Save Me (3 page)

“I have no idea. What time are Violet and Sydney coming?” I check my watch and it’s six o’clock exactly.

“They should be here any minute,” I say. Julia turns her inspection on me.

“Why are we here, by the way?” I look at Julia, confused. My eyes wander to the rest of the park.
Where else would we be?
“I mean, why all of a sudden did you want all of us together? I know something’s up. Does it have anything to do with J—?”

“No. No.” I shake my head violently. “Noble and I set a date. We’re getting married September tenth; it’s the weekend after Labor Day.”

“Wow! I’m impressed. Let’s see, that’s a little less than three months. Are you going to expect me to be a bridesmaid? More importantly, are you going to cuckoo out like Violet did and have sex with some loser two weeks before the wedding?” Julia’s tone turns dark as she reminds us both of the hell that was Violet’s bachelorette party.

“My plan is to stay this side of cuckoo,” I say, and question whether I can manage sane.

“Are you going to tell Jason?”

“I already did. I called him.”

Julia practically spits her beer right out of her mouth. “You did?” She grabs my arm. “What happened? What did he say?”

“He said it doesn’t change the way he feels about me.”

“Does it change anything for you?” Julia asks, and I kind of hate her for the question.

“I love Noble. I’m sure of it. It’s right with him and he makes me happy every minute of the day.”

“But…”

I sigh.
But what?

“You don’t have to answer that.”

“Thanks.” I take a long sip of my beer and signal the bartender that we need another round.

Violet and Sydney arrive at the same time and the mood is immediately lightened. Sydney begs us to come back to Hoboken with her and meet her new entertainment. He’s a comedian and a bartender at the Black Bear Bar. More impressive than Sydney’s promise that he’s a funny man is the fact that she swears he’s hung like a horse. I’m not sure how this is supposed to entice me out of the city, but I love her enough to go meet the well-endowed comedian.

“No way,” Violet says, and orders a glass of cranberry juice.

“UTI?” Julia asks, and examines Violet, trying to decipher the affliction that would keep her from ordering a beer on this beautiful night.

“I’m pregnant.”

We all stand very still.

“Is it Blake’s?” Julia asks, and my eyes dart in her direction. “What? I’m the only one thinking it?” She’s not the only one. Anyone who saw the lover Violet invited to her wedding would have some questions about this pregnancy.

“Of course you are,” Sydney chastises Julia, and then asks, “It is Blake’s, right?”

“Yes. It’s Blake’s.” Violet is doing an excellent job of not losing her patience with us. I sigh, relieved there’s no scandal involved in this news. “But if you, my dearest friends, are asking me, then every other person who knows us is going to ask the same thing,” she says, and starts to cry.

“Oh, Violet, no. Everyone won’t think that. We’re terrible. Everyone from outside of Jersey is going to be immediately supportive,” Sydney says, and rubs her back.

Violet leans on Sydney but stares straight at me. “Charlotte? What are you thinking?” she asks, and I can’t figure out what I’m thinking. In fact, I can’t get the image of Violet making out with the bar-back in Key West out of my head. Cheating leaves a mark, at least on me. Violet seems to be moving forward quite well.

“I think if you and Blake are happy, then I’m happy,” I say, and Julia’s eyes roll back in her head. “Can I ask you something, though?” I know I should shut up.
Shut up, Charlotte! Shut up!
“Why so soon?”

“I don’t know. We weren’t trying or not trying.”

“Then you were trying. Seventh-grade health explained all of this, Violet,” Julia spouts, and I give her the calm-down signal. The girl’s pregnant after all.

“Anyway, we’ve been through a lot. It’s nice to have something to be excited about. Something that’s ours alone,” Violet says, and coming from her lips it is romantic, and sweet, and wholly uniting. “What’s going on with you, Charlotte? Still farming?”

“Noble and I are getting married September tenth. Down the shore, and I need all of you to be there.”

