Screen Burn (56 page)

The Queen: possibly a lizard,
1
;

appeals  to delusional idiots,
2
;

wears blank  expression on toilet,
1
;

bores nation  with Jubilee,
1
;

sees Blair’s trousers  fall down,
1
;

pitiful viewing preferences  of,
1

A Question Of TV
(BBC1),
1

Rail Cops
(BBC1),
1
,
2

Rasputin: penetrates ham sandwich, 
1

Ray Mears’ Extreme Survival
(BBC2), 
1

Real Sex
(Five),
1

The Real Texas Chain Saw Massacre
(C4), 
1

The Real Winona Ryder
(C4),
1

Reborn In The USA
(ITV1),
1
,
2
,
3

Rice, Anneka,
1

Richard and Judy
(C4),
1

Ricky Butcher (EastEnders),
1

Rider, Steve,
1

Riley, Lisa,
1
,
2

Rippon, Angela,
1

Rivron, Rowland,
1
,
2

The Robbie Williams Show
(BBC1),
1

Robinson, Anne,
1
,
2

Robson, Bobby,
1

Rockface
(BBC1),
1

Rogan, Joe,
1

Rolf Harris At The Royal Albert Hall
(BBC1),
1

Ronson, Jon,
1
,
2

Roslin, Gaby,
1

Ross, Jonathan: upsets doomed puppeteer,  
1

Ross, Paul: patronising soundbites from,
1
;

advice on avoiding,
2
;

as reliable  indicator of quality,
1
;

general sense  of unease about,
1
;

is thankfully  absent,
1

Rowland, Dan,
1

Ryan, Chris,
1

Ryder, Winona,
1

S Club
1
,
2
,
3
,
4

Sadowitz, Jerry,
1
,
2

Sara-Michelle,
1

Sayer, Leo,
1

Scott, Dr Sandra,
1

Scrubs
(Sky One),
1

Scully, Hugh,
1
,
2

Seaman, David,
1

Secret History
(C4),
1

The Secret Lives of Ghosts and Werewolves
(BBC1),
1

The Secret Rulers Of The World
(C4), 
1
,
2

Selina Scott Meets Donald Trump
,
1

Servants
(BBC1),
1

Sex And The City
(C4),
1
,
2
,
3
,
4

Sex BC
(C4),
1
,
2

Sex Empires
(BBC2),
1

Shafted
(ITV1),
1

Shameless
(C4),
1

Shaw, Mark,
1

Shaw, Martin,
1

Sheen, Michael,
1

The Shield
(Five),
1
,
2

Shipwrecked
2 (C4),
1

Shopology
(BBC2),
1

Showbiz Set
(C4),
1

Simm, John,
1
,
2

Simon, Peter,
1

Simply DIY
(Granada Breeze),
1

Simply The Best
(ITV1),
1

Sissons, Peter: booming,
1
;

meeting Roland Rat,
2
;

singing Welcome to  the Jungle,
1
;

bellowing,
1
;

winning  Rear of the Year,
1
;

starring in own detective series,
1
;

describing tragedy,
1
;

more palatable than
Big  Brother
inmate,
342

Six Feet Under
(C4),
1
,
2
,
3

Sky, Rick,
1

Slap Bang With Ant And Dec
(ITV1),  
1

Sleep, Wayne,
1
,
2

Smallville
(C4),
1

Smillie, Carol,
1

Smith, Gordon,
1

Smither, Neal,
1

Snowdon, Lisa,
1
,
2

So You Think You Want Bigger Boobs
?  (C4),
1

Soapstars
(ITV1),
1
,
2

Something For The Weekend
(C4),
1

The Sopranos
(C4),
1
,
2
,
3
,
4

Space
(BBC1),
1
,
2

Spake, Jeremy: pointlessly compared to Christopher Timothy,
1
;

irritates Russians,  
2

Spooks
(BBC1),
1
,
2
,
3
,
4

Stace, Melanie,
1

Stars In Their Eyes
(ITV1),
1
,
2

Starstruck: Holding On
(C4),
1

State of Play
,
1
,
2

Steps into Summer
(BBC1),
1
,
2

Stewart, Alistair,
1

The Story of Doctor Who
(BBC1),
1

Strike: When Britain Went To War
(C4),  
1

Strong, Mark,
1

Suchet, John,
1

Surviving The Iron Age
(BBC1),
1
,  
2

Susan Blake (
Mersey Beat
),
1

Sutherland, Kiefer: early resemblance to backside,
1
;

attempts to get sacked, 
2
;

transformed into action hero,  
1
;

film career of,
1
;

likeness to  Antony Worral Thompson,
1
;

vaults shark, urinates on viewer,
1

Syal, Meera,
1

Sykes, Melanie,
1

Taboo
(BBC2),
1

Tarbuck, Jimmy,
1

Tarbuck, Lisa,
1
,
2

Tarrant, Chris,
1
,
2

Teenage Kicks: Drugs Are Us
(C4),
1

Temptation Island
(Sky One),
1
,
2

Terry and Gaby Show
(Five),
1

Text messages: girlfriends dumped via,  
1
;

uselessness of,
2
;

informing  viewers of sexual activity,
1
;

superimposed  over footage of hills,
1
;

on
Friendly TV
,
1
,
2
;

role in modernised  miner’s strike,
1
;

providing  glimpses into cretinous mindset,
1
;  

enjoyed by knife-wielding teenagers,  
1

Thatcher, Margaret,
1
,
2

Theakston, Jamie,
1
,
2

The Theory of Everything
(C4),
1

There’s Something About Miriam
(Sky One),
1

They Think It’s All Over
(BBC1),
1

This Is Dom Joly
(BBC3),
1

This is My Moment
(ITV),
1

This Morning
(ITV1),
1

Thornfield, Matt,
1

Thornton, Kate: scared of cybermen,
1
;

likened to kitten’s fart,
2

Threlfall, David,
1

Thumb Candy
(C4),
1

Timothy, Christopher,
1

Tipping The Velvet
(BBC2),
1
,
2
,
3

Titchmarsh, Alan: upsets hypothetical children,
1
;

dances moronically,
2
;  

has head grafted onto cat’s body,
1
; 

simultaneously praised and mocked, 
1
;

inspires thousands,
1

Today With Des And Mel
(ITV1),
1

Toilets
(BBC Choice),
1

Tonight Show
,
1

Tonight With Trevor McDonald
(ITV1), 
1

Tonkinson, Paul,
1

Too Posh to Wash
(C4),
1

Top Gear
(BBC2),
1
,
2

Top Ten
(C4),
1

TOTP
2
(BBC2),
1

A Touch Of Frost
(ITV1),
1
,
2
,
3

Touch The Truck
(Five),
1
,
2
,  
3

The Toughest Pubs In Britain
(Sky One),  
1

Trisha
(ITV1): labelled depressing,
1
;

entertains inarticulate bellowing  cows,
2
;

idle fantasy,
1

Tufnell, Phil,
1

Turn On Terry
(ITV1),
1

Turner, Lowri,
1
,
2

The Tweenies
(BBC2),
1

Tynan, Kenneth,
1