Screwups (19 page)

Unlike Althea’s house, the Gardners had done up their house big for Christmas, and Jake had to admit that he loved it. Althea’s house was peaceful and wonderful in its own way, but he loved the smell of balsam that hit him as soon as he crossed the threshold, and all the paper and foil decorations on the walls, and the stockings hanging near the tree. The tree itself was glorious, with colored lights and tinsel and gold and silver garland—leaning a bit toward the tacky side, perhaps, but Jake loved it.

If Danny was bothered by all the Christian trappings, he gave no sign. He was charming to Jake’s family, as Jake had expected him to be, and judging by Becky’s shy smile, at least one person in the household thought he was cute. It was also a good thing he wasn’t vegetarian like his mother, because except for the cranberry sauce and the apple pie, there wasn’t much on the table without meat in it. Turkey, sausage stuffing, maple bacon green beans with pecans—which were delicious—and zucchini with some kind of chopped up cheesy bacon stuffing. Most of it had been cooked by Jake’s mom, and it was amazing.

After dinner, they opened presents under the tree while Christmas carols played on the stereo. Jake had been tossing ideas around in his head for weeks, trying to think of something to get Danny. He knew Danny hadn’t gotten him anything, and that was cool. But it had been really important to him that he get Danny something for their first—and hopefully not their last—Christmas together. Maybe Danny would think it was stupid. They weren’t even officially dating. But Jake needed to do it. There were times when the love he felt for Danny seemed to fill his whole chest and he felt like he’d explode if he didn’t do something—touch him, kiss him, say, “I love you….”

Or get him a Christmas present.

But what? What would a classical musician want? A CD? Jake had snuck a peek at Danny’s music collection before they left, but he couldn’t make much sense out of it. He could see what Danny
had
, of course, but that didn’t tell him anything about what Danny
didn’t
have. Why were there only four symphonies from some guy named Brahms, but nine from Beethoven? Were some of Brahms’s missing? And would Danny want the missing ones, or was the reason he didn’t have them because he didn’t like them?

Jake had given up on that tack, knowing he’d never be able to figure all that stuff out in time, and skipped classes one day to take the Coast bus into Portsmouth. There were a bunch of touristy shops there selling quaint old-fashioned toys and candles and knickknacks that tried to invoke the feel of an old New England fishing port, and Danny had seemed to like them the last time they were in the city. Jake only had a hundred bucks to spend—his mother had slipped it to him on Thanksgiving, and he’d been holding on to it for Christmas presents—but he’d found something he could afford, along with the other gifts he’d gotten for his mom and his aunt’s family.

When Carl handed Danny a wrapped bundle, Danny looked at him in confusion. “I didn’t think to bring anyone presents,” he said, as if that should disqualify him from receiving any.

“We figured that,” Carl said.

Aunt Margie added, “It’s nothing big. We just hated the idea of you sitting there bored, watching all of us open presents, so we picked you up a couple things. Of course, we didn’t know anything about you, so they’re kind of generic.”

“Thank you.”

Danny opened the wrapping to find a large, gray wool sweater inside. It looked a bit large for him, but at least it wasn’t bright orange or fluorescent green. He seemed genuinely pleased when he said “thanks” again.

“Try it on,” Jake’s mother encouraged. She laughed gently. “We had no idea about your size, so it’s probably a circus tent on you.”

It was large, but not quite a circus tent. Jake thought Danny looked pretty good in it. It was hard to tell if Danny really liked it, but it was clear that he was pleased they’d thought of him. He took the sweater off and folded it neatly, then laid it beside him on the carpet.

It turned out they’d bought Jake an identical sweater, though his fit better, because his mother knew his size.

In the next round of presents, Danny received a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate to Stroudwater Books in Portsmouth, and again Jake received the same thing. That was it for Danny’s presents, but he sat contentedly while the family opened the rest of their gifts until there were just a few left. Then Jake excused himself to run out to the car, where he’d hidden his present for Danny in his backpack.

He brought it back inside, while everyone watched him curiously, and stuck his hand out. “Here. There’s one left for Danny.”