“What’s Noble wearing?” Sydney asks with a shameless grin.

“He’s wearing a suit.”

“I’ll be there,” she says, and I shake my head at her.

“I wish you luck, Charlotte,” Violet says, and toasts my glass. “If you don’t invite your lover to the wedding, you’ll probably be fine.”

“Good advice,” I say, nodding. How we can all discuss this so nonchalantly, I don’t know.

N
oble and I walk hand and hand from the Tractor Supply Store to his truck. He’s quiet today; there aren’t as many jokes as usual. It’s unsettling. I climb in and Noble buckles my seat belt as if I’m a child and then leans up and kisses me as if he just returned from battle. He is so good.

The acres pass by as we head out of town. Rows and rows blink as my eyes take them in. There are soybeans, and tomatoes, and peppers, all lined up in the fields. I had a plant once at Rutgers, but it dried up from lack of attention. How fitting I’m in love with a farmer. I realize we’re moving as slow as we were in town. Noble’s cautious pace is like slow motion on this wide-open road.

“Is there something wrong with the truck?” I ask, and lean over. We’re only going twenty-five miles per hour. “You know you’re at risk of pissing off a lot of other drivers on the road.” Noble checks behind us and nods at the absence of cars.

“I’m just in no rush to get home,” he says, and smirks as he leans back in his seat.

“Painting is not that bad. I kind of like it. Julia and I painted our room at Rutgers and it was fun.” Noble looks at me as if I’m a horrible liar. “I mean it.”

“Come here,” he says, and reaches out to me. I slide over to him and rest my head on his shoulder. “Did you figure out what you’re doing about a dress yet? Because maybe instead of painting I should take you dress shopping.”

“You can’t see me in my dress before the wedding,” I say, and turn to him.

“I want you to be happy about your dress, and I don’t know how to help. No one is going to replace your mom in the process. Maybe we should just do things completely differently and I’ll take you.” I lean up and kiss Noble on the cheek, resting my arm across his waist.

“I don’t want you to take me. I’m already annexing a big traditional wedding from your future. The least I can do is behave like a proper bride and walk down some sort of aisle with a new dress on.”

“None of that matters, Charlotte.”

“I know. You’re good like that. I’ll figure it out.”

Noble and I paint the ceiling and tape on Sunday, I finish the first coat on Monday, and today I’m putting on the second coat. I hope to be done then. This navy color might need a third coat, though. It is rich and beautiful. The master bedroom of the farmhouse is big. I can’t imagine how big it was before Mrs. Sinclair cut off part of it to create proper closets, but I’m thankful she did. The deep color warms the room and it reminds me of the effect Noble has on me whenever he’s nearby. He was skeptical when he first opened the can and spread it across the beige wall, but I think he’s coming around.

I’m using the blunt end of a screwdriver to hammer the paint can shut when I finally remember that today is Tuesday and I have a hair appointment with Nadine. I run to the other bedroom searching for the time. My appointment is in twenty minutes and I have paint all over my hands and face.

I begin with the scrubbing as I mentally go through the limited wardrobe I have at Noble’s. The only items I’m sure of are yoga pants and a button-down shirt, which should never be worn together, but they’re clean. Nadine will probably have me committed if I show up in them. There’s a sundress draped across the radiator and I inspect it for stains.
Lovely.
I throw it over my head and grab my bag on the way out the door.

The clock on the Volvo’s dash calms me. There’s a shot I’m going to make it. I back the Volvo out of the L-shed without looking and hustle down the lane only to be stopped by the train crossing Noble’s lane. I wave to the engineer. It’s not his fault I don’t know what day it is.

I run into Salon Nadine two minutes late for my appointment and out of breath. Jocelyn brings me back to the color room and Nadine meets me there to talk about “our plan” for my hair.

“So, what are we doing?” she asks.

“Well, Noble and I are getting married in September. We should probably keep that in mind.”

“That’s awesome. What’s the date?” she asks as she covers me with a smock.

