Scary Rednecks & Other Inbred Horrors (15 page)

“Nothing,” Judd said quickly and grinned.
 
“Toss me a beer, bitch.”

Kenny Joe shook his head and looked at his rotund, bearded brother.
 
“You hear this guy?
 
Called me a bitch.
 
Anyone calls me that and expects a beer has got some serious problems.”

“I must agree,” Bailey said, grabbing his own beer and cracking it open.
 
He took a long sip, his eyes rolled back in a way that could only be described as ecstasy.

Judd walked over to the cabinet and grabbed a bottle of Jack Daniels.
 
“Fuck the both of you.
 
I’m going to be needing the harder stuff tonight, anyway.”

“Good,” Kenny Joe said, sitting down on the case.
 
“More beer for me then.
 
So where we going tonight?”

“I figured we’d just hang out here,” Judd said, taking another long swig of the whiskey.
 
“There’s a good game on tonight anyway.”

As the night went on, Judd continued to hit the bottle of Jack Daniels until it was nearly empty.
 
Every time Judd would catch Max staring at him, he would glare until Max would look away.
 
By the time the game was over, Judd had passed out against the sofa, the bottle of JD still clutched protectively in his hand.

“So then I grabbed that fat bastard by his fucking hair and demanded he sing me a good song,” Kenny Joe said, crunching up his beer can.
 
He threw it to the floor where it bounced between Judd’s legs.

Max grinned and took a sip of his beer, staring at the discarded can and trying desperately not to think of Judd’s pussy.
 
“This is too rich.
 
What song did he sing?”

Kenny Joe smirked.
 
“I’m getting there, man.” He looked over at his brother, who was fingering the belly button on his enormous gut.
 
Bailey picked out a piece of red and blue lint and tossed it into Judd’s hair.
 
“Throw me a brew, bro.”

Kenny Joe caught the beer, cracked it open with a
snap
and continued.
 
“So this
snaggle
-toothed bastard looks me in the eye and goes, ‘I
ain’t
singing shit to you, you redneck,
cretinous
piece of white trash.’”

Max and Bailey gasped.
 
Kenny Joe nodded, agreeing wholeheartedly with their surprise.
 
“Yep,” he continued.
 
“The nerve of this bastard.
 
So I pulled out my Colt .45, cocked it and stuck it to the side of his head.
 
I gave him a big old shit-eating smile and said, ‘Let’s hear some of that sweet voice.’”
 
He paused dramatically and watched with satisfaction as his two friends leaned in for the climax of the story.
 
“His eyes sort of turned to the right side of his skull as if he was trying to look into the barrel of my Colt sideways.
 
He pauses for a moment, and then he sings in the sweetest voice you ever did hear, ‘I got
sunshy-yee-ine
on a cloudy day.
 
When it’s cold outside, I got the month of May.’”

They all detonated into laughter.
 
Bailey fell to the floor, holding his jiggling belly, a sight that only made them roar all the harder.

Max was wiping a tear from his eye.
 
“You’re the man, Kenny Joe. That was fucking perfect.
 
That fat bastard had it coming to him all year.”

Kenny Joe stared down at Judd and burped.
 
“Look at him sleeping already.
 
Looky
at the way his eyes go back and forth underneath his eyelids.
 
That means he’s dreaming.”

“Dreaming of Mr. T,” Bailey said as they all exploded into laughter again.

“Them bats is smart, they use radar!” they all screamed simultaneously.

Judd rolled over from his side to his back and muttered, “Fuck all of you.”
 
They stared down at him quietly until they again broke out into howling hysterics.

“Poor Judd,” Kenny Joe said, gazing down at his friend affectionately.
 
“The man just can’t catch a break.
 
Snake bites to the dick.
 
Anal probes in the ass.
 
Crazy ass elephants
runnin
’ amok.
 
The man must have pissed off Jesus or
somethin
’.
 
What else could happen to the guy?”

Max was quiet for a moment and then sighed.
 
The secret was just too big to keep to himself.
 
He told his friends the story of Judd and the pussy stick and watched their faces.
 
“Apparently, poor Judd thought this stick would make every woman that he wanted just throw themselves at him.
 
The way he tells it, he just had to have this stick.
 
Now he comes home, falls asleep, and wakes up with this hairy pussy.
 
Fucking disgusting, man.
 
People should not screw around with voodoo women.”

Kenny Joe and Bailey watched Max for a few seconds, turned simultaneously to Judd’s crotch area, and then looked back to Max’s face.

“You don’t hardly expect us to believe that, Max,” Kenny Joe said.
 
“We may be drunk and gullible, but we aren’t
that
drunk and gullible, man.”

“Go on and look for yourself, man,” Max suggested.
 
“He won’t wake up.”

Kenny Joe and Bailey crept up to where Judd lay on the floor, his mouth open as he mumbled something in his sleep, a line of drool streaming down the side of his face.
 
They looked over at Max as if to seek permission and he nodded like a wise man.

“You do it,” Kenny Joe said to his brother as he pulled at his thick beard nervously.
 
“I
ain’t
never unbuckled a man’s pants, and I don’t intend to start now.”

“Fuck that,” Bailey said, backing up.
 
“You do it.”

