Scary Rednecks & Other Inbred Horrors (6 page)

Five minutes later, they were standing around Judd’s sleeping bag looking at him the way men looked at their dying comrade in those old war movies.
 
There were tears going down Judd’s face.

“Oh
now
, don’t cry,” Max said. “We’ll figure something out.”

“If that snake is poisonous, you’re screwed, bro,” Kenny Joe said, looking down his friend as if he was already dead.

“I must agree,” Bailey said.

“You two aren’t helping any!” Judd hissed, cringing as the snake tightened around his testicles, squeezing them.

“It’s probably not even poisonous,” Max suggested, watching his friend’s ashen face in the lantern light.
 
“Probably just some garden snake.
 
Did it rattle?”

“I don’t think so,” Judd said.
 
“But you know my hearing has been screwed all day since Kenny Joe blew off that shotgun too close to my ear.”

“Sorry about that,” Kenny Joe said, looking genuinely remorseful as he stared down at the crotch area of the bulky sleeping bag.

Judd’s eyes widened as the snake circled around his penis and he tried to hide his embarrassment as the physical movement brought him to a semi-erection.
 
“Oh dear Lord, I’m being punished for what you said about Jesus.
 
I’m going to die in this tent.”

“That’s just stupid,” Max said. “It’d be my dick that snake would be around then.”

Kenny Joe stepped back a little.
 
“The Lord, he works in mysterious ways.”

“I must agree,” Bailey said, poking his finger into his round belly.

Judd tried his best not to scream at the top of his lungs.
 
“Can you two please get the hell out?”

Max stepped forward.
 
“Ok, Judd. I’m going to try and pull the sleeping bag off of you, maybe then we can at least see the bugger and get him out.”

Judd grimaced as the snake moved yet again.
 
“Okay, but do it slow, man.
 
This is my life we’re playing with here.”

Kenny Joe and Bailey stood together, their breathing held in check as they watched Max approach the sleeping bag.
 
Max looked like a soldier entering battle, teeth clenched, his face a mask of grim determination.

Judd bit his lip as Max gently pulled the sleeping bag off his body.

A rattling sound emitted from between Judd’s legs.

“Oh my god,” Judd whispered.
 
“You may as well just kill me now.
 
It’s a rattler.”

Max just mouthed ‘Oh God’ over and over as he stared down at the sleeping bag.
 
“You know I’m scared of snakes.
 
Oh god.
 
Should I keep pulling?”

Judd nodded, a bead of sweat running down his forehead.
 
Max took a deep breath and cautiously pulled the sleeping bag from his friend.

The snake rattled again.

All the men stopped breathing, too scared to exhale.
 
Max didn’t stop though, he continued his mission bravely.
 
A half a minute later, he had the sleeping bag down just over the crotch of Judd’s undulating boxers.

“That shit wouldn’t have happened had you worn briefs like a real man,” Kenny Joe observed.

“It looks like his dick is taking on a mind of its own,” Bailey added.

Judd didn’t even hear them.
 
Instead he looked down at his crotch in pure terror, his sweat-drenched face dripping down his neck.

The snake squirmed around in his boxers as if it was trying to get comfortable.
 
For a brief second, the snake poked its head out of the hole and stared at the men with unblinking eyes, its forked tongue flickering around menacingly.
 
It vanished back inside.
 
The small rattle sack was sticking out of Judd’s boxers just so.

“I’m going to try and pull it the hell out,” Max said, as he heard both Kenny Joe and Bailey exhale in fear.
 
“This is going to be downright scary.
 
For one thing, what am I supposed to after I’ve pulled the damn thing out?
 
Kenny Joe, go grab that bitch-be-quick-stick.”

The bitch-be-quick-stick was Max’s lucky walking cane.
 
He brought it with him on every outdoor excursion he could, using it to make clearings and even sometimes kill snakes that scared the hell out of him by slithering in his path.
 
Kenny Joe returned in seconds with the stick.

Max held it in his hands, feeling its power.
 
“Okay, Judd.
 
I’m going to pull this thing, but quick.
 
We can only hope she don’t bite you.”

The only sound that could be heard was the crackling of the campfire.
 
Max reached slowly towards the rattle that stuck out from Judd’s crotch, his fingers shaking in the air.

“God, god, god, god,” Judd chanted as Max’s fingers came dangerously close to the snake’s tail.

“Get ready, Judd,” Max said, his fingers only inches from the rattle.
 
“I’m
gonna
pull this bastard away from you.”

With a flash of speed, Max wrenched the snake away.

Judd shrieked and curled up into a fetal position.
 

Max tossed the snake into the corner of the tent and whacked it with the bitch-be-quick-stick as his friend screamed. Within seconds, the small rattlesnake was nothing but a bleeding mass of bone and flesh.

“It bit me on my dick!”
 
Judd shrieked as the men’s faces instantly lost all blood and went totally white.
 
“My dick!
 
I’m fucking dead!
 
I can already feel it killing me.”

“Oh shit,” Max exclaimed, his knees nearly buckling out from underneath him.
 
“What the hell we
gonna
do?
 
It will take at least an hour to get you to any hospital.”