“September tenth.”

“Oh nice. Nine, ten, eleven.”

“I want you to come. I have to get invitations made. I’m a little behind on everything.”

“I’ll be there. Someone is going to need to do your hair.”

I nod in agreement.

“Do you want to be blond for your wedding?”

“Yes,” I say, and imagine Noble’s reaction to me walking down the aisle a brunette for the first time in my life. “Okay, I’ll be right back.” Nadine leaves to mix something and I hear my phone ding with a text.

Is that my home?

Nadine returns with two bowls full of some concoction and begins sectioning my hair.

“So let’s have it. Give me all the details.”

“Well, the ceremony’s going to be on the beach in Strathmere. We’ll have a small reception in a house there. I’ve rented a bunch of houses in town for guests to stay, but I’ll give you all that information in the invitation.”

“If you ever have them made,” she says, half joking.

“Exactly.”

“What about makeup, hair, headpiece, dress? All the things I have to work with.”

“Umm, well…I don’t have a dress.” Nadine raises her eyebrows. “I haven’t gone dress shopping. I can’t quite figure out how to do it without my mom.” Nadine softens and contemplates my dilemma.

“I have this, though,” I say, and pull my mother’s turquoise necklace out of my bag. It’s kind of a crazy thing to carry around. It has several large turquoise stones; the largest in the center is surrounded by a sunburst of crystals and turquoise. Lining either side are pearls and crystals, and it’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before. It’s a heavy and intricate mix of stones, a significant piece, and I can barely hold it as stones hang off my tiny hands.

“Wow,” Nadine says, and I can’t gauge her reaction. She puts her comb down and takes the necklace from me. “This isn’t a necklace, Charlotte; it’s an anchor. Where did you get it?”

“I found it a few weeks ago when I was sorting my mother’s jewelry. I never saw her wear it, though. I don’t even know where she got it.”

“Jocelyn, can you bring in my iPad please?” Nadine yells to the front of the shop. “This is going to be easy. Trust me.” She refocuses on my hair. When Jocelyn brings in the iPad, Nadine motions for her to hand it to me and directs, “Go to Saksfifthavenue.com.”

I’m confused, but I do what she asks.

“Now go to Women’s Apparel. Dresses,” Nadine says as she watches over my shoulder, and still paints small sections of my hair. “White, right? Unless you’re thinking of something less traditional.” Nadine’s eyes light up at the thought of it. “No. White is fine.” I follow Nadine’s instructions through the site, and Saks tells me there are thirty-six white evening gowns. Nadine leans over my shoulder and scrolls through the gowns until she stops on a strapless white one with barely a hint of detail. It has a simple twist at the top and hangs beautifully to the floor. The back has a long train that appears hooked to the top of the dress and puddles on the floor behind it. It’s graceful and simple and understated, and the perfect complement to this necklace. “This is the dress,” Nadine says. “At least if that is the necklace, then this is the dress.”

I stare at the dress and select all the pictures, viewing it from the front and back angles. It is the dress. And they have my size. Nadine hands me my wallet and just like that, I have a wedding gown.

N
oble and Jenn have already texted me asking what time I’m getting to the beach. Today is probably going to be longer than my actual wedding day tomorrow. Now that everyone’s finally here, we have a full day of doing nothing on the beach. At six tonight there’s a rehearsal of the ceremony, organized by Noble’s sister Jackie, of course, followed by a bonfire, organized by Jenn and Margo.

It’s good to stay busy. It keeps my mind off the fact that my mom and dad aren’t here. And all the rest of the things that enter my mind that I refuse to even name.

The bathing suit I swam in yesterday still hangs in the bathroom, soaking wet and cold. I wrap my robe around my neck, dreading putting the dripping suit on and looking around for the other suits, but Noble packed them for me and I can’t find them. I call him, knowing he’s probably impatient to get the party started.

“Hello, Lover,” he answers, relieving my mind of the ghosts. “What need can I satisfy for you?”