“I
ain’t
doing it.”

“Well, I
ain’t
fucking doing it neither.”

Max snickered.
 
“It’s not like he has a dick.
 
If he
ain’t
got no dick, he
ain’t
much of a man, is he?”

“Whether he has a dick or not is still debatable, Max,” Kenny Joe said. “I still don’t believe your ass.
 
You have a tendency to fuck with me a lot.
 
I still remember that time you had me convinced they were going to bring the
Dukes of Hazard
back.
 
That pissed me the hell off.
 
That was totally evil on your part.”

“They did do a TV movie, though, remember?”

“Yeah, but it was disappointing.
 
They was all old and it didn’t even have Boss Hog.
 
You can’t have a Hazard County without no Boss Hogg.
 
It
ain’t
right.
 
It’s like Crazy Horse without Neil Young, it just don’t work.”

Max got up and stepped over to where Judd lay.
 
“Oh for Christ’s sake, move out of the way.” He undid the button of Judd’s Levi’s and unzipped the fly.
 
He grabbed the jeans at the cuffs and pulled them down until they reached Judd’s ankles.
 
The area where Judd should have had a bulge in his underwear was flat and he gestured towards the crotch.
 
“Go on and look.”

Kenny Joe reached down and placed his finger under the waistband of the underwear, pulling cautiously, almost as if he was awaiting the strike of the deadly snake that had once terrorized his friend.
 
They stared at the pussy in dumb confusion before fleeing to the furthest corner of the room.

“Holy shit, bro!” Kenny Joe howled, eyes wide. “That’s fucked up!”

“I must agree,” Bailey said, nodding up and down rapidly.

“No shit,” Max said, frowning down at his passed out friend.
 
“We need to go and put the fear of God into that voodoo woman for doing this to him.”

Kenny Joe shook his head.
 
“No fucking way, man!
 
She took his dick! What if she does the same thing to us?
 
Maybe switches our dicks around or something, gives you Bailey’s dick and I get yours.”

“That best not happen,” Bailey said, rubbing the bulge in his jeans. “My dick is massive.
 
The eyes widen when I bring it out.”

Max sniggered.
 
“How would you know?
 
You can’t see it with that gut.”
“I use a mirror.
 
Plus I can see it in their eyes.”

“He
ain’t
lying, Max.
 
It is pretty damn big,” Kenny Joe said.
 
“I used to be very envious until I accepted it.”

Max shook his head.
 
“Let’s not go there, man.
 
This conversation is getting uncomfortable.
 
Let’s take the pussy stick back to the voodoo woman and ask her to take off the curse.”

The men reluctantly agreed, still afraid of the consequences of messing with such scary voodoo magic.
 
It was a visit they would rather not have taken.
 
The voodoo woman had frightened them greatly.
 
As they drove back to Judd’s, Bailey kept putting his hands to his pants to see if his penis was still there.

What they learned was something that would disturb them until the day they died.
 
They drove back to Judd’s house with haunted eyes, saying very little as the music of Hank Williams wafted through the truck.
 
The words to “
Lost Highway
” had always meant something special to them.

“All’s I know is I’m not the one who’s
gonna
do it,” Kenny Joe said, as they pulled up in front of Judd’s place.
 
“No fucking way.
 
No fucking how.”

“I must agree,” Bailey said as they got out of the truck.

“We’re drawing straws,” Max growled. “You guys have been his friend as long as I have.
 
Also, I’m the one who bailed him out of the snakebite incident.”

Judd was sleeping peacefully on the floor, jeans still pulled down to his ankles.
 
His hand was resting comfortably over his crotch.

They sat on the couch, each of them trying desperately to think of a way to escape.
 
They stared down at their passed-out friend and tried to make him somehow appealing, but it just wasn’t happening.

“Why can’t we just forget about the whole thing?” Kenny Joe suggested.

“Because the voodoo woman said one of us has to have intercourse with him to cure him,” Max said, grabbing another beer.
 
“We can’t just leave him like this.
 
He’s our friend, man.
 
He’s been our friend since grade school.
 
If the situation were reversed, he would be helping us.”

“What if we catch the pussy?” Kenny Joe asked, his voice quivering.

“What in the hell you talking about?” Max asked.

“Well, it’s like a disease,” he explained. “What if we have sex with him and one of us catches the pussy disease?
 
I admit if I woke up with a pussy I would play with it a lot, but it would get old real fast, man. Real fast. Don’t they have to use a douche on that thing all the time so that it don’t stink? And tampons too?”

“The voodoo lady said if we do this, then Judd will get his dick back.
 
She was very clear on this.”

“Aren’t you afraid this will make us gay, though?” Kenny Joe asked. “That’s terrifying.”

Max took a long swig of his beer before answering.
 
“Listen, my friend.
 
Judd has no dick.
 
Therefore, he’s not a man, right?
 
Isn’t the general definition for being a woman, having a vagina?
 
So how can it be gay?”

Kenny Joe gaped down at his rotund and bearded friend.
 
“Well, he sure
ain’t
no woman, or if he is, he is the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.
 
Talk about falling down the ugly tree and hitting every branch on the way down.”

“That poor bastard built himself a tree house and fucking lived up there for years before falling out,” Bailey added.