SEAL's Baby (Navy SEAL Secret Baby Romance) (26 page)

  
“I don’t want to talk about Paul anymore,” I said firmly. “Except
to say that I hope you don’t try and get involved with this.”

“What does that mean?”

“It just means, if you
see him in the street, ignore him,” I said.

“You’re trying to protect
him?”

  
“I don’t give a fuck about him,” I said raising my voice. “I care
about you, and I don’t want you involved in this. It’s my mess, not yours, and
I'm perfectly capable of handling it on my own. I don’t need a knight in
shining armor, Dylan.”

  
He stared at me for a moment and then he smiled unexpectedly. “I
know that,” he said at last. “You never needed one. I just liked thinking of
myself in that role.”

  
I couldn’t help but smile at that confession. “And I appreciate
that you want to step into that role for me, but it’s unnecessary.”

“Ok then,” Dylan said
with a small sigh. “I will hand over my armor to you.”

“Thanks.”

Dylan hesitated for a
moment. “But …”

“Yes?”

  
“It’s taken care of right?” Dylan asked. “I mean, the restraining order
will hold; Paul won’t be able to hurt you again?”

“Of course it’ll hold,” I
nodded. “I’ll make sure it does.”

  
Dylan nodded and he seemed a little more at ease. He took a deep
breath and I saw his body relax visibly. He looked over at me and I saw his
eyes study my face. “You need to put some ice on that bruise.”

“I was about to do that
when you started hammering on my door.”

  
Dylan got up and walked over to the fridge. I came back with the
ice pack and pressed it against the side of my face. The ice burned but it sent
waves of relief through my body. He waited till he had iced the bruise well and
then he returned the ice pack back to the fridge.

“Come here,” he said when
he got back to the couch. “I want to hold you.”

  
I felt my whole body lean in towards him, craving the touch of his
hands on mine, but my mind was sending me warning signals. The last week had
made me realize a few different things. I did have feelings for Dylan and they
were stronger than was healthy but I also knew that we couldn’t hope to sustain
a relationship after he left Bastrop. I needed to keep my feelings in check no
matter how hard that was.

  
I hesitated only for a moment before I moved closer to him and
rested my head against his chest with my feet pulled up on the sofa. He kissed
my forehead and the top of my head and I listened to the steady beat of his
heart, trying to commit the feeling of intimacy to memory.

“I’m leaving tomorrow,”
Dylan said softly.

  
I felt cold instantly and a part of me wanted to pull myself away from
him and create some distance now. Another part of me wanted to pull him close
enough that he would never even think of leaving at all. I stifled my raging
thoughts and nodded.

“That came around fast,”
I said casually, covering over my distress.

“It did,” Dylan nodded.
“I can’t believe it’s over.”

  
I wanted to ask him what he believed was over; was he referring to
his time in Bastrop, his time with his family, or his time with me? I held back
the question and stayed silent not knowing what else to say.

“I’m going to miss you,”
Dylan said kissing my head again.

  
“I’ll miss you too,” I said distractedly, as my thoughts flew to
next week when Dylan would be gone and I would be alone once more.

“Let’s stay in touch,” he
said abruptly, as though he had just made the decision moments ago.

I glanced up at him.
“That didn’t really work out the first time, Dylan,” I said.

  
“I know, but this time is different,” he said as though he was
trying to work out the particulars in his head. “We’re older now; hopefully
that means we’re wiser and more mature. We can do it.”

  
I looked away from him. He seemed so convinced that he was making
me believe that we could do it and I wasn’t willing to get my hopes up just
yet.

“Lizzie,” his voice was
soft and caressing.

“Yes?”

“I know why you’re so
reluctant. I know I hurt you badly when I left, when I stopped writing back—”

“No,” I interrupted as I
sat up and faced him. “You’ve apologized for that, you don’t need to keep doing
it.”

“But—”

  
“I have a confession to make,” I said cutting him off. “I probably
should have admitted this long ago but I don’t think I even realized it until
recently.”

“What’s that?”

“Well, at the beginning
we used to call each other every week, do you remember?”

“Of course,” Dylan
nodded.

  
“Well then the calls stopped and we starting writing letters to
each other,” I continued. “Well, the thing is, when you’re letters started
drying up, it was true that I was hurt but it was more complicated than that. I
was so young and so confused that I didn’t understand all that I was feeling
when the truth of the matter was that, I guess I felt … a little relieved.”

“Relieved?” Dylan
repeated and I heard the question in his voice.

  
“When you wrote less, it gave me the excuse to write less too,” I
explained, hoping that he wouldn’t misunderstand. “See, the thing that I never
admitted to you was that I was terrified of what it would do to me if you
stayed in the Navy and we stayed together. I knew that if we continued on with
the relationship, then we would have eventually ended up married and then …”

“You would have been the
wife of a Navy SEAL,” Dylan interjected.

  
“Yes,” I nodded. “I would have had to worry my whole life
wondering if you were safe, if you would come back home. I would have spent the
rest of my life living in fear, terrified to answer the phone because it might
be someone calling to tell me that you’ve been wounded, terrified to answer the
doorbell because it might be someone coming to tell me that you were dead. I
don’t think I could have lived that life.”

