Salvation (The Protectors, Book 2) (7 page)

Except that Seth had seen it. He’d seen and felt more than I’d realized and it had left its mark on him. I doubted it had changed the core of who he was but the reality was, it
had
changed him. And worse, the people who were supposed to bring him back to who he was, who he’d always been – Trace, me – we’d failed him and that had changed him too.

I’d come here to keep my promise to Trace to make sure Seth was safe, but I’d broken that promise every time I’d lied to Seth about his brother’s death and about my role in it. Every time I’d asked Seth how he was doing but never really heard his answer, I may as well have been spitting on Trace’s lifeless body. And when I’d walked away from Seth because of one innocent kiss, I’d flung my promise back in my dead lover’s face. Because nothing I’d done had been about protecting Seth. It had been about assuaging my own guilt. It had been about protecting
me
.

By the time I reached the ferry dock, I knew I needed to make a choice. A very simple choice. I could try fixing what I’d broken or I could walk away for good this time. No watching Seth from afar, no tracking him, no using the endless resources at my disposal to make sure he was okay. A clean break. Or I had to find a way to be around Seth, to give him what he needed without taking what I wanted. Because now, more than ever, I knew he deserved better than me.

It wasn’t until a car behind me honked that I realized the traffic in front of me had started moving onto the ferry. I needed to make a decision and I needed to make it fast.

Seth

Ronan was gone.

It was ridiculous to be so disappointed about losing something I’d wanted so badly, but I wasn’t going to delude myself into believing a little piece of my heart hadn’t broken off and disintegrated. Okay, a big piece.

I hadn’t realized Ronan hadn’t left last night until I’d stepped out of the house in the early morning darkness so I could catch the first ferry leaving the Clinton terminal. I’d been both relieved and upset to see his car sitting just behind mine in the driveway, and those same emotions had hounded me all day up until I’d pulled through the iron gate at the end of driveway and waited for the house to come into view. Then it had just been a stark feeling of disappointment as I’d stared at the empty spot where Ronan’s car had been.

Work had been uneventful but only because I’d spent most of the day hiding out in my office so I wouldn’t have to explain the bruises on my face. The only person I’d told about the mugging was my father’s business partner - I still hadn’t gotten used to calling him my business partner, though that was what he was now. Stan had been horrified and hadn’t argued when I’d told him I would be hiring a security company to monitor the garage twenty-four hours a day. I’d left at lunch for my daily ritual of driving out to my old house and had been insanely proud of myself for having the courage to make the trip to my car by myself, despite Stan’s offer to escort me back and forth. Stan was the only person besides Barry who knew how much I struggled with leaving my house. And while I liked how supportive Stan was, the first person I’d wanted to share the small success of being able to make it into work today despite what had happened yesterday was Ronan.

But Ronan was gone…because I’d asked him to go.

I tried to focus on the computer in front of me but couldn’t make sense of the words I’d been staring at for several minutes now. I left the office early every day since I wasn’t yet comfortable enough with my driving skills to be driving around downtown Seattle during the worst of rush hour, but I almost always continued work as soon as I got home. But it was clear that today was going to be another exception but, unlike yesterday when I’d had the excuse of the mugging and Ronan’s untimely arrival to distract me, today it was just my own self-pity that kept me from making any progress on the contract I’d been studying. I turned off the computer monitor and started putting my papers back in the laptop bag I carried back and forth with me to work, but stilled when I heard the front door open. Bullet was outside but since I hadn’t heard him barking like a maniac, I had to assume it was someone I knew.

I hated the silly little flicker of hope that flashed in my chest for just a brief moment before dying a sudden death when I heard Barry calling my name.

“In the study,” I said loudly enough for Barry to hear me as I finished putting my stuff away.

Barry was becoming more and more of a problem for me, but I had no idea how to deal with it. When I’d first called him nearly six months ago to ask him to help me deal with my anxiety about leaving my house, I’d been grateful for his support and insight into the trauma I was dealing with. I hadn’t told him all the details of the attack on my family, despite his incessant pressure to tell him everything. But he had offered me some tools to deal with the stress that came over me whenever I considered trying to walk out the front door. He’d even been the one to help me get my driver’s license since I hadn’t had an adult available to teach me to drive when I was sixteen.

