Secrets (24 page)

*****

Sam

             
My eyes had been trained on the ceiling for the past twenty minutes.  I still hadn’t wound down from spending the evening out with Nina and Andrea.  They insisted on dragging me along for their evening of club hopping, which concluded with a late night run to some taco place that’s open 24-hours.  I glanced over at the clock – 5 a.m.  I was tired enough that I should’ve dozed by this point, but just couldn’t seem to relax.  I turned over on my side and gazed out the window only to have my eyes settle on AJ’s building.  A heavy sigh left my lungs and Deanna shifted in her bed.

Being this close to him with everything that’d happened had me seriously thinking about letting this be my last year at Charleston.  If he didn’t transfer this summer, I would.  Avoiding him was becoming next to impossible, ma
king it difficult to heal. 
God…why can’t I just be over him already
.  Two months had passed and the wounds still felt just as fresh as they did day one.  The few times I’d seen him without him seeing me, I spiraled back into depression, missing him and wishing that I could turn back the hands of time – going back to a happier time…or back to a time before I knew that he even existed.

Two very persistent guys attempted to ask me out, but I wasn’t even interested.  Unfortunately, I still have it in the back of my mind that I have to be faithful to AJ.  It felt absurd admitting that to
myself, but it was the truth.  Whether I liked it or not, AJ still had my heart in a vice.  My mission, however, was to make myself as scarce as possible so he’d get the impression that I was over him.  The sooner he accepted that, the sooner the phone calls, text messages, emails, and notes underneath my door would stop.  As painful as it was for me to reject his advances time and time again, it had to be that way.  I couldn’t trust him as far as I could throw him thanks to the truckload of lies he’d heaped on top of our relationship. 

In an effort to stay off campus, I found myself hanging with Antonio on occasion.  Maybe we clicked because both of our hearts had been broken inadvertently by the same person, or maybe it was simply that we actually had the capacity to be good friends despite our past.  I liked to think it was the latter.  At least once a week, we went to dinner or a movie or just hung out at his apartment.  In a way, he was my safe haven while I waited for the storm between AJ and
I to blow over.  I didn’t have anywhere else to go.  AJ and Terrell had gotten close and I could only expect Deanna to be my shoulder to lean on to a point; she had her own life to live.  It just seemed to work out for everyone that Antonio and I managed to find some sort of neutral ground where we could exist as friends without the awkwardness that seemed to consume us before.  Having him around was actually…
nice
.

When I finally drifted and awoke at around noon the next day, I’d missed a call from Antonio.  Still groggy, I dialed his number.

“Hey,” he said sounding like he’d been up and out for hours already.

“Hay,” I groaned.

After a short laugh, he asked, “Long night?”

I flipped over on my back and stared at the ceiling.  “You could say that.  What you up to?”

“Nothing really.  I wanna check out that new, Nicolas Cage movie, though.  That’s why I’m calling.  You got plans tonight?”

I thought over my schedule…my
empty
schedule.  “Nope.  I’m free.  What time?”

“There’s one starting at eight.”

I yawned before replying.  “Sounds good.  I’ll meet you at the theater.”

The long pause on the other end of the phone made me open my closed eyes again.

“We should get dinner first.  I could pick you up,” he offered.

Despite how I felt about AJ at the moment, I wasn’t comfortable with the possibility of him, or anyone else, seeing Antonio show up at my door.  For that reason, I declined his offer.
  “Antonio…listen…I just think that’d be a bit much.  I’m cool with dinner of course, but I think I should drive myself.  Coming here to pick me up just…it isn’t a good idea.”

I imagined Terrell trying to assert himself as my big brother if he caught me leaving with Antonio.  It wouldn’t be a good situation for anyone.

There was the slightest hint of disappointment in his tone when he answered.  “Oh, no…yeah…I understand.  You can just meet me here, then.  That’s cool.”

“So if we do dinner first, is six good?”  I tried to sound as enthusiastic as I could, thinking I’d hurt his feelings.

“Yeah, that’s perfect.”

“Good…see you then.”

After hanging up, I stared at my phone for a few minutes.  It’d been two months since Antonio and I reconnected as friends.  Up until this point, he hadn’t made me feel like he had any expectations, but wanting to come pick me up felt a little too…’date-like’.  I made a mental note to help him keep things in perspective.  If he couldn’t handle this, then I’d back off.  The last thing I wanted was to hurt him all over again.

*****

I freshened up my lip gloss and stepped out of the car just as Antonio was pulling into the parking lot.  We made eye contact as he was climbing out of his truck and I could still feel the awkward tension between us from our conversation earlier.  He forced a smile.

“
Whassup,” he said casually.

I smiled back and greeted him as he held the door for me to step inside.  We stood there in silence waiting to be seated, again pointing out that things were still strange between us.

              The hostess seated us and I couldn’t take it anymore. 

“
Ok, so look, at the risk of making things even weirder between us, I just wanna say that I’ve really enjoyed hanging out with you lately.”

He smiled at that, which set me at ease a little.  “So have I.”

My heart quickened as I chose my words very carefully.  “With everything I’ve gone through lately, it was nice to have someone around who could not only relate, but you made yourself available for me.  And given our history, that meant more to me than you’d ever realize.”

Antonio nodded.

“And because you’ve been such a good friend…I just wanna make sure that our lines don’t get crossed.  I wasn’t being funny when I told you not to come pick me up; I just don’t wanna mess this up,” I admitted.

My words seemed to be sinking in, causing a little of the tension to melt away.

“I get it.  I wasn’t meaning to make you uncomfortable.  It just made sense to me for us to ride together.”

“I know.  That’s why I wanted to clear the air.”  I smiled at him.  “We cool?”

He smiled back.  “We cool.”

