Same Old Truths (11 page)

“Really, Mom?” the little girl said. There was no mistaking the pure delight in her eyes. “When?”

“Sometime this week. He’ll give you call.”

Kay didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Now it was her turn to deflect the conversation. “Are you going to want that other sandwich?”

“Yes, please.”

As Kay walked over to the stove to get things ready for Mariah’s second grilled cheese her attention was drawn to the kitchen window by a dramatic change of color in the late afternoon sky that mirrored her changed mood. She let out a bittersweet sigh. Her heart ached for this September and all the sad ones past.

9

Always Use Protection

Kay carefully backed the gold-colored hearse out of the garage and parked it under the canopy of the mortuary car port. It’s sparkling condition, inside and out, was evidence Leo had given it his usual all-out cleaning effort.

Kay knew it was crazy, but driving the hearse for a funeral filled her with excitement. She got to be the lead car directly behind a police escort. Traffic was stopped in every direction to let the slow, sad parade of cars with their headlights on, pass in procession. To underscore the near-thrilling experience, Kay always played her Bee Gee’s Saturday Night Fever CD, with the volume turned up to near ear-splitting levels during “Staying Alive.”

Everybody’s got their little eccentricities.

Once at the church, she would resume her dignified, funeral director persona. This morning she would be directing Emily McNab’s funeral, with Ed making a mandatory appearance at the church to satisfy the legal conditions of her apprentice license. Emily had lived a mere six weeks after the day Kay had put her final wishes to paper. With a mixture of sadness and pride, Kay was ready to see Emily’s wishes through.

On her trip back to the garage to retrieve the limousine she met up with Ed who had just arrived to begin his day. Kay was struck by how impeccable he looked in his charcoal gray suit, crisp white shirt and burgundy tie. She was about to compliment his appearance when she noticed the un-rinsed remains of shaving cream clinging to the outer rim of his right ear.

“Hey, Kay,” he said in a hearty greeting. “Are we ready for this busy morning?”

“Well, I am, but I don’t know about you.” She reached up and gently brushed the dried foam from her boss’s ear. She had never been so familiar with him and by the embarrassed expression on his face, she wondered if she had crossed some kind of unspoken line.

“Thanks,” he said with a nervous laugh. “I gotta start shaving
before
I get in the shower.”

Instantly, the image of a naked Ed, traces of shaving cream streaked on his handsome face, stepping into the shower, flashed in Kay’s head. She felt a surge of warmth in the lower reaches of her anatomy and thought it would be wise to change the subject.

“Leo sure did a great job on the cars,” she said a little too enthusiastically. She hurried for the safety of the furthest reaches of the garage where she expected to find the exceptionally clean limousine.

“Come by my office when you’re done parking the car,” Ed called after her. “We need to double-check a couple of last minute things.”

Kay didn’t respond but it didn’t matter because he was already on his way to his office. She took her place in the driver’s seat and let out a raggedy sigh before inserting the key. She started the ignition, put the car in reverse and, because she didn’t trust her skills using the rear view mirror, she extended her arm across the back of the seat and turned her head around to guide herself out of the long garage.

“Oh crap!” she said. A mass of crumpled tissues, discarded paper cups, food crumbs and other bits of trash was strewn across the expanse of the stretched rear of the car. She had spoken too soon.

“Damn you, Leo,” she muttered under her breath. He had to be located as quickly as possible. Uncle O would be here soon to get the limo for a 9:45 pick up at the McNab’s home.

Kay thanked God she was rear view mirror-challenged. Had she not turned around, the stellar reputation of the mortuary could have easily taken a hit. But saving face for Salinger’s was the least of it. It pained Kay to remember the look on Emily McNab’s face during the prearrangement, when she insisted her husband and family ride to her funeral in the grandeur of a limousine. It was obvious Mr. McNab didn’t approve of the unnecessary extravagance (or cost) but couldn’t bring himself to deny the dying wishes of his wife. And now, instead of riding in the posh splendor Emily McNab had envisioned, Kay might have to cancel the limousine due to luxury-spoiling filth.

