Saved and SAINTified (27 page)

Raphael cracked up and slapped his hand against the bar counter. “How so?”

“That’s like me assuming you know all the secret herbs and spices in KFC chicken! It’s eleven of those bitches; tell them to me, I know you know just by default, being black and all. You see how ignorant that sounded? I can’t believe you, man.”

Raphael laughed harder, took a sip of his drink and got closer to Saint, grinning like a cat that swallowed the canary. “But you know the lyrics, don’t you?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

Saint stared straight ahead, trying desperately to not start cracking up again.

“Hey!” Raphael screamed out as soon as the music stopped before another track began. “DJ Papa Smurf, I mean, DJ Smurfy!”

The DJ looked at him with a questioning gaze.

“Put on Egyptian Lover real quick, for just like thirty seconds! That’s all I need.”

The DJ nodded and less than two minutes later, the song began to play. Saint took another gulp of his drink and shook his head as he heard the familiar introduction start. Raphael dug in his pocket and pulled out a crumpled ten dollar bill.

“You can have that—it’s for your next drink if you start rhyming to the beat. I know you know the song man, stop frontin’.”

Saint shook his head but he knew Raphael was onto him. After the rift played, Saint walked up to the DJ Booth and asked for the microphone. He began to rap to the audience’s vigorous clapping and cat calls.

“Give me a freaky kinky nation, with a total female population. I can deal with that situation, I don't care about my reputation
  ...  I'm The Egyptian Lover, Egyptian Lover, Baby!  Egyptian Lover, Egyptian Lover, Baby!”

The crowd applauded, Raphael’s laughter almost drowning out everyone as Saint handed back the microphone and returned to his hooting friend.

“I knew it! I knew you remembered the damn song. You would tell all the girls that the song was about you, lyin’ to get some pussy.”

“I don’t remember any of this!” Saint lied, now laughing hard right along with his friend until they both could barely speak. “Man, it feels good to be home. This is never a visit, it’s an adventure.”

“Speaking of visits, when can Latrice, the kids and I come by? I keep asking you.”

“I want you all to have a decent stay, and things keep popping up but I promise to follow up with you on that. I’d love to see you guys! Oh, and I have a little surprise.” Saint picked up his glass and took another tasty swig.

“What? You found a way to declare yourself black on the census form and signed up for the free DNA test?”

“Ha ha, very funny, muscle-head. No, guess again.” Saint grinned.

“You’ve started your own porn company! Let me be Vice President man. I have a discerning eye for raw talent!”

“Raphael, you’re fired from my life. Read about it in the credits of my biography, the epic movie.”

Raphael burst out laughing. “Is that the surprise? I’m fired from your life? You’re fired from mine too then—and don’t call me about any custom jewelry anymore. Your discount is revoked.”

Saint grinned. “You can’t cut me off. I need that. I order too much shit. Times are hard. I gotta keep the Queen laced though.”

Raphael pivoted in his bar stool. “You know I got you and Xenia. Well what is it?”

“
Xenia’s pregnant.”

“I know. Tell her I’m sorry that the condom broke during our night of passion.”

And within a blink of an eye, Saint smacked him hard across the back, but couldn’t wipe off the smug grin from his friend’s face.

It was funny, but he was still pissed. He knew the hit stung a little, he meant for it to.

“That’s so fuckin’ disrespectful and if that shit had came out of anyone else’s mouth, I’d beat their ass into the ground.”

“I know, I know.” Raphael said in a choked voice. “That’s great man, congratulations. Damn, you and
Xenia don’t come up for air, do you? Just bustin’ grapes all over the damn place, back to back.”

Both men laughed raucously over the booming base and schmoozing, half-drunk customers.

“Yo! Raphael!” A large, light complexioned man with dark brown, waist length dreads approached along with two other men, all dressed in leather bomber jackets.

“What’s up, Jas!” Raphael leapt out of his seat and gave the big man a pound and hugged him. “’Sup Ike and Ramón!”

