S.E.C.R.E.T.: An Erotic Novel

W
aitresses are adept at reading body language. So are wives who’ve lived under the
same roof as angry drunks. And I had been both, a wife for fourteen years and a waitress
for almost four. Part of my job was to know, sometimes even before customers did,
what they wanted. I could do that with my ex, too, anticipate exactly what he wanted
the second he came through the door. And yet whenever I tried to turn that skill on
myself, to anticipate my own needs, I couldn’t.

I hadn’t planned to become a waitress. Does anyone? I got the job at Café Rose after
my ex died. And in the following four years, as I moved from grief to anger to a kind
of numb limbo, I waited. I waited on people, I waited on time, I waited on life. Still,
I actually kind of liked my job. Working in a place like Café Rose, in a city like
New Orleans, you get your regulars, your favorites and a few you try to pawn off on
your co-workers. Dell couldn’t stand serving the local eccentrics because they were
bad tippers.
But I overheard the best stories. So we had a trade-off. I would take the eccentrics
and the musicians if she waited on the students, or anyone with babies and strollers.

My absolute favorites were the couples, this one couple in particular. Strange maybe
to say this, but I’d get butterflies whenever they walked in. The woman was in her
late thirties, beautiful in the way some French women are—glowing skin, short hair,
and yet she had an undeniably feminine air. Her man, the guy she always came in with,
had an open face, with brown hair shaved close to his head. He was tall with a lean,
lithe body, and a little younger than her, I think. Neither the man nor the woman
wore wedding rings, so I wasn’t sure about the exact nature of their relationship.
But whatever it was, it was intimate. They always looked like they’d just come from
having sex or were heading to do just that after a quick lunch.

Every time they sat down, they did this thing where the guy would place his elbows
on the table, opening up his hands to face her. She’d wait a beat, then gently place
her elbows on the table in front of his, and they’d suspend their hands, palms open,
an inch from each other’s, as though there was a gentle force preventing them from
touching—just for a second, before it got cheesy or was noticeable to anyone but me.
Then their fingers would interlock. He would kiss the tips of her fingers, now framed
by the backs of his hands, one after the other. Always left to right. She would smile.
All this happened quickly, so quickly, before they’d separate their hands and scan
the menu. Watching
them, or trying to watch without seeming to watch, triggered a deep, familiar longing
in me. I could feel what she felt, as though it was his hand caressing mine, or my
forearm, my wrist.

The life I’d lived held no such longings. Tenderness wasn’t familiar to me. Nor urgency.
My ex-husband, Scott, could be kind and generous when he was sober, but towards the
end, when his drinking had him by the throat, he was anything but. After he died,
I cried for all the pain he had been in and all the pain he had caused, but I didn’t
miss him. Not even a little. Something atrophied in me, then died, and soon five years
had passed since I’d had sex. Five Years. I often thought of this accidental celibacy
like it was a skinny old dog, left with no choice but to follow me. Five Years came
with me everywhere, tongue lolling, trotting on its toes. When I tried on clothes,
Five Years lay panting on the floor of the change room, its gleaming eyes ridiculing
my attempt to look prettier in a new dress. Five Years also parked itself beneath
every table of every tepid date I went on, slumped at my feet.

None of the dates I’d been on had led me to a relationship of any value. At thirty-five,
I’d begun to believe “it” would never happen again. To be wanted, to be craved, the
way this man craved this woman, was like something out of a foreign movie in a language
I’d never learn, with subtitles that were becoming increasingly blurry.

“Third date,” my boss mumbled, startling me. I was standing next to Will behind the
pastry counter, where he
was wiping dishwasher spots off the glasses. He had noticed me noticing the couple.
And I noticed his arms as I always did. He was wearing a plaid shirt, rolled to the
elbows, his forearms muscular and covered with soft sun-bleached hair. Though we were
just friends, every once in a while I was a little shaken by his sexiness, enhanced
by the fact that he was completely oblivious to it.

“Maybe fifth date, don’t you think? Is that how long women wait before they sleep
with a guy they’re dating?”

“I wouldn’t know.”

Will rolled his dark blue eyes at me. He no longer tolerated my whining about my lack
of dates.

“Those two were like that from day one,” I said, glancing back at my couple. “They’re
totally into each other.”

“I give them six months,” Will said.

“Cynic,” I replied, shaking my head.

We often did this, speculated on the imaginary relationship between two customers.
It was our little thing, a way to pass the time.

“Okay, look over there. See that old guy splitting a plate of mussels with that young
woman?” he said, pointing out a different couple, discreetly, with his chin. I craned
my neck, trying not to stare too obviously at an older man with a much younger woman.

“I bet that’s his best friend’s daughter,” Will said, lowering his voice. “She’s finally
graduated and wants to apprentice at his law office. But now that she’s twenty-one,
he’s going to put the moves on her.”

“Ew. What if she’s just his daughter?”

Will shrugged.

I scanned the room, surprisingly busy for a Tuesday afternoon. I pointed out yet another
couple, in the corner just finishing their meal. “Now, see those two?”

“Yeah.”

“I think they’re just about to break up,” I said. Will gave me a look like I was going
too far into fantasyland. “There’s almost no eye contact at all between them, and
he was the only one to order a dessert. I brought him two spoons, but he didn’t even
offer her a bite. Bad sign.”

“Always a bad sign. A man should
always
share his dessert,” he said, winking. I had to smile. “Hey, can you finish polishing
the glasses? I have to pick up Tracina. Her car broke down again.”

Tracina was the night waitress Will had been dating for a little over a year, after
asking me out didn’t get him anywhere. I was initially flattered by his interest in
me, but I was in no position to act on it. I needed a friend more than I needed to
be dating my boss. Plus, we eventually crossed so deep into the friend zone that despite
my attraction, it was less of a struggle to keep things platonic … except for the
odd time that I’d catch him working late in the back office, the top button of his
shirt undone, his sleeves rolled up, running his fingers through his thick, salt-and-pepper
hair. But I could shake the feeling off.

Then he started dating Tracina. I once accused him of hiring her just so he could
take her out.

“So what if I did? It’s one of the few perks of being the boss,” he said.

After I finished polishing the glasses, I printed up my couple’s bill and made my
way slowly to their table. That’s when I noticed the woman’s bracelet for the first
time, a thick gold chain festooned with small gold charms.

It was so unusual, a pale yellow with a matte finish. The charms had Roman numerals
on them on one side and words, which I couldn’t quite read, on the other. There were
about a dozen charms on the chain. The man seemed captivated by this piece of jewelry,
too. He ran his fingers through the charms as he caressed her wrist and forearm with
both hands. His touch was firm, possessive in a way that caught me in the throat and
caused the area behind my belly button to warm up.
Five Years
.