Secrets (23 page)

I hated that he
had this effect on me.  Even more, I hated that he was probably in his room, only feeling bad about getting caught.  It didn’t seem fair.  I wanted to be over him so that I could break his hold.  I wanted to forget about how he made me feel, about the plans we’d made for the future, and about our past.  If I could do that, I’d be able to put all this crying and moping behind me.  He didn’t deserve my tears to be quite honest.

When I managed to calm down, I lay in bed thinking the rest of the
night, mostly because I couldn’t sleep.  The times I wasn’t dwelling on AJ’s betrayal, I was thinking about how closely this all paralleled what I’d put Antonio through……and I wanted to call him.  I know, I know; he didn’t need to be dragged into all this again, but I wasn’t exactly thinking clearly.  Besides, I owed him an apology for being snobby toward him the last time we spoke. 

No one would ever unde
rstand why I was calling
him
of all people, but for some reason he was the only one I wanted to talk to at this point.  Everyone else I was close to was happy in a committed relationship and would only offer me condolences out of pity – not because they could relate.  It’d serve me right if I called Antonio and he did nothing but rub salt in my gaping wound, but I knew him better than that.

The next morning, Deanna was still asleep in my bed.  As quietly as I could, I crept to the bathroom with my phone in hand. 

Antonio answered sleepily.  “Sam?”

“Yeah, it’s me.”

He cleared his throat and sounded more alert when he asked, “What’s wrong?  You ok?”

“Yeah, I just need to talk to someone…
and I was hoping you wouldn’t mind if I came over.”

God, please don’t let this man cuss me out for asking him for a
favor after everything I’ve put him through.  Not that I don’t deserve it, but…my heart probably couldn’t take that right now.

“When?”
  He asked.

I looked at my pitiful reflection in the mirror. 
“As soon as I shower and get dressed.  Is that ok?”

He cleared his throat again.  “Sure.  Want breakfast?”

I smiled weakly, feeling
soooo
unworthy of his kindness.  “No…I’m fine.”

“Alright then
, I’ll text you the directions.”

After ending the call,
I tiptoed out of the bathroom and over to the dresser to get my clothes without waking Deanna.  I showered and pulled my hair up into a messy bun.  When I checked my phone, Antonio had already sent me the address so I was on my way.  Deanna snored softly as I snuck past her and out to my car. 

Five or six minutes later, I pulled up at Antonio’s apartment.  I was beginning to have second thoughts about going insid
e.  But why?  It wasn’t like I was risking anything.  I mean…..AJ and I were already over, so it didn’t really matter.  It wasn’t like I was going to see Antonio as anything other than friends anyway.  With that mindset, I stepped out of the car and walked toward the building.  He’d left the door partially open so that I could let myself in.

“Hey,” he ca
lled out from the kitchen where he stood downing a bowl of cereal at the counter.

“Hey.”  I still wasn’t convinced that I hadn’t crossed
a line that didn’t need to be crossed by showing up at his door

I sat on the couch and looked around
his place.  There was a burgundy, leather sofa with a color-block rug in the middle of the room.  Other than a TV and bookcase filled with movies, there wasn’t much else to see. 

I glanced up at Antonio again where he stood in the kitchen rinsing his bowl, and t
he irony of it all wasn’t lost on me.  Deanna had issues of her own to deal with, Terrell needed to focus on Maisha, my parents were too far away to help me through this, and I didn’t feel close enough to any of my other friends yet to discuss what I was going through.  Truth is, AJ had really put my heart through the wringer, and, as messed up as it is……Antonio was the only person I could think of to turn to.   

All of a sudden, the tears sta
rted again.  Frustrated by the lack of control I had over my emotions, I wiped the few tears away with the back of my hand. I sat there wondering if this was all the result of moving into the relationship with AJ too fast.  Maybe I’d misread all the signs.  For a fleeting second, it honestly crossed my mind that our collision in the hallway was a test, and I’d allowed him to avert my steps onto a path that I was never meant to walk.  I felt so confused.  Antonio looked up to find me sniffling and hesitantly came over to sit beside me, leaving a few inches between us, which I appreciated.

“Is there anything I can do?”  He asked softly.

