Second Chances (14 page)

“Then why am I not allowed to do anything or go anywhere?”

“That's not true. We've given you a lot of freedom.”

“And we're always worried about what Dad will think or how he'll react. It's like living with an invalid.” I didn't care that my mother was sitting stock still beside me, her hands clenched in her lap. I couldn't stop my thoughts from spilling out of my mouth. “We walk around like Annie's death never happened and yet it's everywhere. Every time I go to the beach or sit down for dinner or see the empty chair at the dinner table that would have been hers or look at Dad and know how much he blames me for what happened, I think of Annie. I miss her so much. I'd give anything to have her back, but I can't keep living like there's danger around every corner just waiting to get me. It's … suffocating.”

Mom looked at me. Her eyes were shiny. “I had no idea you felt this way. I know it hasn't been easy, but you always seemed even and solid. You were so young when it happened and your father was devastated, completely devastated, but he didn't blame you. We never blamed you. I have no idea where you got that impression.”

“Then why does he act like he blames me?”

Her eyes wouldn't let mine go. “Your father blames himself, Darlene. Only himself, and it broke him in ways even I cannot explain. Annie's death made him fearful and fear has made him angry. I have no other explanation. You and William are our world.
You
are my world.”

She reached her arms around me and I leaned into her. She ran her hand through my hair like she did when I was little, back and forth in gentle strokes. “Maybe sometimes we assume things. We just get wrapped up in our problems and don't notice the impact we have. I'm sorry, Darlene. I should have realized …” She stopped and I listened to her heart beating against my ear, like comfort and home. Her arms loosened. “I have to get some sleep. We'll talk about this more tomorrow when I can think straight. I really am very tired. Are you going to be okay?”

I nodded into her shoulder and then pulled away. “I'm okay, Mom. Just tired too.”

“Then let's both get a good night's sleep and start fresh tomorrow when the sun comes up and our problems don't seem quite so heavy.”

"I
'm
going for a bike ride,” I said to Elizabeth. I didn't expect her to answer.

It was eleven o'clock and already stifling hot. I'd gotten up early to type my article. I'd wandered downstairs when I was done, and Mom had sent me outside to keep Elizabeth company. Elizabeth hadn't even acknowledged my presence. I was getting bored watching her read another paperback. She was lying in the hammock and I was sitting on the grass nearby. I was sure my mother hadn't meant me to stick around my cousin all day. That would have been cruel.

“It's too hot to bike. We could go for a swim later.” Elizabeth glanced up from the Harlequin romance she was reading. The cover had a pirate holding a woman in a low-cut scarlet dress around the waist. She'd borrowed the book from the rack in our store. Her fingers spun a long strand of hair around and around as she read.

“Okay. I'll be back in a few hours, if Mom asks. You and I can go swimming then.”

Elizabeth had barely spoken to me since missing the ride to Toronto. I hadn't minded, but I was okay with returning to our truce. I'd gotten used to having her around, even if she was boy crazy and hard to take most of the time. We'd become bonded by our dysfunctional families in some silent, unexplainable kind of way.

I caught glimpses of the bay as I biked down the road toward Gideon's. The water was sparkling as if somebody had dumped a bucketful of diamonds on the surface. It was hypnotic. I rounded a bend while still staring out over the water, and my bike hit a pothole. The front tire wobbled as if my bike was drunk while I struggled to regain my balance. The handle bars twisted in my hands. I dropped a foot to the ground and managed to stop the bike from hitting the pavement. It banged hard against my leg and scratched the inside of my knee. I licked my finger and wiped off the smear of blood before getting back on my bike and pedalling more slowly towards Gideon's.

I found him sitting on the bench in the back garden, snoozing in the sun. A newspaper had fallen to his lap and the pages ruffled in the breeze. Ruby looked up at me from where she lay at his feet, and her tail thumped hard on the ground. I scratched her behind the ears before I sat next to Gideon. He had his head back and was snoring softly. Ruby stood and nuzzled her nose against his leg until he stirred back to consciousness. It took him a few seconds to focus in on me. He grimaced before his jaw went slack.

“Ah, Little Fin. I was hoping you'd stop by today.”

“I've finished the first draft of the magazine article. I have notes from my interview with Johnny, but I didn't get too much out of him. Are you feeling okay, Gideon?”

Gideon nodded. “Right as rain. I was hoping you'd find those documents Candy was going to give me. Sounds like you didn't find them.”

“No. I didn't have much time to look though.”

I handed him my notebook, opened to the right page, and he quickly read through my notes. I waited impatiently.

“You're right. He didn't give you much.” Gideon lowered his head and read through the material more closely.

“What did you expect Johnny to tell me?”

