Secret for a Nightingale (14 page)

I felt very uneasy and was almost on the point of telling my father of that nightmare experience when Aubrey had come home after the attack.

He had been to see the Freelings. I had found the purse in his pocket that purse for which the robbers were supposed to have attacked him.

Strange thoughts came into my mind vague, disturbing.

Perhaps if I had not been pregnant I should have considered them more closely; but a pregnant woman can be obsessed by only one thing: her coming baby. And I was certainly obsessed.

I made many purchases. My father insisted that I take either Jane or Polly with me when I went shopping. They were Londoners, he reminded me; and they had the Londoner’s shrewdness and knowledge of the dangers which could befall newcomers to the big city.

I quite enjoyed the company of both the girls and I had a good time getting together my layette.

I returned to Minster St. Clare refreshed. Only occasionally did I remember what I had heard of the Freelings and reminded myself of that terrible night. I suppose I did not want to probe, which was unlike me. Normally I should not have rested until I had unravelled the strange coincidence of Aubrey’s behaving so oddly after he had seen the Freelings who had been forced to leave India. But my thoughts were continually with the coming baby; and as Aubrey behaved impeccably as the devoted husband and the delighted faiher-to-be, it was easy to send all unpleasant thoughts to the back of my mind.

Aubrey was away from the Minster for most of the day and

I really saw little of him. I had taken to retiring early, for I was very tired at the end of the day and was often asleep by the time he came to bed.

Amelia came back from her visit to her cousins the St. Clares, || looking a great deal better.

“They were so kind to me,” she said.

“I always liked them. They used to visit us quite a lot. Stephen was fond of them.”

Later she said: “Susanna, I think I shall move from here. After all, there is no real place for me at the Minster now.”

“My dear Amelia, this is your home. What do you mean?”

“Only when I married Stephen did it become my home. Now he is dead and there is a new master and mistress of the house. You see what I mean.”

“No,” I said firmly.

“This is your home and always will be as long as you want it.”

“I know you say that sincerely, and when I go away I shall miss you.

We got on well from the beginning, didn’t we? It is just that I feel I could be happier . right away. There are too many memories here.

Stephen . all the children I’ve lost. I feel I should be wise to start afresh. “

“But where would you go?”

“I’m coming to that. There’s a little cottage in Somerset… very close to Jack and Dorothy. I had a look at it. The lady who owns it is joining her son and his wife in a few months’ time. She is going to live somewhere in the North, and she wants to sell it. Well, Susanna, I have offered to buy it.”

“Oh, Amelia, how I shall miss you!”

“You can come and stay. You and the child …”

A feeling of apprehension descended on me. I had not realized until that moment how very much I had missed her and had been looking forward to her return.

“Oh Susanna … I didn’t think you would mind so much!”

“I look on you as my friend.”

“I am and shall still be. It’s not so very far. We’ll write and visit.

Anyone would think I was going to the ends of the earth. “

“I liked to think of you … in the house.”

She smiled at me.

“I shall be here until the baby is born,” she said.

“I’ve promised myself that.”

“You shall be godmother.” She nodded. I think she was too moved to speak.

The months passed serenely. The first three were the most uncomfortable, I think. I felt queasy so often and spent much of those days in my bedroom.

Aubrey was self-effacing and I saw little of him, which pleased me. I fancied he found illness rather distasteful and I was glad to be left alone. I did not want to think of that vague connection between him and the Freelings. I believed that unpleasant thoughts might harm the baby.

Amelia was often with me. We sewed together and talked;

we went for little walks in the gardens and she was always watchful that I should not be overtired. She was wonderful, taking a great delight in my condition, which was very noble of her, considering her own bitter disappointment.

By Christmas-time I was getting bulky and very easily tired.

Amelia took over what little entertaining we did. There was not a great deal as we were still in mourning for Stephen; but with a house such as the Minster there were certain obligations to the neighbourhood. It was a useful experience for me to see what must be done and to have an excuse for not taking a too active part in it.

Amelia had made another trip to Somerset and how I missed her!

I was hoping she would return and say that something had happened to prevent her taking the cottage, which was wrong of me, for I knew she wanted to get away and make a new life for herself.

However, everything seemed to be going according to her plans; the owner of the house was making arrangements for her departure and by May of the new year Amelia believed she would be gone.

When we were alone Aubrey said it was for the best. He knew that Amelia and I were good friends but it was not wise

to have two mistresses in the same house. I accepted it now because I was hors de combat.

“But wait until you are fighting fit,” he said.

“There could be little disagreements.

“I am the |j mistress here,” type of thing. I know you women. “

“It would not have been like that at all. If you think so, you don’t know me and you don’t know Amelia.”

“I know you very well, my love,” he said, smiling.

The thought came to me then: But how much do I know you, Aubrey?

The long-awaited time was coming nearer.

March blustered its way through the days in traditional fashion, coming in like a lion and going out like a lamb. April was the month of showers and flowers, so it was said. If was the month I had been waiting for ever since I knew how blessed I was to be.

Aubrey said: “I’m going to send for Nanny Benson.”

“Is that your old nanny?”

“Yes.”

“She must be very old.”

“Old … but not too old.”

“I think perhaps we should choose someone younger.”

“Good Lord no! The heavens would fall if there was a baby at the Minster and Nanny Benson not in charge.”

“I will see her, then.”

He laughed.

“You’ll not only see her, my darling, you’ll engage her.

She looked after Stephen and me and she always said she would come back and look after our children. “

“How old was she when she looked after you?”

“Quite young … as nannies go. Thirty-five perhaps … when she left us.”

“Well, she must be at least sixty now.”

“She’s perennially young.”

“How long is it since you’ve seen her?”

