed before sitting beside me on mine.  “Was it as awesome as I know it was?  Tell me everything.  I need for pictures to be in my hand by like tomorrow.  Where’d you guys stay?  I need details,” she rambled.  Just thinking about answering her line of questioning made me more tired.  Her enthusiasm when she saw me and her untouched belongings led me to believe that things hadn’t exactly been pleasant between her and our suitemates in my absence.

“Everything was perfect, but would you mind if I gave you the details tomorrow?  I’m kind
of sleepy,” I said while yawning.

“Are you really making me
wait?”  She sighed.  “Fine, but you still have to listen to me complain.”

“What happened?”

Deanna rolled her eyes and exhaled sharply.  “They are totally impossible to live with.  They don’t clean up behind themselves whatsoever and they use anything that you leave in the bathroom.  Like literally…
anything
.  So, I go to take a shower yesterday morning, right?  I take my razor out of the medicine cabinet only to find that one of those slobs had already used it.  And
then
had the audacity to put it back in the cabinet like I wasn’t gonna notice!  There’s no telling what body part they even shaved with it!” Deanna shook her head as she sighed in frustration.  “I was so grossed out that I threw my sponge away too, just in case.”

“
That’s ridiculous.”

“Tell me about it,” she replied.  “I left and just spent the night with Karl. 
I only came back today because I knew you’d be here.”

Deanna stood and grabb
ed a nightgown from her dresser, changed, and flipped off the light.  I heard her bed creak as she climbed into it and lay down.  A few minutes passed and my eyelids started getting heavier.

“You know what
?” Deanna asked

“What?”
My voice already sounded dry and raspy as if I’d been asleep for hours.

“I think
we have to be the lamest college students in history.  It’s not even nine and we’re already in bed.”  We burst out laughing and she got back up and turned on the light.  “I know you’re tired, but we should go for a walk or something?  I haven’t seen you in days.”

I
was
pretty tired, but I didn’t feel like telling her no.  “Sure,” I replied, wearily sitting upright.

Deanna
put her clothes back on and I grabbed my cell phone just in case AJ decided to call.  We locked the door and paced down the hallway, stepping over an empty pizza box someone left on the ground.  There were a few people lingering, but nothing like my first day.  As soon as we passed Terrell’s door, it flung open and he appeared to be startled when he saw Deanna and me.  He smiled and shut the door behind him, “Hey!  Haven’t seen
you
in a minute,” he said, addressing me specifically. 

I still wasn’t sure what his angle was, so I was notic
eably guarded when I responded, “Hey.”  He already had his shoes on, so he started walking with Deanna and me as we continued down the hall.  She glanced at me quickly out the corner of her eye, but didn’t say anything.  Apparently after helping me move my things in the other day, Terrell thought we were cool or something. 

“Where
’re ya’ll going?” He asked enthusiastically as if he’d been invited to join us. 

When I didn’t respond, Deanna did. 
“Just for a walk.  Where were you headed?”

“
The store; my Doritos supply is getting terrifyingly low.  Can’t have that.”

Deanna laughed, but I wasn’t amused.  “Well,
it was good seeing you again,” I blurted politely, hoping that he’d get the hint and go his own way.

“You too,” he replied, totally missing
my hint.   I rolled my eyes and sighed as I pushed the door to our building open and breathed in the refreshing night air.  Terrell spotted one of his friends and stopped to talk, so I tried to quicken my pace in an effort to leave him behind. Unfortunately, he noticed the growing distance between us and cut his conversation short, jogging to catch up with Deanna and me. 
What was it going to take to make him go away? 

             
With Terrell at our heels, we followed the sidewalk and soon made it a good distance away from the dorm. The road was only lit by the orange glowing streetlamps above.  The atmosphere was heavy like a storm might roll in.  Wind rushed through the trees, causing them to rustle in the background as the temperature dropped steadily. The strangest feeling came over me and I literally shivered as a chill ran down my spine.  Apparently I was the only one sensing anything.  Maybe it was just the change in the weather that made me uneasy.

             
The store came into view as soon as we rounded the corner – a huge 24-hour super-center.  We crossed the brightly lit parking lot and grabbed a stray cart before going inside.

             
“First stop, junk food aisle,” Terrell asserted.  Deanna and I followed behind him and I thought about running into his heels with the cart
‘on accident’
just because he was getting on my nerve. 

Deanna mouthed the words, “Be nice,” as she smirked at my tense expression.  I forced a cheesy smile and turned forward.  Terrell was taking forever picking what flavor Doritos he wanted, like it was a major life decision or something.  I shifted my weight to one foot and sighed.

“Just a sec,” he said in response to my frustration.

