Scattered Ashes (7 page)

Jordan kept watching as she drew closer and closer, stealing his breath with her beauty, and when she'd  come to the front of the sanctuary and the priest had joined their hands, he smiled, telling her he meant this, all of it.  And yet, even as much as he tried not to think about Nicole, he glimpsed the setting sun burning through the sanctuary’s stained glass and wondered if he would always feel this horrible pressure.

He felt himself shaking as the ceremony began, and even though Alyssa probably wore at least two-inch heels, she still only came to his shoulders.  He tried to focus on the words the priest spoke, but it all seemed fuzzy and out-of-focus, as though he were seated on a ride that had spun out of control.  That was probably the worst fear he had, and even beneath the calm of this day, as gift-wrapped as it seemed, he was smart and intuitive enough to sense something amiss.  He just wished he knew how to fix it.

For the last three hours, Nicole had been on the blind date from hell.  She wore a black cocktail dress, and they were sitting in this fancy Italian restaurant.  The guy in question was a little more jock than she usually liked, but the whole evening, he had been nice enough.  He definitely had manners, probably because he was a senior in college and still living at home where his mother could knock some sense into him if necessary.

She couldn’t quite put her finger on where things had gone south.  It had probably started when she’d asked him if he enjoyed reading.  He didn't.  He'd confessed he hated college, and he was only persisting at it because his parents had insisted.  Who in their right mind had something against learning?  She couldn’t fathom it.

Of course, as they sat near the fountain and drank wine, the truth of the matter finally came to her: whether she wanted to admit it or not, thoughts of Jordan Carroway still flitted through her mind, and while most of the time she could distract herself with other things, a memory of him surfaced every so often when she wasn’t focused on something else. It was as though an impression of his face had been embossed into her mind, and now, no matter what she did, he was always with her. 

Granted, she would have liked it better if he hadn’t been engaged and ready to walk down the aisle, but her heart had never been wise, and at least she’d known the score going in. 
Still
, she thought, taking a sip of the wine,
I wonder if he ever thinks of
me?

The answer she always came up with was that maybe she made him laugh from time to time but that really there was no reason for him to think of her.  She had passed through his life, and he had passed through hers.  There was nothing to be done about it, and no matter how hard she wanted to, she could change nothing.

Still, later that evening, as her date kissed her goodnight, Nicole thought of Jordan again and wondered what it would be like to kiss him.  The thought actually shocked her because both of them had tried so hard to keep things on a "friends-only" basis.

After the kiss, she’d headed inside, and Sarah was sitting in front of the television with a huge bowl of popcorn watching
Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
.  For a moment, Nicole just stood there, shaking her head then asked, “What is up with that movie?”

Sarah straightened and shook her head, throwing a popcorn kernel.  “Nothing is up with this movie.  I just happen to like it, Nic.  What’s up with you and married guys?”

Gritting her teeth, Nicole strode into the kitchen, calling back, “Not much, apparently.”  As she pulled out a soda, Nicole rather wished she’d never told her roommate/best friend about Jordan.  It had provided incessant amusement for Sarah, but all it had done for Nicole was remind her of how things hadn’t worked out and how much she wanted them to. 

“So how was this date?” Sarah asked, slipping into the kitchen to grab a can of soda from the fridge.  “Was he cute?”

Plunking down at the table with her drink, Nicole shook her head.  “He was okay, I guess--a jock, which is so not my type.”  She reached up and drew out the bobby pins holding her hair in its ornate twist and enjoyed the feel of the strands falling about her shoulders.

“So are you going to call him?” Sarah persisted, sitting in the chair across from Nicole.

“Let’s see.  I hate football, and he’s a quarterback.  That’s a no.”

Sarah waved dismissively.  “No, not Jock Boy.  Cactus Geek.”

A flush crept into Nicole’s cheeks and she leaned over and tapped her forehead repeatedly against the table.  “Don’t you have any of your own boyfriends you can abuse with horrible nicknames?”

“Nope.  I live through you, Nic.”  She lifted the soda and took a sip.  “So, are you going to call him?”

Leaning over, Nicole pulled off her pumps and shook her head.  “Why would I do that?”

“Oh, I don’t know.  Because you’re dying to talk to him.”  She drummed the table right in front of Nicole.  “And don’t even bother to tell me you aren’t.”

Nicole knew lying was pointless.  Sarah knew her well enough so that no matter what she said, the truth would eventually come out.  “He’s probably married.  Why would this be a good idea?”

“Because maybe he’d enjoy talking to you as well, not that you’d ever admit to finding a guy who is attracted to you.”  She shook her head and went back into the living room.  “I’ll just visit the chocolate factory while you give somebody a little call.

For a moment, Nicole simply stared off into space.  She heard the familiar dialogue of the movie, so her best friend must have canceled the pause.   Although a little voice told her it probably wasn’t a good idea, she pulled out the paper with Jordan’s information on it and pushed his number before she'd run out of courage.  On the first ring, she felt a little panicked, the second ring her get up and start pacing, and the third actually made her nauseated.  She didn’t get to the fourth ring, however,  because a deep male voice said, “Hello.”