Gideon straightened up against the back of the bench. His eyes sharpened. “I wanted him to talk more about the war.”

“He said he doesn't like to think about it.”

“I'll bet. Did he say when Candy would be back?”

“No, but I know that she wasn't happy here. She told me she might just leave one day.”

Gideon's eyebrows shot up. He glanced at my face then looked away. “I wouldn't be surprised. She's a flower child all right, not bound by convention or social mores.” Gideon's voice was hoarse. He stopped to breathe between sentences.

“How are you really feeling today? Is your bronchitis really getting better?”

“I'm doing as well as one could ask. I have no complaints. It just takes time.” He gathered the newspapers on his lap and set them on the bench in a neat stack. “Let's go in and I'll have a look at your article and make some tea. Get up there, Ruby girl. Out from under my feet.”

In the kitchen, I set about boiling water in the kettle while Gideon read my article about summers at Cedar Lake. When I finally set a cup next to him, I could see red markings on my pages and I leaned into him. “Not very good?” I asked. I should never have shown it to him.

“Not bad. Not bad,” Gideon muttered. “Just a few structural revisions and it should come together.”

He looked at me over his reading glasses as I walked over to the couch and sipped from my mug. The hot tea scalded the roof of my mouth and I put the cup on the coffee table to cool. “If you don't like my writing, you can change it,” I said. I folded my arms across my chest and stared down at the table.

“It's a decent first attempt. Better than decent. Don't be too hard on yourself.”

“It's just all that red on my page. I worked so hard on every word.”

“And it shows, but you have to allow for editorial input. After all, I have a lot more experience than you and have a few tricks of the trade to impart. Being a good writer means taking criticism and being willing to edit. Editing is key.” He stood up and reached over to pat my hand. “Your work really has potential. You are a good writer. Good beyond your years. Trust me on this one, Little Fin.”

I nodded at his back as he returned to his chair. “Okay,” I said. I sat down too and picked up my cup. I held it to my face and blew on the steam. “You talked to my mother yesterday. She told me all about it.”

“We had a nice drive to Toronto. It was kind of her to take me.”

I smiled.
Mom had gone with Gideon, not Johnny.
I was crazy to doubt her.
“Everything went okay then?”

“Well as could be expected. She wanted to visit her sister.” Gideon sucked in his breath and looked hard at me. His face was an ashy grey. “They're both worried about Elizabeth.”

“Elizabeth?”

“You told me that she came here for the summer to remove her from temptations in Toronto.”

“She seems to be doing okay. I don't think this summer will change her, though.”

“Probably not, but she'll find her way if given time and support.” His eyes studied my face. “Your mother talked quite a bit about your sister Annie. It was the first time she told me about the accident. She said that this summer has had her reliving Annie's loss. She thought it might be because Annie would be the same age as Elizabeth.”

I banged my leg against the coffee table. Tea slopped in a milky stain across the wood.

“Are you okay, Darlene? I didn't mean to upset you.”

“I'm fine.”

Gideon nodded slowly. “I lost my brother too. He was sixteen and at that invincible stage. Wayne was six years older than me and my hero, but his death was not even close to heroic. He was speeding and drove his car into a telephone pole.”

“I'm sorry.” I was thinking how Mom had hidden her sadness from me. She'd talked to Gideon about Annie instead of to me.

“It was a long time ago, but feels like yesterday sometimes. I still picture Wayne like he was then. That's the thing about someone dying young. They never age in your memory. For a long time, I felt guilty about him dying, as if I could have stopped it from happening. You know, there are still times I have to remind myself that it wasn't my fault. You see, deep down I know that if I hadn't asked him for a ride home that day, he wouldn't have been in his car. He was on his way to get me when it happened.”

I looked out the window, away from Gideon's searching eyes.

“But I didn't make my brother drive so fast around that corner. I know now that I had no control over what happened. It took me a long time to forgive myself, but Wayne wouldn't have wanted me to carry it. He wouldn't have wanted that at all.”

I made some kind of noise in my throat then set my cup on the coffee table again. “I promised Elizabeth I'd be back soon. I shouldn't keep her waiting.”

“Okay, Little Fin.” Gideon's voice was gentle. “Come again soon. We need to discuss how we're going to get Johnny to talk about the war.”

“Do you think he will?”

“I'll think about the best way to proceed. All people talk if you're patient enough. Sharing what you're feeling can be hard, but I've found it usually makes a person feel better if they get what's bothering them off their chest. It can put things into perspective and give some peace of mind.”

My mother was in the store, kneeling on the floor stocking shelves with cans of soup. She looked up and smiled at me.

“There you are, Darlene. Perhaps you could get the box of brown beans from the back and start working in the row next to me. For some reason, baked beans are going like hotcakes this summer.”

