Salvation (The Protectors, Book 2) (19 page)

I heard a muffled wheeze behind me and saw that Seth was struggling to draw in air. I knew he was hyperventilating because his whole body was shaking and he was shockingly pale. “Baby, look at me,” I said as I tucked my gun in my waistband and put my hands on his face. “Hold your breath, okay?”

Seth shook his head violently.

“I know it’s scary but I need you to do it.”

After a few more unsuccessful attempts to draw in air, Seth did as I said and held his breath. I counted slowly and methodically before I told him to release it. I promptly repeated the process and continued to do it until I saw the color start to return to Seth’s face.

“Better?” I asked.

Seth managed a nod but he was still shaking as his eyes skirted back to his car. “Hold on to me,” I said as I took his hand in mine while I reached for my phone with the other one. I led Seth back to the elevator as I waited for the police to pick up. Unlike our elevator ride down to the garage, Seth refused to leave my side and he was gripping my hand with both of his. Once I had given the police the building address, I hung up the phone and turned to Seth and pulled him into my arms. He went willingly and I didn’t feel my own body relax until he finally wrapped his arms around me.

* * *

It took several hours to talk to the police and arrange to have Seth’s car towed to a mechanic after the police finished dusting it for prints. The officer had questioned us in the garage near the car which had made Seth edgy again, but I’d managed to keep him settled by holding on to his hand. When the officer had asked what we wanted done with the car, Seth had been adamant about not wanting to ever see it again. It was a clear indication that though he was holding it together, he was struggling to do so.

I’d called Hawke to tell him what had happened because I wanted him to be on alert in case whoever had vandalized the car decided to go after Seth at his house. The officer had been certain it was just kids messing around and I hadn’t bothered to correct him. The vandalism wouldn’t be much more than a blip on the cop’s radar…to me it was yet another warning that Seth was being targeted.

It wasn’t quite dark by the time we arrived back at Seth’s house. Seth hadn’t said a thing once we left the city and he’d folded in on himself once he’d collapsed in the passenger seat of the rental car that I’d had brought to his office. Several people had seen the commotion in the garage as they were leaving work for the day and many of them had been Seth’s employees. The cops hadn’t bothered to cover up the vile word scrawled on the car so there was no way for Seth to escape the humiliation of it all. Even Stan had come down to investigate and console Seth. And then he’d announced to everyone within hearing range that he was expediting the process of having a security firm come in and monitor things.

I wanted to punch the fucker in the throat.

Since I’d forgotten to grab the opener for the gate from Seth’s car before leaving, I had to enter the code into the keypad. The gate opened and I drove through but I waited until I was sure it had closed behind us before driving up to the house. I knew the security for Seth’s house would be next on my list. As big as the property was, there were just too many points of entry for someone to access the grounds. Putting a fence around it was the first line of defense, but he’d need some other security measures as well. If I had my way, he’d hire himself a couple of full time guards to monitor the property.

Because I wouldn’t always be around to watch out for him.

Hawke was sitting on the steps leading up to the house when we arrived. Seth finally realized we were home and got out on his own, but he seemed stiff and uncomfortable as he made his way to the door.

“You okay?” Hawke asked, his voice surprisingly gentle as his eyes met Seth’s.

Seth nodded. I could hear Bullet barking inside excitedly and it was on the tip of my tongue to ask Hawke why the dog was inside when Seth said, “I’m just going to let him out.”

Hawke carefully grabbed Seth by the arm before he could reach for the door. “Just a second, Seth.”

“What?” Seth asked. “What is it?”

Hawke’s eyes shifted to mine and I went on alert. I could tell he had something he needed to say. “It’s okay. You can tell us both.”

Seth seemed confused and he took a few steps back so he was standing next to me. We watched as Hawke rose. As he stood, he grabbed a plastic baggie that had been sitting on the step next to him. “I found these down by the gate a little while ago.”

Hawke handed me the bag and I sucked in a breath when I saw what it was.

“Is that…hamburger meat?” Seth asked.

Hawke merely nodded, though his eyes remained on me. I used my fingers to maneuver the baggie to separate one of the chunks of meat. I barely held back a string of curses at the sight of the green pellets that greeted me.

“What…what is that?” Seth asked as he leaned over to get a better look.