I shook my head ‘no’ and tried to quench my tears.  I hadn’t told him a thing that had gone down, but I got the feeling that he’d already guessed.  When I leaned on his shoulder, he froze because he wasn’t expecting it, but eventually relaxed once the awkwardness passed.  I felt so broken.  Living without AJ didn’t even seem like it was possible.  For the past year I’d hardly made a move without him.  Now, all of a sudden, I had to pull it together and figure out how to move on.

“I don’t know what you’re g
oing through, but I’m glad you knew I’d be here for you……no matter what.”

My emotions soared again
and shame washed over me as Antonio’s words settled in on my heart.  I knew it was wrong to turn to the man whose heart
I’d
broken, yet…..here I was.  There were so many ways Antonio could’ve used this situation as an opportunity to get back at me for what I’d done and how I’d treated him, but he didn’t.

“Sure you’re not hungry?”  He asked.

I shook my head and continued to stare at the wall.

“Well, if you’re not in a rush to leave, we can just sit, talk,
watch TV, whatever you wanna do.”

Where else would I go?
  “TV’s fine.”

Wh
en he reached for the remote, I put distance between us again just to make sure he didn’t get the wrong impression.  We zoned out watching some made-for-TV Sci-Fi movie that did little to get my mind off of AJ.  In fact, I couldn’t even tell you what it was about.  From time to time, Antonio looked over in my direction.  He didn’t say anything, but I imagined that he was thinking back over our history, maybe wondering how, after all we’d been through, I ended up there on his couch.  I know I said I was done apologizing, but I couldn’t sit there in his apartment with him being so nice and pretend like I didn’t owe him a
real
apology – not the self-righteous, dismissive kind I’d given him before. 

“Antonio…
I.”  My voice broke as he turned to meet my gaze.  Maybe this wasn’t a good time.  My emotions were already all over the place. 

He pointed the remote at the television and muted it, giving me his full attention.
“What’s up?”

I shook my head, again thinking that I’d brought all this pain on myself.  Maybe this was the universe’s way of
paying me back. 
Karma
.

“I did you so wrong,” I said quietly,
finally looking into Antonio’s eyes.  “Even when we met up weeks ago, I wouldn’t even give you a chance to –“

“Don’t,” he interjected.  “You’
ve already said you’re sorry like….a hundred times.  I’m good. 
We’re
good.  Seriously.”  He looked over my face, probably saw the pain that I wasn’t hiding all that well and then decided to ask again, “Are you sure you don’t wanna talk about whatever’s bothering you, though?”

Did I
wanna tell him?  Was that even okay?
  For a few seconds, I deliberated, but then just went ahead and blurted it before I could change my mind again.  “I broke up with AJ.”

It wasn’t like Antonio didn’t already know
AJ was creeping behind my back anyway, hence the reason he didn’t look all that shocked.

“I
got all the proof I needed last week.”  Tears welled up in my eyes again as I relived that moment in my mind.  Antonio slid his hand over toward mine and held it.  I sniffled and wiped away a tear or two before finishing. 

“I feel
sooooo stupid for not listening and for not seeing that this was coming.  I don’t even understand how it happened!”

Ant
onio didn’t say a word.

“
In between bouts of feeling sorry for myself, I keep thinking that, on some level, I deserved this.”  I shook my head, feeling a little embarrassed by my past behavior.

“Don’t do that,
” Antonio insisted.  I looked over to see the slight scowl on his face.  “I knew from day one he’d pull a dick-move like this eventually.  He played us
both
.”

I sat quietly while Antonio seemed to get
lost in thought, probably thinking over the past and the role AJ played in breaking his heart and now mine.  When he shook his head I turned to face him.

“What is it?”  I asked.

“Nah…it’s nothing.”

Now I was curious.  “Speak your mind.  When’s the last time we just talked without it being awkward or…weird between us?  Whatever it is, say it.”

Antonio glanced over at me for a second and then managed to smile a little.  “I was just thinking about how, after everything you and I have been through…I hate seeing you cry over him.  It makes me feel like I should’ve fought harder for you, because I
never
would’ve broken your heart.”

