Seasons of Sorrow (30 page)

As if they lamented her loss as well, the heavens opened up and a downpour of icy cold rain fell upon their heads. After a few moments of shivering, Charlotte left the flowers she bought for Adam on his grave, as did Greg.

“I love you, Adam. Happy birthday, darling boy.”

Charlotte stepped back and started walking towards her vehicle. She wanted to stay longer, but knew Greg would pick her up and carry her to the car if she waited too long. As much as it irritated her when he got high-handed, there were times it also made her feel cherished. He wanted to take care of her, even if it meant pissing her off.

They got into her car and Charlotte immediately turned on the heater in her seat in an effort to warm up. The visit to Adam’s grave and the knowledge that she was celebrating her son’s first birthday without him made her chest ache with the need to scream and sob.

The pain seemed worse since it was so close on the heels of two of the best weeks of her life. Charlotte sat in silence the entire drive home, her hand limp and cold in Greg’s grasp. He didn’t speak either. Somehow, he seemed to know that, if Charlotte spoke, she would break.

They pulled into her garage and Charlotte immediately went upstairs to change clothes. Since the day was so nasty and bleak and one of the ugliest of her life, she refused to redress. Instead she climbed into a pair of warm flannel pajama pants and Greg’s UT sweatshirt. She put a pair of fluffy, dry socks on her feet and headed downstairs.

Greg was in the kitchen, making a cup of tea. He glanced up when she wandered in and smiled slightly at the sight of his sweatshirt swallowing her smaller frame.

“Why don’t you go sit down in the living room?” he said. “I’ll bring the tea in for you.”

Charlotte nodded and went into the living room. A few minutes later, he brought the steaming mug to her. She thanked him and took a small sip before setting the cup on the coffee table.

Greg sat next to her on the couch and pulled her into his arms. “It’s okay to let go, Charlotte. You’re safe with me.”

At his whispered words, she loosened the desperate grip she held on her emotions and let all the pain, rage, and sorrow out. It seemed the remnants of the day Adam was buried had come full circle. As she had mourned and sobbed in Greg’s arms after the funeral, Charlotte did so again, clinging to the person who loved her the most.

Winter

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.

~Albert Camus~

Chapter Twenty-Six

December, Present Day

C
harlotte tried to smile when she walked into her office the first Monday of December and discovered a small Christmas tree decorated and lit in the corner of the room. She had a sinking suspicion her assistant, Laura, had done it.

It was a sweet gesture but Charlotte didn’t think she was up to celebrating Christmas. Since Adam’s birthday, she had fallen back into the depression that surrounded her earlier in the year. Putting on a happy face felt like a gargantuan undertaking.

Charlotte was struggling to maintain what she was building with Greg. A large part of her wanted to pull away from him, to freeze him out, and wallow in all the pain that still rested in the depths of her soul. It was easier than fighting her way through the despair that clung to her heart like vines.

Greg wouldn’t allow it. He refused to let her push him away with her bad attitude or freeze him out with a cold shoulder. He was always there and, somehow, he understood exactly what she was trying to do. Yet he refused to give up. Even as she reveled in the knowledge that he loved her enough to stick by her, she tried to push him away.

Now, Charlotte was faced with yet another person who refused to let her slide into the abyss of sorrow that yawned before her. Laura, without even meaning to, was pulling her away from the edge. Her office was decorated for Christmas in an elegant and sophisticated manner. There were miniature candy canes on her desk, as well as Laura’s, and a plate of homemade sugar cookies in the break room, also brought by her assistant. It seemed Laura had a sentimental streak.

There was no escaping the holiday this year. At least not while she was at work. A few days before Thanksgiving, Brandy asked Charlotte if she wanted to go shopping for her live Christmas tree the weekend after the holiday. When Charlotte declined, Brandy had been shocked. Every year since their first as college roommates, they shopped for trees together. Even though they each bought their own trees after Charlotte had married Derek, she and Brandy went together every year.

“Charlie, you have to have a tree,” Brandy said.

Charlotte had shaken her head, even though her friend couldn’t see her. “It just doesn’t feel right. Adam isn’t here. This would have been such a wonderful year. He was too young to really enjoy Christmas last year. This year, he probably would have wanted to try to open his own presents and he would be eating his first piece of pumpkin pie.”

Her friend had remained silent on the subject after that, so Charlotte hoped that would be the end of the subject. Unfortunately, even though she was technically Laura’s boss, she didn’t have the heart to make her assistant remove all the decorations after she’d worked so hard to make the office look beautiful. So Charlotte resigned herself to Christmas cheer during the work week. At least Brandon was giving her Christmas Eve to January second in vacation. It was a welcome respite.

Charlotte should have known, however, that Brandy wouldn’t let her off so easily, because when she got home that very same Monday, she found Greg and Brandy in her living room with a good-sized live blue spruce, wrestling it into position near the front window where she usually placed her tree each year.

Ignoring the smell that she had always loved, Charlotte dropped her keys in the dish that rested on the table in the foyer and hung her coat in the coat closet.

“What are you two doing?” she asked.

Brandy started to answer her but clamped her mouth shut after a quick look from Greg. Greg had wiped his hands on the legs of his pants and walked over to her. As she watched him warily, he leaned down and kissed her lightly.

