Searching for Pemberley (27 page)

“After Jack was discharged from hospital, he was given two weeks' leave and two weeks of light duty, but I got only ten days because my time with him when in the hospital was considered to be leave. But it was a wonderful ten days. We went to Lyme Regis in Dorset right on the Channel. You might have read about it in Jane Austen's
Persuasion.
It rained most of the time, but we snuggled in bed or sat in the public room in front of a fire. After Lyme Regis, we'd see each other whenever we could, because I was working, and then he was back to France.”

Beth stopped talking and started to rub her arms, as if these memories had brought on a chill of their own. “In April 1917, I was assigned to the hospital in a casino at LeTouquet that had been set up by the Duchess of Westminster. That's where I was when the guns went silent on November 11, 1918.”

Suddenly stopping, Beth said, “My God, what a tangent I just went off on.” Beth stood up and headed toward the kitchen.
“Let's get some coffee going.” After returning with a fresh pot, courtesy of the Army Exchange Service, she continued her story. “What I started to say was that I had a particularly bad week at the hospital in Sheffield. After Freddie picked me up at the Stepton station, he insisted I come back to Montclair for a drink. Remember, at this time, Montclair was being used by the RAF as a retreat. I went into the drawing room, and Freddie introduced me as the 'Mistress of the Manor' to all the officers. I met a captain from the Royal Canadian Air Force.”

I closed my eyes because I was afraid of what Beth was about to say.

“Maggie, you may open your eyes. I did not have an affair.” I let out a sigh. I cared so much for Jack and Beth I didn't want to think either had been unfaithful. It was upsetting enough to learn their marriage had been so troubled. “But I came pretty close to it. But Peter was married and had a son, and his wife didn't deserve that. He missed his family, and I was very lonely after years of Jack being gone so much. Peter treated me with such kindness. We mostly talked, held hands, went for long walks, and kissed quite a bit, but it lasted all of seven days, and I never saw him again.”

Looking at me, Beth asked if I thought less of her because of her flirtation, but after hearing about her life with Jack, I couldn't judge her. “No,” I said, “I just wish it had been different.”

Beth smiled and then continued, “I believe Freddie said something to Jack. As a result, we had our first serious discussion about our marriage.” Beth stopped talking and looked out the window trying to think of the right words to use. “Jack told me that one of the reasons he took the job in India was because it was the only way he could provide for me in the same manner
in which I had been brought up at Montclair. If we had stayed in England, he could never have afforded to hire nurses and governesses for the children or maids for me. The hurt I felt went to my very soul. I asked him if he truly believed that having servants was more important to me than having a husband. And what about his sons? They hardly knew him.

“After that, Jack came home more often. He started to tell me things he had kept bottled up inside, like the first time he realized he fancied me. This would be 1909, when I was sixteen years old. We were hosting the Harvest Ball, which was the premier event of the summer, for all of our high-society friends. When our guests arrived, it was Jack and Tom's job to assist the footmen in helping the ladies out of their carriages. Jack escorted Lady Lindsey to the ballroom because she was very old and frail. When he was going back to help the other guests, I was coming down the stairs, and it stopped him in his tracks. My father came over to him and said, 'No harm in looking, Jack, as long as you don't touch.' I'm sure my father meant it as a joke, but Jack took it to mean that no matter how good he was or how high he might rise, I was beyond his reach. That planted the seed that he would never be good enough for me.

“These discussions helped a lot, but there was so much that was simmering under the surface. Then the walls came tumbling down when Michael called. He had joined the Royal Air Force and had been assigned to a bomber base in Lincolnshire as a mechanic. We were so relieved, believing that was where he would serve out the war. However, when he called, he told me that he had orders for Burma. This is in October '44. I was sick to my stomach. By that time, everyone knew how the Japanese fought to the death and what they did to prisoners of war.

“I waited for Jack to come home. I was afraid of how he would react since he was already terribly stressed with James being in Italy. As soon as I told him about Michael, he broke out in a sweat and started to clutch at his throat because he couldn't breathe or swallow. He was having a panic attack. And then he started to rock back and forth, holding his head in his hands, and saying, 'They're going to get my boys.' And he looked right at me and said, 'Just like they got Tom and Trevor and Matt.' And there it was in plain sight, all the pain he had kept to himself for thirty years. When he was able to talk, everything that had been bothering him spilled out. It was true he kept his family at a distance because, in that way, it wouldn't hurt as much when I left him and took the boys with me. He was absolutely convinced I'd see what a 'mug' he was and would look for someone who was brought up like I was.

“Do you see where I'm going with this?” she asked with such concern. “There are as many ways to deal with the horrors of war as there are people. A lot of individuals talk about it and get it out of their system, but some cannot let go. Rob has seen his closest friend die right in front of him and others blown out of the sky. He needs help.”

“Is that why Jack suggested we go to Bassingbourn?”

“Yes. He's afraid Rob will take the same wrong path he did. He doesn't want to think of him sitting on the edge of a bed twenty-five years from now crying about the loss of his friends.”

“So what do I do?” I asked. Beth had stopped crying, and I had started.

“I'd like for Jack to talk to him. There are no guaranties, but I think at this point, Rob will understand we are concerned for his welfare. If anyone can reach Rob, it will be Jack. He's made that same journey.”

The following morning, after breakfast, Beth told me Jack wanted to talk to me. I found him at the rear of his property next to the chicken coops, with his foot up on a fence rail, watching a border collie moving a flock of sheep from one pasture to another. It was this very scene that had inspired so many of Reed Lacey's drawings.

“When I was a lad, I could easily spend a part of an afternoon watching those dogs work. They're remarkable animals, incredibly intelligent.” After a few minutes, he finally said, “Beth told me you and Rob have hit a rough patch.”