“All of them, I’m sure. But for now I just need to know where my bathing suits are.”

“Oh, need to ask your butler where he packed your suits, huh?”

“Yes,” I say, admitting he spoils me.

“They’re in the side pocket of the suitcase, but I’ll come over and help you. Sometimes those things are hard to get on,” Noble says, and I hear a door opening as he hangs up.

My dress catches my eye and I carry it to the guest room closet. I’ve kept it hidden for weeks; I’m not giving up now. I roll the suitcase to the open floor on the side of my bed and search through all the side pockets. This is what happens when you don’t pack light.

I pull out a bottom, and the other suits come piling out, all tangled together with a navy blue scarf. I spread it out on the floor. A pattern of lighter flowers runs through it, and I know it isn’t mine. It belonged to my mother.

The cool silk reminds me of another scarf from my past. A chill runs across my breast but stops there. It’s not strong enough without his presence.
Neither am I.

I wrap the scarf in a figure eight around both wrists and bury my face in my hands.

Jason.

“Charlotte?”

“I’m over here. On the floor,” I say, and Noble comes to the other side of the bed as I free my hands.

“Oh, you found them.” Noble goes through the suits, playfully matching each top with its bottom, and realizes he grabbed the scarf by mistake.

“Oops. Sorry. That’s not going to work.”

“The blue one is my favorite,” I jibe as I shove the scarf back into the pocket of the suitcase.

“You can just wear the bottoms.” Noble raises his eyebrows. He lies back on the floor, pulling me with him, and we both look out the sliding glass door at a cloudless blue sky.

“I could lie like this forever,” Noble says as I listen to his heartbeat, but I can’t seem to embrace the peace. The sky usually calms me, but the contents of my suitcase have unsettled me to the point of preoccupation. My fingers trail down to his waist and I kiss his neck, wanting him.

My hand finds him and I stroke him until he’s hard.

“Me too,” I say, and lean in closer to my fiancé. The scarf ignited something in me. Something I’m having trouble shoving into the pocket of a suitcase.

I straddle Noble and pull his arms above his head. His wrists, held tightly in my grasp, hit the floor hard and I lean forward to hold them there. My chest heaves as I fight for every breath, my body ruling my mind.

I find his neck and kiss him there, his hard-on behind me inciting me. Noble’s earlobe is between my teeth and I’m sure I could bite it off from anticipation. There is a throbbing between my legs that will need attention soon. I swallow hard and return to his neck, stopping only to breathe near his ear and listen to the sound of his moan beneath me.

His biceps swell in this position and I lower my mouth to one. I run my lips across it. I bare my teeth and bite it.

“Charlotte.” Noble’s shock is a glimmer of myself.

I close my eyes and release his skin from my teeth.

I kiss him, my tongue apologizing for losing myself.

Noble rolls over, pinning me beneath him, and slows things down. He wraps my legs around his waist, his hard-on pushing against the still-screaming throbbing, and he holds my face in his hands as he kisses me gently, warmly, and nobly. I wrap my arms around his neck and drink him in. My lovely Noble.

When he’s satisfied I’m not going to turn into a werewolf or some other creature—that I am indeed still the girl he proposed to—Noble pulls me up and onto the bed. He sits me down and unties my robe, pushing it off my shoulders.

I can’t take my eyes off his bathing suit. It’s bulging and I can taste him in my mouth. I look up at Noble, asking permission. I no longer trust myself. Naughty Noble raises his eyebrows, granting me permission.

My tongue skims the top of my mouth, anticipating him, and I bite my lower lip as I untie his suit and lower it to the ground. I stroke him with only my own needs controlling my actions. I’m aware of my heartbeat and the fury that’s leading me and I breathe deeply. I don’t want to hurt my beautiful Noble. I take him in my mouth and the throbbing quiets a trace.

Noble hangs his head back and savors my lips around him. In and out I move him and squeeze my thighs together. Noble’s hand finds the back of my head as he controls the rhythm that could bring him to his knees.