“I bought you a tree,” he said.

“Greg, I told you…” she began, only to be stopped by his finger over her lips.

“I know what you said, Charlie. And I know that you’re struggling. I see it every day in your eyes.” He tilted her head back with his fingers so that she was forced to meet his gaze. “But this is our first Christmas together. I would at least like to decorate a tree. If that’s all we do this year, that’s fine, but it’s a tradition I would like to start from the beginning.” He cleared his throat. “If you’ll recall, we’ve decorated a tree together since the year we met. I would miss it if we didn’t do it this year.”

Charlotte thought about Greg’s words and realized he was right. She and Greg and Brandy always decorated at least one tree together. Sometimes they would each get their own trees and spend a week getting all three of them decorated.

She sighed. Faced with Brandy and Greg, she couldn’t say no. Greg also had a point. It was a tradition amongst the three of them, though usually it was Brandy and her decorating his house, rather than all three of them at hers.

“Okay. Let me change out of my work clothes and get a cup of coffee, then we can start,” she said.

Greg gave her a quick kiss. “How about I make you a cup of hot chocolate while you change?”

That actually sounded good, so Charlotte nodded and headed toward the stairs.

Thirty minutes later, she was in a pair of jeans and a sweater, her hot chocolate consumed, and the tree was almost done. With the three of them hanging ornaments, it didn’t take much time. Though Greg hadn’t hung many. Instead, he built a fire in her fireplace, making the living room seem especially cozy.

Once they finished, Charlotte made everyone a cup of hot chocolate and they sat on the floor in front of the fireplace, soaking up the warmth and the smell of the burning wood. Now that the tree was finished and the lights were lit, Charlotte was glad Brandy and Greg had talked her into setting it up. The pretty ornaments and twinkling lights helped lift her spirits, and they were flagging enough as it was.

After Brandy drank her hot chocolate, she rose to her feet, placing the cup on the coffee table.

“I hate to do a hit and run,” she said, “but my caseload is hell this week. I want to get caught up before Christmas so I can actually enjoy my holiday.”

Charlotte stood too and hugged her friend. “You work too hard,” she said.

For once, instead of defending herself, Brandy responded, “You’re right. I do. I think I’m going to take some time off after the new year.”

Charlotte gaped at her friend, then placed the back of her hand to Brandy’s forehead. “Are you sick or something?”

Brandy smirked and shook her head. “No, just tired. I’ll call you later, okay?” she said.

Charlotte nodded and walked her friend to the door. She waited until Brandy was in her car and on her way before she shut the door. When she turned around, Greg was standing in the center of the living room, his hands in his pockets, looking sheepish.

“What is it?” Charlotte asked.

“I’m sorry I ambushed you with the tree. My parents weren’t big on holiday traditions when I was growing up and this is the only one I really have,” he said.

When he said it like that, Charlotte was happy that he had gotten the tree anyway. Greg’s parents always had been a little aloof and self-centered. She doubted they thought much about Greg when he was a little boy, much less about what might make him happy around the holidays.

She walked over to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. “I’m glad you did.” She pulled back and looked into his eyes. “You’re right. I am struggling. My first instincts are to pull away from you, but that’s not what I really want. I’ve been so depressed since Adam’s birthday and I know that is why I want to push you away.” She squeezed his waist with her arms. “But this helped. Reliving all those good memories with you and Brandy, it reminded me of what’s really important.”

Greg hugged her back, seemingly content just to hold her in his arms.

Charlotte felt the familiar stirring in her abdomen and was suddenly very aware that it had been almost two weeks since she and Greg had made love. Because she had turned inward so much, she hadn’t even realized that they were sleeping beside one another every night, but he never touched her sexually. Now, her body needed him as much as her heart did.

She put her palm to Greg’s cheek. “Speaking of tradition, I think we should start one of our own.”

He raised an eyebrow when she led him to the carpet in front of the fire.

“Will you make love to me by the fire, Greg?” she asked.

Greg studied her, his eyes searching. He must have seen what he needed because he leaned forward and kissed her.

Charlotte felt her heart leap as he cradled her against him as though she were precious and kissed her. Slowly, he pulled her sweatshirt over her head and ran his hands down her sides. Charlotte shivered under the sweet, gentle touch. She began to unbutton his dark grey shirt, caressing each inch of skin as it was revealed.

Still taking his time, Greg moved his mouth down her neck, over her sternum, to her breasts. As he marked the top of her right breast with a small love bite, he unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans and pulled them down. After Charlotte stepped out of them, he placed his palms over her hipbones. His fingers wrapped around her hips and this thumbs pressed together right above her mound. He dragged them down slowly until the pads of his thumbs pressed into her clitoris over the lace of her panties.

Charlotte made a desperate noise as Greg used one thumb to massage her. He stopped a few moments later, after letting her have just a taste of what he intended to give her. He drew the panties down her legs and got to his feet. Greg spread his fingers and used them to trace up the outside of her thighs, over her hips, to her lower back. They moved higher until his fingers closed over the fastening of her bra. He unhooked it and pulled the straps of the undergarment over her shoulders before removing it completely and dropping it on the floor.