Scattered Ashes (14 page)

The instructor stepped to the front of the room and started giving instructions for the test, but while Nicole watched his lips move, she y didn’t really hear a world.  She just kept hearing Jordan repeating the same words over and over until she'd wished she'd been deaf.

Nicole completed the test as best she could, feeling as though her mind were in a fog, just like it did when she was sick.  It was like a million puffs of cotton had been tucked into her brain, making her thoughts slow and jumbled.  When she’d answered all the questions, she packed up her stuff and turned in the test, even though she’d only been there half the class time and probably hadn’t answered half of them right.  Then again, she knew it wouldn’t matter how long she kept the test with her mind so distracted.  There was nothing to be done about it.

Although she had an English class after this, she headed back to her car and drove home.  More than once, she had picked up her cell, thinking of calling Jordan, but she managed to keep from doing it somehow, despite the conflicting emotions.  As she pulled into the parking lot of the apartment, she was glad Sarah wasn’t there.  She needed a of chance to think.

As if
that
were going to help.

She rushed inside, thumped her book bag on the table, and headed for her laptop.  Carrying it to the table in the dining room, she set it down and turned it on.  She grabbed her phone again and thought about calling one more time before she forced herself to pretend she was just checking the time before setting the cell on the table next to her book bag.

What did the time have to do with anything?
Once the computer was ready, she logged onto the internet and did something that, up until this point, she had managed to avoid.  She typed Jordan’s full name into Google and did a search.  Although there were more than one results, only one seemed to have anything to do with her Jordan.

Her Jordan?
  Where had that come from?  For a moment, she cradled her head in her hands.  She wanted to laugh about how absurd this whole thing seemed anymore.  And talk about timing.  How was that possible?   Couldn’t he have had his misgivings before she’d met Michael?  The whole thing just left her aching inside as though she’d been involved in a car wreck and everything had been bruised on impact.

She lifted her head and looked at the screen to find the one entry that applied.  Moving the mouse, she clicked on the link, and what came up really wasn’t something she’d been prepared for—a wedding announcement and an image of Jordan and his bride, Alyssa.

For a moment, Nicole couldn’t say anything.  She just stared at the happy couple, focusing on the strawberry blonde to his left.  The woman was so different than Nicole--so petite and perfect.  And Jordan struggled with her?  How was that possible, considering in their wedding photos they had looked so perfect, almost like a storybook couple.

“What are you doing?”  Sarah asked, setting her keys on the counter.

Nicole tried to shut the computer, but Sarah grabbed the screen and stopped her.  Since she couldn’t seem to distract her that way, Nicole asked, “What are you doing home right now?  Don’t you have class?”

“I could ask you the same thing.”  Sarah gave her a knowing stare.  “In fact, I will.  What are you doing here?  And please tell me you aren’t looking at a picture of who I think you are.”  She peered more closely at the screen.

Nicole gritted her teeth.  “I guess that depends on who you think I’m looking at, doesn’t it?”

Sarah turned the laptop so she could scroll down the screen and read the announcement that went with the photo, her eyes widening as she kept reading.  When she'd finished, she glanced at her best friend.

“What?” Nicole blurted, wishing her best friend would just get on with the lecture.  She knew it was coming.

Shaking her head, Sarah walked to the fridge and pulled out a soda.  “I don’t get it, Nicole.  You and Michael seem happy enough and yet you're still looking up photos of him online.  What is your deal?”  She closed the fridge, popped the tab, and took a sip.

Nicole closed the computer.  “He called me this morning.  Apparently his wife was pregnant and miscarried.  The two of them are having some…issues...it would appear.”

Giving Nicole a frown, Sarah slowly slid over to the table and sat down.  “Oh, great--that just gives you more reason to think about him?  He’s still married, Nic, and if he’s the kind of guy you think he is, that won’t change without a lot of pain, and I don’t think Michael is going to wait around forever for you to make up your mind.”

Eyeing Sarah’s soda, Nicole stood and got one for herself.  “And that brings us to the next problem.  Michael has proposed, and I said yes.”  Her voice trembled, and Nicole realized she didn’t even sound like herself, just some stranger.

“He what?” Sarah stood, her frown immediately changing to a brimming smile.  “Nic, that is soooo awesome.”  She flew to Nicole and wrapped her in an embrace.  “You so deserve this kind of happiness!”

Even though Nicole smiled, she felt torn and uncertain.  “But what if this isn’t right?  What if the marriage fails?”  She looked at her best friend, hoping for answers Nicole knew Sarah didn’t have.  No one would have them, she realized.

“Is that why you're looking up pictures of Jordan?”

Nicole reluctantly nodded, and the two of them walked to the table.  “Yeah.  I was on cloud nine last night, and then out of the blue Jordan called this morning with that news.  It shook me--I mean really
shook
me.”

Sarah reached out and set her hand on Nicole’s to comfort her.  “Look, I know some part of you is always going to feel connected to him.  I get that.  I really do.  But you can’t live your life as though some random chance is going to come your way.  It’s not.  And if it does, it won’t be any time soon, Nic.  I think, deep down, you know that.”

