Searching for Neverland (25 page)

“Quit jumping,” I grumbled when another person joined us on the bed and snuggled up next to me.

“Happy birthday, Swift,” Josh said, his lips so close to my ear it made me shiver.

I froze, but he released me before I could react and scooted back against my headboard. It was the closest we’d gotten in the two weeks since we’d had our ‘talk’, outside of dancing at Marissa’s wedding which had been as uneventful and painful as I’d predicted. I’d felt like crying the entire time we’d been there, and after it was over, Josh and I came back home, and I faked going to bed before sneaking out to go have sex with Alex just so I didn’t feel like a total loser.

I’d been in a very low place, and things hadn’t gotten much better since then.

The worst part was, Josh acted perfectly normal around me. He just moved on as if our hook-up had never happened. And we spent a lot of time together, so he had ample opportunities to show me just how unaffected he was by what we’d done.

We were full steam ahead with our plans to overhaul the kitchen since it needed the most work, and we were going to tackle it first. And we’d put together our initial thoughts for the rest of the bar and had met with Cole and Sean to see how much of what we wanted was achievable and within our budget. Cole was drawing up the plans for the remodel, and Sean would handle the construction. We had also interviewed and hire
d
a decorator named Leanna who specialized in bars and restaurants.

Our plan was to remodel the kitchen while we were still open, and then close down for no more than a month to do the rest of the remodel
,
and then reopen at the end of the summer with a big party. So until we finalized everything, Josh and I ran O’Donnell’s as it was and didn’t change anything. We’d wait until the big reveal to showcase all of our new ideas.

And to get ready for that day, Josh spent time helping me understand ordering, how to open, how to close, how the payroll system worked, how to accept deliveries, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I truly never understood how much went into owning and operating a business, but Josh was a very thorough teacher. And whenever we weren’t doing those things, I practiced making drinks behind the bar. I’d started working during the day when it was less busy, and Josh ‘ordered’ mixed drinks so I could practice when there weren’t many customers ordering things besides beer.

But for as much time as we’d spent together, we had barely touched in two weeks. It was almost as if we were both overly cautious of getting too close, so we maintained our distance. And the flirting we usually did so easily had pretty much ceased, and I really missed it, because even before all the drama between us, it was what made my friendship with Josh fun.

So him being in my bed, wishing me happy birthday, with his lips at my ear when I really wanted them on
my
lips and other unmentionable parts of my body set my blood on fire.

I sat up to look at him and Allison who were both grinning stupidly at me, and good Lord, Josh was shirtless. Was he trying to kill me?

“It’s your birthday,” Allison cheered, jostling me as she danced on her knees. “What do you want to do today?”

“Wallow,” I said miserably, leaning my head back against my headboard.
“I’m old.”

I was old
and
undesirable. Sure, Alex wanted my body, and that was fine, but it wasn’t enough. And he wasn’t Josh. When they’d switched places in my mind I wasn’t sure, but I was ashamed to admit that I’d slept with Alex a few times in the past two weeks just to get Josh out of my head.

Unfortunately, I’d felt Josh’s size when we’d been making out, and Alex’s minuscule dick was nowhere near what I craved. But, thankfully he
more than made up for it with
his tongue, and it was easy enough for me to close my eyes and pretend it was Josh’s mouth on me instead.

Okay, fine, I was sick and pathetic.

And old.

“You’re not old, Tay,” Josh insisted. “Hell, I’ve got two years on you.”

Allison shook her head at her brother, silently letting him know that it wasn’t okay to say things like that. Everyone knew women got old and haggard while men got older and distinguished. There was a specific difference.

“Let’s go to breakfast and go shopping and then have dinner some place fabulous,” Allison suggested exuberantly, bouncing again.

“Al, quit shaking
the bed,” Josh said firmly.
Allison stopped moving.

“I’ll do dinner,” I told her, “but I’m serious, I just want to stay in bed and watch movies and eat chocolate today. If you let me do that, I’ll go out tonight.”

“Seriously?” Allison asked, her face falling.

“Seriously,” I said, as I reached for my remote and turned on the TV.

“Alright, Tay,” Josh said. “We
’
ll give you your space, but tonight you’re ours.”

I wish I was yours.

“Fine. Just close the door on your way out.”

“Love you,” Allison said, as she hoped off the bed.

“Love you,” Josh echoed, and he leaned down and kissed my temple
, his lips linger
ing
there for a few beats longer than was friendly.

I watched him leave the room, wondering if he’d done that intentionally, and as he reached the door, he turned, winked at me and grinned.

“I have a feeling you’re going to have a really good birthday, Taylor,” he said, and then he closed the door.

And I was left feeling thoroughly confused.

* * *

“Happy birthday, babe,” Alex said when he called me late in the day.

“Hey,” I said glumly, my mood having failed to improve at all. Alex didn’t seem to pick up on it.

“So can I take my girl out to dinner?”

“Huh?”

“It’s your birthday, I want to take you out tonight,” Alex said, as if it was obvious.

Since when was I ‘his girl’?

“I sort of have plans with Allison and Josh,” I said, looking at my alarm clock. I needed to get in the shower.

“Cancel with them. Let me take you out,” he insisted, and I wondered when he’d become so needy. He sounded like he would be upset if told him no.

“Alex, I can’t do that. They’re my best friends.”

“Come on, Tay. Please. I actually need to talk to you about something.”