I didn’t speak, mostly because I didn’t know what to say.

“Sometimes I feel like I let you slip through my fingers too easily – like I should’ve proven to you that you’re worth fighting for,” he added.

My face felt warm with embarrassment when he put me on the spot, which made him chuckle a little.

“Was I wrong for saying that?” He asked.

I weighed my words carefully.  “Not…..
wrong,
per se, I just……I don’t...” 

His smile gr
ew as I stammered.  “Relax, I’m not hitting on you.  I’m just sayin’…you’re not the only one who wonders if you should’ve done something differently.”

Speaking of awkward….m
y pulse raced even faster, feeling stupid for jumping to conclusions. 
Here I go overreacting again; of course he didn’t mean anything by it
.

“
You know what? I think I’m gonna take off now,” I said, unable to make eye contact.  “Believe it or not, I’m supposed to be in class and I can’t afford to be a no-show again.” 

Antonio shook his head with a slight smile still present, knowing that I just needed an excuse to exit. 
He stood and followed me to the door where I slipped back into my shoes and coat. 

“I’m glad you came by – glad that you knew it’d be okay,” he corrected. 

I nodded, feeling the same way.  A shocked look came over his face when I hugged him quickly before opening the door to let myself out.

I was half way
down the sidewalk when he asked, “Will I see you again anytime soon?” 

I
looked back and shrugged coyly.  “You know what?  You might.”

C
hapte
r
12

AJ

That look on her face…..

What she accused me of doing
…..

Staring at her ring in my hand,
I went over it and over it again and again and
still
didn’t believe the way things went down.  It was like watching a movie of someone else’s life, yelling at the television screen that everything they
thought
was real wasn’t, only to have your words fall on deaf ears.  In Sam’s mind, I was guilty and there wasn’t anything I could do to change that. 

I spent days going over the details in my mind.  At first I was hurt that she thought I was even
capable
of cheating on her, but then when I looked at the situation from
her
perspective…

I’d been lying for months, and while I felt like my motives were noble, it wasn’t until everything blew up in my face that I realized that there
is
no such thing as a noble lie.  My attempt to shield her from reality ended up making me look like a fraud.  She wouldn’t even listen to me when I tried to explain.

When I returned from pleading with her in the court yard, I couldn’t believe that Reina
had actually stuck around.  She met my gaze with fear in her eyes when I slammed the door and rushed toward her, nearly forgetting that she wasn’t a guy and that I couldn’t put my hands on her.

“
What the hell are you doing here?” I demanded.

“I didn’t
mean for this to happen,” she reasoned.

That wasn’t the answer to my question
and whether she
meant
for this to happen or not, Sam was now thoroughly convinced that I betrayed her.  Fighting off insanity, I gritted my teeth and stared into the eyes of the girl who’d probably just cost me everything I’d been working so hard to hold on to.

“
I only came here to help you!”  She explained.

I stared at her questioningly.
  “
What
?”

“
They thought that…They thought maybe you’d listen if…”

The sound of her stammering infuriated me.  “
Tell me everything.  And I do mean everything.”

Still keeping a watchful eye on me, Reina back
ed into the wall and ran through the details in her mind before she started talking.

“
My father got a call from yours a couple nights ago.  He told him about the trouble you’d gotten into here.”

Her words weren’t even registering. 
“Trouble?  Trouble I got
myself
into?”

Reina nodded.  “
With some guys here on campus, I guess?  He said that your mother’s freaking out and that they’ve been trying to get you go back home for awhile until everything dies down, but you wouldn’t listen.”

I stood there hear
ing to my father’s lies being spoken through Reina.

“
Your dad told mine that you were only insistent on staying here because you didn’t want to leave your girlfriend, but that things were pretty bad.  So…in exchange for me coming here to talk you into going…they struck a deal.”

I could hardly see straight.  “What deal?”

Reina saw the fury behind my eyes and hesitated before adding, “If we could get you to go home…your father offered mine a larger share of the company,” she admitted, her voice trailing off at the end.

I took a step back as my mind reeled
.

