Secret Worlds (271 page)

She had to assume he’d be able to resist his instincts this time around and let her fight her battles. He’d managed to in their first attempt against Paulinus, but there had been little risk then. With everything she’d learned, this was only getting more dangerous. Honestly, though Boudica had wanted to go it alone, she, Diana, would rather work with
Cadan. She just hoped he would agree to do it on her terms. She shook the thought away and knelt on the ground.

With a steady hand, she opened the basket that she’d brought with her and released the hare, Andrasta’s sacred animal, who ran to the center of the circle. Would this even work? But as she recited the ancient words to call the goddess of victory, the words her soul still remembered, a tingle of knowledge and recognition ran over her skin.

It felt like an age, but finally the mist swirled and a woman appeared in place of the hare. Diana stared her straight in the eyes, knowing that this goddess needed no obsequious bowing or scraping. After the day she’d had, she wasn’t going to get it anyway.

Andrasta was smaller than Diana recalled, and much more delicate than one would expect of a warrior goddess. Her pale hair was pulled away from her face to reveal wise, even features. She looked so...young. She wore a leather breastplate and brown leather pants. A bow hung casually from her right hand and a quiver of arrows peeked out above one shoulder.

How did one greet a warrior goddess? Apparently her knowledge of divine protocol hadn’t transferred with Boudica’s memories.

“Boudica. Wow. It has been a long time.” Andrasta’s voice was nothing like she’d expected. Perky, and with an entirely modern cadence and word choice.

“Um, it’s Diana, now.”

The goddess nodded and swung the bow at her side. “Diana, then. I haven’t been called out of Otherworld in centuries.”

“Where are my daughters?” Diana started—she hadn’t expected that to come out of her mouth. But after seeing Paulinus’s son, the knowledge that they technically still existed, even if it was in another form, had been creeping in her mind.

“In Otherworld. They’re happy, though.” Diana could almost hear the pity in Andrasta’s voice.

“So, I can’t…”

“No, they’re unreachable. If they’re meant to be reborn, they will be.” Andrasta seemed to be able to guess her thoughts before they left her mouth. Diana was grateful. The questions were almost too painful to complete.

“There’s no other way to get them out?”

“I’m sorry, but no. That is the nature of our world, our beliefs.”

Diana felt sick. “Then what if I don’t believe it?”

“It wouldn’t matter. It’s what they believe that counts. And even if it were your choice, this is a matter of belief, not desire. Controlling belief is a difficult thing. You may think you are convincing yourself, but your subconscious knows. You’ve believed in this fate for thousands of years.”

The words hit her like a brick. Memories flared in her mind. She remembered exactly what Andrasta had told her before, two thousand years ago. Her stomach roiled. “You told me my fate, the last time we met here. Told me that I would die, but that it would be so that I could complete what I had started. Did you know that this was how it would go? That as Boudica, I would kill myself so that I could keep Paulinus in hell?”
And possibly atone for the boy?

“I didn’t know exactly how it would happen, but I didn’t want you to have to kill yourself. You were my favorite mortal.” A small smile kicked up the corner of her mouth.

So that was the reason she’d been so quick to leave Cadan. Not just to save her people, and not just to avoid capture. So that she could do what had to be done. She’d been meant to do this for thousands of years.

“Is it true, then?” Diana asked. “The myth about you and Camulos?”

Andrasta grimaced and nodded. “There’s more to it than what’s recorded, but the gist of it is accurate. It sucked.”

“Is that how I’m supposed to get to Erebus?”

“It would work,” Andrasta said. “Paulinus will continue to send harpies after you until he has you. Going on your terms will give you an advantage. And sooner is better than later. The magic he’s been working has strengthened the portal. It will become easier for beings to escape.”

“And everyone will get out?” Diana’s voice was weak. “Erebus is where dead Roman warriors go. There will be thousands of pissed-off warriors loose in Edinburgh?”

Andrasta shrugged. “Maybe. But probably not, since they’re only souls without bodies. That’s what Paulinus needs you for—to give his soul a form and path back to this world. No, it would be the harpies and other demons who’d be able to use the portal, as they have both their bodies and their souls. As Mytheans, they can cross the barriers without the death it usually takes to grant a mortal passage.”

