Seasons of Her Life (20 page)

Andrew's face drained of color. “Hey, look, Ruby, I've never asked anyone to marry me before. If there are rules and guidelines, I don't know them. You want me to ... act like the guy you
think
I am and rip your clothes off and say all kinds of stupid things, okay. I can pull the car over and do it. The reason I'm acting so ... reserved is because I don't trust myself. I wouldn't ask you to marry me if I didn't love you. I'm asking you to share my life; I'm promising to take care of you for the rest of yours. All that goes with marriage. I know there's going to be as much bad as good, and we'll fight and all that, but I knew when I met you at the YWCA that you were the girl for me. That was two and a half years ago, and here I am. What more do you want?”

Ruby felt the wet prickle of tears against her eyelids. It
sounded
good. But they were words with ... no feeling. Just words. “Okay,” she said quietly.

“Feel better now?” Ruby shook her head, afraid if she spoke he would know how close she was to bawling.

“Listen, I'll try and get back up here in a few weeks, and we'll make all kinds of plans. I'll have more information by then on my transfer. I think we're both overwhelmed right now. And by the way, I don't recall hearing you say you love me, either,” Andrew said peevishly.

Ruby turned his own words around and said, “I wouldn't agree to marry you if I didn't.” It was such a monstrous lie, she almost choked. She would never love anyone again. Never ever.

Andrew looked uneasy. He squeezed Ruby's hand and shouted so loud, Ruby jumped. “We're getting goddamn married! Holy shit!”

Ruby giggled and he grinned, as if he knew it was what she wanted to hear.

Ruby doubled over laughing when Andrew started to sing “From the halls of Montezuma,” the “Marine Hymn.” Ruby joined in, her voice clear and loud, unlike his boisterous off-key singing. Like two schoolchildren caught doing something wrong, they cut off the words as Andrew drew the car to a halt in front of Ruby's apartment.

Andrew was out of the car in a second, rushing around to open the door for Ruby. He bowed low and gallantly, and offered her his arm. Giggling, they raced up the steps to the front porch, where Andrew immediately took her in his arms and kissed her resoundingly. Ruby was breathless when he released her minutes later. Andrew, Ruby saw with delight, was breathing like a long-distance runner.

“You're something, Ruby Connors,” Andrew muttered as he backed away from her. “I ... I'll call or write ... you, ah, you aren't going anywhere in the next few weeks, are you?”

“Uh-uh.” Ruby smiled in the darkness. “It was a nice weekend, Andrew. I guess I'll see you ... whenever you get back.”

“You bet,” Andrew said, backing down the steps. Twice he almost lost his balance, but righted himself at the last second, to Ruby's amusement.

“Good night,” he called softly.

“'Night, Andrew.”

Inside her room with the door closed tightly, Ruby swayed dizzily. She'd just committed herself to marriage to a man she didn't love. She thought about her mother for a moment. If there was a time for a girl to talk to her mother, this was it. If only Nola was here. Right now she'd even settle for Amber. God, she must be nuts.

Ruby's aloneness depressed her. She should have made more of an effort to develop some friendships. She should have gone to more dances, even if she'd had to go alone, but instead she had burrowed in, like a mole.

Ruby had been the exception to most of the girls she knew in Washington. All the girls talked about in the cafeteria was how close they were to nailing some guy at the altar. Now she was just like them: about to get married for all the wrong reasons. She wished she knew what the statistics were for girls who married just for the sake of marrying. How many of those unions survived?

Damn you to hell, Calvin, this is your fault
. Marriage was for a lifetime. Religion forbade a divorce. For better or worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness and health. Ruby whimpered as she dropped to her knees to open her bottom dresser drawer. She'd put the only birthday card she'd received this year in the drawer. From Amber. She'd been surprised until she opened it and realized why bitchy Amber sent it. Inside was a note saying Calvin had been in Saipan and had not asked about her at all. After his visit home, he had been transferred to the Mediterranean. Amber also said she was pregnant and expected to give birth sometime in early December. On a separate slip of paper was a list of things she could use for the baby.

Ruby rocked back and forth on her heels, crying. Amber having a baby. Amber married. It was more than Ruby could bear. “It's not fair. If even Amber can be happy and loved, why can't I? What did I do wrong?” The Mediterranean was on the other side of the world.

