Science...For Her! (7 page)
FIG. 1.3
If you’re not ready to have children yet,
birth control
is the means by which you can prevent unwanted pregnancies. There are many types of birth control:
condoms, birth control pills, being an ugly bitch,
and the most controversial of all:
abortion
. Gals, to be frank, I’m pro-choice. It just doesn’t make sense to me that a bundle of cells only a few days/months/years old is really a
baby
. Let’s face it, people are just cells until they’re eighteen, and even then they just become cells with a dick attached. Though if life begins at conception, then I can use the carpool lane for the next few days. I had quite a big weekend with a rugby team!
FIG. 1.4
FIG. 1.4
Don’t feel bad if you hate birth control. It’s perfectly normal to not like using birth control. You can’t feel anything when you use a condom! It’s basically like being drugged, without any of the good effects of being drugged! Best part of waking up from a date-rape drug? It definitely WAS a date! No guessing what those texts mean anymore! ;)
FIG. 1.5
FIG. 1.5
But birth control can be fun, girls! Don’t think it has to be all stuffy! There are plenty of fun, flirty ways to keep that baby nonexistent for the time being!
One day you might be thinking, “I can’t have children! I can barely care for myself/my dogs/my two kids!” Then the next day, you’re a shivering wreck, swaddling a yam in baby clothes and singing it to sleep and robbing a sperm bank and sitting on all the full sample cups that you just robbed. That’s your biological clock going off. A woman’s biological clock is just ticking within her (scientists have narrowed down the location within the body to somewhere around the aorta).
Let’s put this complicated biological-clock business into lady-mag terms you can understand. Here’s a fun recipe for how to build a biological clock out of a potato and some other simple ingredients!
HOW TO BUILD A BIOLOGICAL CLOCK OUT OF A POTATO
Literally every woman has a ticking time bomb within them that someday will explode and tell you to have millions of babies like a disgusting spider striped with stretch marks laying a fetid egg sac. This is called a “biological clock.” It might explode when you’re sixteen or it might explode when you’re forty-one (Old Maid much? Didn’t I tell you to leave?! GET OUT NOW! SHOO, BITCH!), but it’s going to happen.
Did you ever make a potato clock in sixth grade? Well, in a variation on the traditional scientific experiment, here are the instructions to make a biological potato clock!
Buy two potatoes on your normal trip to the grocery store. Make sure to ask your husband/lover if he’d like potatoes as well, since if he wants potatoes you should make sure to get enough to make a clock and to give him his potatoes! Yum!
Also ask your man if he’d like any other groceries while you’re there for the potatoes. There’s a good chance he’d like something! Men are very hungry! For example, they sometimes like pita bread!
Get in your car. Make sure to adjust the side mirrors to your level if it’s your husband/father’s car—they are taller than us! Remember to keep your eyes on the road and NOT to readjust your makeup in the mirrors as you drive. Women need to be extra vigilant while behind the wheel due to their inherent lack of spatial reasoning. Plus, your makeup already looks great, girl!
Pull over. You got lost on the way to the grocery store, didn’t you? Just ask a kindly gas-station attendant or barkeep for directions. They’ll be sure to help you if you give a little smile and show a little gam!
Note: If you were assaulted by a gas-station attendant, follow step 5. If you were not, skip to step 6.
Do not shower. Immediately call 911.
You’re at the grocery store! Isn’t this fun? Head to the potato section. Find two potatoes that are particularly large and starchy. If you aren’t sure which potatoes to get, ask one of the greengrocers for help. He’ll love the chance to be of service!
Note: If you were assaulted by a greengrocer follow step 7. If you were not, skip to step 8.
Do not shower. Immediately call 911 after you buy the potatoes that he recommends (he still knows his stuff, after all).
Buy the potatoes. Drive home— carefully! Strap the potatoes into the passenger seat as a precaution, lest you get in an accident on the way home due to your poor spatial reasoning. Don’t become too attached, though—they are NOT your babies! They are potatoes!
Have your husband/father/milkman google “how to make a potato clock” online. It involves nails, wires, etc. Very complicated.
Make him make one for you.
Now’s the part where you set the time. It’s a little subjective—you’re going to have to feel out deep within yourself when you think the all-encompassing urge to have children is going to take full control of your life and mind and body. One thing to look out for is that maybe it’s already happened and the urge you’re feeling within you is a six-month-old fetus. Once you’ve decided on a year and date and time for your biological clock, have your husband set the clock face that he put on your clock when he made it for you.
Note: If you were assaulted by your husband, follow step 12. If you were not, skip to step 13.
