Second Chances (12 page)

W
HEN
I got home, Brian was propped up in the bed reading a magazine. He loved reading about sports cars and mechanical shit like that. I knew how to put gas in a car, and could usually find the dipstick to check the oil in an emergency. But that was what was good about us; we both had different interests and didn’t mind that the other wasn’t so much into them.

“How was your night?” he asked, patting the bed beside him.

I pulled off my clothes and put on a pair of sleep pants. I could never manage to sleep in the nude. In the back of my mind, I was always afraid the house would catch on fire and I’d be running around outside bare-assed. I’d actually had a dream like that one time when I was a teenager, and it still scared the crap out of me.

“It was pretty good. I took Antonio out to The Colonnade, then to see that new Hugh Jackman movie. We sat and talked for a while afterwards. Got a good massage and then home to you,” I told him. “How was your night?”

“Not bad. I took a nap, watched some TV, and talked to your sister on the phone. They’re all good, just checking in. She said to call her this weekend.”

I crawled into bed and bunched my pillows up against the headboard next to him. I rested my head on his shoulder and sighed. It was good to be home and in the bed. I could relax and think over what happened earlier.

“You going to tell me what’s on your mind, or do we have to play twenty questions?” he asked. I never knew how he knew when something was bothering me, because I know I didn’t show it. “You always sigh and all that shit when you have something you’re thinking hard about. You know I’ll listen and help if I can.”

I breathed out a sigh and caught myself. Shit, I
did
do that. “That’s just creepy that you can do that. Something happened tonight and I don’t know what to make of it.”

“Um hum. And what was that something?” he asked and put his magazine down. He pulled my head down from his shoulder and into his lap. “Mmmm, you got a massage again. I love the smell of that almond oil he uses. So good. Makes me think of cookies.” He laughed.

“Antonio kissed me,” I blurted. Jesus, where did that come from? I’d planned to ease into this conversation, and here I practically shouted it at him.

“Is that all?” he asked while he stroked my hair.

I was fucking stunned and didn’t know what the hell to say now. “What do you mean,
Is that all
?” I choked out. “Isn’t that enough?”

“Okay, I’ll play along here. Did you ask him to?” he sighed.

“No, of course not,” I huffed.

“Did you kiss him back?” That one stopped me. Because I didn’t. At first. But then I kinda sorta did. “And was that all that happened?” he asked. Shit, I’d said all of that out loud.

“Of course it is! I’d never cheat on you, you know that.” I did shout that time.

“Hush. I know you wouldn’t. I’m the one who did that. And you forgave me. Best day of my life,” he said as he leaned over and kissed my ear.

“Brian, that’s not what I meant—”

“Shh. I know that. But nothing bad happened, did it? All you did was give each other massages and then come home, right?”

I jerked my head up, and he fucking
laughed
at me. “Mark, you only get that much oil on your hands by massaging somebody or jacking off. And I know you weren’t using it to jack off.” He snorted. “I trust you. You would’ve told me if anything was going on. I know you.”

My heart was just so full of love for this fucking man. How did I ever think I would live without him? How could I? I laid my head back in his lap and thought for a minute. Then I told him what happened. All of it. Including when I hugged and kissed him on the cheek before I left.

“He loves you,” Brian said.

“Well, yeah, I love him too. He’s my best friend. After you,” I told him.

“No, Mark. He
loves
you. He’s in love with you.” He looked at me with amusement and pity.

“No fucking way. He’s straight. This was just an experiment. Trust me, he’ll be back to talking about pussy and girl toes and all that shit tomorrow and everything’ll be back to normal,” I said. I was certain of it. Antonio wasn’t in love with me. He was straight. He had a son. He slept with women.

And I was with Brian and that wasn’t going to change. So no, he wasn’t in love with me. Brian just stroked my hair and we both lay there.

A
BOUT
two weeks later, I’d committed to go on an outing with a group of the kids at work. Because the weather was nice, some of the staff members were taking a picnic lunch to Piedmont Park, and I’d volunteered to come and bring my dogs. Since it was a weekend, Brian was coming with me. He really liked to help with the kids when there was an opportunity.

I’d also invited Antonio and Jason. In all the time I’d known Antonio, this was the first time the three, or really four, of us had spent any time together. Ever. Brian and I bundled the two dogs up and put their pink and purple collars on them. They also had matching bandanas, but they were gay enough with the collars and rainbow leashes. Their names were Lucy and Ricky.

Antonio and Jason were meeting us there, and I was looking forward to the day. But I was a little nervous too. Brian loved kids and I knew he and Jason would be fast friends. Anybody Jason liked, Antonio liked. It was just I really, really wanted them all to be friends.

Robbie was one of the residents that would be at the park. Since I met him my first day on the job, he’d decided I was cool enough to talk to. So I made it a point to try to sit and eat lunch with him whenever I made it to the cafeteria. He was forever trying to get me to commit to more outings and more money for them to do things on the weekends.

I’d looked at his admission file and never would’ve known his history from the times I was around him. Both parents were in prison for child abuse and neglect, as well as drug trafficking. He and his sister were committed to foster care, but his sister was taken in by an aunt. There was no room for him at the aunt’s home, and she was quite vocal, evidently, in telling him he wasn’t wanted. So unless he was adopted or taken into a private foster family, he’d stay in a group home until he turned eighteen and aged out of the system.

There was a notation of drug abuse and prostitution in his history. And he was only fourteen now. Prostitution. That broke my heart. This beautiful and funny and alive kid, and he’d suffered all of that in his short life. He got the treatment he needed and deserved now, though.

