Saying Goodbye, Part One (Passports and Promises Book 1) (10 page)

“I’m sure it has to do with Dylan,” said Bethany in a singsong voice. “She wants him to looooooove her.”

I cringed. I hadn’t told them about my feelings for Dylan or his for me. She was right, though. My wish was about Dylan, but it wasn’t what she thought.

I didn’t wish for him to love me. I wished I could love him.

Gabriela laughed at the look on my face. “I think you nailed it, Bethany.”

“Shut up and give me some pizza,” I said. “And you guys almost set off the smoke detectors with all those candles.”

Bethany hugged me around the neck and kissed the top of my head with a loud
smack.
“It isn’t our fault you’re getting so old.”

We ate the pizza and cupcakes for dessert from my favorite bakery. Gabriela gave me a beautiful scarf, which I promptly wound around my neck, and Bethany gave me a travel guide to Japan.

“Just in case you get lost,” she said, handing me a wine cooler. Gabriela snorted. It was a standard joke between us. I had no sense of direction at all. I hugged the book to my chest.

“Thanks, guys.”

We decided to straighten my ridiculous hair, an absolute chore. It took up way too much time and I only did it on very rare occasions. Today was one of those occasions, and I was surprised at how long it was, stretching well past the middle of my back and nearly hitting my bottom.

“Holy cow,” said Gabriela, as she pulled the straightener through my hair. “Your hair looks gorgeous.”

I turned around, letting it swing against my back. I looked like a different person. As I pushed my hair behind my ears, Bethany noticed my earrings.

“Those are beautiful,” she said, leaning forward to get a closer look.

“Dylan gave them to me.”

Gabriela and Bethany exchanged a long look.  I studied each of their faces, trying to figure out what they were thinking. I didn’t have a clue.

“What is it?”

Gabriela looked guilty, a sure sign they’d been discussing me. Bethany took a swig of her wine cooler, and then spoke.

“We’re a little worried.”

“About what?”

Gabriela wrung her fingers, a new habit. She’d joined a support group, at the suggestion of her therapist, and although she’d lost a bit of weight and had panicky moments, she slowly edged back to normal. Or at least a new version of normal.

She was doing amazingly well, but tonight marked the first time she’d venture away from the safety of her apartment and go out to a bar. I wondered if she was nervous. She barely touched her wine cooler. I reached for her hands.

“We don’t have to go out, Gabriela. We can stay here.”

“It’s not that. We’re worried about
you.
”

“Me?”

She nodded, her eyes huge in her face. “About you and Dylan.”

“You’re getting awfully serious, and it’s happening so quickly,” said Bethany. “He’s kind of…taking over your life.”

They weren’t wrong about that, but I had to let them know I had it under control. “We’ve talked about it. He understands.”

Bethany let out a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness. We were really glad when you suggested going out with just the girls tonight. We thought you needed a Dylan-free night. Or two.”

I yanked on a lock of my hair. “Well…about that…”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “What?”

“It’s not entirely Dylan-free. He’s going to meet up with us later.” I winced, hoping they wouldn’t be mad. “He won’t show up until after the party at the Sig house, so it’ll be really late.”

“It’s fine,” she said, not quite able to meet my eyes.

Gabriela didn’t have the same problem. She turned me around and stared at me, unafraid to hold my gaze.

“As long as it’s what
you
want, we’re fine with it. But if it’s something he pushed you into, or manipulated you into, then we have a problem with it.”

Gabriela had learned a lot in a few short weeks with her counselor and her support group. If I had been wiser, I would have listened to her, or at least been more honest. Instead, I lied.

“It’s what I want. Really.”

As we stepped out onto the street, our skirts a bit too short and our heels a bit too high, I forced myself to laugh and joke around with my friends, trying to ignore the worry that had somehow taken up a permanent residence in my heart. Already a little buzzed from the wine coolers, I planned to do something I normally didn’t and get completely and totally trashed.

We turned a corner, and the moon came into view, a giant, fat, full harvest moon, hanging low and heavy in the night sky. Nearly red in a color, it looked so startlingly beautiful it made us gasp and come to a complete stop in the middle of the sidewalk.