“Hey Raph! What are you doing here, man?”

“Oh, I’m here wit’ my boy, Saint.” He pointed to Saint who made eye contact with the intimidating trio. The men shot him a look; it was obvious they weren’t smitten.

“Hey, Saint, Jas, Ike and Ramón used to work out at the old gym I was at. I hooked Jas up with a security job and he hooked me up with some free training.”

Saint nodded. “Nice to meet you.” He extended his hand and it just remained there in the air, floating. He lowered it and shook his head.

I should’ve known the evening was going too well ... that I was relaxed and having a good time. Here comes the shit, now where is the damn fan?

Jas snarled. “I know who the fuck this cat is.”

He pointed at Saint, a sinister grimace across his pale banana colored face. “How you know this lame, man? This that dude that is on the radio all the time talking about black men are losers and how black women need to start dating other guys from different races because we ain’t shit.”

Saint shot Raphael a look. Raphael looked startled, tongue tied and dumbfounded.

“Whoa, whoa, Jas. Saint is good people, okay? That’s not what he said.”

“Tha fuck it ain’t! I’ve seen his poster in Barnes and Noble, too. Took all of me not to rip that shit down. That’s right,
this
black man reads, mothafucka. You surprised?” The big man huffed. “Fuck this nigga!”

Saint set his glass down calmly on the counter. He turned slowly back around to face the men.

“Jas, it appears you’re having a problem this evening. Luckily,” On a shrug, Saint traced his bottom lip with the tip of his tongue. “I’m a problem solver. You’re feelin’ some kind of way, today. Do you want to have a conversation with me?” Saint pointed to his chest. “Do you want to talk like two grown men or behave like the animal that you believe I’ve presented your race and gender to be?”

“Wait a minute, now everyone calm down!” Raphael put his hands up.

“Raphael, I’m calm. I’ve been calm and plan to remain so.” Saint let out a light chuckle.

“Oh, this shit is funny to you, man?!” Jas stepped up to Saint, only shorter by one inch.  Raphael stretched his arm between the two while the other two men drew closer to Jas.

“Yeah, it actually kind of is, Jas. Now, we can talk like men, like I said, or we can turn this into something else. Don’t let my smooth look fool you.” Saint’s smile quickly faded.

The man looked him up and down and shoved a toothpick in the corner of his mouth. “Alight, bet. Yeah, I got some shit to say to you. I had tried to call into the radio a few times when your lame ass still lived here, could never get through. Anyway,
Saint
,” he mocked, slurring his name. “I understand.” The toothpick twirled back and forth on the right side of his mouth as, he clasped his hands together and bounced on the spot. “I understand you got you some black punanny, got turned out. That’s your prerogative and my perspective, and now, you’re just runnin’ with the shit. Fact of the matter is this. Don’t let my roughneck look fool you. This is my weekend attire and—”

“I never judge a book by its cover.”

“Good, but I had you pegged before I even saw your mug. I’m an educated black man! The kind of man people like you fear. I have a Master’s Degree in education and taught P.E. I wanted some extra cash. Raphael here, another strong black man, hooked me up. I’m not afraid of hard work. I teach young minds—inner city youth. You are helping to destroy everything I am doing. I’m teaching these black little boys that they are somebody  ... You tell our women we ain’t shit. The white man isn’t better because y’all have more money and power than us, systematically.”

“Where are you going with this?” Saint goaded. “It’s amazing that you bring up your education. I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing as based on what you’re saying, you’ve obviously rarely used it.”

“I see you’re a regular ol’ smart ass. Feeling big, with Raphael right here by you. Fuck you, mothafucka. I’m the
original
man, mothafucka! You had
that
shit right!” Jas pushed his finger in Saint’s face.

“There is no cure against stupidity.” Saint sighed. “Not all you mothafuckas are Moorish!”

Now their argument began to render the attention of others in the establishment as their voices carried.