“He asked my dad for help, offered
a two-thirds majority share….and my father agreed,” Reina added.  “He didn’t understand why your dad would make such a generous proposal, but he just figured that whatever you’re involved in must be pretty bad.  Your dad sent a copy of your room key that Vick made and…”

“
And you coming here…doing what you did…that was your
father’s
idea?”  I asked, pacing, finding it hard to believe that her dad would encourage her to get naked in my bed all for the sake of getting more out of a business deal.

Reina was quiet at first, and then never met my gaze when she finally did speak.  “Well, not exactly, but…

“How much money did he promise you?”

She
looked down at the ground when my words struck a nerve. 
Unbelievable
.  Shame caused her cheeks to burn bright red as I stared at her, trying to imagine how that conversation between her and her father must’ve gone.

Clearly my father was more desperate than I realized if he’d resorted to openly seeking Mr. Tanaka’s help – even if he
did
put it all on me.  Still…did he really expect this asinine plan to work?  Most likely he knew that it was a shot in the dark, but because it’d only cost him money
if
Reina actually convinced me to leave, he figured ‘why the hell not’.  And it wasn’t lost on me that he’d probably even saw the possibility of Sam finding out as an added bonus.

“I should go,” Reina said in a hushed tone.  “I shouldn’t have come here
in the first place.  I’m…I’m sorry for…everything,” she said when she couldn’t pinpoint just one isolated issue to apologize for.  I was screwed and she knew it.

Just like that, Reina was gone, and I was left sitting there trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces.

A month and a half passed and Sam still wouldn’t see me or return my calls.  I tried catching her leaving out of her classes; that didn’t work.  She anticipated my every move and somehow managed to avoid me.  It was like chasing a ghost.  I’d left notes on the windshield of her car, under her bedroom door, and even tried to email her a few times.  Nothing worked.  I explained everything every chance I got, but, after the way everything came out, she still wouldn’t believe me. 

Deanna let me k
now that she was fine, but that wasn’t good enough.  I nearly broke my neck one day trying to get outside to catch her when I saw her walking down the sidewalk to her car.  By the time I ran down the three flights of stairs from my room, she was already gone. 

Terrell had been trying to coerce her into hearing m
e out, but she wouldn’t budge.  I couldn’t understand how we could live so close to one another and yet I could never find her.  The thought occurred that she must’ve been spending a lot of time off campus somewhere…
but where
?

I paced back and forth in front of my window after my last class for the day, hoping to catch a glimpse of Sam, but her car was gone again.  Yeah…she’d found something to keep her off campus as much as possible. 
Something or
someone
.  The thought of her moving on made my fists tighten. 

Tearing my eyes away from the walkway leading to Sam’s building, I reached for my phone
when it rang.

“Yeah?”

“Let’s hang.  You need to get out and quit perving at the window like I know you’re doing right now,” Terrell replied.

“No, I’m not,” I lied, glancing up at Sam’s window when I did.

“Yeah, whatever.  You down?”

A fresh dose of frustration washed over me as I scanned the lot for her car again.  “Yeah…I’m down.”

We agreed to meet at a bar and grill downtown that he found.  Our table was near a window facing the crowded streets.

“
You been alright, man?”  Terrell asked.

“Not really, but what can I do?  She won’t listen to me.”  I lowered my head and stared at the table.  “I can’t
even blame her, though; I probably wouldn’t believe
her
if the shoe was on the other foot.”  A replay of how that night went down ran through my mind.  It looked bad and on top of that, someone had already put the idea of me cheating in her head.  Things couldn’t have come together any less favorably for me if someone had sat and planned it all out.

“Don’t beat yourself up
, man.  She’ll come around after awhile.”

I wasn’t convinced. 
Terrell didn’t see the look on Sam’s face that night.  We’d been through some really heavy stuff, and I’d
never
seen her so broken before.  To add insult to injury, the merger between my father and Mr. Tanaka was completely over a week ago and everything but the irreparable damage that’d been done to me and Sam’s relationship had gone back to normal.  No more Vick and Louis.  No more threats.  Nothing.

Terrell sat across f
rom me silent, watching me breakdown mentally right before his eyes. 

“How is she?”  I asked.  “Like….for real.  I mean, Deanna said she’s fine, but…I wanna hear it from you.”

