Screwups (23 page)

He’d thought he was fine with all of this, but the moment he peered over the edge of the dumpster and saw his entire childhood tossed out, it was like his father had been standing right there slapping him across the face. He felt tears sting his eyes, but he blinked hard to clear them. It was too late for that. Too late for anything.

Instead, he muttered “fucking asshole” under his breath and heaved himself up over the metal lip of the dumpster. Danny said nothing but followed him.

It was a miserable time. He found drawings he’d made in high school and stuck up on his walls, but his father had torn them up, so he left them. There were some notebooks and sketchbooks that had been tossed without being destroyed first, so he grabbed those. A couple of stuffed bears; he no longer slept with them of course, but they still stirred something in him. He rescued them. Some old Christmas cards from his mom. A birthday card from Tom. Some toy robots and a toy Starship Enterprise from
Star Trek: The Next Generation
that still had working lights. He left the clothes. He’d outgrown most of them anyway. It was the photos of himself at various ages, their frames smashed, the photos ripped, that finally forced the tears to come, but he ignored them and kept digging, hoping Danny wouldn’t get cut on any of the broken glass.

At last, he signaled Danny to climb out and he followed. The surviving remnants of his childhood were contained in just two small garbage bags. They threw them in the trunk and closed it.

“Okay,” Paul said, “Can we go now?” He hadn’t even left the passenger seat of the car.

Jake turned for one last look at the house and saw his father watching from the window. Danny was still standing beside him and on a sudden, vindictive impulse, he said quietly, “I’d really like it if you could kiss me right now.”

Danny looked at what had drawn his attention. Then he reached up and cupped the back of Jake’s neck and drew him down. The kiss was weird—the same familiar lips and tongue, and Jake had to admit it felt good, but they weren’t kissing for themselves, so there was no passion in it. When Danny let him up for air, Jake glanced at the window to find the shade drawn.

“Guys,” Eva said nervously, leaning over Paul to talk to them through the passenger side window, “I hear sirens.”

“Let’s go,” Jake said.

Fortunately, they were well away from the street before the police arrived. Jake suspected it hadn’t been his father’s intention to actually have him arrested. That would just force him to deal with his son a little longer. No, he’d just wanted to make it clear that Jake was no longer welcome there.

Not that Jake ever intended to go back.

B
Y
THE
time they got back to campus and made the long trek back to the dorm from A Lot, leaving Jake’s stuff in the trunk for the time being, it was almost 2:00 a.m. Eva and Paul went to bed immediately. Danny wanted to crawl into bed too, but he and Jake were both pretty grubby from the dumpster. The lip of it had been caked with a residue of food and crap, and they’d had to put their hands on it when they climbed in and out. So when Jake stripped down and grabbed his towel, Danny followed suit.

Despite the fact that they hadn’t had sex in almost a week and were no longer sharing a bed, they hadn’t been shy about undressing in front of each other. So it wasn’t particularly awkward when they hung up their towels in different stalls and turned the water on.

Then Jake said, “I’d like you to shower with me.”

That threw Danny for a loop. He suddenly became sharply aware of the fact that they were both naked. “I’m not sure if that’s a good idea…,” he began, but Jake cut him off.

“Please. I’d like to talk to you.”

“We can talk when we get back to the room.”

Jake took a step toward him, until he was looking down into his eyes with a tender expression Danny had never expected to see again. “Is that what you really want? I won’t force you. But I’d like to talk while we’re showering.”

He turned and stepped into the shower, pulling the curtain half closed—just enough to keep most of the spray from getting out onto the floor. Danny thought about it for a long moment. What
did
he want? The answer wasn’t really all that hard. He was just afraid that if he stepped into that shower… if it led to sex… things would be even more painful than they already were.

But he turned off the shower he’d been about to use. Then he stepped into Jake’s shower and pulled the curtain completely closed.

Jake smiled at him as he reached out to pull him close. Not really into a hug, but nearly, so he could caress Danny’s shoulders with the castile soap they both liked. “Thank you,” he said softly. “Honestly, I’m too tired and… fucking
exhausted
… to make a pass at you. I just want to… touch you. Is that okay?”