Ruby slammed the drawer shut. She wanted to throw the card into the wastebasket, but she didn't. It was the only thing Amber had ever given her. She'd send a present to the baby and sign the card Aunt Ruby. The thought brought a smile to her face. Aunt Ruby Blue, that's how she would sign it. Ruby Blue. Aunt Ruby. She loved the sound of the title.

She tried to sleep but couldn't. Twice she got up to go to the bathroom. When the clock on her dresser read midnight, she was still tossing and turning, and she knew why.

Ruby crawled from her bed and wrapped her housecoat about her trembling body. She was quiet as she tiptoed out to the kitchen and the back door. She was extra quiet as she made her way down the wooden stairs to the backyard. She found her way to the trash can and inched off the lid. The can was empty. Her mementos of Calvin were gone.

Tears streaming down her cheeks, she trudged to the back porch, where she sat down on the steps, barely noticing the chilly night. She cried, hiccoughing and sobbing, wiping her eyes and nose on the sleeve of her housecoat.

What seemed like an eternity later, Ruby heard Rena come up behind her. She cried harder. She hugged her knees to herself.

“Shhh,” Rena crooned as she sat down next to Ruby. “If you want to talk about it, I'm a good listener.”

Ruby told her about Andrew's proposal, her feelings, and the way she'd discarded the mementos of Calvin. She continued to cry. She wanted a mother,
needed
a mother.

“So you still love the young man. One never forgets one's first love. I understand,” Rena said softly. “I think I can help a little. Excuse me, Ruby, I'll be right back.” Minutes later, Rena returned with a small parcel. “I believe this belongs to you. As a rule, I do not go through trash cans, but I saw you that night. You looked so sad, so I said to myself, I should check what it was you were throwing away. Now I am glad I did. You aren't ready to let go of this young man. Tomorrow you must do everything in your power to find him. You cannot marry the marine until there is no more hope. You understand me, Ruby?” Ruby nodded miserably.

“He's on the other side of the world. If I couldn't get to him when he was in California, how will I be able to find him in the Mediterranean?”

“You work for the navy, Ruby. Surely there is someone who can help you. There are records.”

“Every time I love something or someone, it's taken away from me. It happened with Calvin and it happened with Bubba. I
like
Andrew. I can see myself married to him and raising a family. And if I never love him, at least I'll know he won't be taken away from me,” Ruby blubbered.

Recognizing that she was a poor substitute for a mother, Rena said, “Tomorrow morning before you leave for work, I want you to call your mother. Regardless of the differences between you, I'm sure she will have good answers for you. A mother shares with her daughter. Promise me you'll call her,” Rena said quietly.

Ruby nodded glumly. Rena didn't know her mother. It was worth a try, though. She'd agree to anything as long as it wiped away this sick feeling that was engulfing her.

Rena stood up briskly. “Now it is time to go to bed. I am so cold, my teeth are chattering. Come along, Ruby, tomorrow you have a busy day. Hopefully, it will end the way you want it to. Shoo,” she said, waving her hands as though she were chasing pesky chickens.

Ruby clutched the parcel in her hands as she climbed wearily to the second floor. She wasn't going to look at the contents; just having them back in her possession was enough.

As Ruby snuggled down to sleep, she realized she'd resurrected Calvin Santos from the dead.

The following morning Ruby waited until all the girls left before she walked down the hall to the living room. She was going to call her mother. She settled herself on the lemon-colored sofa and looked at the hands on her watch. Her father left for work at seven o'clock. She would wait fifteen minutes, time enough for her mother to clear the breakfast table. Opal would still be upstairs, getting ready for school. The minutes crawled by, the hands on her Timex barely moving. She was trembling violently when she had the operator place the call. The phone rang seven times before her mother picked it up. Ruby had to clear her throat twice before she could get the words out.