“It’s gorgeous,” whispered Gabriela.

She linked her arm with mine, and then Bethany did the same, grinning at me. “It’s a good sign. We’re going to have fun tonight.”

I smiled and let them lead me toward the bars, but my eyes kept going back to the glorious, glowing moon. It didn’t look like a good sign. It looked like an omen.

CHAPTER TWELVE

T
he best bars were mainly found in the center of town, near a grassy park with a fountain in the middle called Porter’s Square. Filled with tall trees and benches, it was quiet and peaceful during the day, but at night it teemed with activity.

The brick buildings facing the park contained bars, restaurants, and live music venues. Most had a rather relaxed attitude toward underage drinking, especially for female co-eds. As long as everyone behaved, the police usually stayed out of it, too.

We always started at Hemingway’s and circled through the bars in a clockwise manner. It had been my idea, of course. I liked doing things in a clockwise manner, whether cleaning or bar hopping. Bethany said I had issues. She may have been right.

By the time we got to Peter’s Pub, I was well on my way to being sloshed. Several of my Theta sisters had joined us, and we danced and drank and had a blast.

“I love you, Bethany,” I said, pulling her into a stranglehold of a hug. I grabbed Gabriela, too. “And I love you, Gabriela.”

I got a little teary as I looked around the room. “I have the best friends in the whole world. I love you all so much.

Gabriela giggled. “You love everyone when you’re drunk.”

I took another long sip of my Long Island Iced Tea and then frowned, trying to focus on Gabriela’s face. “Not everyone.” I leaned forward, nearly falling off the barstool to whisper in her ear. “I don’t love Dylan.”

She looked shocked. “You don’t?”

I shook my head, not a good idea. Everything sort of swished around and it took a few minutes before I could answer. “I
should
love him. I don’t know why I don’t. I love sleeping with him. He’s so good in bed. Really good. And he has a very big…”

Suddenly, Max appeared right in front of me and I screamed and threw my arms around his neck. “Max. I missed you.”

He laughed and gave Gabriela a look. “She’s trashed.”

Gabriela agreed. “And she loves everyone.”

“Not everyone,” I said. “I don’t love…”

Gabriela covered my mouth with her hand and whispered in my ear, “Don’t say it, Sam. Not to Max and not when you’re drunk.”

She was right, but I felt so happy to see Max. Unbelievably happy. I grabbed his arm and pulled him out onto the dance floor, teetering in my heels. “Dance with me,” I said.

“Your wish is my command, birthday girl.”

We danced for a few minutes, and were soon joined by Bethany and Gabriela. I was having a blast, and all was going well, when all of a sudden, everything felt strange, too hot, and too noisy, and too many bodies pushing against me. Max watched me carefully. I tried to focus on his face, not easy to do when the floor tilted and everything spun around me.

“I don’t feel so good.”

Max put an arm around my waist. “I’m going to take her outside for a minute to get some fresh air. Can you grab her a glass of water?”

Gabriela nodded and headed straight for the bar. Bethany went to look for my sweater. Max led me outside, to the alley behind the pub. The night air was deliciously cool on my hot face, and soon I felt just a little better. I leaned against Max, putting my head on his shoulder.

“Thanks, Maxie.”

“I thought I told you not to call me that. It makes me sound like a feminine hygiene product.”

“Sorry, Maxie.”

I closed my eyes and swayed. “Whoa,” he said, wrapping his arms around me. I slid my hands around his waist.

“Why exactly did we break up?”

He stared at the star-filled sky. “Because I was an idiot.”

I nodded very seriously. “I know you’re an idiot, but I can’t remember why we broke up.”

He brushed a strand of hair away from my face. “We didn’t love each other.”

“Oh, yeah. A very good reason.”

I put my face into the curve of his shoulder and breathed in his scent, so different from Dylan’s and yet so familiar. I sighed and started kissing my way up his neck.

“Uh, Sam,” he said softly. “What are you doing?”