  
Dylan stared into my eyes for a moment and then he gave me a sad
smile. “I guess it’s a good thing I never did it then.”

“Did what?” I asked.

  
He hesitated for a moment. “I wanted to propose to you before I
left to enlist,” Dylan admitted in a low voice and I froze in place.

“What?”

“It’s true,” he nodded.

“You thought about …
proposing to me?” I repeated again.

“I did more than just
think about it,” Dylan went on. “I actually had a ring.”

“What?” I gasped in
shocked disbelief.

  
Dylan nodded. “It wasn’t anything special,” he said quickly. “It
cost me a couple of hundred dollars and I ended up selling it for half that
price a year later, but I guess I wanted a seal on our relationship before I
went.”

I could only stare at him
for a moment trying to let that sink in. “You never … you never told me.”

“It didn’t end up being
relevant.”

“You didn’t end up proposing
to me though.” I reminded him.

  
“No I didn’t,” Dylan nodded. “I realized that if I had asked the
question, you would have been forced to accept. After all, I was going off to
enlist and serve my country. We were in love and we had no idea what life would
be like after my training and after my first deployment. I was smart enough to
realize that it would be selfish to force you into that kind of promise.”

“Oh,” was all I could
say.

  
Dylan smiled at my dumbfounded expression. “I realized later that
I was right,” he continued when I didn’t say anything more. “I saw what it did
to all the boys who had to leave behind wives and children. Later on, I saw
what it did to their wives and children and I knew I had made the right
decision. I wanted you to be free to live your life, even if it didn’t include
me.”

  
I looked down at our linked hands and I realized that he was
right. I would have accepted a marriage proposal if he had asked the question.
We would have gone through with it if that had happened and my fate would have
been sealed. I didn’t know that my life without Dylan had been any better, but
I also knew that I couldn’t be a military wife. I just knew that better now
than I did back then.

“I guess things happened
the way they were supposed to,” I said at last.

Dylan nodded. “Maybe this
journey was meant to take us somewhere greater.”

“Let’s hope that’s true,”
I nodded.

  
Dylan leaned in and kissed me hard on the lips. It felt as though
he were holding us together. I felt as though we were connected by more than
just our bodies but by the expanse of history that we shared together. Maybe we
were not supposed to end up together, perhaps that was never the point of this
relationship at all. We had grown up together, we had learnt from each other
and maybe that was the point.

  
Our tongues entwined and I felt my heartbeat race up, fueled by
his wandering hands and the way his lips felt against mine. I wanted him inside
me, I wanted to feel him inside me, but I knew that we shouldn’t be travelling
down that road now.

  
We had had our time together and now it was coming to a close. If
our relationship continued after this point, it would have to be a friendship
that kept the lines firmly drawn. I pulled back before his hands could go any
further down.

  
“You’re leaving tomorrow, Dylan,” I whispered. “And I can’t let
myself get any deeper into this than I already have.”

  
He looked like he was going to argue, the passion was burning
steadily in his eyes and then after a moment, I watched it go out slowly. He
nodded once and loosened his grip on me. “I understand,” he said.

  
“What time are you leaving tomorrow?” I asked and the question
tasted like sawdust coming out of my mouth.

“In the morning,” Dylan
replied. “After I have breakfast with mom.”

I nodded.

“Why don’t you join us?”
he asked.

“Thank you,” I said
sincerely. “But I think it would be a little too … hard for me.”

  
Dylan sighed but I saw the understanding in his eyes. I could see
a little relief too, neither one of us wanted to fall to pieces with sad
goodbyes and the uncertainty of our future relationship.

“I guess we’ll have to
say our goodbyes now then.”

“Let’s not say goodbye at
all,” I suggested quickly.

  
“That’s a good idea,” Dylan nodded enthusiastically. “A goodbye
implies that we’re never going to see each other after this and we’re going to
stay in touch; I promise.”

  
“Don’t promise,” I said gently. “Let’s just do the best we can. We
had our beautiful relationship, and that was perfect, but now …”

“We’re friends,” Dylan
finished for me.

“Yes,” I nodded. “We are
friends.”

“All right then,” Dylan
said. “I guess I’ll be seeing you, Lizzie.”

  
He rose from the sofa and I walked him to the door. He leaned in
and pulled me to him for a kiss. We stood by the door kissing for five minutes
before he finally broke away. His eyes were calm and tranquil but I could see
the regret etched across them as though he was remembering memories that he
couldn’t avoid.

“I’ll be seeing you,
Dylan,” I said repeated his words from a few moments ago.

  
He smiled, kissed me softly on the lips again, and walked out the
door. He didn’t look back and I didn’t expect him to. Looking back only kept
you from moving forward.

Chapter
Twenty-Seven

Dylan

  
I couldn’t stop thinking about her. The knowledge that I was
leaving only made it more impossible to keep her off my mind. I kept thinking
of all the things we could be doing if we had just decided to stay together
until I left for the airport. Everything felt like wasted time to me, but I
knew she needed to disengage before she got her feelings too deeply involved.

  
I knew I had to give her that. She deserved to move on with as
little pain as possible, and if not seeing me and not saying goodbye was what
she needed, then I would disappear quietly without a word.