I looked her over carefully. She had dark circles under her eyes and her hair was damp with sweat. I went to get the beans then kneeled next to her on the floor. We worked silently for a bit, the only sound the cans sliding into place. Finally, she put her hands on the shelf and pushed herself to her feet.

“Well, that ought to do it for now. How about a soft drink? It's one hot day.”

“Okay, Mom.”

I followed her to the cooler and reached in for a Dr. Pepper. We decided to take our drinks to the front steps. Mom rubbed a cold can of root beer across her forehead and sighed.

“I think the summers are getting hotter. It's odd to actually look forward to autumn.”

“Gideon told me that you took him to Toronto yesterday.”

“Uh-huh.”

“We're working on a few stories together. Did you know Johnny was in the Vietnam War?”

Mom lowered the can of root beer to her lap. Her voice came out too light. “I knew that. I thought you weren't going to be hanging around those people.”

“Candy left for Toronto a few days ago too, so I might not get the chance anymore.”

“She strikes me as a free spirit.”

“I think Johnny's getting ready to leave too.”

Mom went very still. “Did he say that to you?”

“No, not exactly.” I thought of Tyler. “Too many people are leaving. I wish it could stay summer at Cedar Lake forever. It would be good if we could stop time. I'd even go back a few years.”

Back before Annie died.

“You have the same wish as everybody else.” Mom stood up and pulled me to my feet. “Go drag Elizabeth away from her silly book and cool off in the lake. I'll start getting supper ready. Your father should be here late afternoon and William tomorrow. We'll have a good weekend together, trying to stay cool in the dog days of summer.” She turned with her foot on the top step, her eyes squinting into the bright sunlight. “Promise me you won't bring up Candy and Johnny to your father. It just upsets him. He doesn't like outsiders, especially ones so different.”

I made a cross over my heart. “Promise,” I said. It was the same promise I'd been making since Annie died. Since they'd taken Dad away to the hospital.

“Maybe your mother should leave your father,” said Elizabeth, squinting through the cigarette smoke as she flicked the ash on the sand between her feet. “She and Johnny would be a better match.”

We were sitting next to each other, staring out across the blue expanse of water that was as still as a sheet of paper. I shivered under my towel. We'd had a swim and the water on my skin was giving me goose bumps, even though the air was scorching. “My mother won't leave,” I said. I wondered how much Elizabeth knew. She must have seen them together and was fishing for dirt.

Elizabeth turned sideways and looked at me. She slapped me lightly on the leg. “You are so naive.” Her laugh tinkled like one of those movie stars in an old Hollywood movie. She opened a bottle of baby oil and started spreading it on her stomach in a slow circular motion. “Johnny and Candy are done. Anybody can see that. Your father is crazy and controlling. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know where this should lead. The two good-looking sane people are going to be attracted to each other. Johnny and your mother, if I have to spell it out for you. What I can't figure is why your sane, good-looking brother is going for his crazy castoff Candy.”

“You're the one who's crazy,” I said.

“Your dad will never let your mom go without a fight. He'll go ballistic when your mother leaves him.”

“She's not going to leave him.”

“I wouldn't be so sure. They married young and she's changed. Your father's trying to keep her on a leash. That's why he gets so angry.”

“Since when did you become a family shrink?”

“Like I said, it doesn't take a genius.”

I stood and glared down at her. “My mother isn't like that. She's not going anywhere, so I'd appreciate it if you stopped talking like an idiot.”

Elizabeth shrugged. She squirted oil onto her leg and let it run down both sides of her thigh onto the towel. “Suit yourself. Don't say I didn't warn you.”

“You're an ass sometimes, you know that, Elizabeth? You haven't got a sweet clue what my family is all about.” I bit my bottom lip to keep myself from bursting into tears, turned and stomped through the hot sand as fast as I could to get away from her, not caring that my feet were burning with every step.

“And you need to wake up and face reality!” Elizabeth yelled.

Her words followed me to the road, like bad karma. When I reached the end of the sand, I turned around to face her and stuck my middle finger in the air. “Take that,” I said, knowing she couldn't hear, even if she hadn't already stretched out on her towel to bake in the sun. “Just go back to Toronto where you belong and leave me and my family alone.”

My father still hadn't arrived when Mom finally called me and Elizabeth to the table. She'd let the potatoes and chicken cook too long and it was an effort to swallow the dried out food while my mother chewed hers without seeming to notice. She kept looking towards the doorway to the shop as if she was expecting my father to walk through any second. Elizabeth didn't even hide scraping most of her meal into the garbage pail, and that worried me more than anything. It wasn't like my mother to let us leave the table without finishing our meal.