Savage Love (19 page)

             
                                                                                                  Daffyd

     Samantha finished the letter with tears streaming down her face. She did not want to admit that she had any feelings other than concern and ‘brotherly love’ for Daffyd. But her heart welled up with emotions that she had never experienced before. She blew her nose, wiped her eyes, grabbed her phone and went into the bathroom. She added Daffyd’s number to her contacts, put him on speed dial, right after Seanna, and called before she could chicken out.

     “Hello,” said a sleepy voice on the other end.

     “Daffyd?”

     “Samantha
…is that you?” he asked suddenly fully awake.

     “Yes…I just read your letter Daffyd and I have to tell you that it touched my heart,” she started crying again.

     “Are you crying, Samantha?” he asked.

     “I am sorry
, Daffyd…this is all such a shock to me. I am not sure what I am feeling, but I know that I am happy and sad all at the same time…what do we do now?”

     “Are you saying that you feel the same way that I do?” he sounded confused.

     “I guess I’m saying that I care for you too, and that we live so far away from each other and have separate lives and that I’m supposed to be a grieving widow and I feel like I am dishonoring Richard somehow,” she rambled.

     “Samantha wait,” he interrupted, “let’s just agree that we care for each other.”

     “Ok,” she answered quietly.

     “And we can agree that though we live separate lives, and we live so far away, we can call each other, daily, and stay in contact and just see where it all goes from there. I would love to have you turn around and come right back, but you need to go home and back to your real life and see if you still feel the same way. I don’t want to find out that what you really feel is pity for my messed up life, or feel like you need to fix me. Does that make sense?” he asked.

     “Yes…I feel like an emotional basket case, but I think I understand what you are saying. Even though I feel like I have known you forever, we probably should take some time getting to know each other better. But honestly, Daffyd, I feel like with your being sick that maybe we don’t have a lot of that…time I mean,” she said.

     “Where is my woman of faith? I thought you were praying for me to
be fully recovered!” he joked.

      “Oh, Daffyd, you know I am
. Please, this is hard enough as it is for me…”

     “Samantha, now that I have something to look forward to, I am determined to beat this thing. You just keep praying for me and promise to always be completely honest, even if that means telling me that this just won’t work. Ok?” he asked.

     “Only if you promise to do the same, I am so much older than you Daffyd and if that wasn’t enough on its own there are all the other obstacles,” she said.

     “I am happy right now to just be happy. Can
that be enough for you?” he asked.

     “Yes,” she laughed, “I
t can.”

     “Ok, I am going to let you get some sleep. I am exhausted. I didn’t sleep a wink last night, debating with myself about writing you that letter and I have been laying here feeling sorry for myself since I read yours, thinking that the feelings were totally one sided.”

     “I guess they never were, but I couldn’t admit to myself how I felt. I am so used to keeping my feelings to myself, or just not allowing myself to feel at all, that it took my reading your letter to see it,” she explained. “But go to sleep, Daffyd, and know that I do care for you and that God will work this all out. You’ll see.”

     “Good night
, Samantha.”

     “Good night
, Daffyd. Sweet sleep.”

Chapter 18

And Life Goes On

     Seanna had gone off to college and Samantha had returned to her teaching job. It had been several months since their vacation in Montana. Daffyd and Samantha had managed to talk at least on
ce a day on the phone, and occasionally sent cards and letters by mail. Daffyd had sent a few gifts to Seanna at college and as well as Samantha. They had gotten into a routine and life went on. At first Samantha and Daffyd wanted to keep their feelings a secret, but due to the fact that Bryce and Seanna talked or texted almost as much as the older two, it didn’t take long for them to figure it all out. Both were pleased with the way things were going. Seanna had never seen her mother so happy, and Daffyd was doing better and better. He had begun going to church whenever he was well enough, and that was more often than not. Though he hadn’t made a personal confession, he was asking the right questions. Bryce was sure that it wouldn’t be long before he made a real commitment.

     One cold Saturday morning in October, Samantha got a phone call from the people who had purchased Richard’s store. They had been doing some remodeling and had found a box of Richard’s belongings. That afternoon they dropped the box off and visited a few minutes explaining their plans for the store. Samantha was truly happy that things were working out for them there and that they were even making enough profit to update things. As soon as they left, she made herself a cup of hot cocoa and took the box into the dining room. She wondered what they could have missed when they had
packed up everything.

     Inside the box were some old photos of her and Seanna, a few drawings that her daughter had colored for her Daddy and what looked like an old leather book. Samantha looked over the photos and pictures with fond memories of Seanna as a little girl. She was feeling warm and cozy with her hot cup and old memories until she opened the book. It was a journal, and it had Richard’s familiar chicken scratch covering every page. Samantha put down the book and paced the kitchen praying, before she had the courage to open it up and begin to read.

     The first few pages were from when Richard had first come to Wisconsin. He talked about wanting to change his life, missing his family. Samantha read on about his struggle with overcoming his homosexual tendencies and his sadness over the breakup with his former ‘partner’. At this point she felt so angry that she tossed the book on the table and started cleaning house like a mad women. After exhausting herself, she took a long hot shower and changed into her pajama’s planning on going to bed early. But lying in bed with her thoughts going every which way, she went back to get the book.

