Secret for a Nightingale (13 page)

Funerals are depressing occasions. The tolling of the bells is so dismal. The gathering of the mourners in the great hall afterwards seemed to go on far too long, and I was glad when they departed.

I stood at the door with Amelia bidding them goodbye. It was the first time many of them had met me and I am sure Amelia’s obvious affection for me made them warm towards me.

Jack St. Clare and his sister embraced Amelia tenderly and said that later she must go and stay with them for a while. She said she would.

Afterwards Aubrey discussed them with me.

“Both Jack and Dorothy spent a good deal of their childhood at the Minster,” he said.

“They have a proprietary feeling

towards it and a little chagrin, I think. Jack would have liked it.

And the fact that he had a chance of getting it, rankles. “

“I thought he seemed very fond of Amelia.”

“He always was. Well, she’s a widow now … and he’s a widower.”

“It is rather soon for matchmaking.”

“Of course, you are always so proper.”

I was startled. It was like an echo from that night.

But he was smiling at me tenderly and he put an arm round me and kissed my forehead.

I had to forget. It had been a momentary aberration due to a blow on the head.

It was not long after that when I discovered that I was pregnant. It must have happened during our honeymoon in Venice. I was overjoyed.

More than anything, this could wipe from my memory the horror of what had happened on that night. I could become so absorbed that I would have no time for brooding on frightening possibilities. A child of my own! I was thrilled and delighted.

Shortly afterwards my expectations were confirmed.

Aubrey was delighted. But almost immediately he said:

“Ours won’t be the heir to the Minster because of this child Amelia’s carrying.”

“Two babies in the household. Won’t that be wonderful!”

Amelia agreed with me and we became closer than ever. We spent long hours together talking constantly of babies. She was taking special care of herself, determined that this pregnancy was not going to end in miscarriage. The doctor told her she must take a little exercise but not too much. She must rest every afternoon.

She used to lie on her bed and I would sit with her and we would talk about the time when our babies came.

The nurseries were being refurbished. We discussed layettes and trimmings for the cots two of them now.

This was just what Amelia needed to carry her over the loss of Stephen.

I was so happy for her and for myself. She liked to be with me more than anyone, for naturally I could understand and share her exhilaration.

I shall never forget that day.

In the morning we had all breakfasted together Aubrey, Amelia and myself. I was beginning to feel a little queasy in the mornings.

Amelia was very sympathetic. She said she had passed out of that stage.

She said the doctor wished to see her and she was going in to his surgery that morning. She was going to walk in and tell them at the stables to send the carriage to bring her back.

“I’ll take you in,” said Aubrey.

“Thank you,” said Amelia, ‘but I want the exercise. I’ll be just right for the walk in as long as they bring me back. Are you feeling all right, Susanna? “

“I feel a little sick.”

“Go and lie down. It will pass.”

Aubrey came up to our room with me. He looked anxious.

“Don’t fuss,” I said.

“It’s normal.”

I lay down and felt better immediately. I read one of the fascinating books which Stephen had given me and the morning slipped away. It must have been about midday when they brought Amelia home.

I heard the commotion and going to the window saw the doctor’s carriage and Amelia being brought into the house on a stretcher.

I dashed downstairs.

“There’s been an accident,” said the doctor.

“Let’s get Mrs. St. Clare into the house at once.”

“An accident …”

“Your husband’s all right. He’s bringing his carriage back, so you see there is not much damage there.”

I was bewildered. I wanted to ask what had happened but the first thing to do was attend to Amelia.

She half smiled at me and I was thankful that she was alive.

I turned fearfully to the doctor.

“She’s not badly hurt,” he said.

Amelia’s expression was full of fear and I knew why. She was thinking of her baby.

“She should rest now,” said the doctor.

“I’ll wait and see your husband. He insisted on bringing the carriage back himself.”

“I don’t understand …” I began.

Aubrey was driving his mulberry-coloured carriage up the drive. I ran out to him.

“I’m all right,” he said.

“Nothing to worry about. We had a spill, that’s all. The greys suddenly took fright and ran amok. I could handle them, though.”

“Amelia …”

“She’ll be all right. It was nothing, really …”

“But… in her condition.”

“This sort of thing’s happened before. It could have been a nasty accident, but I prevented that. They’ll have to do some work on the carriage. We went right over. The side is badly scraped and the paint is scratched.”

“The carriage is not important,” I said sharply.

“It is Amelia.” Again I was reminded of that night. It was the expression in his eyes.

“I thought one of the grooms was going to take the trap to meet her after she had seen the doctor.”

“Yes, that was arranged. Then I said I would take the carriage and pick her up.”

“Oh!” I said blankly.

“Don’t look so worried. It’s all right. It was nothing, really. Just a little spill. We soon got the carriage up again, and I calmed down the greys.”

He was wrong.

Amelia lost her baby.

I sat beside her. There was little I could do to console her. She just lay there not caring whether she lived or died.

She said: “I expected one of them to bring the pony trap. I should never have got into that carriage.”

“Aubrey is a very skilful driver. I think he prevented a worse accident.”

“There could not have been a worse accident. I have lost my baby.”

“Oh Amelia … my dear Amelia … how can I comfort you?”

“There is no comfort.”

“Except that I feel for you, that I understand completely. No one could understand more.”

“I know. But nothing can help. It is the end of all my hopes. I have lost Stephen. I have lost my baby. There is nothing left for me.”

I just sat beside her in silence.

When I was alone with Aubrey he could not conceal his feelings.

“Think what this means to us.”

I looked at him in horror.

“How can you talk like that? Do you realize what Amelia is suffering?”

“She’ll get over it.”

“Aubrey, she has lost her child. The child meant everything to her.”

“She always lost children. It was to be expected.”