And then he stops me.

He pulls out of my mouth and looks me in the eye. He lays me back with a gentle hand to my shoulder and lifts my legs to his waist.

“Fuck me, Noble.” I have no idea what I am capable of.

Noble rams into me and I squeeze the sheets behind me. I grab my breasts in my hands and roughly squeeze them as my fingers find my nipples and pull. Noble watches me and I never take my eyes off of him, not ashamed but aroused by my own greediness. If I could reach them with my mouth, they’d be between my teeth. Noble looks down as he continues to enter me and the sight of him watching sets me off. I moan until my breath catches and sound is no longer possible. I release my breasts and balance myself on the bed, and Noble comes inside me. I squeeze him inside of me and can only think of how much I want to do this again.

Noble pulls out and leans over me on the bed. His breathing is jagged and his heart is racing opposite my own. I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss the side of his face.

When his heart slows, Noble pulls back and searches my eyes. I want to lower them, but it’s a statement I can’t make. Instead I smile at him and hope he stops thinking.
That’s how I get through this.

Jackie runs the rehearsal like a strategic military operation. She should be a wedding planner, or a prison guard. Noble and I stay behind to make sure there’s nothing she needs help with. I’m hoping she’ll relax some before she drives her husband, Travis, crazy. They were high school sweethearts. He’s used to her, but still I hate to think of someone suffering because of our wedding.

Noble and I are hurried out of the house and to the bonfire. Jackie takes Travis’s beer out of his hand and replaces it with a guest book and pen and pushes him toward the table in the front foyer. I try and convey sympathy with my eyes, but I’m afraid all I’ve achieved is fear because he gives me a knowing glance back.

“Save yourself, kid,” he says as he walks by.

Noble grabs my hand and pulls me out the door. “She’s crazy,” he says when we’re safely at the curb.

A yawn surprises me and takes over my face as we step into the street.

“Attacking me this morning must have exhausted you.”

“I don’t know what to say. I couldn’t help myself,” I say, thankful for Noble bringing it up and not making a big deal out of our near-violent encounter. “Stop being so hot.”

I grab the skirt of my navy blue maxi and hold Noble’s hand as we ascend the dune. I can smell the smoke of the bonfire before we reach the top. Everyone’s brought out beach chairs to surround the fire and Sydney’s date is preparing to play his guitar for the group. There are hot dogs and hamburgers on a portable table next to different types of salads. A keg rests in a large plastic bucket and Sam is manning the tap.

Violet comes over and moves different groups into position for pictures, and at the end of everyone’s patience, she finally relents and focuses on candids for a while. She is barely showing but completely glowing. Blake is wholly attentive to her and she is basking in his recognition. Maybe a baby is what they needed all along. The idea defies logic, though. That can’t be right.

Julia, Jenn, and Margo are smoking a joint down by the water and I join them as soon as I get wind of it, literally. They pass the joint as we all watch the water lap against the horizon and I deeply inhale all of it. The best friends a girl could ever ask for, an adorable dog, the incredible weather, a great husband-to-be. As if on cue, Noble walks up and wraps his arms around me and admires the horizon, too. And this view…

“Life is all about the view,” I say, unable to take my eyes off the pink-hued sky. The sun is setting to our west and the sky is soft with its departure.

“From where I stand, it’s perfect.” I turn my head to the admiring stare of Noble Sinclair. I kiss his cheek and pull his arms tighter around me. He always sees things so beautifully.

“Be careful with perfect, Noble,” I say, and Jenn flashes me a knowing glance as she hands me the joint. I suspect she’ll never get married. She believes promises are always broken. Why does that seem logical and Violet and Blake’s baby is not? I’ll bet if I asked Noble, he’d see things completely differently.