Terrell took a sip of his drink.  “She’s doing alright from what I can tell, but she hasn’t been around all that much lately.  I still see her because she’s right down the hall, but mostly I just catch her coming and going.”

I frowned.  “Yeah, I noticed she’s been gone a lot…any idea where she’s been spending her time?”  After asking the question, I braced myself for Terrell’s answer. 
There had to be another guy…

He
shrugged.  “I’ve asked, but she just tells me to mind my business.”

I had a feeling that’d be the case
.  Picking Terrell’s brain was my only way of having access to Sam, hence the reason I hadn’t talked to much of anyone but him since the breakup – living vicariously through his interactions with her, piecing together what her life had become since losing touch almost two months ago.

“This can’t just be how i
t all ends,” I said to myself, shaking my head at how messed up this whole situation was.  Let her go?  I couldn’t even process the concept.  Aloud or in my thoughts, I hadn’t even been able to refer to Sam as an ‘ex’; in my head she was still mine.  “If I told you some of the things we’ve been through, you’d probably think I was lying.”

Terrell gave a thoughtful nod. 
“Ditto.  Maisha and I have had our share of drama, too.  We even hooked up under bad circumstances.”  He shook his head and amended his statement.  “
Tragic
circumstances.”

From the outside looking in, he and Maisha seemed to have this all figured out,
so I’m sure he could tell that his response came as a shock.

“Sam ever tell you why me and
her clicked the way we did?”  Terrell asked.

I thought back several months when I drove to the campus just to see what was up between them.  “She told me something
about  reminding you of your sister I think.

He nodded.  “Yeah
, she does….a
lot
.  Even Maisha sees the resemblance.”

“You two close? 
You and your sister?”

There was a distant look in Terrell’s eyes that I didn’t know how to read.  I
waited almost half a minute for him to respond with, “We
were.
”

Were
?

Terrell’s expression went blank as his gaze shifted down to the table.  “
She passed away a few years ago,” he admitted solemnly, sadness filling his expression.  “Her and Maisha were best friends; that’s how we ended up together.  She was broken.  I was broken.  We just sort of bonded while we were trying to pick up the pieces.”

I shook my head. 
“I had no idea.”

“Sam doesn’t even know.  It was like seeing a ghost when I saw her walking down the hall the day she moved in, though.  Instantly, I just felt this overwhelming need to protect her….the way I didn’t have a chance to protect my sister.”

I wondered what he meant by that, but I wouldn’t dare ask such a personal question.

“Suicide,”
he exhaled, fidgeting with his glass.  “I came home one night and found her in the bathroom; I got there too late.”  Terrell’s eyes shifted out the window, staring at the world outside. “Apparently, she’d been going through some things that she didn’t even share with Maisha until the night she took her life.  Looking back, we both think that was her way of explaining to us why she was getting ready to take such drastic measures.”

Now I understood what drew him to Sam
.  On some level, she gave him a way to have his sister back.

Terrell realized that he’d zoned out and came back to the present conversation.  “My bad; I didn’t mean to make the conversation about me,” he said, smiling a little. 

“No, it’s cool, man.  Seriously.  I’m sorry to hear about your sister, though.  I can’t even imagine.”

Terrell nodded and then reached for the bill before I could when the waitress brought it.  “Nah, it’s on me.  You needed to get out and get some fresh air,” he reasoned. 

I nodded and didn’t fight him.  Apparently we were something like friends now anyway.

My roommate was already asleep
when I finally made it back in, so I left the light off and assumed my usual post by the window, occasionally checking to see if I could catch Sam coming up the walkway toward her building.  When four o’clock rolled around and she still wasn’t back, all types of thoughts were going through my head – thoughts of her being with some other guy and what they could possibly still be doing at this hour.  My hands could practically feel the smooth warmth of her skin as I reminisced about the way I used to touch her. The surge of anger that rolled down my spine caused me to pace as my thoughts shifted to images of some
other
guys hands on her like that.  I couldn’t help but to feel like her body was my own personal possession, because before me, it hadn’t belonged to anyone else.  I finally gave up waiting for her to come back, climbing into bed angry and frustrated. 
Where the hell was she?