Season of Passion (34 page)

I don't know, love. She sighed deeply and lay back on the rug. I don't know what I'd do, really. Run, panic, I don't know. Maybe it won't matter as much now that you know. Of course there's still Tygue. She sighed and then remembered something as she looked across at Nick. Remember that party you took me to in L.A., after I was on Jasper's show?

He nodded. That guy who said something that upset you? He knew? Jesus. No wonder she had freaked.

Not really. He just picked up on my name. Harper. And told me all about a football player named joe or Jim or someone,' who'd gone crazy, and, well ' he knew the story, more or less. He asked if I was related to him, as a big joke. And of course I panicked.

Poor baby. No wonder. Why the hell didn't you change your name after all that, though?

It didn't seem right, because of Tygue. Tygue was his son. He was meant to be Tygue Harper. Changing names seemed such a shoddy thing to do to Tom. Not that he'd have known. I don't know. I just always had such a feeling of loyalty about that.

What about Tygue now though? You can't keep this from him forever. And if someone tells him one day that his father almost killed two men and virtually destroyed himself instead, it'll screw up his whole life. You owe him the truth, Kate. Some kind of truth, at an age where he can begin to digest it. Will he ever see him?

Never. That would be impossible. Tom wouldn't understand, and it would break Tygue's heart. That's not a daddy. That's a strange helpless child in a broken man's body. He doesn't even look well anymore. Tygue would have to be a grown man to be able to withstand it. And why should he? He doesn't know him. It's better that way. And by the time Tygue is old enough to understand, by then She paused and there was a small sobbing sound. She looked up at Nick, but his face was grave and not tearful as he looked at her. What was that? She sat very still. And Nick cocked his head.

Nothing. Why?

I heard ' oh God ' And then she realized. They had both forgotten the car pool bringing Tygue home. The clock behind Nick said five-fifteen. He had been home for half an hour. Long enough to ' and then without thinking, she wheeled around, and saw him standing there, silent, with tears pouring down his face. Tygue. They both moved toward him at the same time, and he darted away down the stairs, his sobs echoing as he shouted back at them, Leave me alone ' leave me alone.'

Is he all right? Nick looked at her somberly as she came out of Tygue's room. It was six-thirty, and it had been a long hour. He had hidden from them in the garden, and had been soaked to the skin when they brought him inside, clutching an equally soaked Willie. Kate had put him in a hot tub while Nick made hot chocolate, and she had sat for a long time in his room. Nick had waited on the stairs.

I think he's okay. It's hard to tell. Anyway, he's asleep. She looked exhausted.

What did you tell him?

The truth. What choice did I have? He had heard most of it already, standing at the door. I don't think he meant to eavesdrop. He says he came upstairs to tell me he was home, and he heard us talking about Tom. She motioned to the open door of their bedroom, and Nick nodded, and followed her inside. They closed the door, and Kate sat down heavily on the bed as Nick handed her a cigarette. She looked more like she needed brandy and a hot bath. All they could think was Tygue.

I stirred up some fucking hornet's nest, pressing you about Tom. It was all he could think of as he waited on the stairs. But she shook her head through the small cloud of gray smoke.

Don't do that to yourself. Painful as it is, I think you've done us all good. I feel relieved. And Tygue will live through it. This way I can tell him the good stuff too. Tom Harper was a. beautiful human being. Tygue has a right to know that, and he can't unless he knows the rest. So now he'll know both. It's a fair trade. She hesitated for a moment and then spoke again, with a sigh. There have been times when I've wondered about the way I've played God. I kept a very important part of himself away from Tygue. I kept him from knowing who and what his father was, I thought that would be easier for him. She sat down slowly and looked very hard at Nick. But there were other reasons too. They couldn't have been bad reasons. Maybe they were. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted him to be totally free of all that. I didn't want him to be ' like Tom. Nick waited for her to go on, without saying a word. I didn't want him to fall in love with the image of Tom Harper, the glory of the albums and the clippings and the adulation. Tom loved all that stuff. What man wouldn't? I think maybe I was always a little bit afraid that Tygue might want it too, maybe even to prove something for Tom. To leave the Harper name clean.' God only knows what crazy ideas might have gone through his head ' I was afraid of all those possibilities. It was just a lot easier the way it was. And then, remembering Nick again, she smiled a tiny smile. But it wasn't right, Nick. It's right that he should know. One day I'll probably even have to tell him about my parents, I let him think the whole world around him had died, except me. But that's not the truth. I suppose everyone has a right to the truth. Nick had had a right to it too. For a moment, she felt as though she had betrayed them all, and she felt a wave of exhaustion sweep over her at the thought. Anyway, darling, things have a way of working out for the best. She held out a hand to Nick, but he didn't take it and he looked suddenly stricken again.

