Secret Worlds (266 page)

She squeezed her eyes shut and visualized the chamber. Their bodies still stood there; they just had to return their minds.

“That’s it—it’s working,” Esha said.

When Diana opened her eyes, the scene in front of her began to fizzle out like a dying fog. A moment later, they were standing in the underground chamber.

“Hang onto me, I’m getting us out of here.” Esha’s grip tightened, Diana felt a brief tug, and they were back in Esha’s flat. She reached out to steady herself against the couch, swallowing hard against her roiling stomach.

“What was that? Why were we trapped? Could he see us?”

“I—I don’t know. That’s never happened before.” Esha sat on the couch and buried her hands in her hair. “None of this has ever happened before.”

“They had better be back here, damn it,” Cadan said as he pounded on the door to Esha’s flat.

He stood next to Warren, rage and confusion brewing a bubbling poison in his veins, waiting, hoping, for their knock to be answered. At Warren’s suggestion, they’d tracked Diana and Esha to the underground. They hadn’t seen them there, nor had the guards. Either they hadn’t been there, or Esha had cast a spell to hide them.

It had taken them nearly twenty minutes to get from the chamber back to Esha’s tower flat in hopes that they might have returned. They had no other leads. He hated this feeling.

Diana had run off alone.
A sense of helplessness he hadn’t felt in millennia fueled the anger vibrating through him. Ever since losing Boudica the first time, he’d become obsessed with controlling his environment and having a handle on things. Like her.

He’d tried to let go of Diana after she’d left him tied up in his own house. He hadn’t wanted to come after her. But then Warren had arrived, sent by Esha to free him from the Maoin straps. He’d been bloody lucky the goddess Aerten had been in a meeting with Warren when Esha had told him about Cadan. She’d helped Warren get to him so quickly. When faced with a chance to return, Cadan had felt compelled to do so. When he’d stood across from Diana in Esha’s flat earlier today, he’d realized why.

She was his heart.

He’d been stupid to ever think, no matter how briefly, that he could stay away from her. Diana drew him toward her like a dying man to his last sight of the sky. But the way she’d looked at him when he’d said that all he’d wanted to do was protect her...

“Gods damn it.” He pounded on the door again. They’d been standing here five minutes and he was starting to wonder if this was hopeless when the door swung open to reveal a scowling Esha.

“Hold your horses, damn it,” she said irritably. “What are you doing here?”

“Are you joking? I’m here for Diana,” Cadan said.

Esha raised a brow. “Any idea how she feels about that?”

“Doona care.” He pushed past her into the room. “Are you all right?” He directed the words at Diana, who stood near the couch.

She glared at him. He’d take that as a yes.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing, running off?” He was at her side in a moment, running his hands over her, checking for injuries while she struggled to pull away. Relief that she was unhurt washed over him and he released her when she started to struggle.

“What I’m supposed to do! Trying to save Vivienne and stop that bastard Gaius Suetonius Paulinus.” The gleam of battle lit her eyes as she squirmed out of his grip.

“What?” It had been centuries since he’d heard the name of the Roman general. Millennia, even. And who the hell was Vivienne?

“Who is Gaius Sue Whatever?” Esha asked.

“Gaius Suetonius Paulinus. The man who killed my daughters and destroyed my home. I killed him when I was Boudica.”

Cadan’s fist clenched. He remembered the bastard well. The one who’d taken everything from him. Not only Boudica, but his family too, years earlier when Paulinus had burned his village, Camulodunum.

“And the boy who sat against the tree? Maximus?” Esha asked.

“I killed him, too.” Diana sat hard on the couch, a vacant look in her eyes.

“Oh.” Esha blanched.

“I killed a lot of people.” Her voice was scratchy. “The boy followed his father everywhere. He was being groomed to take over and he was there when Paulinus killed my daughters. He was also on the battlefield when Paulinus came for me. So I killed him when I killed his father. Now, he wants to get out of Erebus.”

“What the hell do you have to do with that?” He didn’t want her anywhere near Paulinus, and it shone in his voice.