“It’s rat poison,” Hawke responded.

Seth snapped his head up. “What?”

I handed the bag back to Hawke. “It was meant for Bullet, Seth.”

Seth seemed confused for a moment and then he shook his head. He automatically started towards the door but Hawke stepped in his path and grabbed him by the shoulders. “He’s fine, Seth. He was with me the whole time. He never ate any of it.”

Seth managed a shaky nod and Hawke released him. “Why?” he asked. “Why would someone do that?” Seth looked at me. “I don’t have any neighbors so his barking couldn’t have bothered anyone. And he never leaves the property…”

Hawke saved me from having to answer and I was supremely grateful because I struggled with having to tell Seth the truth.

“Whoever it was wanted Bullet out of the way so it would be easier to get to you.”

It took a minute for Seth to comprehend Hawke’s words and he sank down onto the steps. “Oh God,” he whispered. I moved to sit down next to him. His breathing was sketchy but he hadn’t escalated into a full blow panic attack yet. “You were right,” Seth murmured as he looked at me.

“No one touches you, remember?” I said firmly. Seth studied me for a moment and I knew he was remembering my words from the day before when Abernathy had gone after him. He finally nodded and then stood and headed for the door.

“I should go get dinner started,” he said numbly.

“Keep Bullet inside,” Hawke said. “I want to check the grounds again. You should probably keep him on a leash for the next few days when you take him outside.”

Seth managed a nod and then he was pushing into the house.

“Fuck,” I snarled as soon as the door closed.

“It was close, Ronan. Bullet saw the meat before I did…if he wasn’t as obedient as he is, he would have eaten all of it before I could have stopped him. I wouldn’t have even known what it was.”

I scrubbed my hands over my face in a vain effort to get control of myself.

“Any idea who’s behind this?” Hawke asked.

I shook my head. “There are a couple guys it could be. His piece-of-shit therapist, but I’m not sure he has the balls to pull this off. He had a run-in with this union president asshole yesterday. Only the guy didn’t have a problem with Seth until the news about the possible sale of the company leaked a few days ago…And I don’t believe for a second that the mugging or Bullet getting shot was a coincidence.”

“I think we should bring some more guys in. The property is too big to maintain a completely secure perimeter with just one person.”

I nodded. “I want you to come with us to New York the day after tomorrow. I don’t think the threat will follow him there, but I want someone else watching his back besides me.”

“No problem.”

“Thanks,” I muttered as I went up the steps. I had my hand on the door when I turned to face Hawke. “Daisy has a case. The guy’s only about an hour away-”

“I’ll take care of it,” Hawke said instantly. “Just go be with him.”

Relief flooded my system, but I wasn’t sure if it was because Hawke was giving me an out to ending another life or if it was because he knew I needed to be with Seth tonight. I nodded and turned my back to him. “Thank you,” I said softly as I opened the door. I didn’t wait to see if Hawke said anything back.

Once inside, I checked the kitchen for Seth but it was empty. I didn’t bother checking the rest of the lower floor for him because I suspected where he’d gone. I was right when I opened his bedroom door. He was lying in the middle of his bed with Bullet next to him, his big body pressed up against Seth’s front. Seth’s eyes were open, but I wasn’t sure if they were really seeing anything. His hand was buried in Bullet’s fur. Bullet looked at me and thumped his tail but didn’t move from Seth’s side.

Because he knew what Seth needed.

And for once, so did I.

I went around the other side of the bed and toed off my shoes before climbing on the mattress and lying down next to Seth. I shifted my position so my front was pressed to his back.

“I can’t,” Seth whispered. “Please, Ronan…I can’t.”

I knew what he was talking about and shame went through me that he thought that I would take advantage of him while he was this vulnerable.

“I know,” I whispered just before I placed a kiss on the back of his neck. I wrapped my arm around Seth’s waist and shifted forward until there was no space between our bodies.

“I have a confession to make,” I said to Seth.

I felt Seth tense against me. “What is it?”

I remained quiet for a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, “I’ve been letting you win at Tetris.”

It took Seth a moment to catch up and then he relaxed in my hold and let out a little laugh. “Liar,” he chuckled.