Does Tygue think so? Nick said it bitterly as he looked at her and then out at the Bay. He should have minded his own business.

He's confused. He doesn't know what the hell to think. The only thing he was positive about was that he wanted to see his dad. I told him he couldn't. She sighed again. And right now he hates me for it, but he'll get over it. He has you. She smiled at Nick's back, and then moved toward him and put her arms around his waist

I'm not his father though, Kate.

That doesn't matter. You give him more than most fathers would emotionally and in every other way. And I don't know, Nick. This is our reality. Tom was who he was and he did what he did. For whatever reasons. Maybe it's just time we both faced the truth. It won't kill either of us. So stop looking like somebody died. He turned to face her and tried to smile, but it was not an overwhelming success. He felt as though the world had fallen in on him, and he didn't know what to do to make it up to them. By the way, aren't you working tonight? She looked at the clock in surprise.

I called in sick while you were in with Tygue.

I'm glad. She smiled up at him and stretched out on the bed. I'm so tired I could die.

I can't imagine why, Cinderella. He sat down and started to rub her feet and then her legs. I mean, after all, you only drove about three hundred miles today, came home and were forced to confront me with all the skeletons in your closet, after which, I was kind enough to tear the guts out of your son, forcing you to rescue the child from the pouring rain, bathe him, comfort him, and generally save the day. Why the hell are you tired? She was grinning at the description.

Do I get a national award for all that? It sounds exemplary.

You really should. And me, I should get a kick in the ass.

Would you settle for something else? She sat up as he rubbed her legs and slid her arms around his neck.

I don't deserve it. He hung his head like a wicked child and she laughed.

Just shut up and relax. He did and they did, and it was nine o'clock when Kate went in to run a bath. Will you keep an eye on this for me for a minute? I want to check on Tygue.

Sure. He stopped her for a moment, for a long tender kiss. She had given him everything that night, he knew that. Her body, her soul, her heart, everything she had to give had been his. As though to soothe his pain for what he'd done. I love you, Cinderella. More than you know. By the way he looked down at her gently and smoothed a stray lock of hair from her face far be it from me to snoop into your life or question your motives, but it seems to me that you forgot something tonight. She looked up at him with a confused little smile. She knew he was teasing but she wasn't sure about what.

I did? And then she grinned broadly. Oh damn. Dinner. Oh darling, I'm sorry. Are you starving?

No, I'm not starving. I couldn't even eat. I meant something else. He pulled her back into his arms and felt her body bring his to life again as they both smiled and kissed. You forgot the flying saucer you know, the magic baby catcher. He looked at her with a grin. He had forgotten it too. Until afterward. Everything had been so topsy-turvy all night. And when he looked at her now, she was frowning with a look of irritation but not panic.

Shit. My diaphragm. She had left it sitting virginally in the drawer.

Is that a disaster? He felt an obligation to ask, although for him it was anything but a disaster. He still wanted her child. Tygue as well as his own. Would you freak out?

No. But I won't get pregnant anyway. It's the wrong time of the month.

How do you figure that? Not the way he understood things.

I had my hair done yesterday.

Huh? You're crazy. And you haven't answered my question.

What is it? But she was teasing him and he knew it.

The question is ' oh to hell with you. Get pregnant, so what. I'll drop you off at the unwed mothers' home, and go to Tahiti with Tygue.