I knew Barry was gay from early on because he’d told me he was when I’d admitted my sexuality during one of our early sessions. I wasn’t sure why he’d told me – maybe he’d thought it would help me open up more, but since my parents had always been supportive of my sexuality, it wasn’t something I was overly concerned with and I had mentioned it to him only when he’d asked if I had a girlfriend. I hadn’t really ever thought of the relationship Barry and I had as being anything other than professional, but I’d started to realize a couple months ago that maybe things had changed for him. It had been subtle at first – touches here and there, a little bit of flirting that even I recognized. His questions about whether or not I had ever had a boyfriend, his jokes about me just wanting to get out of the house so I could date someone and his comments about how attractive I was, had all made me start dreading our sessions rather than anticipating them. But I knew from experience that I wasn’t the best at reading people - my actions around Ronan three years earlier were proof of that - so I’d brushed all my discomfort off and focused on trying to find the courage I needed to get out of the house and finally start living. But when Barry had actually started to discourage me from testing myself with trips outside my comfort zone when he wasn’t around, I’d known that I’d have to do something about our professional relationship sooner rather than later.

“There you are,” Barry said as he entered the study. His skin was flushed like he’d been running, which didn’t make sense since it was a short walk from the front door – the door that had been locked but which Barry clearly had no reservations about using the security code I’d given him for emergencies on. I’d asked him once to call ahead of time to let me know he was coming but he’d brushed me off with a little laugh. I supposed it would have been just as easy to change the code, but the non-confrontational part of me hadn’t wanted to deal with explaining to Barry that his behavior was just too much.

“Hi, Barry,” I said. “What are you doing here?”

“You never called me to reschedule our last session, so I thought I’d stop by and make sure you were okay,” he said as he came right up to me despite the fact that I’d been hoping to use the desk to keep some distance between us. “Besides, I was worried about you. That…man,” – his voice dripped with disgust – “was so rude yesterday.”

I didn’t bother to point out that Barry had been rude first by talking down to Ronan like he had.

“I’m doing okay,” I murmured. “But I’m kind of tired so I just want to take Bullet for a quick walk and then settle in for the night.”

Of course, Barry didn’t take the hint because he stepped forward and ran his hands up and down my arms. “You know you can tell me anything, right Seth?” he said softly.

I had no idea what he meant by the question but I was too preoccupied with his touch to give it much thought. I should have enjoyed the contact. Barry was a good looking guy. He was smart, funny, successful. But all I wanted to do was pull away from him. His fingers didn’t burn my skin with flashes of energy, his lips didn’t look warm and inviting, his voice didn’t rumble through me.

“I know,” I managed to say.

“That man-”

“Ronan,” I interjected because it annoyed me to hear Barry refer to Ronan that way…as if Ronan was somehow beneath him, beneath us.

“I didn’t like how he looked at you,” Barry murmured as he stepped even closer to me. I hadn’t even realized he’d maneuvered me so that my back was to the desk until his hands came up to hold my face and I couldn’t move any farther back.

“Barry…”

“Like he knew what you needed and I didn’t…” Barry whispered.

Warning bells started going off in my head as Barry’s eyes fell to my mouth.

“Barry-”

“You’re so beautiful, Seth,” Barry said as his finger trailed over my lower lip. If it had been Ronan, I would have been all over him. With Barry, I just wanted to get away. But when I brought my hands up to remove his from my face, he grabbed them. The move was something I would have expected from Ronan, but I knew within seconds that wasn’t quite true because whereas Ronan’s hold on me hadn’t hurt, Barry’s did.

I tried saying Barry’s name one last time, but the second I opened my mouth, Barry’s lips slammed down on mine and his tongue shoved into my mouth. I was so caught off guard that I didn’t react and he must have taken my stillness as acquiescence because he leaned against me hard, his slightly greater weight pressing me down onto the desk. My head was spinning from the shock of what was happening and I shoved at him as hard as I could. But he still had a hold of my wrists so I couldn’t dislodge him. He pinned my hands to the desk and then he was thrusting his hips against me, his erection pressing into me. His sloppy, wet kiss was revolting and I was about to bite down on his tongue when his weight was ripped off of me. Barry let out a horrified shout as his body went flying and I managed to sit up just in time to see Ronan slam his fist into Barry’s face. Blood spurted from his nose but it didn’t slow down Ronan in the least as he punched Barry again. I managed to reach Ronan just as he pulled a gun out from his suit and put the barrel to Barry’s forehead. Barry and I both froze.