    
As she was going back to her room, her phone rang. Knowing it was probably Daffyd, she just couldn’t answer. She couldn’t pretend all was well, and she just didn’t want to talk about what she was feeling right now. It was the first time that she knowingly missed a call. Samantha read on…her emotions going from pity at his plight, to anger at what she felt as his betrayal. When he described his salvation, she cried again at how he explained this wonderful experience. Several pages after this were filled with hope and wonder. Not much had been written after that just a few updates, with the dates getting farther apart, until the entry on the first day that Samantha had brought little Seanna into the store.

    
Today a young woman came into the store with the prettiest little girl I have ever seen. The mother looked sad and was very withdrawn. The little one smiled at me and I think my heart melted. I was afraid of scaring them off, so I didn’t say too much. I hope they come back. I would love to have a little girl like that someday, God willing.

    
Then a few days later-

    
That pretty little mother came in today with the angel of a daughter. I think the girl must be about one or two. The mom can’t be more than eighteen or nineteen. She was looking for some notebooks and had to ask me for help. After helping her locate them, I just casually asked if she was a student at the college. She opened up a little and even allowed me to give the little one a tootsie roll. I find myself praying for her now…she seems to be like a lost little sheep, the mother not the baby.

     Samantha had to stop reading again and sobbed into her hands. She was seeing the Richard that she first met, so kind and caring. Using up her whole box of tissue, she ended up bringing back a roll of toilet paper in anticipation of more tears to come, and she continued reading. He was elated the day she told him their names, mentioned that they came in more often. He described Seanna’s clothes and the shape of her face, the color of her eyes. Several pages were filled with conversations that they had, the day she explained her situation was followed by a prayer written out for her and Seanna. Just when she thought she couldn’t read another page she came to a place that had her glued to the page.

    
Praise God, I think I am in love, and with a woman! She is beautiful and smart, she has been hurt and needs someone to take care of her. Do I dare to think that she could be interested in me? I am practically old enough to be her father…and I would have to tell her about my past. I am asking her to go on a date with me, and then…we’ll see.

     Another entry on the night before their wedding
-

    
I have decided not to tell Samantha, I just can’t take the chance of losing the two of them! How could I ever go back to my life the way it was before they walked into my store? I never thought that I would be so happy, or so in love. I want to love and protect them and make their lives sweet. Samantha has trouble trusting others and I still am not sure that she loves me the same way I love her, but I am willing to take whatever she can give. I will do my best to care for her and keep her from ever getting hurt again, even if that means keeping my past a secret. God forgive me.

     The last entry was several months after they were married
-

    
I know I am not the man that Samantha wants me to be. Despite my strong love for her I am not able to carry that over to sexual intimacy. What a letdown this must be for her…she hasn’t complained, but I can see that she is hurt by my excuses. I can’t exactly say ‘I’m just not attracted to you’, that wouldn’t be true anyway. I do find her attractive, but somewhere between here and there my past flashes back and I am sickened by it all. I have almost confessed to her, but losing her would kill me. I think that I have made a big mistake. I have been so selfish! I have allowed this young woman to marry me based on the promise of intimacy and honesty and I am living a lie. How will I ever make it up to her? How will I keep her when she wants a real man?

    
The last few lines were written dark and large, showing the emotion behind the words. Samantha had no tears left. But she grieved for the hurting man who only wanted to love someone and be loved back. He had married a woman that had closed herself off to that love stupidly thinking that real love always had a corresponding intimacy. She finally realized how much he loved her and that he had been struggling with it all as much as she had. If they only could have been honest with each other, how different things could have been. Her sleep that night was a dreamless sleep of one whose mind was too frazzled to even dream.

     Sunday she did not go to church, but stayed in bed feeling ill and depressed. Finally she was able to fully grieve over Richard’s death in a way that her bitterness had not allowed her to before. It hadn’t even been a year since his death and so much had happened. She was feeling guilty for her new found feelings shared with Daffyd and agonized over the whole situation. After much soul searching, she finally called Daffyd.

     “Hey
, Beautiful, I tried calling you last night,” said Daffyd as he answered the phone.

     “I know
. I am sorry I didn’t pick up, but things were pretty hairy over here,” she explained.

     “Are you
ok? You sound like you’ve been crying, is everything good with Seanna?” he asked.

     “Seanna is fine…Daffyd, there is something I have to talk to you about, and I need you to just let me say it all without any interruptions. Can you do that?” she asked.

     “Samantha what’s up?” he asked concerned.

     “Can you do that Daffyd?” she asked again.

     “Yeah, just tell me…what’s wrong?”

     “Well I have spent the last day reading a journal that belonged to Richard. The new owners of the store found it and thought that I might want to have it
. I almost wish that it had stayed lost forever…anyway, Daffyd, I need some time to think, and I need you to let me have that time without phone calls or letters. I’m really confused right now and I can’t trust my own feelings,” she said.

     “Samantha
, what are you talking about?” he asked.

     “I just found out that Richard loved me,” she whispered.

     “Of course he did, Samantha, you already knew that,” Daffyd reminded her.

     “No, Daffyd
, he
really
loved me. I cheated him out of a happy marriage all because of my doubts and fears! Because I had some warped sense of what love was supposed to be, I never saw the real love that he had for me! How can I trust myself to love again?”