The staff arrived with the kids shortly after Brian and I got to the park. We set up with blankets on the ground and tossed a Frisbee and let the dogs chase us around some to take the edge off their energy. They were miniature pinschers and thought they ruled the world. And well, they did pretty much.

When Robbie spotted us and caught sight of the dogs, his eyes lit up like it was Christmas. He ran over and flopped down on the ground and the two little beasts attacked him. It was love at first sight. I looked over at Brian and saw the look on his face and my heart melted all over that fucking meadow. Brian would’ve made such a terrific dad, or even older brother.

I hadn’t really shared anything with any of the staff or kids about my sexual orientation, but I did keep pictures of Brian and me on my desk. Everyone was welcome there, and I always believed in an open door policy. I also kept a big bowl of candy on the table in my office to welcome anyone who wanted to come in. And I was pretty popular with staff and kids because of that.

But this was the first time Brian and I’d been
together
together at a work-related function. He volunteered one-on-one, yeah, but that was as an individual. I wasn’t going to fuck him there, and I really wasn’t a fan of PDAs, but I do like to be who I am around other people. In my interview, that obviously wasn’t something they could ask, but I brought it up. I certainly couldn’t work for an agency that wasn’t inclusive or at a minimum tolerant.

As it turned out, the executive director was also gay. His belief was that some of the kids Hope House served were gay and deserved appropriate adult role models of all shapes, sizes, and flavors. It took a village to raise a child, and it took a rainbow of colors to make them feel at home and comfortable.

Robbie rolled around on the grass with Lucy and Ricky, and before long Brian was right there with him. Some of the other kids came over to watch, but none of them joined in right then. They were busy eyeing the Frisbee and the food the staff were setting up.

“Mr. Mark, are these your dogs? I love them. They’re like shrunk-down little Dobermans. Are they babies or will they get any bigger?” Robbie asked.

“These’re miniature pinschers. This is Lucy,” I pointed to my girl in the pink collar, “and Ricky. They’re fully grown. We got them three years ago, so they won’t get any bigger.”

Robbie looked at me, then at the dogs, then at Brian. “You’re the guy in the pictures in Mr. Mark’s office,” he said as he squinted at us.

“Robbie, this is Brian,” I said. He looked at me for a very long moment, then looked over at Brian and made the connection.

“Mr. Mark’s a nice guy. He makes sure we have money to do fun things. And he has lunch with me in the cafeteria. I’m glad you came with him today,” he said.

“Robbie, it’s really good to meet you,” Brian said and stuck out his hand. The three of us chatted for a few minutes, but Lucy and Ricky had other ideas. They nipped and barked at Robbie, sensing an easy mark. He jumped up and started to tease the dogs and took off running in circles with them. God, I hoped he ran their energy out of them and they slept like babies later. Those two loved nothing more than to play and run with kids. They would jump and push my nephews and nieces down and stand on top of them to claim their alpha-hood. Damn beasts.

“He seems like a great kid,” Brian said.

“You have no idea how great. He’s the one I told you about, no family contact and the abuse and stuff. The therapy is doing him good, but he’s still struggling with fitting in. He misses his sister a lot, and for some reason, he just doesn’t seem to be making a lot of friends,” I told him.

“Well, he certainly is a fan of yours,” he laughed.

“Yeah,” I said, as I watched him play with the dogs. God, he really was such a good kid. Any family would be lucky as hell to have him in their lives. I wasn’t stupid, and I knew the challenges he had. He had been pimped out and hooked on drugs, and that made some kids hard and angry. Where some kids sexualized at a young age were manipulative and adultlike, Robbie somehow became socially awkward and younger than his physical age. He didn’t show it often, but he had a tendency to have an explosive temper when he was pushed too hard. He also could lapse into depression when he thought too hard about his life and past. That was why he functioned better at Hope House for now.

But I wanted the best for this boy. Since I started work there, I’d seen kids come and go. Robbie would be there for a long while. And honestly, there was just such a capacity for joy and love that he kept hidden from most people. I was lucky he’d shown it to me.

I looked around and caught sight of Antonio and Jason making their way across the field toward us. I stood up and waved them over, and just like Robbie, when Jason caught sight of the dogs, he ran to jump into the fun. Antonio sauntered over and took a seat on the blanket with us.

“Hey, man, how’re you doing today?” he asked and looked over at Brian, a question on his face.

“Good, how’re you? Antonio, this is Brian. Brian, Antonio,” I said and made the introductions. “And that ball of energy is Jason.”

“It’s really good to finally meet you, Antonio. Mark’s told me all about you guys and what a good friend you are. And he really loves Jason too,” Brian said and nodded toward the boy. Antonio looked at him, then me, and weighed what he saw.

Then he grinned and held his hand out. “It’s real good to meet you too, Brian. Mark talks about you all the time, man, and I’ve been wanting to meet you forever.”

“Same here. I think Mark’s been hiding you all for himself,” he drawled and looked over at me.

“Hey! There’s more than enough of me to go around,” I joked back.

“You sure about that, baby?” Antonio asked, his eyebrows raised. Brian looked at me and I could see it in his face, that little lift of his lips
. Baby?

We all laughed. That seemed to loosen things up. We sat and talked and shot the shit while the boys played with the dogs. Robbie and Jason got along famously and soon came over to sit down shoulder to shoulder on the blanket, each holding a dog. Antonio chatted with Brian and watched the two of us with thoughtful eyes. He kept looking at Brian with something in his face, like he was putting puzzle pieces together.

He talked and laughed and played with Jason and the dogs. And he included Brian in the conversation so things were fine. Comfortable. If it hadn’t been for the rest of the staff and kids, it would’ve felt like a family outing. And wasn’t that a kick in the seat of the pants. And something to think about later.