I didn’t answer. I worked my way up until my lips found his mouth. He groaned and cupped my face in his hands, kissing me back.

“We shouldn’t be doing this,” he said between kisses.

“I know.” I pushed my body against him, and his hands automatically went to my hips, holding me close.

“Oh, Sam. I missed you.”

The door to the pub opened and then slammed shut. Max jumped away so quickly I nearly fell. Gabriela stood there with a glass of water in her hand and a shocked expression on her face. Max reached out to steady me.

“Thank goodness,” he said. “I thought it might be Dylan.”

“Yeah. That would be bad.” She gave Max the glass of water and he forced me to drink it, taking little sips.

Gabriela stood next to me, a worried frown on her face. “Are you okay, Gabs?” I asked. “You look upset.”

She smiled, but even in my drunken state I saw it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “I’m fine.”

“Drink some more water, Sam.” Max forced the glass to my lips, his arm around my shoulders. I tried, but the water didn’t taste quite right and a wave of nausea passed over me.

Bethany opened the door, my sweater in her hands. She saw Max with his arm around my shoulders and shot Gabriela a look. “Dylan’s here.”

“Uh-oh,” I said, and turned around, throwing up not only the glass of water, but a lot of other liquid as well.

“Oh, crap,” said Max. He held onto me, probably afraid I’d fall over and hit my head if he didn’t. Bethany pulled my hair away from my face so I wouldn’t get vomit in it. She stood off to my side, keeping her feet back so they wouldn’t get thrown up on. She had on strappy heels, and no one wants vomit between their toes. Gabriela stood back and made gagging noises. There was a reason Gabriela wasn’t a nursing student. She couldn’t handle even the idea of someone throwing up.

Dylan walked outside right in the middle of it. He pushed Max out of the way, and held me up.

“Are you okay, Sam?”

I dry heaved now, nothing left in my stomach.

“Go away, Dylan. I don’t want you to see me like this.”

Tears streamed down my face. I’d sobered up a bit and now felt awful.

Dylan took the corner of his shirt and wiped my face, vomit, tears, and all. It made me cry even harder. He wrapped me in his arms and I covered my face with my hands.

“I’m disgusting.”

I wasn’t just talking about the vomiting. If Dylan had been just a few minutes earlier, he would have caught me in the alley kissing Max.

He laughed. “Never. But I think you need to wash your face.”

Gabriela and Bethany took me to the ladies’ room. After being completely comfortable staring me down in her apartment a few hours earlier, Gabriela now seemed incapable of meeting my eyes. I suspected that had as much to do with the kiss as it did with me getting sick in front of her. Max was her date to the formal, and I’d just made out with him. I’d hurt her, the person I wanted to protect the most.

As soon as we were inside, and I washed all traces of what had happened in the alley from my face, I turned to her. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen.”

She had a damp paper towel in her hand and tried to get rid of the black lines of mascara that had run down my cheeks as I cried. “It’s okay.”

I grabbed her hand. “No. It isn’t.”

Bethany looked confused. “What happened?”

“Max and Sam kissed in the alley,” she said softly. “I tried to tell her it’s fine, but she thinks I’m hurt. Max and I are going to the formal as friends. You know that, Sam.”

Bethany just stared at me. “Do you still have feelings for Max?”

I sniffed and fresh tears started pouring down my cheeks. “I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. I’m so confused.”

Her face got an oddly shuttered look. “You need to decide, and you need to do it soon. You can’t string both of them along.”

My mouth dropped open in shock. “I’m not trying to string anyone along. You know me better than anyone. I would never do that.”

Her lips were drawn into a stern line, and her blue eyes held no sympathy for me at all. “You’re doing it now, and you know it.”

I grabbed the paper towel from Gabriela’s hand and cleaned off the last of the mascara with short angry movements. “Why are you being such a bitch, Bethany?”

“Why are you acting like a slut, Sam?”

Gabriela’s eyes got huge in her face. “Guys. Stop…”

I threw the paper towel into the garbage can. I wasn’t completely sober, but I was completely pissed. “Thanks a bunch, Bethany. Happy Birthday to me.”