“I guess so. What did you want to talk about?”

“I’ve been doing some thinking,” Jake said, “and I want to tell you a story.” He slowly moved his hands down Danny’s back, massaging the soap in as he spoke. Their fronts were so close it wasn’t possible to disguise their arousal. Their rapidly hardening dicks were already rubbing together. “When I was in high school, I had a best friend named Tom. He was really smart and really cute and I secretly had a huge crush on him. And he had a crush on me too. I was too stupid to acknowledge it, but part of me knew. Unfortunately, when he finally worked up the courage to tell me he was gay—and that he liked me—I freaked. I wasn’t ready to deal with it—not him being gay, and not
me
being gay. So I called him a ‘faggot’ and ran out of that truck stop diner as fast as I could go.”

Danny flinched at the word “faggot,” and Jake stopped caressing him, just letting his hands rest on Danny’s shoulders.

“I refused to talk to him after that night, avoided him at school, stopped answering his calls. The poor guy used to walk up and down the street in front of my house, probably trying to figure out a way to patch things up. I watched him from my window, but I didn’t have the balls to go talk to him. I was too terrified of what my father would do if he found out about… any of it.

“My father did figure it out eventually—at least, he figured out that Tom was pining for me. And he was so disgusted he called Tom’s father and threatened to get a restraining order if Tom didn’t stay away from me. That was kind of it. I avoided Tom for my last year of high school, and then my family moved down to Concord. I heard his family moved too, so I have no idea where he is now.”

The story had killed the mood for Danny. He was no longer aroused. His stomach felt uneasy and he wasn’t sure he wanted Jake to be touching him. “Jesus,” he said. “The poor guy.”

“Yeah.”

Danny took a step back, though he couldn’t move too far away without pressing up against the slimy tile wall of the stall. Jake took the hint and dropped his hands. “Why are you telling me this?” Danny asked. “Are you hoping I’ll tell you it was okay to turn your back on someone you claim you cared about? To call him a
faggot
? Because I’m not sure if I can.”

“No, I’m not asking you to say that, ’cause it would be a lie. It isn’t okay. I was an asshole. And I was a fucking coward. Other guys would’ve found a way to at least meet up with him in secret, but I was too fucking scared. Hell, I was
still
scared when I showed up here last semester, even to come out to someone like you—someone who’s gay himself and wouldn’t care if I was.”

“No kidding.”

“I don’t want you to forgive me for what I did to Tom. I don’t even want Tom to forgive me for it. I want to remember for the rest of my life that
that’s
what being an asshole feels like—
that’s
what it feels like to totally screw up the best part of your life. ’Cause that’s the only way I can stop myself from doing it over and over again.”

“Jake… I’m way too tired to be having a conversation like this.”

“Just give me a minute,” Jake said, “please.” He didn’t have to take a step to move closer; he just leaned forward a little, but that put them only a couple of inches apart again. “I felt it again this past week. I mean, it
seemed
different, but it really wasn’t, was it? I learned something about someone I cared about, and I didn’t know how to handle it. So I ran away again.”

“It
was
different, Jake.” Danny was surprised at how adamant he sounded. “Tom was just telling you how he felt. I
did
things….”

Things
I
don’t deserve to be forgiven for.

“Yeah, I get that,” Jake said, reaching up again to touch Danny’s shoulder. Danny didn’t shrug it off. “And I’m still kind of a prude and not sure how I feel about it. But even I can see it was just—”

“Jake!” Danny cut him off. He didn’t want to hear “it was just sex,” or whatever Jake had intended to say. It wasn’t that simple. It wasn’t just a kink that he wanted Jake to accept and maybe try later with a bunch of their friends. “I really…
really
… don’t want to talk about this at two in the morning….”

Jake looked at him for a long time, as if trying to divine what was going on inside his head. Then he said, “Okay. But will you do this for me? Will you sleep with me tonight? No sex,” he added hurriedly when Danny frowned. “I just want you in my bed again. Then tomorrow maybe we can talk things out.”

