Salvaged (36 page)

"It's like nobody has morals anymore," I yelled back. "Boys are
all about getting laid."

"Hey!" Jesus shouted, causing me to flinch. "You don't get to
make that judgment about people, and certainly not about Riley."

My body stood still, but I turned my face away from His voice.

"Since when did I give you permission to judge others? To
assume you know the condition of their heart?" His arms folded
across his chest. "Tell me, Attie, who are you to judge?"

I started to defend myself. "I'm not judging Riley! I'm hurt by
what he did, what he was thinking."

"So you're a mind reader now? You have no clue. You don't know
what Riley was thinking."

"I can assume." I sounded full of myself but didn't care.

"No, you can't."

My jaw went firm; I turned my head and glared at the Lord.

"You can be angry with me all you want, but you don't get to win
this one. You're not right."

I looked away again and rolled my eyes.

Jesus continued, "Have you ever thought about what it is like
to be Riley? To be a boy his age that's trying to do the right thing,
to make moral choices? To follow the demands that I've placed on
him? He's a boy who is trying his hardest to remain pure, but you
know what, Attie? The odds are against him."

I glanced at him out of the corner of my eyes and then looked
away again.

"Society today has made it virtually impossible for him. Sex is
everywhere. What was created to be something loving between a
husband and wife has now become defiled and thrown in his face
on a regular basis. It's in almost every movie, television show, and
commercial he sees. It is in almost every magazine advertisement
or article, it is sung about in songs, made fun of and cheapened
in jokes, and written about on practically every bathroom stall he
enters. The Internet is a trap because access to pornography is at
his fingertips, and he can't even go to the mall without walking past
Victoria's Secret and the large posters of women in nothing but a bra
and underwear.

"Have you ever been in a locker room with fifty other teenage
boys, Attie? Had to sit and listen to everyone's sex stories and wonder what you're missing out on? Question whether or not it's worth
the struggle? To have your friends not only encourage you to have
sex but badger you when you don't? Have you walked in those shoes,
Attie?"

"No," I muttered.

There was more. "His behavior up to this point has been
exemplary. I've been proud of his commitment. Then he plans this
trip ... for you. He wanted to show you a good time, give you a new
experience, and relax and enjoy himself as well. But all of a sudden,
the girl he's passionate about, whom he's been fighting a physical
desire for, walks into his arms barely dressed."

I snapped my head around to look at Jesus. I was fuming. "So
you're telling me this is my fault?"

"No, Attie. Riley is responsible for his own thoughts and actions.
I'm disappointed in him and am dealing with him about it right
now. I'll handle him, and he's very open to my correction. But you
didn't help."

I rolled my eyes and turned away from him again. "Spare me."

"No, thank you, I don't think I will," he replied. "I won't be sparing you at all.

"You're so hopeful for your own Mr. Darcy, your fantasy life, that
you can't even handle reality when it slaps you in the face.

"How easy do you think it would have been for your Mr. Darcy
to stay noble and pure if he lived today? If Elizabeth made suggestive and flirty jokes, touched him seductively, and dressed in clothes
that left little to imagination?

"You don't get to have it both ways, Attie. You can't expect Riley,
or anybody, to resist constant temptation like that. You've set your
expectations at an impossible level, and you're not being fair."

"So what, I'm supposed to dress like a nun?"

"No. But if you care about him, about being a friend, you can
stop judging him and try to make it a little easier for him. He's helping you fight your battle; shouldn't you return the favor?"

My shoulders slumped. "It isn't my responsibility to help Riley
through his lust issues."

"No, it's not," Jesus agreed with me. "That's my job. What I'm
asking-no, telling you to do is have some grace. Let me deal with
Riley and his demons. You've got plenty of your own demons to
confront."

"What?" I turned to face him. "My own demons? I don't even
know what you're talking about."

"Oh really?" He became rigid, and the corners of his eyes tightened. "So you're going to sit up there on your high horse and look
down at everyone else and their issues? I don't think so.

"People are screwed up, Attie. That's why I came to save them,
to save their souls. People are stubborn, prideful, envious, lustful, unloving, uncaring, self-serving... well, I could go on for hours, but
I believe you get the point.

"Everyone sins. Everyone messes up, and everyone you know
and love will hurt and disappoint you at some point-possibly multiple times.

"And guess what, Attie? Newsflash, you're human as well, which
means that you are all those things and you will hurt and disappoint
people as well. So you better start learning how to give some grace
and forgive people because one day you're going to need them to do
the same for you."

"I do give grace! I do forgive! You can't tell me I don't!"

"Really?" he asked.

I stood my ground. "Yes."

He gave me a disgusted laugh and shook his head. "It's no wonder you have nightmares."

"What?"

"You're being eaten up by your own demons. They haunt you,
not memories."

My body started shaking. "I thought you knew everything; you
don't know anything!" I said before starting to walk away.

"What about unforgiveness, Attie?" he called after me. "We can
start there; it seems to be the biggest demon you've got."

"No!" I screamed over my shoulder as I continued to walk away
from him.

"Don't you take another step," he ordered.

I stopped. My breathing was labored, and my shoulders were
heaving. My jaw tightened as I slowly turned to face him. It was as if
I could no longer control my body; I could feel the evil way in which
I looked at him but couldn't stop.

"What about the man who hit the car? Mitchell, are you going
to forgive him?"

It felt as though I'd been slapped.