Her face crumbled. “Wait. I’m sorry…”

I didn’t hear what else she had to say. I shut the door of the bathroom on her face and went out into the bar to find Dylan.

He was drinking, which surprised me. I’d never seen him drink more than a few sips of wine, but he had shots lined up at the bar. He grinned when he saw me and I forced a smile onto my face.

My hands shook. I couldn’t believe I’d just fought with Bethany. We never fought. And Gabriela had obviously taken her side. I watched as they slipped out of the bar together, but pretended like I hadn’t seen them. Instead, I climbed onto Dylan’s lap and grabbed a shot.

“That’s my girl,” he said with a shout. “It’s time to party!”

I looked up in time to see Max leaving as well. His eyes met mine for just a moment, and he shook his head sadly. I wrapped my arms around Dylan’s neck and pulled him close, still watching Max. His face turned bright red as he exited the bar, slamming the door behind him. I hurt him and I knew it, but I’d had enough guilt heaped on top of me for the evening.

We drank and drank and drank some more. We danced, too, and Dylan flew around the dance floor, jumping up and down and yelling out the words to the songs. He was full of energy. Eventually, I had to stop, begging for some water. After that, I sat at the bar and just watched him. There was no way I could possibly keep up.

It was late when we finally went back to my room and shut the door behind us. After several drunken kisses in the dark, he sat on the bed and pushed me down to my knees.

“Blow me,” he said, unzipping his pants. I stared at him for a minute, not sure I wanted to do this. He took my head and guided it between his legs.

“Blow me,” he said again.

He wasn’t rough. He didn’t force me. I did as he requested, and although I really didn’t understand why, I felt strangely detached and cold.

“I love you, Sam,” he said, his voice rough, his hands twining through my hair. “I love you so much. What am I going to do when you go to Japan? Maybe I should go with you. Then everything would be perfect. Just like it is right now.”

I couldn’t really process what he’d just said, so I ignored it. He pulled me to my feet, kissing me. He was drunker than me and his hands fumbled as he reached under my skirt and pulled off my panties. I tried to help, but swayed and nearly fell.

He brushed my fingers away, impatient as he shoved his pants down to his ankles. We fell on the bed together and made love in an alcohol induced haze, with most of our clothing still on.

I tried to feel something, anything, as he thrust inside me. He kissed me and stroked me, murmuring how much he loved me, but my body refused to respond. I was tired and intoxicated and my mind kept fluttering back to the kiss I’d shared with Max, the hurt on Gabriela’s face, and Bethany’s cruel words. Even worse, the idea of Dylan coming to Japan with me made a dull panic take hold in my chest. I hadn’t realized until that moment how much I looked forward to getting away from him for a semester. I really was a terrible, heartless person. When Dylan finally came with a shudder and a sigh, I hid my own turmoil and smiled up at him, kissing his square jaw and pretending everything was fine.

He seemed to buy it. He kicked off his shoes, tossed his jeans on the floor, and pulled me close, whispering, “Happy Birthday, Sam” in my ear.

I lay in his arms, listening to the sound of his breathing and feeling the wetness from his ejaculation between my legs. He hadn’t worn a condom again, and I’d been too inebriated to say anything about it. Now I just felt dirty. Like the name Bethany had called me.

I grabbed a towel and my shower caddy and stumbled to the bathroom. I barely made it in time. I flew into the first stall and retched in the toilet. After completely emptying the contents of my stomach once again, I gathered my things and looked in the mirror. I saw a pale face, hair with highlights the color of honey, and brown eyes full of sadness. I barely recognized myself.

The full moon shone through the window, as bright as day, and I remembered a book my mom had read to me when I was small, the story of a small girl trying to find her way through a deep, dark forest. Everywhere she turned, she encountered brambles and creatures and all sorts of scary things. It wasn’t until she was in the gravest danger that she reached into the pocket of her torn and dirty cloak and realized she’d been holding what she needed, the map that showed the way out of the forest, the whole entire time.