He realized almost instantly that he’d made a mistake doing it that way. He hadn’t intended it to be so dramatic, and now it clearly looked to everyone as if this was something special. The whole setup was practically screaming, “I’m about to give him an engagement ring!”

But it was too late to back out now. Conscious of all the eyes upon him, Jake walked over to Danny and extended his hand. The store had gift-wrapped it for him, so it was basically a cube with little snowmen all over it and a white bow. While Jake took his seat again, Danny unwrapped it and opened the cardboard box inside. Then he pulled out a snow globe.

Jake had always thought snow globes were kind of cute, but he’d never have actually bought one for himself. And he certainly hadn’t gone looking for one for Danny. But the moment he saw this one, he’d realized it was perfect. There were two people inside, walking hand-in-hand through the snow, and thanks to their jackets and scarves, it wasn’t really clear what their genders were. It was most likely a man and a woman, but it could easily have passed for two men. And with the snow falling around them, it had reminded Jake of the first night he’d held Danny’s hand in the snowstorm.

Danny clearly got the reference. He shook it and watched the snow falling on the figures for a moment before he looked up and met Jakes eyes. When he spoke, his voice was unsteady. “Thanks. It’s really—”

Don’t say “sweet,”
Jake pleaded silently.
Please don’t say “sweet” in front of my mom.

“—nice.” Danny smiled, but he was unable to hide the faint blush that had come into his cheeks.

When Jake glanced up at his mother, he saw that she was watching both of them with a thoughtful expression on her face.

Oh shit.

Later that afternoon, when his mom and Margie had been about to tackle the dishes in the kitchen, Jake went in to offer his help. His mother told her sister, “Margie, why don’t you go relax in the living room. Jake will help me.”

Of course, they all knew this was code for “I want to have a talk with Jake,” so his aunt left without protest. Jake’s mom handed him a dish towel and stationed him near the drainer to dry off the dishes she washed.

“I invited your brothers,” she began as she scrubbed one of the dinner plates. “But they refused to come. I think they’re angry with me.”

Jake’s first impulse was to say they could fuck themselves. But instead he replied, “They’ll get over it.”

“I hope so. This wasn’t meant to hurt any of you—not even your father. I don’t hate him. I just can’t… live with him anymore.”

“You don’t have to explain that to me, Mom,” Jake said, taking the plate from her. “I can’t live with him either.”

She smiled at that. “I know. I’ve always thought you and I were a lot alike. Not that you ever loved cooking, or I ever had your artistic talent….”

“Are you kidding?” Jake laughed. “Did you taste that gravy? That was a work of
art
, Mom. It should have been in a museum!”

She paused a moment, as if she were seriously considering the idea. “I guess I’ve never really thought of it that way, but cooking
is
a creative process. One might consider it an art form.”

“Definitely!”

“I wonder…. Maybe one of the local colleges offers classes in gourmet cooking.”

Jake was fairly convinced that his mom could probably teach those classes. But going to college might be a good idea for her. She’d eventually have to go to work, if she was going to live on her own, and there weren’t many jobs out there for a woman who’d been a housewife and mother her entire adult life. “I think that’s a good idea. Maybe you should even start thinking about a degree.”

She turned to look him directly in the eye and gave him a warm smile. “Thank you, Jake. I don’t think… well, a lot of people might have thought I was being ridiculous.”

“You’re not being ridiculous,” he said seriously. “You’re trying to start a new life. And that means thinking about jobs and careers. If you don’t want to be flipping burgers somewhere, you’ll need a degree.”

“Yes.” She turned back to the sink of dirty dishes, but she still had a smile on her face. “I think you’re right.”

They worked in silence for a while, his mom washing while Jake dried, until she said, “I’ve always felt we were pretty close, Jake.”

All this personal talk was starting to embarrass him, but he replied, “Yeah, sure we are.”

“I hope you feel you can tell me things. About things that are going on in your life, I mean.”

He couldn’t respond to that. A lump had formed in his chest, as if he’d forgotten to swallow a piece of the apple pie he’d had for desert. It just got worse when she turned to him again and held out a clean plate for him to dry.

