Screen Burn (53 page)

Back To Reality
(Five),
1
 

Baker, Tom: has limbs torn off in space,  
1

Bakewell, Joan: scrutinises turgid member,  
1

Bald
(C4),
1

Banzai
(C4),
1

Bargain Hunt
(BBC1),
1
,
2

Barker, Linda: inferior to mop,
1
;

generating chills,
2
;

always cutting  prices,
1

Barrymore, Michael: faintly praised,
1
;

career gone bye-bye,
2
;

conspicuous  by absence,
1

Bashir, Martin,
1

Bates, Simon: mentions sexual swearwords, 
1
;

doomed to play Jason  

Donovan single,
1

Bathurst, Robert,
1

Bazar, Thereza: as fantasy insect,
1
;

sobs, lashes out at humankind,
2

Beadle, Jeremy: gleefully describing  nightclub fire,
1

Beattie, Trevor: inexplicably pleased  with self,
1

Beckham, David: silly haircut,
1

Beckham, Victoria: causes fan to vomit,  
1
;

unavailability of,
2
;

hypothetically  disapproving,
1

Being Mick
(C4),
1

Believe Nothing
(ITV1),
1

Benn, Nigel,
1

Bid-Up TV
,
1

Big Breakfast
(C4),
1
,
2

Big Brother
(C4):
1
;

sadistic influence  of,
2
;

second coming of,
1
,
2
,
3
;

as  celebrity Guantanamo,
1
;

full of  wankers,
1
;

still full of wankers,  
1
;

full of one particular wanker,  
1
;

better in America,
1
;

endured  by populace,
1
;

spawns Jade Goody,  
1
;

more on those wankers,
1
;

 fourth and weirdest series,
1
,
2
;  

residents run out of fags,
1

The Bill
(ITV1): depicted in haiku,
1
;  

adjusting crotch in front of,
2
;

disheartening  unavoidability of,
1
;

as  Dalek training camp,
1

A Bird In The Hand
(C4),
1

Bisson, Chris: philosophical implications  of,
1

Black, Cilla: baffling popularity of,
1

Blackburn, Tony,
1
,
2

Blaine, David,
1
,
2

Blair, Cherie,
1

Blair, Tony: implored to intervene,
1
;  

flirts with scumbag,
2
;

wrestles  naked by fireplace,
1
;

apparent bum disorder of,
1

Blanc, Raymond,
1

Blind Date
(ITV1),
1

Blood Of The Vikings
(BBC2),
1
,
2

The Blue Planet
(BBC1),
1
,
2

Bo’ Selecta
(C4),
1

Body Hits
(BBC3),
1

Body Talk
(C4),
1

Bond, Jennie,
1

Bond, Samantha,
1

Boot Sale Challenge
(ITV1),
1

Bowen, Jeremy: fails to prove or disprove  existence of Moses,
1

Boys and Girls
(C4),
1
,
2
,
3

Branagh, Kenneth,
1

Brass Eye Special
(C4),
1
,
2

Brat Camp
(C4),
1
,
2

Breakfast television,
1
,
2

Breakfast
(BBC1),
1

Briers, Richard,
1

Britain’s Hardest
(Sky One),
1

Brookside
(C4),
1
,
2

Brown, Derren: invited to notional dinner  party,
1
;

plays Russian roulette,  
2
;

makes words disappear by magic,  
1

Brown, Gordon: lesser twerp than Blair,  
1
;

goes all fidgetyknickers,
2

Budweiser,
1
,
2

Buerk, Michael: humiliates self,
1
;  

squints for no reason,
2

Buried
(C4),
1
,
2

Burke, David,
1

Bush, George. W: lying, psychotic drink-driver,
1
;

provoking hollow laughter,  
2

Buxton, Adam,
1

Calf, Paul,
1

Cameron (
Big Brother
),
1

Cameron, Rhona: seems quite nice,
1
;  

inspects Uri Gellar’s pubic thatch,
2

Cannabis Cafes UK
(BBC2),
1

Canterbury Tales
(BBC1),
1

Caribbean Uncovered
(C4),
1

Carrott, Jasper,
1

Casualty
(BBC1): rubbishness of,
1
;  

provides bland template,
2
;

in different  aspect ratios,
1
;

provides bland  template again,
1
;

worse than  
Spooks
,
1
;

anal trauma wing opens,  
1

Catalina,
1

Catterick
(BBC3),
1

Celebrities Under Pressure
(ITV1),
1

Celebrity Big Brother
(BBC1),
1

Celebrity Wife Swap
(C4),
1

Changing Rooms
(UK Style),
1

Changing Tombs
(C4),
1

Chapman, Nicki,
1

Charlie Fairhead (
Casualty
),
1
,
2
,
3

Cheaters
(Five),
1

Chegwin, Keith,
1
,
2

Christian, Terry: presides over car crash,  
1

Church, Charlotte: looks ‘chest swell’,
1
;

encounters farming machinery,
2

Clapton, Dan,
1
,
2

Classmates
(C4),
1

Club Reps
(ITV1),
1

Clunes, Martin,
1

Cold Feet
(ITV1),
1
,
2

Collett, Dr Peter,
1

Collision Course
(BBC2),
1

Commercials: starring angry men,
1
,
2
;

 for pay-as-you-go mobiles and spot  cream,
3
;

apparently promoting lovelessness,  
1
;

starring awkward shop  assistants,
1
;

starring monkeys,
1
;  

starring Jamie Oliver,
1
;

starring  Satan,
1
;

promoting God knows what,  
1
;

“Whasssup?”,
1
;

starring two men  watching another commercial,
1
;  

starring dancing turd,
1
;

insincerity  of,
1
;

Mr Kipling,
1
;

containing CGI  mice,
1
;

promoting Mick Jagger,
1
;  

starring Osama Bin Laden,
1
;

made  in hell,
1
;

promoting tasselled shirts  in nightmare world,
1
;

promoting  football,
1
;

achingly slick,
1
;

starring  Jamie Oliver again,
1
;

containing  sleighbells,
1
;

starring Jarvis  Cocker,
1
;

Halifax,
1
;

belittling  men,
1
;

costing you money,
1
;  

Stella Artois,
1
;

likened to Kim Bauer  storyline,
1
;

designed to terrify,
1
;  

starring Linda Barker,
1
;

targeting  children,
1
;

aimed at wankers,
1

Constantine, Susannah,
1

Coogan, Steve
,
1

Coronation Street
(ITV1),
1
 

costume dramas: five-year ban proposed,  
1
;

five-year ban proposed  again,
2
;

pleas ignored,
1

Counterblast: Switch Off Now
(BBC2),
1

Country House
(BBC2),
1

Cousins – The Monkeys
(BBC1),
1

Cowell, Simon: acts the bastard,
1
;  

makes Dr Fox look dignified,
2
;

challenged  to fight,
1
;

is unavoidable,  
1
;

becomes wearingly familiar,
1

Cox, Peter,
1
,
2

Coxon’s Kitchen College
(Carlton Food  Network),
1

Craven, John,
1

Crime Scene Cleaner
(C4),
1

Crimewatch UK
(BBC1),
1

Crisis Command – Could You Run The Country
? (BBC2),
1

CSI
(Five),
1
,
2
,
3
,
4
,
5

Cullum, Jamie: irritating smug little face  of,
1

Culshaw, Jon,
1

Curb Your Enthusiasm
(BBC4),
1
,
2
,  
3

Curse Of Friends Reunited
(Five),
1

Cutting Edge: Seconds To Impact
(C4),  
1