The quiet of the house settles me. I take a deep breath, thankful to be done with today’s festivities. I open the door from the hallway, and my room is lit without turning on a single light. The wall of windows beckons the full moon’s reflection off the ocean. I walk to the windows and behold it. The moon is absolutely brilliant. It is this year’s harvest moon, almost completely full, and its orange face is illuminating the entire eastern seaboard. It’s hard to believe a nor’easter will hit tomorrow. The timing is important. We practiced the ceremony on the beach, but it might have to be inside. It’ll be close. Noble’s mom said she’ll be leading the prayers for sunshine until after the “I dos.”

“How can such a beautiful moon give way to a storm?” I ask the ominous night.

I have Julia and Margo here with me. It’s only Jason to wonder about with this moon. Does he see it tonight? Does he know it’s the eve of my wedding? Over the last two years, I’ve thought of what a horrible person I’ve become, but when I say “I do” tomorrow, it will be the pinnacle of cruelty I’m able to inflict on another person, especially one that I love. Jason thinks it doesn’t change a thing, but it changes everything.

The waves crash on the beach and come to a whimper at the end before crawling out to sea. Such a violent ocean commanded by such a beautiful moon. I take off the dress I’ve had on too long and slip into my robe. I write “Gone for a swim” on the notepad by the television. There are beach towels piled on the floor next to my dresser and I grab one on the way out.

The wind whips my hair around my face as soon as I clear the point and head due east toward the water, and the moon. The crashing of the waves causes me to pause, contemplating the safety of a swim right now, but the incredible moon promises nothing bad could ever happen to me. Not on a night like tonight. I leave my robe and towel on the sand and wander into the ocean. The breakers almost knock me off my feet, but I run with lifted knees past them and dive into the final wave right before it crests and crashes to the ground.

The ocean’s warmth surrounds me. This will be my last swim of the year most likely, definitely my last swim as Charlotte O’Brien. I let the water dance over the top of me as I float on my back with my toes pointed to the moon.

“I wish you were here, Mom,” I whisper. “I know you’re listening because you guys are probably pissed I’m out here swimming alone at night.” I swim fifteen feet farther into the ocean and move south again, the strong current pulling me north with every set of waves. “I’m moving on, Mom. I’ve given up on understanding why and how things work. I’m just going to live.” I shut my eyes tight in defiance, the ocean alive beneath me.

“Don’t think I don’t know you sent Noble to me. Oh, I know, he was part of a plan that was in place before I was born, but the mere existence of Noble Sinclair, and him loving me, reeks of your hand.”

I flip in the water and come up facing the sky as a wave crushes me. I fight to the surface in time for another to descend upon me, forcing me to the bottom. My toes grip the wet sand of the ocean floor and I dive into the next wave and move past the breakers to catch my breath.

Here I rest. I lie on my back, floating over the waves, and focus on the bright orange moon. It has little to hide tonight.

Something catches my eye on the shore and I begrudgingly leave the moon behind. Someone is standing by my towel on the beach and I hope it’s Noble, because whoever it is, is about to see me naked.

I fight my way out of the ocean and walk to Noble with tired legs. He wraps me in my towel and holds me at arm’s length with a foreign, solemn expression on his face.

“What’s wrong?” I ask. “Are you second-guessing marrying me?” I search his beautiful eyes for the reason he’s wandering the beach at midnight.

“I’m marrying my best friend,” Noble says, and kisses me on the lips.

“Are you second-guessing your choice of friends?” He looks right through me, lost in his own thoughts.

“What are you doing out here alone?” Noble asks, and pulls me close to his body. “If something happened to you, I’d have spent the rest of my life searching for you.”

“I left a note in my room that I went for a swim.”

Noble takes my towel off and holds out my robe for me to step into. He takes the towel and veils my head with it. I am warm, and safe, and a testament to the love of Noble Sinclair.

“As soon as I saw the moonlight, I knew you were out here. I was certain of it before I took one step toward the window. And sure enough, you’re in the ocean risking your life and my future,” Noble says, not a hint of anger in his voice.