“Ronan, don’t,” I managed to whisper, afraid if I spoke any louder, he’d fire the gun. As much as I wanted Barry to suffer for what he’d tried to do to me, I didn’t want this.

I expected to see Ronan displaying some kind of anger or emotion but there was nothing. Everything about him was cool, calm and one hundred percent ice cold. That in itself was much more frightening than any rage he might have shown. Bullet had appeared by my side, but even the dog seemed to sense the tension because he didn’t move towards either man.

“Please,” I heard Barry croak.

I took a few steps forward and debated whether or not to touch Ronan. I said his name again but he didn’t respond and now that I was closer, I could see a fine tremor in his arm so maybe he wasn’t as emotionless as I’d thought. His finger was resting on the trigger just a little bit too comfortably. I held my breath as I finally reached out my hand to stroke over Ronan’s upper arm, the one that was wrapped around Barry’s throat, not the one holding the gun.

“Ronan,” I said softly again. He didn’t pull away from me like I expected, but he did finally draw the gun back just enough so it wasn’t digging into Barry’s forehead anymore.

“You come near him again, I will end you. Do you understand me?” Ronan asked, his voice low and even. But neither I nor Barry could mistake his tone for what it was – incredibly, undeniably dangerous.

With tears streaming down his face, Barry somehow managed to squeak out a “yes.”

I continued to hold my breath until Ronan stepped back. Barry slowly got to his feet and Bullet chose that moment to start snarling. Between Ronan and the dog, Barry began backing out of the room and as soon as he reached the doorway, he turned and ran. Ronan followed but since he stuffed his gun back into the holster I had to assume was under his suit jacket, I relaxed marginally and then sucked in a deep breath. When Ronan walked back into the room a moment later, I was trying to use the sleeve of my shirt to wipe the taste of Barry from my mouth. A mix of humiliation and shame went through me at the way Ronan looked at me and the need to escape was overwhelming.

“Um, I need to take Bullet for a walk,” I managed to say as I reached for the door that led to the patio. I fumbled with the lock as I felt Ronan come up behind me, but I managed to get it open before he touched me, though I wasn’t sure if that had been his plan. How ironic that that was what I’d been wanting from the moment he’d stepped into the den yesterday, but now the idea of his hands on me made me want to curl up in shame. Because what I really wanted more than anything right then was for him to kiss me so I could get the taste and feel of Barry out of my head.

I pushed out the door and walked around the covered in-ground pool. Bullet darted past me and began running towards the beach. On any other day, I would have smiled at my dog’s antics, but now I just envied his ability to get past the dangerous moment in the study so quickly.

“Seth,” I heard Ronan say gently from somewhere behind me but I just shook my head. I didn’t want kindness or pity or understanding.

“I just need a few minutes, okay, Ronan?” I managed to say once I realized Ronan was still behind me.

“Seth, just wait one second.”

I swallowed hard and forced myself to stop and face him. He was almost directly behind me, but I couldn’t make myself look at him. And when he tipped my face up, I actually closed my eyes. I waited for him to order me to open them but he didn’t say anything. There was no order, no apology, no asking if I was okay, nothing. It felt like minutes had passed, though I knew it had only been seconds. I was just about to pull free of his warm, firm touch when I felt his lips brush tentatively over mine. He paused for a moment, maybe waiting for my reaction, before doing it again. Only this time, his tongue stroked over the seam of my lips and I instantly opened for him. I kept my hands fisted at my sides so my touch wouldn’t send him running, but I couldn’t stop the pent-up sigh that escaped me as his tongue stroked over mine. The kiss was so sweet and reverent and moving, that I felt relief sweep through my whole body. It was a kiss I could take with me for the next several minutes as I tried to process what had happened. Even if Ronan couldn’t get Barry out of my head as easily as he’d gotten him out of my house, he sure as hell had managed to wipe away every last bitter taste of him.

Ronan finally released his hold on me and I opened my eyes. There was no pity or judgement. There was just understanding. The kiss had resolved nothing between us but he’d known I’d needed it.

“I’ll be here when you get back,” he said softly and then he was the one to turn away. I watched him walk back into the house and then I turned to follow Bullet down to the beach. I let my fingers press against my tingling lips as I cast a glance over my shoulder on the off chance that Ronan was watching me from the doorway.