Scattered Ashes (15 page)

“Are you ready to throw your whole future away on someone who is still married?  Is that what you want?”

Nicole shook her head.  “No.”

“Then let’s get you ready to walk down the aisle and meet the future where you do belong,” Sarah said and led Nicole back to the mirror so she could clean up the makeup the tears had blurred.  Once the black smudges were gone, Sarah quickly reapplied the makeup and smiled.

“Okay, your face is beautiful, and your fiancé is going to fall head over heels in love with you all over again when he sees you.  Now I have to finish getting me ready.” 

Even though Sarah turned back to the mirror as she started curling the last of her hair, she watched Nicole, a worried frown tugging at her lips.  “Are you okay?”

Nicole nodded.  “I’ll be fine.”

“For a few minutes, I thought I was going to be like a woman on a TV show who had to go out to the crowd and tell them a wedding had to be canceled, not just any wedding, but the wedding of my best friend, who deserves all the happiness about to come her way.”

The door suddenly opened, and both women turned to find Nicole’s father standing there, a huge smile on his face.  “And how’s my baby girl?” he asked, stepping toward Nicole.  His smile deepened when he saw her in the dress.  “Don’t you look beautiful?  Just like your mama.”

Nicole felt relief rush through her as she fell into her father’s arms and lingered there like when she had been small and skinned her knee.  Maybe her father couldn’t make the situation any better, but at least him being around was comforting.

“Everything all right?” he asked, gently pulling away.

“Oh, she’s just got a few butterflies,” Sarah said, coming toward Nicole with the veil.  “She’ll be fine once the ceremony starts.”

Glancing at her father, Nicole wanted to believe everything would be all right because she’d never seen him so happy, as though this one thing were all he’d wished for her and he were thrilled it had come true.  He looked at his watch and back at his daughter.

“I should probably head to the back of the church.”  He offered them both a parting smile and saw himself out.

“We should get this on you,” Sarah said, nodding to the veil.

“Yeah.”  Nicole took a deep breath and sat in a chair so that Sarah could adjust it properly and pin it to her hair.

“Nic, don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t know why you think you’re in love with Jordan.  You barely know him.”

Nicole shrugged and looked at the carpet.  “I don’t know, either.  There’s just a connection there, something I can’t imagine my life being without.”

“And could you imagine it without Michael?”

Nicole stiffened, hating that question.  “Of course not,” she snapped.

“Just checking.”  Sarah touched the front of the veil and stepped back.  “Looks like you’re good to go.”  She eyed the clock. “We should join your dad so we can get this show on the road.”

“Yeah,” Nicole agreed, still feeling those hummingbirds.  It should have helped that she’d made a decision about the wedding, but it hadn’t.  Then again, what had she expected?

The two of them headed into the hallway and turned in the direction of the sanctuary’s back end.  Even as they passed the closed doors of the sanctuary, Nicole could hear the organist playing "Jesu, Desire of Man’s Heart," a piece she’d always loved.  She clenched her teeth, thinking about the moments when she’d picked the music.  She would have liked to have been able to say Michael had picked the music, too, but her fiancé  had been on the road a lot.  Most of the wedding had come about through Nicole’s sheer determination, and she tried to tell herself that it wouldn’t be as difficult when they had married.

But what if it were?  What then?

She took a deep breath. 
This isn’t getting you anywhere, Nicole.
 
Just focus on the ceremony
. 

She brushed a stray hair from her face as they arrived at a room just off the back of the sanctuary and her father looked at them and smiled again.  Above his head, the clock said they had just a few moments before Sarah would start down the aisle and Nicole would follow.  She knew this was her last chance to change her mind, but she couldn’t seem to make herself do that, not anymore.  Somewhere in all this she wanted to believe she had fallen in love with Michael, but it all felt as though she were standing waist-deep amid a powerful river, where the current all but knocked her down, and if that happened, she’d never be able to regain her footing.  At times she had let the current push her along because it kept her standing, but she wasn’t strong enough to go against it. 

The soft strains of music started, the song they’d rehearsed as a cue for Sarah to begin walking down the aisle.  She turned to her best friend and wrapped her arms around her.  “Guess that’s my cue.  Keep your chin up and think happy thoughts, Nic.”

Sarah pulled away, picked up her bouquet, and headed toward the front of the church, where Nicole’s father turned to her.  “Are you ready?” he asked, offering his arm.

“I guess so.”

Nicole stepped to him and took his arm, trying to ignore the panic she couldn’t seem to drive away no matter what she did, and just before she thought she might have it under control, the processional started, and without warning, her dad started leading her into the full sanctuary.  She kept telling herself to walk and keep calm, but even that didn’t work.

Finally, instead of meeting the gazes of those guests, she looked at her intended groom.  Although she’d picked out his black tux, she hadn’t yet seen him in it, and in that moment, Michael's smile reminded her of why she’d fallen in love with him.  She almost stopped walking, but her father kept leading her, his gaze traveling to her face as the only indication he felt her faltering steps.