“Mom, it's Ruby. I need to talk to you. Please, don't hang up. Just listen. Pop, is gone, so there's no reason you can't talk to me.” But there was. There was Millie, the operator, who was probably listening in. Her mother knew it, too. It was a shitty idea to call. “Mom, I'm getting married. Sometime in December. I wanted you to know. I called to ask you something. I wouldn't have called, but this is very important to me. Did you love Pop when you married him? I feel something for Andrew, but it isn't what I felt for Calvin. Pop ruined that for me. Will what happened to you . . . will that happen to me if I marry Andrew? Mom, say something, please, for God's sake, I'm your daughter, I have no one else to talk to. Look, I know you're afraid ... get out of there, take Opal with you. Uncle John will take care of you ... Mom, are you there? Damn you, I bet you don't even know Amber's going to have a baby. Well, she is, in December. Mom, is it going to kill you if you talk to me? Mom, please, just this once, help me.” When there was no reply she said, “Bubba was right, you are a gutless wonder. I hope I never turn out like you. If I do, I'll kill myself. Good-bye, Mom.” She slammed down the phone.

Not a word. She hadn't said a word other than hello. Perhaps she'd hung up and Ruby had been talking to an empty line.

A sick feeling settled in Ruby's stomach. The feeling was so strong, she clamped her hand over her mouth. What if chatterbox Millie spread the word, and her father found out and beat her mother again? God, Ruby, that was the stupidest thing you ever did. She wanted to cry, to rant and rave, to kick and smash something. She couldn't do any of those things, so she loaded an extra measure of guilt on her shoulders. She felt weighed down by it as she walked to the bus stop.

She was on her own the way she'd always been. She'd make her own decisions, right or wrong, and live with them.
Until death do us part
. Her own personal death sentence, if she went through with her marriage to Andrew.

 

Ruby worked liked a beaver all morning to clear her desk. At eleven o'clock she asked Admiral Query if she could take an extended lunch hour. Forty-five minutes later Ruby was at the Navy Annex, remembering the first day she'd come here with Amber. She wondered if the few people she'd taken the time to know were still there. Government personnel seemed to stay in their jobs till they retired or died. It wasn't a happy thought.

Mabel McIntyre's eyes sparkled when Ruby introduced herself. “Do you remember me, Miss McIntyre?”

The personnel director smiled and nodded. “Very well, Ruby. You don't mind if I call you Ruby, do you?” Her bright eyes took in Ruby's glen plaid suit and tailored white blouse. “I hope you're here to ask for a job.”

“I'm afraid not. I did ... I want to ask a favor of you, Miss McIntyre. If you ... can't or if it's against the ... I don't want to cause a problem, it's just ... this is so important to me, and I didn't . . . I ... I need to locate someone in the air force. Can you help me?” Ruby blurted out, her face changing color and her eyes filling.

Mabel's pink cheeks puffed out, and her springy gray curls seemed to stand at attention. She was heavier, Ruby thought, but she still had the kindest face she'd ever seen. Her eyes, though, bothered Ruby; they were full of pity. She's disappointed in me, Ruby thought in dismay. She watched as the director searched for a pencil.

“Name, rank, and serial number,” she said briskly. Ruby rattled them off.

“This . . . Miss McIntyre, this isn't what you think . . . what I mean is, I don't know what you're thinking, but if I were in your position, I would be thinking ... it's not like that ... I need to get in touch with Lieutenant Santos before I get married.”

“For a prospective bride, you don't look real happy,” Mabel said bluntly.

Ruby nodded. “I guess I'm still in a daze. It just happened ... Andrew proposed last night, and I ... I'm ... I said yes, but . . .”

“You want to be sure. I understand, Ruby. Look, I'll do my best. Is it all right to call you at the office?” Ruby nodded and wrote down the number and extension.

“I should have this information by noon tomorrow. Is that soon enough?”

“That's fine. I won't tell anyone about this,” Ruby said quietly.

“I won't tell anyone, either,” Mabel said softly. “Let's just call it our little secret, okay?”

“Thanks, Miss McIntyre, I really appreciate what you're doing for me. If I can ever do anything for you, just ask.”

“Be happy, Ruby.” Mabel leaned across her desk. “Take a good look at me. I've been in this job so long, I'm part of the furnishings. I'm an old maid waiting to collect my pension. All I have to show for my life is a small apartment in Arlington and two old tomcats. I let the right man get away from me once because I thought ... there was something better around the corner. There wasn't. Go after what you want and don't be afraid. My advice to you, my dear, is to follow your heart, cornball as it sounds.”