“About a year or so. She comes to see us now and then. She was very upset about Stephen, although I believe I was always her favourite.”

I was not very pleased at the idea, but I thought that as Aubrey was so

fond of his old nanny, it might be a good idea to have her. She had evidently been devoted to the family.

I talked to Amelia about her.

“Oh yes, Nanny Benson,” she said.

“She used to visit us now and then. Stephen thought that I should have her when …”

I said quickly: “She is an old retainer. I know how important they are in families like this.”

And I left it at that.

Nanny Benson arrived a week before the birth. My fears receded, for she was so much the typical nanny. If she was sixty she did not look so old.

She was garrulous and immediately looked on me as one of her charges.

She told me, in detail, anecdotes from the childhood of her boys, Aubrey and Stephen.

I thought her methods might be a little old-fashioned, but as Aubrey was so insistent that she should be in the nursery, I thought we might have a younger woman as well who should be of my choosing. But I did not want to be too much encumbered by a nursery staff. I intended to do a great deal of the looking after of my baby myself.

Th-n the day came. My pains started in the early morning and before nightfall I was delivered of a fine healthy boy.

I had never been so happy as when I lay back exhausted in my bed and they put my son in my arms.

He might look like an old gentleman of ninety with a red and wrinkled face, but to me he was the most beautiful thing on Earth.

From that moment he was my life.

The weeks which followed were completely given to him. I could not bear him to be out of my sight. I wanted to do everything for him. I knew now what it was to love another person wholeheartedly. When he cried I was in an agony of fear that something might be wrong with him; when he crowed to show he was content, I was blissfully happy. As soon as I awoke in the morning I would go to his cradle to assure myself that he was still alive. When I fancied he knew me, I was ecstatically happy.

He was to be called Julian. It was a name which had been used quite frequently in the St. Clare family.

Aubrey said: “One day, all this will be his. So it is as well to |;

make a proper St. Clare of him. ” || Aubrey was proud to have a son and heir, but apart from that, he did not show any particular interest in the boy. When I put him into his arms, he held him gingerly and Julian expressed his disapproval by screaming lustily until I took him, when he gurgled with contentment at the change.

Amelia planned to leave after the christening. I felt very sad about that, but I could not think about anything very much which did not concern my child.

The christening took place at the end of May. Little Julian behaved well and looked splendid in the St. Clare christening robes which Nanny Benson knew all about and which had been laundered under her eyes.

She had settled in very cosily.

“Into my old room,” she said. There she had a spirit lamp on which she constantly made cups of tea. She had quite an addiction to tea; and I knew that on occasions she laced it with whisky.

“Just a little bit of old Scotland,” she called it.

“Nothing like it to put a bit of life into you.”

She was quite easy to get along with because she did not interfere too much. I think she liked her comforts and no doubt was too old to want to take on the entire charge of a new baby, but she was so delighted to be back in the St. Clare nursery that I had not the heart to say her presence was not necessary besides, I really did not want anyone else to be with my baby. I wanted him all to myself!

I hardly noticed how little I saw of Aubrey. Often he went visiting friends and spent a few days away from the Minster. I did not miss him. My life was tuned to that of my son.

The time came for Amelia’s departure.

The night before she went she came to my room to say her last farewell, for neither of us wanted an emotional leave-taking in the morning.

It was late afternoon. Julian was asleep and so, I suspected, was

Nanny Benson. She often dozed in the afternoon after partaking of tea augmented by ‘a little bit of old Scotland’.

“I shall be off fairly early in the morning,” said Amelia.

“I am going to miss you so much.”

“You’ll be all right. You have the boy … and Aubrey.”

“Yes.”

There was a silence and then she said: “I have been wanting to say something for a long time. I don’t know whether I should. It’s been worrying me quite a bit. Perhaps I shouldn’t … but somehow I think I ought.”

“What is it, Amelia?”

“It’s about… Aubrey.”

“Yes?”

She bit her lips.

“At times … Stephen was very worried about him.

There had been . trouble. “

My heart began to beat fast.

“Trouble? What trouble?”

“He was sometimes difficult. Well, not on the surface. He was very charming, really. It was just … Well, he became involved with some odd people. They did strange things.”

“What strange things?”

“I believe they lived rather wildly. He was sent down from the university. It may have been that he got into the habit there, Stephen had difficulty in hushing it up. Then he went abroad. I just think you ought to know. But perhaps you shouldn’t. That is how it has been going on in my mind. I’ve been turning it over and over, asking myself whether I should tell you or not. But I think it is better to be prepared.”

“Yes,” I said, ‘it is better to be prepared. Do you mean that he experimented in taking drugs? “

She looked at me in surprise. She did not reply for a moment but I knew that was what she did mean.

She avoided my eyes.

“People who do, can act very strangely when they are under the influence of them. Of course it was all long ago.

Perhaps it is over now. There was that man. I always thought he was to blame in some way. He was here once or twice. Stephen thought the world of him. He was a doctor . an authority on drugs. He had done all sorts of odd things . going native and all that. He has written about it . so frankly. I always felt a little afraid of him.

I suppose it in

was because of what I had read. I wondered if it was through him that Aubrey had begun to experiment. Stephen always insisted that the doctor’s interest in drugs was to be able to use them for the good of mankind and that it was small-minded to regard other civilizations as backward because they differed from our own. In some ways they could be more advanced. Stephen and I almost quarrelled about the man.

“Damien sounds like Demon,” I said. And I thought of him as the Demon Doctor. Stephen said I was ridiculously prejudiced. Oh dear, perhaps I should not have spoken. Something just made me. I thought you ought to know. I - er think you should be watchful of Aubrey . and if ever that Dr. Damien should come here . be on your guard. “

She was looking at me fearfully and I said: “You did right to tell me.