“Jake… there have been things over the years… how upset you were when things fell apart between you and Tom… refusing to go to prom… never dating…. And now the look I saw passing between you and Danny today….”

Jake took the plate from her and his hand was shaking so much he was afraid he might drop it. He tried to swallow as he began to rub the plate with the towel, but his throat didn’t want to cooperate.

“You know, don’t you,” his mother said, her eyes seeming to burn into him, trying to see inside, “that I would never turn you away, no matter what you told me.”

A long silence fell between them. She was waiting for him to tell her what he knew she’d already pieced together. But it was incredibly hard to take that one tiny step.

He couldn’t look at her. “Not even… if I said… I was… gay?”

Still unable to look up at her face, he felt her take the plate out of his hand. She must have set it in the dish rack, because a moment later her arms engulfed him in an embrace. “Oh, sweetheart,” she whispered in his ear, “it’s not a bad thing. I’ve suspected for a long time. I just wanted you to tell me.”

He lifted a hand to touch her arm and felt the knot in his throat loosen enough for him to take a quivering breath. “Thank you.”

T
HE
DAY
seemed to have gone pretty well, though Jake was oddly quiet on the way home.

“Are you okay?” Danny finally asked when it was clear Jake didn’t intend to say anything without prompting.

Jake started, as if he’d forgotten there was somebody else in the car, even though Danny was the one driving. “Huh? Yeah.” He was quiet for a moment. Then he said, “I just came out to my mom.”

“Oh. I guess I missed that.”

“It happened while we were in the kitchen doing dishes.”

That would explain why Jake had seemed distracted all through the rest of the evening. “How did it go?”

Jake sighed and stretched his long legs as much as he could in the cramped passenger seat. “Good, I guess. She said she was cool with it. And she likes you.”

Danny wasn’t sure if he liked the idea of Jake’s mom thinking they were a couple. Or
his
mom, for that matter. All the holding hands in front of people, and kissing in the lounge, and that snow globe…. It was all getting a little out of control. Not that he didn’t like Jake, but….

“You don’t seem very happy about it,” he commented to cover up his own uncertainty.

Jake shrugged. “I just… I didn’t plan on doing it today. It kind of took me by surprise.”

“But she’s cool with it?”

“Sure,” Jake said. “Though she didn’t think it would be a good idea to let my dad find out.”

Danny couldn’t think of anything to say to that, so he just nodded.

J
AKE
LIKED
living at Danny’s house. It was probably the most relaxing place he’d ever been. There was always a sort of hushed feeling, so different from the chaos and noise he’d grown up with. He could stretch out on the carpet in the sun-room with a throw pillow under his head and take a nap or read a book—he was finally on the last book of the Mercedes Lackey trilogy—or just stare up at the wall-mounted tea candles and listen to the ethereal relaxation music Althea liked and forget about everything except how happy he was to be there. It pained him to realize just how much this feeling had been lacking in his own home.

Danny seemed more relaxed here too. It was hard to tell if he was still having nightmares, but there was a subtle lessening of tension in him, as though this was the one place he truly felt safe. It was nice to see.

The remaining three weeks of winter break slipped by in a kind of ethereal haze. Not that Jake didn’t want to go back to school. It was true that his business classes seemed excruciatingly dull these days, but he loved being in Eaton House. It would be nice to see Eva again, and even Paul. The guy was a dweeb, but Jake was starting to think of him as a friend. He just needed a little more coaxing to lure him out into daylight.

Getting laid might help him too. But Jake was hardly an expert. Paul would have to fend for himself on that one.

Speaking of sex, Jake and Danny were having a
lot
of it. Jake was still boggled that Althea was so easygoing about it, but he couldn’t complain. It had been weird for the first few days, but he soon got used to it. They weren’t having sex where she could
see
, of course. They hadn’t even repeated the risky fireplace sixty-nine they’d had on their first night in the house. They kept it in Danny’s room and avoided making a lot of noise, in case Althea might be wandering around in the kitchen. And if there was one thing he’d
really
miss about this place, it was that soft, queen-sized bed of Danny’s. Dorm mattresses were thin, hard, and covered in waterproof vinyl.