Just then, Allison knocked on my door. She opened it, and the remorseful look on her face caught me by surprise.

“Hang on, Alex. What’s wrong?”

She bit her lip. “Corey’s in the emergency room.” My eyes went wide, and she shook her head. “He’s fine. He just broke his ankle sliding at practice today.” She rolled her eyes. “I guess he was showing off for the kids, and it backfired, so I have to go to the hospital.”

“So you can’t go to dinner.”

She shook her head. “I’m sorry, Tay. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“It’s fine. I’ll just go out with Josh.”

Talk about awkward.

She bit her lip again. “He had to go into work. They had a few callouts tonight, so he’s going to be tied up there for a while, but he said to come in later, and he’ll buy you birthday drinks.”

“Do I need to go in and help him?”

I was a little ticked off that he hadn’t asked me to go into work. I would have done it. We were partners. He didn’t need to shoulder the entire burden of the bar like he had for so long.

Allison shook her head. “He didn’t want you to miss celebrating your birthday.”

How thoughtful of him.

Well, this was turning out to be a bust of a birthday. And I’d actually worked myself up to being somewhat excited about going out to dinner with my best friends. And now I’d be alone on my worst birthday to date. Fantastic.

Then I remembered Alex on the phone.

“Okay,” I said brightly to Allison so she didn’t feel bad. “Let’s do dinner tomorrow.”

“Great,” she said cheerfully.

“Tell Corey I hope he feels better.”

“I will.”

When she was gone, I picked my phone
back up. “Pick me up in an hour,
” I told Alex.

“Love to,” he said eagerly.

* * *

Alex took a deep breath, as if bracing himself. “I think I want to get serious with you,” he said, and my fork dropped out of my hand, as I tried to figure out if I’d heard him correctly.

“Excuse me?”

Alex cleared his throat. “Taylor, I didn’t realize how much I missed you until recently, and we’ve been having a lot of fun together. I think I want to be with you – just you.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “What about all that wanting to be casual shit and waiting five years to put a ring on my finger?”

He took a deep breath. “I was scared of settling down, but I realized that I don’t want to lose you, and if that means taking a chance, then I’m willing to do that.”

Okay, so it wasn’t the greatest proclamation of love, but Alex was suddenly telling me what I’d been waiting since college to hear. And all I could think about was Josh – a guy who wasn’t interested in me
and
had a girlfriend. If that wasn’t messed up, I didn’t know what was. And ironically enough, had Alex said those things to me just a few weeks earlier, I never would have realized my feelings for Josh.

That
was fucked up.

“I need to go to the bathroom,” I said, violently pushing my chair back and practically knocking it over in my haste to get away from the table.

I burst through the bathroom door and stopped short when two girls around my age looked up in surprise. They only glanced at me for a few seconds before going back to their conversation as I slipped into the handicapped stall. I stopped in front of the sink, put my hands on either side of the basin for support and looked into the mirror.

I had panic written all over my face. And that wasn’t good.

A few deep breaths in and out helped calm me just a touch, but my heart wouldn’t stop pounding. And it hurt just a little. Why was it that the guy I wanted never wanted me when I wanted him?

I stood up and smoothed down my dress, buying time and bracing myself before I went back to the table. I had no idea what I was going to tell Alex.

Chapter 13

“Thanks for coming with me,” I told Alex as we walked up the path to O’Donnell’s.

When I’d gotten back to the table, I’d put on my best smile and told him I wanted to think about what he was offering. He didn’t question me, most likely because he knew I felt burned by him, and he was more than willing to give me the time I needed. And I really did need it.

Because
before I committed to Alex,
I had to know that Josh
really
wasn’t available to me.
Something in his expression when he’d left my room that morning had me wondering what if, and this time, I wasn’t going to hold back. I was going to come clean about my feelings for him and hope for the best. And probably curl up in a ball and be depressed for a week if he rejected me, but no matter, I was going to take a chance, because it was my birthday, and it was what I wanted to do.

And
when Alex suggested going to O’Donnell’s
,
so I could meet up with Josh for a birthday drink, I figured I’d capitalize on the opportunity. Call me shameless if you must, but in that moment, it was what I needed to do.

My plan was not ironed out at all, but I figured I could
start by
let
ting
Josh know that Alex wanted me back, and based on his reaction, I’d know
how to approach the whole, ‘I’m in love with you declaration’.

It wasn’t exactly full-proof.

I should have known something was up when I didn’t hear any music coming from the pub, but I just wasn’t thinking. And when I opened the door to complete darkness and no sound, my first thought was not that my friends were throwing me a surprise party, but that the place was closed and Josh had lied about going into work. And then I panicked as to why it might be closed and I, the part-owner, wasn’t looped in.

I started to close the door but then a single spotlight lit up the middle of the bar and Josh stepped into it. I narrowed my eyes in confusion as Alex pushed me through the door. Then the
music started, and my jaw dropped and my eyes got really wide. And then four more spotlights lit up on either side of Josh, who was tapping his foot in time with the beat.

There, standing on the bar, was Corey, who did not have any traces of a broken ankle, Bryce, Kyle, and Sean. They all started tapping their feet, and then Josh started singing, and then they all joined in and started dancing. And I realized they were doing a choreographed dance, on top of the bar, to
What Makes You Beautiful
by One
Direction, and I almost lost my shit right there in the middle of O’Donnell’s.