"Or your mom? Are you going to forgive her for not paying
attention?"

Tears welled up in my eyes, and I shook my head. "Don't."

"Or Melody for distracting her?"

A groan left my body as the tears overflowed.

"Or yourself? Are you going to forgive yourself for surviving?"

My entire body trembled. "Don't," I pled. "Please don't."

"What about your dad, Attie?"

My fists clutched as I lunged toward him. "Don't you bring my
dad into this!"

"Are you going to forgive him for not being there for you in the
hospital? For deserting you when you needed him most?"

I covered my ears with my hands. "Stop!" I screamed. "Don't say
it! Please don't say it!"

"Are you going to forgive your dad for shipping you back to
Oklahoma-"

I shook my head back and forth. "Please don't do this!"

"-for sending you here so he wouldn't have to see your face
every day and be reminded of your mother?"

My legs went numb, and I fell to the ground. "Why are you
doing this to me? Why are you trying to hurt me?"

Wailing, my cries were uncontrollable, and I felt as if I were
going to die from the pain. I wanted to die and escape the grief.

Jesus slowly sat down next to me. "I'm not trying to hurt you,
Attie." His voice became gentle. "But you can't fight an enemy that
you aren't willing to look at."

He sat silent for a few moments before continuing. "Riley's presence only seems to keep them away, but the demons are still there.
They're patiently waiting; they know that he won't be able to protect
you forever. Besides, Riley can't fight your demons for you any more
than you can fight his for him."

I hunched over into a ball and wept.

"Attie, you won't find peace until you fight this battle."

"I'm tired. I don't have the strength to fight anymore."

"I'll give you the strength."

"I don't know how to do this."

"I do."

(Riley)

"Riley, I saw her. She's through those trees in the clearing."
Bringing the walkie-talkie to his mouth, Chase spoke into it, "We
found her."

I turned in the right direction but couldn't make my feet move.
I'd searched for Attie for more than two hours, but now that I knew
that she was nearby, I was terrified to see her.

Composing myself, I made my way to the clearing and found
Attie standing on a large rock with her back to me.

"Charlie?" My fears escalated as soon as she turned around.
"You're bleeding; you're hurt." I walked toward her, but scared that
she might run off again, I stopped myself.

"I'm all right," she insisted. "They're just scrapes; that's all."
Concern filled her face. "Riley, you're shaking ... and have you been
crying? Are you all right?"

I inched closer to her. "We've been looking for you for hours.
I ... I ... was scared to death."

"I shouldn't have taken off like that." Her voice was weak. "I'm
sorry I worried you."

"No, I'm sorry," I whispered. Beginning to reach out to her, I
stopped myself again. "Please forgive me, Charlie."

Attie started to cry and stumbled toward me with outstretched
arms. As if given permission, I ran to her, pulled her close, and gently wrapped my arms around her.

"I can't believe you came looking for me," she whispered.

"Of course I did."

"Not everyone would do that; thank you."

A small laugh escaped my throat. "You're thanking me? It's my
fault you're out here."

"And if you hadn't felt like it was your fault? What then?"

"I still would've been out here looking for you. Don't think
you can run off and I'm not gonna come after you. I'm practically
obsessed, remember?" Tightening my arms around her, I kissed the
top of her head again and again.

"Riley?"

"Yes?"

"You're hurting me."

"I know; it won't happen again."

"No. I mean, right now. My cuts, you're hurting me."

I dropped my arms. "I'm sorry."

"I think I just need to sit down for a second."

I helped her to the ground and then sat down. Looking over my
shoulder, I watched as Chase sat down a bit of a distance away.

I looked back at Attie and cringed. "Your poor face," I said, reaching over and gently touching her chin. Small cuts covered her face,
and blood had dried as it ran from each injury. "What were you thinking running off like that? What if we couldn't have found you?"

"I don't think I was thinking-not about that anyway."

"What were you thinking about?"

"What a jerk you were."

"That makes two of us. That's all I've thought about since you
ran out of the tent."

"Thanks again for looking for me. I honestly didn't expect you
to come after me, especially after the things I said to you."

"I acted completely inappropriately and caught you completely
off guard; of course you acted the way you did. It makes me sick to
think that I made you doubt how I feel about you or that I planned
what happened. This isn't a game for me, I promise."

"I hate to interrupt, guys," Chase said, walking up behind us,
"but it's starting to get dark. Attie, what did you do to yourself?" he
asked, squatting down next to her.

"I wasn't paying any attention to what I was doing. I guess I was
running into branches, and honestly, I never realized I didn't have
shoes on until now."

He looked at her feet and winced. "They're cut up. We'll have to
take turns carrying you."

"Good grief, you guys do not have to carry me. I'm the moron
who ran off without shoes on. Let me suffer the consequences."

"No," Chase and I answered simultaneously.

"It's about to get late; we better go ahead and head back to camp.
We can clean you up when we get there."

I still hadn't completely composed myself, and I was filled with
the guilt of knowing that I'd caused her emotional and physical pain.

"Riley," Chase said, putting his hand on my shoulder, "she's all
right; everything's okay. You need to snap out of it so we can get back
to camp."

I sat in a daze until Attie's voice broke through. "Riley? I'm not
upset with you. Don't feel guilty; it was me that overreacted."

My eyes found her face as she smiled at me.

I stood. "We can talk about it later. Let's get you back to camp."