“But for that accident …”

“There would have been something else. The child is dead. It is no longer a menace.”

“A menace?”

“Dearest, don’t be such an innocent. That child was standing between my and your child’s inheritance. Well, that obstacle is removed.”

“I don’t want to think about it like that.”

“There are times when you can be very unworldly, darling.”

“I expect there are, and if this is one of them, then I am glad. I wish with all my heart that this had not happened.”

He took me by the shoulders and shook me, half playfully, but I saw something else in his eyes.

“Of course I’m sorry for Amelia. It’s a blow for the poor girl. But that doesn’t alter the fact that it has made it easier for us. You must see that. Now I can make plans. I don’t think you realize what this place entails. I can no longer be displaced by someone who has not

yet been born. This is what was intended, what I came home for. “

“All the same, when you think of what it means to poor Amelia …”

“She’ll get over it. She’ll probably marry again and have a brood of children, then the loss of this one won’t be so important to her. I know she won’t get over it easily. She wanted this place. Of course she did. But it does seem wrong that when it was St. Clare property for so long, it should go to someone outside the family. After all, she is not a St. Clare … except by marriage. And the child … Well, it is hard to grieve because an unborn child has lost an inheritance simply because it is never going to be in a position to claim it.”

“You seem jubilant.”

Again he shook me with a kind of tender exasperation, and again I felt that shiver of fear. Would this go on? Would I always be watchful, waiting for the man I had seen emerge on that night?

“I am not jubilant, but I am not a hypocrite, and I should be if I told you that I hardly enjoyed seeing my inheritance snatched from under my nose. I would not be telling the truth if I said I was not glad it is coming back to me. I am sorry it had to happen this way, that’s all.”

He was smiling at me gently, but the glitter in his eyes continued to alarm me. And a suspicion had come into my mind. He had gone to pick her up in the town. Why had he not let one of the men go with the trap? He was not all that eager for Amelia’s company. But he had gone himself, and there had been an accident. I remembered how proud he was of his skilful handling of his horses and yet. there had been an accident . when Amelia was driving with him; and he knew, as we all did, that Amelia carried her children precariously and that the doctor had warned her of exerting herself in the slightest way.

No, I thought. I must not allow my thoughts to take that line . just because that night I had seen another side of him. He had had a blow

on his head and he was not himself. on that night. I must not think the worst . if only for my own sake. But how can one prevent thoughts from coming into one’s head?

In less than two weeks Amelia decided to pay a visit to Jack and Dorothy St. Clare in Somerset. She told me that she felt the need to get away and I told her that I understood.

Sometimes I saw her looking rather oddly at Aubrey and I wondered whether the same thought which had come into my mind had occurred to her.

She was glad to get away and I think Aubrey was relieved to see her go. Perhaps I was, too. Her presence was a constant reminder of my suspicions, and I was trying hard to thrust them from my mind, to live normally, even to convince myself that I had imagined a good deal of what had happened on that night.

I did not want anything to intrude on my thoughts of the child I was carrying.

I went up to London to stay for a week with my father. He was delighted to see me and thrilled at the prospect of becoming a grandfather.

I thought he looked a little tired. Polly told me that he worked too hard. He brought papers home and long after she and Jane had retired he was shut up in his study.

I remonstrated with him about this and he replied that his reports and his work had become of great importance to him since he could no longer be active in the field, and a surfeit never hurt those who enjoyed it.

He wanted detailed accounts of everything that was happening. I told him of the pleasant part, but of course I had to mention the loss of Amelia’s baby; and he referred again to the attack on Aubrey in Venice.

“It’s an uneasy city,” he said.

“I don’t think the Austrians will hold on to it much longer. In such conditions violence invariably simmers under the surface. You should have chosen somewhere else for your honeymoon although I’ll admit you would have been hard pressed to find a more romantic spot.”

“By the way,” I said, ‘when I went shopping . “

“To good effect,” he said, glancing at the plaque on the wall, for we were in his study.

“Aubrey had called to see the Freelings - I was not eager to go and it was when he was leaving that he was attacked.”

“The Freelings …” said my father slowly.

“Yes. They happened to be on holiday in Venice. Apparently Captain Freeling had resigned from the army. I thought that was rather strange.”

My father was silent for a few moments, then he said: “Yes, I did hear something. There was some trouble.”

As he continued to hesitate I said impatiently: “Yes? What?”

“Well, it was rather secret, it seems. They didn’t want a fuss and scandal. Bad for the regiment and all that. He was forced to resign.”

“What had he done?”

“There was something about wild parties … taking native drugs and so on. Apparently there was a little community of participants. There was one other officer involved and some residents… not army personnel. So they couldn’t be touched. In any case it was decided it should not be given any publicity … because of the army, you see.

You know how these things get blown up in the press. We should have been hearing that the entire British army was taking drugs and indulging in orgies. “

“What a dreadful thing for Captain Freeling.”

“Secretly I think he was under the influence of his wife, a frivolous and rather silly woman, I always thought. Don’t mention this to anyone. Keep it in the family. These things have a way of seeping out.

Shouldn’t have mentioned it to you, even. But I know I can trust you to keep quiet. “

“Of course you can. What drugs were they? And you say some people were involved … not in the army.”

“Oh yes. There was a little gang of them. It was largely opium, I think. There’s some mysterious fellow, said to be writing a book about drugs or something. Interested in it all for research. He wasn’t there at the time but his name was mentioned.”

“What was his name?”

“Oh … I forget.”

My thoughts had gone back to that conversation with my ayah. What had she said about a man? A devil, she had called him.

“It’s dangerous to dabble in these things,” said my father.

“We couldn’t have one of our men … and someone in a responsible position … not that they are not all in responsible positions .. but these drugs it appears can make people act oddly and when they are under the influence of them they are capable of … just anything.”