The insertion of levity seemed to work because Seth reached down to take the hand I had pressed against his stomach and drew it up to his chest. He linked our fingers together and then turned his head to look over his shoulder at me. I leaned down to brush my lips over his but kept the kiss brief.

“I won’t let anyone hurt you,” I whispered. “Ever.”

“I know,” Seth responded, his eyes on mine. He turned his attention back to Bullet but his next words stole my breath. “I love you, Ronan.”

Seth

“You okay?”

I managed a shaky nod and tried to unclench my fists where they were bunched in my lap. The jet was in final preparations for take-off, so I knew I hadn’t even gotten through the worst of it yet. The layout of the luxurious plane was such that some of the seats were actually the size of loveseats and they faced the middle of the plane rather than the front of it. I’d chosen one of the benches so Bullet would have more room to lie at my feet. Ronan was sitting across from me on another bench and Hawke was closer to the back of the plane.

I hadn’t had any issue with Ronan’s suggestion that we leave for New York a couple days ahead of schedule. And while I didn’t like the feeling that I was running away from something, I knew I was too close to breaking down completely after what had happened in the parking garage at my building and the second attempt on Bullet’s life.

After Ronan had crawled into bed with me, we hadn’t talked much because my mind and body had started to shut down from the stress. But feeling Ronan’s warmth at my back had helped ease the sense of cold that had settled over me and I’d managed to fall asleep at some point. Ronan was gone by the time I woke up the following morning, but Bullet had still been in bed with me. It had been well after ten in the morning when I’d woken up and found Ronan working on his computer in the kitchen. I’d been torn between the need to leave the house and go to work just to prove to myself that I still could, and spending the rest of the day hiding out in my room like I wanted to. Ronan hadn’t pushed me either way, but it was his whispered words from the night before that had me making a decision.

I won’t let anyone hurt you. Ever.

I
had
believed Ronan when he said that. So I’d asked him to take me back to the office. I’d been too on edge to actually get any work done, so we’d only stayed for a little while. The hardest part had been going down to the garage to get the rental car. I hated that I’d been forced to seek out Ronan’s hand yet again, but I’d known if I didn’t have him to ground me, I wouldn’t have been able to move forward.

It was over dinner the night before that Ronan suggested we leave for New York the following day. Ronan and I had played video games after dinner, but my heart hadn’t been in it and I’d excused myself early so I could go to bed. A part of me had hoped that Ronan would come to me again like the night before but he hadn’t. I knew it was for the best because despite Ronan’s words that no one would ever hurt me again, I knew he was wrong. Because he was the one hurting me. Every look, every touch was a reminder of what I would be losing when Ronan decided to walk away from me again. I
had
been wrong about Ronan’s feelings the night we’d made love and I’d confronted him afterwards about his unwillingness to let me comfort him with my touch.

It was in that moment that I’d finally come to accept that I couldn’t fix whatever was broken inside of Ronan. I’d thought by giving him every part of myself that it would be enough, but it wasn’t. It never would be. Ronan had and always would love only one man. A man I couldn’t compete with and didn’t want to.

The jet jerked over some kind of bump on the tarmac and I barely managed to swallow the whimper in my throat. I’d been on planes before, but I’d been so young then that being on them had been more about the excitement of going anywhere other than home. I hadn’t yet understood the concept of mortality or how one simple twist of fate could change everything.

Bullet sat up and put his head on my lap. I managed to unclench one of my hands long enough to drop it on his head, but as the jet began racing down the runway, I felt my panic start to rise. Bullet whined but it was Ronan who got up from his seat and moved across the jet to sit down next to me. I saw the single flight attendant flash him a disapproving look, but I doubted Ronan noticed or even cared. His hand forced mine open so he could link our fingers and then he was drawing my body against his. In one way, it was exactly what I needed. In another way, it was exactly what I didn’t.

My second declaration of love had been ignored just like the first one, but I really hadn’t expected anything different. I’d sensed that I wouldn’t have much more time with Ronan because he had continued to withdraw from me emotionally, even as he physically kept me close. And once several more men had arrived to watch the house, I’d felt like it was the beginning of the end. Because Ronan was only keeping his promise not to let anyone hurt me. He’d never promised me he’d stay with me.