The waitress came, we ate, and by 7:30 we were ready to head for the theater.  I tailed behind Antonio’s car and sighed when I heard my phone buzzing in my purse.  The caller ID flashed AJ’s name and I felt all those bad feelings rushing back – the ones I’d been trying my best to outrun.  After sending him to voicemail, I pitched the phone over onto the passenger-side seat.  For the sake of not being disturbed during the movie, I just decided to leave my cell in the car. 
Almost an entire two hours passed while the movie ran, and I managed not to think of AJ every single second.  Granted, he did cross my mind frequently, it just wasn’t as often as usual. 

The walk bac
k to our cars was a slow one – my reason being that I wasn’t in a rush to get back to my dorm. 

“
This is fun; I like hanging with you.” 

I looked up to find Antonio staring me down.  “Yeah…
it has been,” I replied.  “This is becoming sort of a routine for us I think.”

He nodd
ed and then a moment later we were plunged into silence.  Eventually, he broke it by asking, “So…still haven’t talked to AJ?”

I exhaled sharply
.  “No…and I don’t really plan to.”

Antonio
was quiet.  Since we’d been talking again, he only mentioned AJ occasionally, simply asking if we’d been in touch.

I looked Antonio’s way when he added
, “Do you think you ever will?”

My steps slowed even more.  “
Not if I can avoid it.  I have no interest in hearing his side of things; he’s lied so much that it makes my head spin.”

Antonio didn’t respond
 

I pretended to be okay with the idea of AJ and
I never communicating again.  “But…you live and you learn, right?  I made the mistake of trusting him, and now I know not to be so quick to let someone in.  See what I just did?  I found the silver lining,” I added, forcing a smile.

Antonio smiled skepticall
y, but clearly wasn’t buying my act.  My expression went blank when I realized that it wasn’t working. 
Who was I kidding?  I was flat-out miserable.

“Not to bring up old stuff, but…
when I went through this, I felt like it was the end of the world, too,” Antonio shared.  “I guess what I’m trying to say is – it gets better eventually.  I believe you’ll be happy again.  Maybe sooner than you think.”

I nodded
, but honestly didn’t believe a word of it.  As far as I could tell, my heart would always bear the scars of me and AJ’s failed relationship.  I was so sure we’d make it...

Antonio stopped beside my car. 
“You should come chill at my place.”  He assessed the look on my face and then added, “Unless you need to get back.  I just thought –“

“No, it’
s cool.  I wanna hang out, it’s just that I need to get back and get some homework done,” which was kind of true.  “Tomorrow, though?”

He smiled a little.  “Sounds like a plan.  We can order pizza and just kick it.”

Antonio opened my car door for me and I climbed in.  Before shutting it, he glanced down like he wanted to say something.

“
Whassup?”

There was a brief
hesitation before Antonio replied.  “I just – I like that we’re talking again.”

That seemed innocent enough, so
I smiled at him.  “It’s been cool hanging with you again, too.”

He nodded with a smile, and then watched as I backed out of the parking space.  Shortly after I turned out onto the main road, I saw him turn out in the opposite direction, headed home I assumed. 

I made it back to the dorm and parked before my phone sounded off.  Glancing down, I read Terrell’s name on the screen.  Knowing he was about to scold me for not being around much, I almost didn’t answer.

“Hey,
whassup?”

He sighed into the phone.  “What?  You can’t call
nobody?  I left you two messages yesterday.”

“I know.  I’ve just been busy.  What’d you need?”

“I was tryna check on you.  Where you been lately?”

I hesitated to answer his question as I traipsed up the walkway to our building.  “Around,” was the only response I
gave.

“Really?
  ‘
Around’?
”  He repeated. 

I laughed a little. 
“Why you all in my business?  Where
you
been?”  I shot back teasingly, rounding the corner to take the next flight of stairs.

“
Naw, don’t turn this around on me.  You got a new dude or something?”

I paused midstride.  “Depends on who’s asking – you or AJ?”

Terrell’s breath hitched in his throat.  “W-what?”

My feet were moving again as I headed for the last set of stairs.  “
Mmm hmm…I saw y’all the other day.  Apparently he’s your new bestie,” I teased, trying to hide the fact that I really didn’t like that I no longer knew which one of us he was being loyal to.  “How do I know that’s
your
question and not his?

Terrell laughed a little.  “
It’s mine, but you can’t be mad.  You’re the one who wanted us to get along, so…”

“Yeah, but that was before…never mind.”  Now I wasn’t hiding my feelings so well.

“Listen, I’m just tryna be there for him, Sam.  He’s really going through.”

The sound of Terrell having sympathy for AJ caught me off guard.  “Excuse me?”  I stopped walking again and folded my arms over my chest.  “What exactly is AJ going through that he didn’t bring on himself?”

Terrell sighed into the phone.

“You believe him, don’t you?” I asked.  When he didn’t respond, I shook my head.

“You haven’t heard his side of the story,” Terrell reasoned.

“That’s where you’re wrong.  I’ve read every letter, text, and email AJ’s sent me.  The difference between you and me is that he hasn’t been lying to you for months.  So, yeah, I guess if I was in your shoes, I’d believe him too.”

“Just give him a chance to speak his piece,” was the last thing I heard Terrell say before I turned the corner and almost dropped my phone.  Sitting there at the end of the hallway beside my door…was AJ, looking like someone’s lost puppy.

“I
gotta call you back,” I said, quietly disconnecting the call with Terrell. 

The sound of my footsteps caught AJ’s attention when I came closer.  I kept my gaze set on him as I fidgeted with my keys.  My heart fluttered in my chest and I had to take a deep breath to make it stop.  Our eyes locked on one another, and for a moment, I almost forgot everything he’d done.