Although she wanted to argue with Sarah, Nicole knew without a doubt her best friend had a point.  Granted, it wasn’t a point she wanted to hear, but that didn’t matter.  She just wished talking about this would somehow make her feel better instead of worse.

Chapter Nine

The church was cold, and Nicole shivered, dreading pulling on the long-sleeved wedding dress she had picked out.  Granted, the top did have a sheer overlay studded with numerous pearls.  But she suspected the cold air would just seep right through the thin fabric, and it was so darn tight that it was hard to breathe.

“How are you doing over there with your make-up?”

Nicole turned to Sarah and shrugged.  “I guess I’m almost done.”  She looked back at her eyes and applied shadow to her lids, followed by mascara.  Every time she looked at her reflection, she felt unexplained panic rising inside her.  She didn’t understand.  The only thing she knew was that she couldn’t seem to control it, no matter what she did, and being here, in this church, waiting to walk down the aisle with her daddy only made her feel worse, not better.  Was this about having cold feet?

No, it was about having cold everything.  She shook her head.  “Are you cold?”

Sarah plugged in her curling iron.  “Ummm, nope.  It’s actually pretty hot in here.”

She would say that
, Nicole thought in disgust.  “I’m freezing.”

“Umm-hum,” her best friend said, double-checking her makeup, which made Nicole think she could probably have said the moon was made of grey tapioca and Sarah wouldn’t even have blinked.  There was something about weddings that made everything but the ceremony seem unimportant because everyone was so busy getting ready that things constantly fell by the wayside.  Imagine that.

Of course, as Nicole looked at the intricate braids the stylist had woven into her hair, the thing which kept crossing her mind was that the ceremony was just the top layer of her world, and she felt tremors shaking beneath.   She tried to calm her nerves by touching her hair, but doing so did nothing to allay the fears that maybe, like Jordan, she was making a mistake.  What if she was supposed to be with him?

She stopped toying with her hair and stood, walking around the room until she'd come to the wall with all the windows on it.  As she looked out into the full parking lot, the butterflies in her stomach suddenly turned into frantic hummingbirds beating their wings against her insides.

Nicole’s breath sped up and she clutched at the folds of the dress to still her trembling hands; she felt like she couldn’t breathe, no matter how hard she tried.  All those people here to watch her take vows she wasn’t sure she would ever be okay with.  Her body turned rigid, and she muttered, “I don’t know if I can do this.  I really don’t.”

From her peripheral vision, Nicole noticed Sarah still busily curling her hair.  She even hummed some kind of song, probably a Tom Petty tune because those were her favorites.  So strange.  She could feel the fear building and wanted to scream, but she was stuck with all this silence that gnawed at her until all she could do was breathe--barely.

“Sarah?” she said pointedly, turning slowly toward her best friend.

“Yeah.”  Sarah eased a curl from the iron.

“What if this is wrong?”  She spoke softly, still clutching the dress.

“What do you mean?”  Sarah applied the iron to a new strand of hair.

“What if marrying Michael is wrong and I’m making a mistake?”

At those words, Sarah’s eyes widened as she set down the iron down and stepped toward her.  “Mistake?  How do you figure that?  Michael is gorgeous.  He’s a lawyer, and he’s going to make you one happy woman.  Face it, you are about to get your happily ever after, girlfriend.” 

“I don’t feel that.”  She took a deep breath and folded her arms across her chest.  She wanted to be happy and sure about everything, but she wasn’t, and that just frightened her all the more.  “Maybe I should just call this whole thing off.  Maybe that’s the right thing to do.”  She could feel tears rushing to her eyes, and she knew if she opened her eyelids, they would flood down her cheeks and ruin the makeup she had so carefully applied.  If that weren’t an omen, she didn’t know what was.

“Nicole, sweetie--are you all right?”  She felt Sarah gently wrap her arms around her and draw her close.  “This isn’t like you, and I don’t know where this is coming from.”

For a moment Nicole clung to her best friend as though she were the only secure thing in the storm whirling around her.  She didn’t know where this was coming from, either.  It felt good just to stand there, but she knew that the hands of the clock were going to keep moving, and that no matter what she would have to make a choice.

Trying to gather strength, Nicole slowly pulled back.  Her whole body ached, and she felt as though she were going to break under the weight of her heart.

Sarah frowned and put her hands on Nicole's shoulders.  “Nicole, you need to talk to me.  We don’t have much time before you’re supposed to be walking down that aisle.  Your makeup is a mess, and I worried.”

“What if he’s not the one I’m supposed to be with?” Nicole asked softly.

“This is about Jordan, isn’t it?”

Nicole didn’t say anything but the tears streaming down her face said far more than she ever could.  

“Nicole, he’s just a part of your past, someone you met once and left behind.  That’s the way it’s supposed to be.”  Sarah wiped at the tears.  “You’ve got so much ahead of you, and you have to keep that in mind.  Jordan was one day of your life.  That’s it.  How many days has Michael been by your side?”

Nicole also dabbed at her eyes.  “I know.  I know.  But some part of me always feels like he’s the one.  I don’t get it either.”