“So you want to try to drop science? My people invented science!”

“Did you invent civil rights as well, Jas? You, all by your lonesome? How much shit will you take credit for that you didn’t have anything to do with, simply because you are the same race as those that set the foundation?  I find this shit hella ironic. When a black man does something great, guys like you want all the credit, but when a black person goes out and steals some shit, and kills his family or girlfriend, then you are the first to scream how you don’t like being lumped together based on another mothafucka’s actions! Pick a damn position!”

“You two need to—” Raphael attempted to stop the runaway train before things got worse.

“If a black man created a deadly disease in a lab, would you take credit for that as well? That’s science, too! Not every black man is down for every black man.”

A brief pause.

“Let’s keep this dialogue going, I like this!” Jas grinned. “You are proving to everyone in here just why you need to be dealt with. Someone like you is a virus, Mr. Aknaten. You are a damn disease and the worst of it is, you’ve actually got a bunch of black women listening to you. Those women lost their identity and their minds listening to your fucking nonsense and reading your silly ass books and for the record, yeah, I did invent the damn civil rights.”

Saint looked at the man and burst out laughing in his face.

“Are you wet, Jas? I don’t see any damn dogs chasing you or any hoses in this mothafucka. You are the type of man that walks around talking about what everyone needs to do for black people, but you aren’t doing a damn thing for anyone. Talk is cheap. I don’t give a shit if you are a teacher and educated—you are not on my level.”

“Look Jas, Saint is my boy, we go way back. You’re way out of line, man! He isn’t the way you think he is.”

“Raphael, I don’t need you to defend or stand up for me.” Saint shot him a look as he gently pushed him back with his arm. “I got this. Jas came in here with a problem, needing some specialized treatment, and I’m about to cure all of his woes.”

“You talk a lot of shit to be standin’ there three against one, you fuckin’ mutt.”

“I’m here, Jas!” Raphael corrected as he crossed his broad arms over his chest in annoyance.

“Mutt?” Saint grimaced and rolled his eyes. “I know your high yellow ass isn’t standing here calling
me
a mutt!” Saint laughed in his face, causing Jas to press his torso into Saint.

Is this
mothafucka touching me? Oh, never that!

Raphael jumped between the two seething men.

“Move, Raphael!” Saint flung his friend’s arm out of the way like it was a mere piece of ribbon at a race finish line. “Jas, you haven’t picked any cotton except when you go and buy a goddamn white t-shirt, and you’re
picking
what size and style you want! Don’t come in here asking the chariot to swing lo and carry your slave mentality ass home! You don’t know shit, and you’ve lost your own goddamn mind since you believe that you can stand here and yell at me, try to talk around the issues, and then act like you are really going to rough me up. Put your hands on me again, and I’ll be the last thing you touch. Get tha fuck out my face.” Saint clicked his tongue against his teeth and turned away.

You have
no idea how close you just came to a serious beatdown, man.

“I ain’t scared of you, punk,” Jas sneered. “I know how this works. I’ve heard how you outtalk mothafuckas but tonight … tonight is going to end with you getting more than you bargained for.”

“The only thing I bargained for was a peaceful evening with my best friend here, but you pretty much fucked that all up.” Saint kept his back turned, his teeth grinding as he tried to temper his anger. His chest burned, his body went hot and hectic.

“No, you should’ve kept your ass at home.”

Behind him, Saint sensed Jas step closer.

“Ah, ah, ahhh! Step back and stop this shit!” Raphael warned.

“These are
my
stomping grounds. A piece of shit like you can’t have a peaceful night because you’ve started too much shit over the years, runnin’ off at the mouth.” Jas cracked his knuckles. “Okay, Saint. Let’s talk. I really want to talk.” He laughed. “Let’s talk a little black history.”

Saint snorted and turned back around. “You’ll be sorry, standing here trying to show off in front of your boys, like a damn lynch mob. You want to talk black history? You’ll be black history if you don’t walk away.”