She quickly parked the limo behind the hearse and set out to look for Leo. There was still time for a quick trash removal and vacuuming.

Ed spotted Kay as she sped by the door of his office. “Kay,“ he called out, “did you forget me?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry,” she said, putting on the brakes and making a tight u-turn back to Ed’s office. “Have you seen Leo?”

“Yeah. I sent him to the cemetery with the lowering device. Why?”

“Do you know when he’ll be back?”

“He just left. He probably won’t be back for an hour. Why?”

“Well…it’s just that the limo is a mess and Uncle O will be here any minute to go pick up the family.”

Kay hated being a snitch, but Leo had put her in an untenable situation.

Ed’s bright mood of a few moments earlier quickly turned. “God damn it, Kay! Didn’t you just tell me he had done a great job?” Ed was a stickler for perfection, and little hiccups like these usually drove him over the edge.

“I know, I know. It’s just, well, the hearse looked great so I just assumed the limo would be in the same condition.”

Her explanation sounded lame and whiny and she was ashamed she couldn’t come up with something better.

Ed pulled back the starched white cuff of his sleeve and looked at his watch. “He’ll never make it back in time. Sorry, but you’re gonna have to take care of it yourself. I’ll talk to him when he gets back. Now, let’s go over this morning’s timetable.”

They synchronized the details of her service, so Ed would know when to make his official appearance at the Episcopal church. When they were done, he pushed his chair back and placed the palms of his hands on the tops of his thighs. “So, I guess I’ll see you sometime around 10:15. You better get going on that limo.” Then he rotated his chair toward the file cabinet against the wall and busied himself looking for something. Kay had been dismissed.

Leo. You little shit.
I hope Ed reams you a new one
.

Kay had about 30 minutes before the McNab’s were expecting Uncle O. It would be cutting it close, but she figured she had enough time to do an adequate cleaning. On her way to the store room to get the car vac and couple of plastic bags for the trash, she made a quick pit stop at the ladies room to remove her pantyhose. Kay hated the way her bare feet felt inside her expensive pumps but she couldn’t risk getting a run in her stockings. And now she was going to be cleaning and vacuuming on her knees in her best Talbot’s suit. All because Leo didn’t do his job.

Better not forget the rubber gloves.

Thinking of all those dried, snotty tissues was making her madder by the second.

Fifteen minutes, a myriad of cups, Kleenexes and freshly-vacuumed floor mats and seat cushions later, Kay had the interior of the car looking ship-shape. Inching backward out of the car on her knees, she caught a glimpse of one last bit of trash she’d missed hiding under the driver’s seat. Lowering her chest to the floor, she stretched her arm under the seat as far as it would go. She grabbed the item and pulled it out and raised herself up from her crouched position. She took one look at the used condom swinging from her fingers, screamed and flung it across the top of the front seat, where it stuck to the air conditioner vents on the dash. She knelt there staring at the thin latex mess, a million scenarios racing through her mind.

Maybe Ed is some sort of kinky mortician who got his jollies from screwing women in the back of a funeral car.

Then she imagined Leo taking advantage of the comfort of the expansive interior and privacy of the garage to entertain female friends. But she quickly put that thought out of her mind. Leo wasn’t exactly what you’d call a “ladies man.”

Maybe it was a client channeling their grief into lust, stealing away from a boring after-funeral reception, to feast on catered food and other grief-consoling treats.

Regardless, she didn’t have the time (or desire) to figure out the repulsive mystery. She was just glad she had discovered it before one of her unsuspecting passengers inadvertently unearthed it. She left the offending prophylactic on the dash until she re-parked the limo behind the hearse. With a new set of latex gloves, she carefully peeled it away and discarded it deeply in the bowels of her trash bags. Unfortunately, there wasn’t time to wipe down the vents. Uncle O was at the driver’s side door, big smile on his face, proudly ready to assume his chauffeuring duties.