Danny wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore. It was late and he was too tired to think. But his body knew what it wanted, and he found himself leaning closer, until he was pressed against Jake’s hot, wet chest. Jake’s arms engulfed him and Danny felt both their bodies relaxing into the familiar contact. “Okay.”

J
AKE
WOKE
in the morning to the feel of Danny’s warm, smooth skin against his. It was such a comfort, after the tension between them the past few days, that he snuggled in closer to Danny’s back and basked in it for several minutes, until Danny stirred.

“Morning,” Danny said sleepily.

“Good morning.”

Danny rolled over to face him. He looked into Jake’s eyes and then slid a hand up to touch Jake’s cheek. Then, without a word, he moved closer, until their foreheads were touching, and caressed Jake’s neck and shoulder.

Jake took that to mean it was okay for him to touch Danny back, so he did, moving his hand across Danny’s hip and around to his lower back. But it was Danny who made the first overtly sexual move. He slipped his hand down to Jake’s ass and prodded his sphincter, causing Jake to moan with desire. If he hadn’t been horny when he first woke up, he sure as hell was now.

“Is that what you want?” Danny asked quietly.

“Oh God.
Yes
.”

They spoke very little as they made love, as if talking might disturb their tenuous connection. But the feel of Danny moving inside him was pure heaven to Jake. He hadn’t realized how much he’d missed it. It had become a vital need for him in just the few weeks since Christmas, as important to his existence as food and water.

When their lovemaking was over, Danny lay on his chest and kissed him softly. “I’ve missed that.”

“Me too. I’ve missed
you
.”

Danny gazed into his eyes a moment, his expression affectionate but pensive. Then he said, “Let’s talk later today, about where we want all of this to go.”

“I already know—”

Danny stopped him with a finger to his lips. “I think I’ll need to tell you some stuff before I can feel really comfortable continuing with this.” When Jake couldn’t stop himself from frowning, Danny added, “I think I want it. This isn’t me shutting you down. I just need to wait until I’m more awake, so we can talk about some things.”

“Okay.” It wasn’t really okay, but there wasn’t much Jake could do about it. And things were at least looking better than they had yesterday morning.

Danny rolled off him and stood up, presenting Jake with a view of his beautiful, milk-and-honey-colored ass. Jake hadn’t yet penetrated it, but he was getting a strong desire to do so. Being fucked felt so amazing to him, he longed to give that feeling to Danny, if he wanted it. But apparently, it would have to wait.

“I think I’m going to track down my advisor today,” he said, “and see what it would take to change my major.”

“Do you already have your gen eds done?”

“Yeah,” Jake said. “I mean, I know it’s kind of dumb to change things my senior year, but… it should be possible, shouldn’t it? Why should I spend the next year doing something I hate? I don’t have to answer to
him
anymore.”

Danny sat down on the edge of the bed, his warm, naked skin pressing against the skin on Jake’s belly. “You shouldn’t. Do what’ll make you happy.” He gave Jake a wry smile. “Assuming you can find a way to pay for it.”

Jake had been giving that a lot of thought, even before things blew up with his father. “I’m going to Financial Aid today too. I have a 3.8 grade point average. That should qualify me for some grants or something, shouldn’t it?”

“Jesus! My mom would be dancing on the ceiling if I had a GPA that high.”

Jake shrugged. “I didn’t have a life until I came here. All I did was study.”

Since they’d showered just before bed, they didn’t bother to shower that morning. They just dressed to hit the dining hall before their first classes.

But when Jake walked out the door, he heard a familiar voice say, “There’s the little faggot!”

Bobby slammed him against the wall before Jake even saw him.

“What the
fuck
?” The jolt caused Jake to drop his microeconomics book.

Both his brothers were there, and they looked like they wanted to kill something—him, most likely. The bizarre part was that they were both dressed in their business clothes. They were wearing slacks and button-down shirts and ties, as if they were about to head into a meeting.

“What the fuck?” Robbie said from behind his twin. “That’s a good question. What the fuck is wrong with you? Dad says you’re letting some guy pork you up the ass!”