Diana’s eyes met his. “What
don’t
I have to do with that? He. Killed. My. Daughters. And I’m the one who sent him to hell. With his son.” She looked ill. “I killed anyone who got in my way after they killed Aela and Calea. I don’t regret most of it.”

“Just the boy,” Esha said.

Diana nodded, looked down at her hands.

“That’s it, then,” Esha said. “Paulinus could sense you because you killed him. Or your soul, rather, sent his to hell when you killed him as Boudica. Souls are powerful. By killing him, you probably linked the two of you together. At least in a small way. You’re his link to the outside world and I bet that’s why he wants you. It’s why we had a hard time leaving, too. Your soul was attracted to his.”

“I don’t get it,” Diana said. “Why is the portal threatening to open here? Why not in Italy, if it’s the Roman hell?”

“For the same reason that the university is here. Arthur’s Seat has the most magical energy of anywhere in Europe. The boundaries between earth and the afterworlds are weakest here.”

Diana buried her head in her hands. “What am I going to do? And why does he have Vivienne?”

“I don’t know about Vivienne,” Esha said. “She could be bait, a mistake, maybe even involved somehow.”

“Vivienne?” Cadan asked.

Diana briefly explained her friend’s abduction to him. “But she’s not involved. She was teaching my classes. Maybe the demon abductors got confused. So you think he’ll try to use me to get out?”

Esha nodded. “There was an altar.”

“An altar?” Cadan asked, dread sinking his stomach.

“Yeah,” Esha said. “Nothing says
blood sacrifice
like an altar.”

Diana swallowed, her eyes stark. “They want to sacrifice me?”

“Yeah, sucks,” Esha said.

“Eloquent, Esha,” Warren said.

“Shut up, Warren—some dead guy wants to cut open my new friend here on a big black rock in hell.
Sucks
is one of the nicer words to describe it.”

Diana nodded. “So, there’s a spell—probably one that involves my death—that is the key to getting Paulinus out of Erebus?”

“Yes,” Esha said. “I think it is supposed to be an equal exchange. One soul imprisoned so that another can escape. And because you’re the one who put him in Erebus in the first place, your soul is the only one that can get him out. If any soul would work, then he’d have escaped long ago. Hell, most folks in there would be out.”

“So what is Diana supposed to do about it? She has no magic, no way to get to Erebus to kill him. All she can do is look in with Esha’s help,” Cadan said.

“Don’t talk about me like I’m not here! I’m not helpless. And I’m sick of you deciding for me.” Her cheeks flushed red. “I killed him the first time—I can do it again if I have to. Which apparently I do.”

“Nay.” It was all Cadan said, but she jerked as if she’d been slapped, then turned to glare at him. He was getting her out of here, and they were going to talk.

“
No
?” She asked, her voice vibrating with rage. “You dare to tell me no? You have no say over what I do! I know better than to trust you after what you’ve done.”

“What
I’ve
done?” He was at her side in a second, grasping her arms once again and staring down at her fiercely. She matched his gaze, the dead look in her eyes drowned by rage. “What about you? You’re the one who left!”

He could hear Esha and Warren talking, but through the buzzing in his head couldn’t make out their words.

“
Lef—”
Diana started to yell back at him, but before she could finish, Esha and her damned feline were at their side. Without warning, she sucked Cadan and Diana through the aether and within seconds. they were standing in his flat in Edinburgh’s Old Town.

“You two have something to work out before we can get any further. Call me when you’re done.” She disappeared.

They stood, breathing heavily, still clasped together.

“Why, Cadan? Why did you lock me away? Why did you take my choice?” She gazed up at him, the questions hanging between them.

“I couldn’t lose you.” Pain hollowed out Cadan’s voice, as if something vital had been carved free of his soul. “I’d lost too many. Was unable to protect too many.”

It dawned on her then.
His family.
When the Romans had taken his village, they’d killed many of the Trinovantes and expelled the rest from their homes. She’d known the loss of his sisters and mother in the initial attack had affected him, but she’d had no idea how much. He’d carried that burden with him, blamed
himself,
though he’d barely been out of childhood when they’d attacked. As Boudica, she’d been too filled with her own pain to ask about his, to even wonder. Had that wound been festering all this time?