* * *

Kay was in the break-room getting her Slim Selections Butternut Squash Ravioli lunch ready for the microwave. This morning’s limousine mishap had been a close call. She was pleased she’d been able to pull everything off relatively smoothly. Even Ed’s appearance at the church had been a small triumph for her. Upon offering his condolences to Mr. McNab, the grieving widower thanked Ed for his services and congratulated him for having such a competent, compassionate staff. Ed had walked to the back of the church where Kay was standing, patted her on the shoulder and said, “good job!” before he hurried back to the mortuary. It was quite a generous gesture from a boss who had a reputation for being stingy with compliments.

The whirring of the microwave masked Ed’s entrance into the break-room. Kay was staring at the little glass window in the door with a curious smile on her face as she watching her raviolis spinning round and round.

“That food must be pretty entertaining,” Ed said with a laugh, startling Kay out of her reverie. “Mine’s boring. It only gets hot.”

“Oh hi. I didn’t hear you come in.”

The microwave beeped, and she pulled her steaming convenience meal out of the little white oven. She grabbed a plastic spoon and a napkin from the counter top and headed over to the table in the middle of the small room.

“I was just thinking about something that happened during my funeral service,” she said.

She pulled out a chair and set her place at the table.

Ed opened the refrigerator and pulled out a can of soda. Kay guessed he was probably off to some important engagement and wouldn’t make time to eat. With a quick pop of the tab and familiar burp of trapped C02, Ed’s liquid lunch was ready for consumption. He took a big gulp, uncouthly wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, looked over at Kay and said, “Well?”

“Huh?” Kay answered, not sure what he was asking.

“Are you going to share?” referring to her previous comment.

“Oh,” she said with a laugh.

Kay explained to Ed how at the moment she was closing Emily McNab’s casket for the last time, the solemn moment had been pierced by a small, but insistent voice from the back of the church. An inquisitive little girl wanted to know, “Mommy, who’s that lady in the suitcase?” With the exception of the child’s mortified mother, the congregation had enjoyed a good laugh.

“It was so touching, Ed. Mr. McNab went out of his way after the service to talk to the little girl and assure her mother no harm was done. He said he was sure Emily was up in heaven laughing with everyone else. You know, it made me think of that saying…let’s see…how does it go? …
ask not what your country…,
no - wait - that’s not it.”

“Do you mean, ”
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console?”
Ed offered.

“That’s it!” Kay cried.

“Yeah,” Ed said, “It’s from the prayer of St Francis, delivered in Assisi at his first inaugural address.”

She had just taken a spoonful of raviolis when the realization of her mistake, combined with Ed’s dead-pan delivery, triggered a deep belly laugh that sent her little pasta pillows flying out of her mouth in a very un-lady-like fashion.

The scene disintegrated from there. At the sight of Kay’s spit take, Ed could no longer play it straight. He and Kay were both roaring with laughter. Every time they quieted down, they’d look at each other and be off again. They had almost managed to regain their composure when Leo walked in to fetch his brown bag lunch from the fridge.

“What’s so funny?” he asked, smiling at the merry carrying-on. In light of the situation with the dirty limousine, Leo’s appearance dampered the mood more effectively. With one last smothered chuckle, Ed said, “Oh, nothing.” Then, as was his custom, he hurried out of the room, shooting his final comments over his shoulder. “Hey, Leo. When you’re done eating, come see me in my office.”

“Will do, Ed,” Leo blithely called after him, completely unaware of the tongue lashing that was in store for him.

Kay returned her attention to her lunch, which was beginning to get cold. Reheating the meal would have surely turned the pasta to rubber, so she stirred the contents of the little plastic tray, hoping to transfer some of the remaining heat to the colder portions sitting on the top.