“Oh, hey,” she began, already hearing a tremor in her voice.  “Is Jordan there?”

“Speaking.  Who is this?”

“You might not remember me, but it’s Nicole.”  She stopped walking  and stared outside as fireflies darted around like pricks of light here and again, hovering above the ground.

“Oh, hey, Nicole.  I remember you.  You were taking body piercing in a whole new direction, right?”

She laughed as the blush on her cheeks deepened.  “Yeah, that would be me, all right.”

“So how’s your foot?” he asked.

“Good.  It healed really well.”  As she stared through the glass, she noticed her own reflection superimposed over the fireflies, and she could see the hope and fear in her eyes yet didn’t understand why, at that moment, she looked more alive than she ever had.  What was it about Jordan that made her feel this way?

“I’m glad to hear that.  I was hoping you’d let me know.”

“So what’s going on with you.”  She slowly walked over to the chair and wondered what he would say.

“Well, I got married a couple of weeks ago, and I’ve been busy between classes, work, and remodeling the house.”

Part of her sank at the mention of him getting married.  Then again, she had known it was coming.  It shouldn’t have been a surprise.  Her hair slipped into her eyes, and she brushed it back.  “Oh, wow.  Sounds like you’ve really been busy.  No time for canoeing, eh?”

He laughed.  “Nope.  Besides, what fun is there in canoeing if you don’t have a partner who is willing to tip it over for the hell of it?”

His voice was warm, and she could almost see him at the other end, standing on his front porch, maybe,  and smiling as though the moonlight actually had touched him as much as it had her.

“I guess you have a point.”  She wanted to say something else, but nothing came to mind, and the silence between them felt interminable.

“Is everything all right, Nicole?” he asked softly, all traces of laughter leaving.

“Oh, yeah,” she said, plastering a fake grin on her face.  “Everything is just fine.  Really.  More than anything, I just wanted to wish you a great marriage and say thanks again for helping me on the PE trip.”

“Thanks, Nicole.  And if you need something, just give me a call any time, okay?”

“Yeah.”  She nodded as she disconnected the call and sank into a seat, both feeling a warmth streaking through her from talking with Jordan and an emptiness from feeling as though he were lost again.  She didn’t know how long she had sat there, staring into space and replaying the conversation, but she jumped when Sarah ambled through the doorway, her eyes scrutinizing Sarah for clues to the conversation while she sat at the table by her best friend.

“You called him, didn’t you?” she asked, offering Nicole a wicked grin.

“Yes,” Nicole said.

Sarah immediately scooted her chair closer.  “Okay then, out with it--inquiring minds want to know.”

Nicole got up and opened the fridge.  She definitely wasn’t hungry after the lasagna, but she felt empty and figured that maybe seeking some comfort from her misery might make things feel easier.

“It wasn’t that big of a deal.  We just had a low-key conversation.  It wasn’t any big thing, if you want the truth.”  Of course, if it weren't anything big, why was her heart hammering in her chest as though it were going to break out?  Why did she feel so lightheaded and excited?  It had nothing to do with the blind date.  She knew that much.

“So why are you all flushed as though it was important?” Sarah asked, propping her elbow on the table to support her head.  “I mean, you look really guilty of something.”

“It’s nothing, okay?”  Nicole chewed her bottom lip and tried not to think about the exact thing Sarah was pushing so hard for her to focus on.

“Look, sweetie,” Sarah began, setting her hand atop Nicole’s.  “I’m not stupid.  I know you really like this guy.  Even though we both know he’s married, your heart doesn’t seem to be getting that message.  It’s just not ready to hear it.  But you can’t just sit around and compare every guy to Jordan.  Your date will lose every time to somebody you can’t have.”

Nicole swallowed hard and nodded.  “Don’t you think I know that?  It’s not like I want things to be this way.  They just are, and I don’t know what to do about them.”

Sarah picked up the scrap of paper from Nicole and said, “Put this away.  Maybe someday you’ll be ready to just be his friend, but I don’t see it happening any time soon, Nic.  I know you never expected to fall head over heels in love.  You never have before.  But it’s written all over your face.”

Sarah touched her cheeks and felt the flush burning there.  She wanted to argue with her best friend, but she knew Sarah was right.  Instead of arguing, she held out her hand for the scrap.  “Okay, you win.  I’ll put it up somewhere so I won’t be tempted to call.  Happy?”

“It doesn’t matter if I’m happy,” Sarah said, handing back the paper.  “You’re the one who's so stuck on this guy.”

Nicole stood and headed to her room, where she tugged open the closet and stared up at a column of photo boxes.  She used a stool to pull down the top box, and without stepping off the stool, set the paper inside.  Of course, she knew it wouldn’t change anything.  The number was in her phone, and she wasn't about to tell Sarah that.  It would be one thing if Jordan were just a minor distraction, but there was nothing minor about him, and that was the problem.

She looked over at the canvas where she'd started a new painting.  Although she had barely gotten much of the landscaping in, there, in the center of the canvas, she'd taped her inspiration--that picture of her and Jordan on the bridge.  She sighed and gently set the easel into the closet, figuring she'd work on it when Sarah wasn't around to ask questions Nicole didn't have answers to.