I told him about what had happened in London and asked him what he thought.

“To tell you the truth, Maggie, it's more about me than Rob.” Looking off into the distance, Jack said, “Beth told you that when I found out that Michael had orders for Burma, I had a panic attack, right?” I simply nodded. “Well, I didn't have a panic attack. I had a nervous breakdown.” Switching legs on the fence rail, he continued. “All I could do was sit in my bedroom and look out the window while volunteers from the village worked in our Victory garden. I was supposed to be in Cherbourg working on repairing the harbor facilities, so the Allies could get war materiel to the boys fighting in France. Instead, I was crying on and off all day long with either my mother or Beth wiping my nose.

“It had been building up for quite a while. I knew from news reports that James's regiment was in the thick of it in Italy, but I thought at least my younger son was safe. And then came the call from Michael. After Beth told me about his new orders, I was convinced my boy was going to die in the Burmese jungles.

“Nightmares from the war that I hadn't had in ten, fifteen years came back. Jesus, they all came back,” he said, massaging his temples as if that act would block out any unwanted images. “Picking up bodies and having them fall apart in my hands. Stepping on limbs. Being scared shitless during barrages.”

Although I could see him only in profile, I knew Jack was fighting back tears. “I would never have believed I could fall apart like that, but I did. Michael came home on leave, and instead of me reassuring him everything would be all right, he reassured me. We went for long walks and talked about everything under the sun. He told me he wanted to be an engineer. He didn't say it, but what he really meant was, if he became an engineer, I would pay more attention to him. After Michael left, I realized that I couldn't help my own boys, but I could help someone else's by getting them what they needed to defeat those Nazi bastards.”

Turning to look at me, he said, “Maggie, I've seen a B-17 up close. I know where the bombardier sits and how close he is to the navigator. When the flak hit the nose of Rob's Fortress, it didn't just kill Pat. It blew him to pieces, and Rob had to crawl over his friend's body to get to the switch.” Looking at me to see if I understood, he continued, “I'm telling you this because, from conversations I've had with Rob, I don't think he has dealt with what happened over Stuttgart or on the other twenty-nine missions. After the last mission, as far as he was concerned, he had tempted fate thirty times, and he wasn't about to take any more chances. I believe Rob was a cautious man before the war, and his war experiences have only made him more so.

“Rob's just drifting all over the place. If it weren't for you, he wouldn't have any anchor at all. If you and Rob do tie the knot, it's possible he will react much like I did. He'll keep everything
buried deep inside, he won't talk about it, and he'll shut you out, just like I shut out Beth.” Putting his arm around my shoulder, he said, “If you were my daughter, I'd have this very same conversation with you. But from this point on, if you want my advice, I'll wait for you to ask.”

Now it was my turn to stare off into the distance. There wasn't anything Jack had said that I could disagree with. After our trip to Bassingbourn, I was hoping Rob would want to talk, but that hadn't happened. All of this wouldn't have mattered to me if I believed it didn't matter to Rob.

“You don't think we're going to get married. Do you?”

“I don't know,” Jack said, shaking his head. “If he ever does open up to you, your support will be very important, but until that time, you're on the sidelines. Unfortunately, there's no way of knowing if he'll even let you in the game.”

WHEN I ARRIVED AT Mrs. Dawkins's house from Crofton on Sunday evening, my landlady handed me a bouquet of flowers that Rob had brought by the house, not knowing I had gone to see Beth and Jack. The card said, “Please be patient with me a little longer. I'm trying to get all of my ducks in a row. I love you, Rob.” The expression of “getting his ducks in a row” was one Rob used frequently. What I had come to realize was that Rob had an awful lot of ducks.

On Monday, my boss, Don Milne, called me into his office. Both of us had been waiting for the other shoe to fall regarding our reassignments.

“Maggie, both of us have been granted a reprieve,” he said with a big sigh. “I've been notified by Washington that because of what's going on in Berlin, the Air Force is sending three squadrons of B-29s to England, and I've been instructed to hold on to all remaining staff. By the way, we are now officially the Army and Air Force Exchange Service or AAFES.” This was terrific news, and I jumped up and gave Don a big hug.

When I met Rob that evening, he didn't know what to say about my extension of employment at AAFES. It was obvious if something didn't happen to change the trajectory of our relationship, Rob would be returning to the States, and I would remain in England.

After thanking Rob for the flowers and note, I told him both of us were invited to Crofton after Beth returned from a visit to Scotland. Beth insisted no sensible person would spend a summer weekend in London if they had a choice. I always enjoyed visiting Derbyshire, but I also needed to return all of the letters Beth had allowed me to read regarding the Lacey/Garrison romance. After rereading all of the letters and Beth's notes, I had more questions than answers, and only Beth could clear things up. Rob agreed to go because he had never been to Crofton, and he really liked the Crowells.

Beth was right about living in London in August. It was bad enough at the office where AAFES had large fans running on high, but my attic bedroom sitter was stifling. Fortunately, London's long days of summer and beautiful parks provided the perfect setting for sharing sandwiches at 8:00 at night. I had not been to Rob's flat since our discussion in Hyde Park. Although I suspected Rob saw the lack of intimacy as punishment, I thought that to continue a physical relationship would give him the false impression that all was well.

Jack met us at the station and took the long way around to Crofton because this was Rob's first trip to Derbyshire. After showing Rob some of the countryside, he drove up to Montclair and pointed out all of the changes the Catons had made on the outside, including a working fountain.

“There's still a shortage of building materials. But I made some phone calls, and I was able to get new pipe for the
fountain from a company that sells American surplus. You Yanks left behind enough supplies to build a good-sized town.” Pointing his cigarette at the fountain, he said, “As kids, we were allowed to climb in there on hot days and splash around to our hearts' content.”