‘Why am I even here?’
I thought to myself.  Terrell could’ve done this on his own.  It was bad enough that I had to get out of my warm bed; coming to the store and waiting for him to make up his mind about some stupid chips was just irritating me further.  I folded my arms over my chest when I sighed, glancing behind me momentarily when a shadow caught my attention.  In that instant, my heart skipped a beat and my legs felt numb from shock.  My eyes focused and I quick-stepped behind Terrell and used him as a shield, peeking around him like a kid.  Lucky for me, he was impressively broad in a football player type of way.  All of a sudden, I was grateful for his presence. 

I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.  Months had passed since I’d seen or heard from Antonio, making it difficult to grasp the idea of him standing across the aisle from us
.  While I spied, he grabbed a two-liter of pop and deliberated over which one to grab second.  It was unfathomable that, after everything, he’d really moved here anyway.

“Please, don’t move,” I pleaded
in a whisper, holding onto the sleeve of Terrell’s t-shirt.  He tensed up, but did as I requested.  “Deanna, turn around this way, so he won’t recognize you,” I said quietly.  She looked confused, but turned anyway.  I cowered behind Terrell until Antonio grabbed another bottle of Pepsi and then moved on. 

“Who
was
that
?”  Terrell asked.

“He’s nobody.  Can we go now?” 
I urged.  Terrell frowned up his face and continued to stare at me for a second before finally complying, walking toward the front of the store to a checkout line.  I watched over my shoulder nervously while he paid and I nearly dragged Deanna out the door as soon as the clerk dropped the change into Terrell’s hand. 

Terrell stopped abruptly after we were back on the sidew
alk and heading back toward school.  “Now will you tell me who he was?”  He inquired.

“Why does it matter?”
  I wanted to add, ‘
stay out my business’
to that, but I didn’t.

“Because it looks like you’re scared of him or something!
”  Terrell reasoned.

“I’m not scared of hi
m; he’s my ex. I just didn’t want him to see me,” I explained.

Terrell seemed mildly satisfied with my answer and w
e started walking again.  “So…..he go to Charleston?”  Terrell pried. 

I rolled my eyes, but answered anyway.  “No.  Blanchard.”

Terrell made a face.  “That’s more than an hour away.”

“
Did he tell you he was moving here?”  Deanna asked, interrupting whatever Terrell was gonna say next.

“He first mentioned it while we were together, and
then again a couple times after we broke up, but I thought AJ finally got through to him,” I replied.  Obviously I was wrong in assuming that. 

“Wait…..
hold up,” Terrell said, slowing his pace.  Deanna and I both came to a halt when he did.  “This dude moved here
after
ya’ll broke up?  To be close to you?”

Deanna smirked at how ridiculous it was.  “I guess on some level it’s
kinda sweet, right?  I mean, he doesn’t stand a chance, but you have to admire the guys’ effort, though.”

I rolled my eyes at her playfully and we started walking again. 
When we got back to the dorm, I noticed that Terrell was much quieter than when we’d left.  He barely even said “bye” when he went into his room.  I ignored the change in his behavior and continued on to me and Deanna’s door.  It was 10:45 now and we agreed that that was a suitable time to retire for the evening. 

She was snoring only seconds after I turned off the light.  I lay there starin
g up at the ceiling and gave in, finally picking up my phone to text AJ.  Before I could even type in the first letter of my message, my phone sounded off. 

“
Miss u already,
”
was all AJ’s text said.

“Missed u b4 I even left u,
”
I replied as I turned over and shut my eyes.  Sleep was the only thing that would keep me from getting emotional, so I laythere, anxiously awaiting it
.
 

*****

              The first day of class, my stomach was in knots as I thought of being surrounded by total strangers.  It was time for me to leave if I was going to get there on time, so I pulled on my shoes and grabbed my things.  Deanna was smart.  She didn’t schedule her first class until 10:00 am, whereas I had to be seated in my English Lit. class by eight. 

             
Surprisingly, there were quite a few students already walking across campus headed toward their classes.  I spotted Terrell and made a b-line in the opposite direction.  I had plenty of time to take the long way to class and I could use the exercise anyway.

             
“Wait up,” he called from behind me just as I was turning around. 
Here we go again. 

             
“Hey,” I replied flatly.

             
“What class you got?” 

             
“English Lit. in the Hanson Building.  You?” 

             
“Chemistry.”  He turned to look at me.  “What’s your major anyway?”

             
“Interior design,” I sighed.

             
“Hmm……that’s cool.  I’m pre-med. I’m hoping to be transferring to Johns Hopkins in a year or so.”

             
Impressive.  “
I’ll be honest.  I didn’t picture you as a doctor.”

             
“What’d you picture me as?”  He asked mockingly.

             
“I don’t know; I guess maybe you could’ve been here on a football scholarship, waiting to go pro or something.”  He laughed at my explanation.

             
“So, you assumed that I was just some dumb jock,” he stated.  “Well, you were half right.  I do have a football scholarship, but I’m far from dumb.”

             
I had to admit that he’d surprised me.  “What kind of doctor do you wanna be?”  I was a little shocked that I cared enough to ask.