Kenny Joe knew what Max had to do.
 
“You’re
gonna
have to suck the poison out, bro.”

“I must agree,” Bailey said, staring down at Judd’s shaking form.

“No…goddamn…way,” Max said, shocked to his core at the suggestion.

“Fucking bit me in the dick!” Judd shrieked.
 
“Fucking dying!
 
Fucking help!”

Max shook his head.
 
“I can’t even believe I’m considering this.
 
Sucking another man’s dick.
 
Oh Christ, I can’t.”

“We won’t tell anyone, Max,” Kenny Joe said, as his brother nodded. “You got to save Judd, that sure as hell won’t make you no fag.”

Max nodded, his stomach wrenching.
 
What a night this had turned out to be.
 
“Judd, I’m going to have to suck that poison out.”

Judd stopped crying.
 
His face seemed to drop to an even whiter shade than before.
 
“Uh…what?”

“If I don’t suck it out, you’re
gonna
die.”

Judd put his hand over his by now hugely swollen penis.
 
“No way, man.
 
Screw that shit.”

Max looked at the enlarged member.
 
“Look, you think I want to do this?
 
Now don’t be an asshole and let me suck your dick.” He paused for a moment.
 
“Uh…did I just say that?
 
What I meant to say was I can’t just sit here and let you die.”

Judd shook his head violently.
 
“Max, you
ain’t
gonna
suck my dick and that’s final.
 
I can’t even believe we are having this conversation.”

Kenny Joe coughed and pulled a buck knife from his pocket.
 
“Well, there is one other way.”

Judd nodded, sweat dribbling down his neck and into his drenched shirt.
 
“I’d rather have the thing cut off then have it sucked by my best friend.”

Max sighed heavily.
 
“Man, you are insane.”

Kenny Joe opened the knife and wiped it off on his pants.
 
“Look, after we cut it off we can just rush him to the hospital.
 
We can put it on ice and maybe they can get the poison out and save it.”

Bailey waved his arms as if he had an idea.
 
“Hey! Remember that Old Pete’s wife?
 
Aren’t they camping about twenty minutes away?
 
Maybe she’ll suck it out!
 
She may be an old hag, but I’m sure it’s like riding a bike.
 
She probably get the poison out, but quick.
 
And it’s
gotta
be a plus that she got no teeth, right?”

There was silence in the tent as they all just stood there looking at Bailey.

Kenny Joe walked over to where Judd’s penis jutted out of his boxers.
 
“Okay, Judd. Let’s do this quick.”

Judd screamed.
 
“Wait!
 
Can’t I at least get some ice on this fucker?
 
Christ, man, what the hell do you think I’m made of?
 
This shit’s going to hurt!”

Max ran out and came back in with a handful of ice.
 
Judd winced and bit his lip as the ice began to take effect.

“I once knew this woman who did some amazing things with ice,” Bailey said, curling his mustache as he studied the swollen penis.
 
“This reminds me of that.”

Once again, there was silence in the tent.

Judd held his penis out.
 
“Okay, let’s get this over with.”

Kenny Joe put the knife against the penis as every man in the tent winced and unconsciously held their crotch.

Then he began to saw.

Judd screamed so loud that Max felt his eardrum had exploded.
 
“What the are you doing, asshole!
 
Don’t fucking saw it! OH MY GOD
OW
!”

Blood ran down Judd’s fingers and into the ice.
 
Bailey walked out of the tent and vomited into the grass.

Judd snatched the knife from Kenny Joe’s hand.
 
“Give me that!
 
I’ll do it!”
 
He put the knife to his bleeding penis and held his breath.
 
“Oh god, I can’t do it.
 
Fuck it, Max.
 
Suck the poison out.”

Max grimaced. “You sure, man?
 
I’m not so sure I can do this now that I been thinking about it.
 
It will make me feel queer.
 
Not just queer as in fag, but queer odd.”

“What, and you think I want you to do this?”
 
Judd asked, rubbing his bleeding penis with a piece of ice.

Max looked like he was about to cry.
 
“This is a nightmare.”
 
He looked over at Kenny Joe.
 
“Go grab me that Jack Daniels.”

Kenny Joe left the tent and returned instantly with the half-full bottle of JD.
 
Max took it and drank hungrily, bubbles shooting up in the bottle.
 
He handed it to Judd who also took a heavy sip.

Max got down on his knees and leaned over the swollen penis, his stomach feeling as if a little fat man was disco dancing around inside.
 
He looked for the fang holes, gritted his teeth, and closed his eyes before bringing his mouth to Judd’s member.

Judd looked down at the top of his friend’s head and cried.
 
The sight of his best friend’s face buried in his crotch was the most disturbing thing he had ever seen.

Kenny Joe and Bailey peeked into the tent forty-five seconds later and watched the surreal sight of one of the most macho men they knew giving a blow job.
 
It took Bailey two weeks to stop shuddering when he thought about it.

“That’s just wrong,” Kenny Joe said, wanting to turn away, but watching anyway.
 
“There
ain’t
no way we can keep this to ourselves.”

“I must agree,” Bailey said, nodding his head up and down rapidly.