“How do I kill Paulinus? How do I destroy him so that he never comes back?”

“The same way that you would kill him on earth. He doesn’t have an earthly body, but he’s no ghost either. As the person who killed him the first time, only you can kill him again. And you’re the only one who can dispatch his afterworld form.”

“Wait...what? What about his soul? Is that different from his afterworld form?”

“Ah, good catch. We don’t know if it would be destroyed. Perhaps it would, or perhaps it would go elsewhere. Souls are pretty tough.”

“But what about the myth? The story of you and Camulos? You destroyed his soul in Otherworld.”

“Thought I did. And for a long time, we thought that he was gone forever. I’ve very recently discovered that might not actually be the case. He’s probably still alive.”

Were her eyes a little brighter?

“So, that’s why you don’t think I can destroy Paulinus’s soul?”

“Yes.”

Diana’s chest constricted. If Camulos could come back after Andrasta had killed him...

“So, is there no way to destroy Paulinus so that he can never hurt us again?” Diana asked.

“Well, there’s no way for
you
to destroy him forever.” She hesitated before continuing, searching Diana’s face as if she were debating her next words. “But if he were to kill
himself
, then yes, possibly. The universe allows us choice, and if he were to make the choice, particularly if it were in sacrifice, then his soul would probably disappear.”

“Wait—why sacrifice?”

“It’s one of the most powerful forces there is. Just killing yourself in the afterworld could destroy your soul, but it’s not a sure thing. What would hell be if you could escape it? However, a sacrifice can give it that extra push.”

So, like her survival, truly defeating Paulinus was possible but not probable. “And what about me? Could I survive this?”

“In some form or another, yes. You’ll always survive.”

“You were made a god.”

“Those were very different circumstances.” Andrasta frowned sympathetically.

Diana’s shoulders drooped. “I didn’t really want to be made a god. But I didn’t want to die either.”

“I know. You’ll probably be reincarnated as you were before.”

“That’s it? That’s my best bet?” Wait another two thousand years to be reborn? Where would Cadan be by then?

“Yeah, I’m really sorry I can’t give you more. But you are the key to this, and it won’t necessarily end in tragedy. But I’ve run out of earth time and the other gods will notice my absence. I’ve got to go.”

“Thanks, Andrasta.” And she was grateful. She really was. But with everything looming on the horizon, it was hard to remember.

“Of course. It’s not often that I get out of Otherworld. Earth rocks.” The goddess looked away from her then and around the clearing. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

It looked pretty bleak to Diana, but maybe that was because she’d died here before. “The clearing?”

“Earth.” Andrasta reached down to pick up a handful of fallen leaves. She inhaled deeply of their fragrance, then let them flutter to the ground. Diana caught sight of a hint of green in the leaves, as if the life had returned to them after Andrasta’s touch.

“I suppose. But you’re from the land of the gods. Isn’t it beautiful there?”

Andrasta sighed. “It’s not home.”

The comment squeezed Diana’s heart. Andrasta had been mortal, after all. “Would you return here if you could?”

“I’d give anything.”

So would I.
But how was she going to make that happen?

Diana opened her eyes in Esha’s flat. Esha lay sprawled on the couch throwing cat treats to the Chairman, who didn’t seem to be moving much but managed to catch them in his mouth all the same. Warren was pacing behind the kitchen island.

“Hey, warrior lady, how’d it go?” Esha looked up from the magazine she was skimming with the hand that wasn’t throwing treats.

“Neither as well nor as poorly as it could have.” Which was just another way of saying that she was in the same situation as before she’d left.

Screwed.

“You just can’t get a break with this.” Esha lobbed a high-flying treat at the cat, who snagged it out of the air.

“Too true. Where’s Cadan?” Diana asked.

“On an errand. He’ll be back soon.” Esha set down the magazine and looked at Diana. For all her joking and treat throwing, her eyes reflected the direness of the situation. “Are you going in? To get Paulinus?”

“Yes.”