At the front of the sanctuary, her father gave her away, and while she tried to remember what was being said, her mind blurred as she looked at Michael.  He squeezed her hand once or twice, and she returned it.  Somehow they both got through their vows.  The next thing she knew was that the preacher had announced they were married and Michael gently kissed her before they turned and faced the guests his hand lingering in hers.

Hours later, they lay naked in a hotel room wrapped in each other’s arms.  Although both verged on drifting to sleep, Michael absently twirled a strand of Nicole’s hair around one of his fingers as she rested her head on his chest.  The sound of his slow steady, heartbeat comforted her immensely, and she felt as though she could spend the rest of her life in this position.  Wasn’t that what happiness was?  

“Are you asleep, Nicole?” Michael whispered, brushing his lips across her temple.

“Mmm,” she said, her voice lazy with exhaustion.  They’d been together for a while, but knowing that they were married somehow made it so much better.  Could it be that Sarah had been right--that her misgivings were just shot nerves and fatigue?  She tried to look at him, but her eyes were so heavy it was a struggle to open, them which must mean she was exhausted.

“I just wanted to tell you what a beautiful bride you were and how lucky I am.”  His whisper was rough silk, and he gently nibbled on her earlobe.

She could feel herself falling down the rabbit hole toward unconsciousness.  She wanted to tell him something but couldn’t remember what, so she settled with, “I love you, too.”

That’s when she felt the darkness sweeping her away, so she snuggled closer against him to maintain the warmth, and in response, his arms tightened around her.  Nicole tried, in that moment, , trying as hard as she could to hold on to its magic even if it meant exiling all the memories of Jordan into the dark corners of her thoughts.

Chapter Ten

Three years later

Jordan leaned back in his seat as he sat in the driveway, dreading going inside.  Through the windows, he could see Alyssa setting the table for dinner, and he tried to remember the last time a meal hadn’t been a battlefield, with each of them sitting on opposite sides.

“Damn,” he muttered, unknotting the tie from around his neck and pulling it free so he could undo the first button of his shirt.  While that made him a little more comfortable, it did nothing to allay the sweltering summer.  Sweat beaded on his forehead and ran down his temples until he wiped the runnels away, and he took a deep breath, forcing himself to get out and head inside, knowing it wasn’t going to get any easier.  It never did.

By the time he’d slipped into the dining room, Alyssa had finished setting the table and already put the food out.  Their lives were running on the timetable they always did, but it no longer brought him comfort.  Still, he reached out and stroked his wife’s back as he’d done a thousand times before.

She stiffened at the feel of his fingers and edged away enough so he moved his hand back.  It lingered in the air as though waving before he finally lowered it and stepped into the kitchen to grab a bottled water from the fridge. 

As he sat at the table, he spotted the wine bottle—Alyssa’s usual drink of choice, which had never appealed to him.  He silently waited for her to finish setting out the breadsticks to go with the spaghetti.  The two wordlessly filled their plates, and even though Jordan hoped tonight there would be peace between them, he knew it was an empty desire.  It had been empty for the last year and a half and would continue until something Jordan had no control over suddenly changed.

Or Hell froze over.  He wasn’t sure which would happen first.

“How was your day?” he asked, twisting open the bottle and staring at anything besides Alyssa’s expression.  Everything else was safe.

“How do you think it was?” she asked in an icy tone.  “How is it ever?”  She toyed with her noodles, pushing them around on the plate but hardly eating.  She rarely ate anymore.

Jordan, too, pushed noodles into the sauce and tried to concentrate on eating.  Still, he made the mistake of looking at her and realized she required an answer.  “I’ve told you that if you don’t like your job, if it makes you that unhappy, maybe you need to find a different one.  You don’t need that kind of stress, and you know it.”

She set her fork in her plate and pointed at him.  “You always want to blame everything on my job.  I actually like teaching.”

“I didn’t say you hated teaching.  I think it’s all the administrative crap you can’t deal with, and that makes you….”  His voice died away, and he realized he’d started something he shouldn’t have.  It definitely wouldn’t be going the way he expected it would.

Alyssa rested both hands on the table and glared at him.  “That makes me what, Jordan?  You might as well go ahead and say what you’re thinking.”  Her tone was low and angry.

He leaned back and looked out the window at his neighbor mowing the yard.  For a split second, he wished he were that guy-- anything to get him out of this.  “Look, Alyssa, I didn’t mean anything.  Really.  It’s just that when you come home, you’re upset--really, really upset--and I don’t know how to help you.  I wish I did.”

“Once again we’re back to that.”  She gritted her teeth and got up, carrying her glass with her as she strode to the kitchen.

“I didn’t mean anything,” he said, forcing himself to get up and follow. 

She’d just made it into the kitchen when she whirled abruptly.  “Of course you didn’t.  You never mean anything, do you Jordan?  Nothing that matters, anyway.”

He closed his eyes and took a step back, wondering how they'd come to this road.  He’d known they both wanted children.  He just didn’t know how desperate Alyssa was for them and how angry being unable to have them would make her.

“Please don’t,” he whispered, reaching to take her hand, but she jerked back suddenly.