Once the jet was airborne, I straightened so I was no longer pressed against Ronan’s broad chest. I carefully tugged my hand loose and put it back in my lap. Ronan quickly got the message and got up to go talk to Hawke. I kept myself busy by massaging Bullet’s ears but when he finally dropped back down to the floor of the plane, I had nothing to do but get lost in my own thoughts.

And I’d been doing way too much of that lately.

* * *

If I thought Seattle was bad in terms of congestion, New York was an absolute nightmare. Even being in the relative safety and quiet of the limo Stan had rented to pick us up from the airport, I felt like I was going to throw up at the sight of all the cars, bikes and people. The drive from LaGuardia to the posh hotel in Manhattan took a while because of the midday traffic. Bullet was between me and Ronan on the back seat and Hawke was sitting on the opposite side. Not a word was spoken, but the way both men kept scanning our surroundings had me on edge. Not to mention the sight of their guns sitting in their holsters.

I had no clue who might be after me or why. The mugging had scared me, so had Bullet getting shot. But I’d accepted them as terrible, but random, events. Knowing that someone wanted to hurt me was nearly crippling. Because it took me right back to the night of the home invasion that had killed my parents. And I felt as helpless now as I had then.

When the limo pulled to a stop in front of the hotel, Hawke got out first, then Ronan. I waited until Ronan told me it was okay and grabbed ahold of Bullet’s leash and led him from the car. To my surprise, Ronan took my free hand in his. It both thrilled and irritated me because every time I felt like I had him figured out, he did something that just confused me further.

Once we were checked in and settled in the room, I escaped to the bedroom. I’d ended up booking an actual suite in the hotel so both Ronan and Hawke had their own rooms. Hawke left almost as soon as we arrived in the room. Other than our talk on the beach a couple of weeks ago after I’d made Ronan leave my house, I hadn’t spoken much to Hawke. But I’d realized my first impression of him had been both right and wrong. I knew he was hard and unyielding, but he’d shown his compassionate side as well, especially when he’d been reassuring me that Bullet hadn’t eaten any of the poisoned meat. I also knew that Bullet was a great judge of character and the fact that he spent nearly as much time with Hawke as he did with Ronan meant that for all his darkness, Hawke was a guy you wanted at your back.

A knock on the sliding French doors that closed the master bedroom off from the rest of the suite had me closing my eyes tiredly. “Come in.”

I’d slept surprisingly well the past few nights despite everything that had happened, but I still felt worn out. I was worried what that would mean for my meeting on Tuesday. I needed to be at the top of my game, but the lack of control over what was happening to me just made me feel like a little kid.

Ronan slid the doors open and came around to face me where I was sitting on the bed. “How are you holding up?”

I managed a slight nod but it felt like a lie. My eyes were downcast so I didn’t notice Ronan’s hand until his fingers settled under my chin and tipped it up. “How are you holding up?” he asked again.

God, why could I hide nothing from this man?

I closed my eyes and shook my head.

“How about we go someplace nice for dinner?”

Shaking my head, I said, “I’m not really hungry.”

“You need to eat, Seth.”

I pulled free of Ronan’s hold but didn’t say anything.

“Why don’t you get some rest and I’ll check on you in a little while?” Ronan gave Bullet, who was lying at my feet, a quick pat and then turned to leave.

I knew it wasn’t the time, but there was so much emotion churning in my belly that I just wanted some of the uncertainty to be over. “What are we doing, Ronan?” I said quietly. I was glad when Ronan didn’t ask what I meant. Instead, he turned to face me. But he didn’t answer me.

Frustration welled inside of me. “I can’t do it anymore,” I whispered. “I can’t pretend that what we have is enough.”

“What do you want, Seth?”

I let out a harsh laugh at that. The fact that he had to ask me that question was answer enough and I climbed to my feet. “I want what you had with him,” I admitted brokenly. “No more, no less. I want all of you…I deserve it.”

Ronan dropped his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. His silence was telling and I realized I’d had enough. I moved to the bathroom but stopped in the doorway. “After this is over, I need you to let me go.”

I didn’t wait to see what Ronan’s response would be because I knew there wouldn’t be one. He would fight to save my life, but he wouldn’t fight for us.

And I didn’t have the strength to fight by myself anymore.