Esha grimaced. “No other way, huh?”

Diana shook her head.

“Then you think you can do this? Kill him and all?”

“I don’t know. But I know that if I don’t try, then they’ll eventually find me and kill me. And if the portal opens to more harpies, then a lot of other people will die as well.” Her dreams of a tenure-track teaching position seemed silly in comparison.

There was a pounding at the door and Esha leapt up to answer it. Diana wasn’t surprised to see that it was Cadan. She was in his arms before she could blink. He lifted her face to his and kissed her hard on the mouth.

“What did you find?” he asked as he drew away.

He looked so good. Alive and healthy and permanent in a way that she wanted to be. Diana relayed everything that Andrasta had told her.

“
That’s
not great,” Esha said.

Diana agreed. Definitely not great.

“She knows nothing, is what you’re saying.” The muscles of Cadan’s arms were tense beneath her hands.

“No, just not much that can really help me, except for the fact that I really am the only person who can do this.” While part of her soul soared at the thought, most of her felt sick over it.

Cadan yanked her to him once again and held her tightly.

“Let’s discuss logistics.” Diana pulled out of his arms. She’d barely accepted her fate and if she was going to go through with this, it was going to have to be soon, before she backed out and threatened the whole world, not just herself. “How do I get my entire soul into Erebus, since only sending part of it didn’t work the first time around?”

“That’s fairly simple.” Warren’s voice was calm as he turned from Esha to look at her, but there was something sad in his eyes. “You have to walk through the portal. Your body may die at the entry and collapse, but your soul would continue through.”

“But I can’t see the portal.”

“I can guide you,” Esha said.

“So then I would be in Erebus? Not Tartarus or the Fields of Asphodel or any of the other Roman afterworld realms?”

“Aye, since that is where he opened it,” Warren said.

“It would be best if you could sneak up on Paulinus, since he will be expecting you. I think I can help with that,” Esha said.

“Thank you.”

“When will you go?” Warren asked.

“Tomorrow morning. It has to be soon.”
Before I back out.

Diana winced as Cadan squeezed her hand. She would go and kill the father, but then what would happen to the son?

They barely made it through the front door of his flat when they returned from Esha’s. Cadan was on her in an instant. He’d meant to be gentle. Their last night should be tender, but fear for her rode his back like a demon.

He slammed the door behind him and whirled her around until she was pressed against it.

“Cadan.” Her voice was breathless as he crowded her up against the door.

“Diana. I need you.”

“Yes,” she whispered. “Now. Please now.”

He groaned as he bent his head to capture her lips. His hands gripped her hips and yanked her toward him.

Diana fumbled with his fly.
Faster
. The silk of her shirt tore beneath his hands, her pale breasts beautiful in the light. He tore off her panties, desperately grateful to find her wet and ready. His fingers lingered only briefly before desire overwhelmed him. He thrust inside her, groaning as her wet heat closed around him.

She moaned his name. Desperate longing drove him as he pounded into her.
Take me. Take all of me
. He wanted to bury his pain and his fear in this one perfect act. For just a second he wanted to forget everything the future held in store for him without her.

When her pussy began to contract around him and her cries echoed in his ears, his wish was made reality.

An hour later they lay in bed together, wrapped in one another as if they’d never have to part.

“Cadan,” Diana said. Her small hand came up to rest on his cheek and he turned into it. “I’m sorry that I’m leaving you again.”

Nay, you’re not leaving me again. I won’t be letting you.
He crushed those thoughts, and waited before speaking, desperately hoping that she would ask for his help. It was
fucking hard
to resist the instinct to keep her safe by fighting her battles for her.

“If there was any other way for me to stay, to not go through with this, I would do it. But I have to save Vivienne. To close the portal.”

Ask me
.
Ask me to help. Ask me.
It was torture not to tell her his plans, but he wanted her to ask for his help rather than force it on her.

***

Diana looked at the man holding her as if he were afraid to ever let go. How could she not love this tortured, complex man?

“Cadan,” she said, hoping to prove to both of them that she trusted his word, “would you escort me to the portal tomorrow? I want you to be there when I go.”