“
You couldn’t have protected them, Cadan. You were a boy. The Romans were an army with the support of the greatest empire on earth. You were lucky to survive when they burned your village.”

“It
was
my fault. It was my responsibility to protect them.”

“Not yours alone, and their deaths aren’t on your shoulders.”

“Yours is.” His voice was bleak, his eyes dark with pain.

“No!” She wanted to stamp her foot. How could he not
get
this? “It’s not. That’s what you don’t understand. It wasn’t your job to protect me above all else. We were to look out for each other in battle, yes, as soldiers do.”

“You were my woman. The woman I loved. The only person left alive who meant anything to me. When our homes were burned, our people killed, you were all that was left.”

Oh God.
What was she supposed to do? Her anger was just, his sins unjustifiable. But what could she do in the face of such pain? Continue to kick a man who’d committed his sin out of love? Because she had escaped his trap and fought in the final battle, his actions hadn’t had long-ranging consequences other than killing Boudica’s trust in him.

“And then you left me.” His voice had the jagged edges of pain. “Without a word, without a good-bye, you plunged that dagger into your heart.”

The sight of him standing tall and strong across from her made her feel like a piece of glass had just carved its way into her heart, not unlike the blade from so long ago.

“I missed,” she said, recalling the pain of dying slowly, with the blade piercing her lung instead of her heart.

“Aye. If you hadn’t, I’d never have come upon you while you were still alive. I’d lost so many. You, and vengeance, were what I’d lived for. And you, the woman I loved and the only good thing remaining on earth, left without a word. Would have snuck off into death.”

“What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t trust you to let me do the right thing—you’d have taken that choice from me as you’d done the previous night. Tied me up, thrown me over your horse, and taken me away to hide.”

His jaw tightened; she could see in his eyes that it was true.

“I was not just the woman you loved. I was a warrior, the leader of a lost people. We’d been crushed in that last battle—the Romans even slaughtered the women who made up the last line of defense. They’d have come for me, taken me to Rome to be slowly executed as an example of our so-called barbarism, or worse, ransomed back to the Iceni.”

Her tribe would have paid a price they could ill afford, and they’d already suffered so much. She hadn’t wanted to fight anymore. “I couldn’t be either of those things. You’d have done the same if you had been in my position. Why shouldn’t I have had that right?”

“We could have fled. Gone north.”

She could admit that now, as Diana, she might have run with him. Run with the man she loved when the battle was lost, and hidden for the rest of their lives. But not Boudica.

“That’s what you don’t understand, Cadan. Boudica would never have done that. After the death of her daughters and the theft of her land, she saw no future for herself. Not even with you.”

“What?” He took a step back.

“She—no, I mean,
I
cared for you.” It was becoming harder to speak as Boudica once she realized that their choices might have been different. “But she didn’t have her whole heart to give and what she had wasn’t enough to change her path. Paulinus took that when he took her daughters, when he took her home. When she picked up her sword in vengeance, she never planned to lay it down. There would be no life for her if she failed to expel the Romans from her land. She knew that she stood for her people, was a symbol for her cause. And her warriors were dead.” She could remember them, as she knew he could, too, their bodies scattered across the fields in all directions.

“Had she fled, the people in the villages would have known. The last armies would have known that their chosen leader, the one who had sent them in to die in a near hopeless battle, had abandoned her honor and fled. Fleeing was never an option and there was no life that she wanted to flee to.”

He said nothing, just stood strong and still in the middle of the room, and she watched as he tried to process what she’d told him.
The woman you loved didn’t love you back in the same way. Couldn’t love you back in the same way.

She could see everything more clearly now that she remembered who she was. It was as if a fog had cleared from her mind. She felt more herself than ever. Boudica’s memories gave her context for her own life, for the things she’d felt and missed and hadn’t understood. They were clearer now; her whole life was clearer.

The feelings she’d had for Cadan—the mixed-up mess of attraction, mistrust, affection, hate, love, curiosity—had all begun to make sense when she regained her memories. She knew him now; knew his past and why he’d done the things he had.