Be sure you send me a postcard. And don't bother watching my bath. She grinned as she turned it off, and grabbed a white terry-cloth robe to go check on Tygue. I'll be back in a sec.

Do that. He said it with a smile. And she did. She was back in a second but without a smile. She walked back into the bathroom with her robe flying wide, showing her long thin naked body, and her face deathly white.

Tygue's gone.

Nick felt as though the earthquake had hit. She silently handed him a note, and as he read it, she bent over the John and threw up.

No, we don't know where he went. All we know is what he left in this note. Nick looked across at Kate. They had discussed it all before the police arrived. They were not going to say anything about Tom. It wouldn't help.

Let's have another look at that note.

The note was painfully simple. Iym goang to fine mie fathere. Nice plain seven-year-old English. He was going to find his father. The plainclothesman looked up at Nick and Kate.

You're not his father, Mr' . er ' Waterman?

No. He's Mrs. Harper's son. But Tygue and I are very close. After he said it, he felt like an ass. But who was thinking straight? Kate was beginning to look strangely translucent and gray. She had barely spoken to the police, and Nick was afraid she was going into shock.

Do you know where his father is? Seems like it would be pretty simple to give him a call. Kate looked agonized, and Nick shook his head.

I'm afraid not. The boy's father died before he was born.

Was he angry at you then? The cop came back at him quickly and this time Kate revived.

No, I think, if anything, he was angry at me. I think mostly he's just under a lot of new pressures.

We just moved to San Francisco, and he's in a new school, and ' She faltered and Nick squeezed her hand.

Does he have any money?

Kate shook her head. I don't think so

Did he take anything?

Yes. His teddy bear. Her eyes filled as she said it. It's a large brown bear with a red tie. She looked down at Bert, who wagged his tail and approached, and she only cried harder.

What's the boy wearing?

She didn't know. And she would never be able to guess. But she went to the hall closet and discovered his slicker was gone.

A yellow slicker. And probably jeans and cowboy boots.

Anyone in town he would go to?

Felicia! She ran for the phone, but there was no answer when she dialed. Somberly, she gave the officer Licia's number. And Tillie's. And Joey's back home. And ' And I think he might have tried to get to Carmel. She looked miserably at Nick.

Does he know anyone there? The policeman looked up.

No. But he likes it Damn. What could she tell him? He went to find his retarded, crippled, once-famous father, whom he didn't even know was alive until this afternoon? What are you going to do? She squeezed Nick's hand as the police closed their little brown books.

Comb the area until we find him. Now we need some pictures. They brought out dozens of them. Color, close-up, distance, in every possible outfit, on his pony, with his dog, at Disneyland, on a cable car with Licia. They shoved the makings of an album into their hands. We'll only need one or two. Kate nodded numbly as they went out into the rain. We'll call you every hour to report Thank you.

Hang tough. They looked encouragingly at Nick as they left. Expensive house. And the kid looked happy enough in the pictures. They obviously weren't abusing him. Maybe he was just one of those funny little kids who needed to run away. They'd seen that kind before. The girls tended to stand dramatically in the doorway, giving their parents every opportunity to beg them to stay home. The boys just packed up and split. Oh God, Nick, what'll we do? Just what they said, darling. Hang tough. I can't' oh God ' Nick, I can't. He could be kidnaped. Run over. He could be '

Stop it! He grabbed her by the shoulders and then pulled her tightly into his arms. Just stop it, Kate. We can't do that We have to know he'll be okay. Kate nodded numbly as she cried, and then clutched hopelessly at Nick. There was something agonized in her eyes that tore at him, and finally as she sobbed, he began to understand. There was more than just fear and worry in her heart It's my fault, Nick ' it's all my fault.' I said stop it, Kate. It's not your fault He wanted to tell her it was his own fault for bringing up the whole mess that afternoon, but it was pointless for either of them to blame themselves now. What they had to do was get Tygue back and tell him about his father, talk about the past, try to explain Kate's reasons for keeping him in the dark. And they would love the boy more than they had before. He needed that Tonight proved it. But breast-beating was a futile act Nick held tightly to Kate and gently pushed her chin up with one hand until her drenched eyes met his.