Salvaged (24 page)

He rolled onto his back and put his head on my pillow. "I don't
know. But don't worry, we'll figure it out. We'll get rid of them
eventually."

"Did you get some sleep last night? Do you feel rejuvenated?"
I asked.

"That would be a no and a no."

"I can't believe you aren't running for the hills by now. I am
a crazy person, you know. You should turn around and walk away.
Walk away as quickly as humanly possible."

"I'd much rather walk toward you than away. I'm not going anywhere. Me or my hair."

"Well then, remember that you asked for it."

"Asked for what?"

"Craziness."

"Fine. I hereby acknowledge that you've made me fully aware
that with you comes a dose of craziness. I accept the challenge-look
forward to it actually."

"Good grief, you are hopeless."

"I've already admitted that."

"Are you hopelessly devoted?" I teased.

Riley laughed. "That's my girl. A little Grease reference, eh?"

"Are you kidding? My mom loved that movie. I've seen it one
hundred times."

"Yes," he added, looking over at me. "As cheesy as it sounds, I'm
hopelessly devoted."

"Good."

We lay there for several more minutes before hearing someone
enter the room.

"Hi, Joshua," I greeted. "Did you gather enough information to
figure me out?"

He walked over and sat onto the bed. "Sadly, no."

"Well, that sucks," Riley admitted.

"Nicole said that you called out for your mom and Melody. You
didn't say anything more than that. She would have had to let it continue to see if you'd say anything else, but she couldn't bring herself
to let it go on."

"I've never heard her say anything else other than `where are
you?"' Riley added.

"Hmm. I don't know what's going on." I could hear the confusion in Joshua's voice. "Nicole did say that when she and the girls
prayed for you that you relaxed and fell right back to sleep. You
never woke up again."

"I do that a lot too," Riley informed him.

"Attie, I don't know what to tell you. I don't know why they aren't
getting any better, but I won't give up if you don't," Joshua said.

"What choice do I have?" I asked. "I don't want them to continue, and it's not like I haven't tried everything I can think of to
make them go away."

Joshua stood to go. "We'll talk more about this when you come
over Tuesday. Don't forget we have DLT."

"DLT?" Riley asked.

"Driver's License Therapy. We're getting her a driver's license
before school starts."

Riley laughed. "Well, good luck with all that."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," I said.

"Whoa now. I wasn't laughing at the idea of you getting a
license. I was laughing at the thought of `Driver's License Therapy.'
It sounded funny." His face turned toward mine. "Trust me, I have
every confidence that you'll get your license."

"Nice recovery," I teased before giving my attention back to
Joshua. "Hey, Josh, please tell Nicole I said thank you."

"I will. She's already at home. She left a while ago to go back to
bed. She said she didn't get much sleep."

"I have that effect on people. Look at poor Riley; he looks
exhausted."

"Well, Riley should have slept fine last night. So, if he didn't get
any sleep, he can't blame that on you."

"I think he couldn't sleep because he wasn't here. He probably
worried."

"Why are you two talking about me like I'm not in the room?"

"Sorry." Joshua laughed. "So why didn't you get any sleep last
night?"

"Charlie got it right. I worried."

"He's a hopeless case, Josh."

"I can see that. I think you two will be keeping me pretty busy.
I'll clear my calendar."

"Thanks, man."

"You're welcome. I'll see you kids later. Stay out of trouble."

I listened to his footsteps make their way down the stairs before
rolling over onto my side. Riley did the same.

"I'm sorry you were so worried that you couldn't get any sleep."

"Thanks, but I wasn't totally honest with him."

"Oh?"

"It is true that I did worry about you. But I think I missed you
more than worried about you. We haven't spent a night apart since
you moved in, and I've gotten used to having you next to me."

"So you can't sleep with me and you can't sleep without me?"

He laughed. "Exactly."

"You do look tired."

"I am."

"I'll leave you alone so you can take a nap."

As I sat up to leave, Riley grabbed my arm. "Why don't you take
a nap with me?"

"We're going to have to start getting used to sleeping apart. We
can't sleep together forever."

"Why not?"

"You gonna marry me, Riley?"

His eyes widened, and his mouth opened in a slight smile. "Is
that a proposal?"

"No."

The smile disappeared. "Bummer. Look, all I know is that for
right now, as long as you're having the nightmares, where you sleep
will be where I sleep."

"Have you forgotten that I'll be moving out at the end of summer? What if my nightmares aren't over by then?"

"I don't wanna think about that."

"Me either."

Slowly, each of the girls came up, packed up their belongings,
said their good-byes, and headed home. The mood was somber due
to the previous night and the knowledge that today would be an
additionally difficult day.

I took a shower and got dressed before walking into Riley's
room, and lying on his bed, I watched as he packed his sketching
materials into their case.

"You going somewhere?"

"We're going somewhere," he informed me.

"We are?"

"Yep. Get your shoes on and let's go."

"Where are we going?" I asked as I headed toward my room.

"I'm not telling."

"Am I going to like it?"

"I sure hope so."

(Riley)

Attie's face went grim, and her body turned to stone.

"No, Riley. Take me home." Her head shook vigorously. "Take
me home right now."

I turned to her, took her hand, and started to kiss her wrist, but
she yanked it away from me.

Refusing to look at me, she stared blankly out the window. "Take
me home!"

"You need to do this, Charlie. You can't move on until you do."

"I can't believe you would bring me here without asking." Anger
filled her face. I was sure she felt as though she'd been sabotaged.

"I'm right here with you. You'll be all right." I got out of the
car and grabbed my sketching supplies and the flowers that I'd purchased while she was in the shower.

Attie didn't move to get out of the car, so I opened the door
for her.

"Riley," she whispered, "I'm not ready to do this. If you care
about me at all, you'll climb back in the car and take me home."

I squatted down in front of her. "Please don't doubt my feelings
for you; it's not fair. I'm trying to help." Her eyes finally met mine.
"It's because I care about you that I brought you here. You've gotta
understand that."

"Please, please take me home." Her hand grabbed my shirt and
held it in a tight grip. "I'm begging you."

"Come on, it's time. It's time to say good-bye." As she released
her grip, I turned and slowly walked away.

After several moments the door shut and footprints followed
behind me as I made my way down the path to my first destination.

Attie hovered several feet away as she watched me unpack my
charcoals and remove a clean piece of paper from my sketchbook. I
placed the paper onto the granite and rubbed the surface. Slowly, the
impression began to reveal itself

I carefully placed the rubbing back into my sketchbook and sat on
the ground to wait for Attie to join me.

Other than the occasional sound of her footsteps, the graveyard was completely silent. Her presence came closer and closer as
I waited.

Finally, after more than half an hour, she sat down beside me.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"I don't know."

"It took months of visiting Melody's grave before I could come
and not have some sort of physical response. The first time I saw her
gravestone I threw up."

Attie rested her head on my shoulder and sighed.

"Seeing her name carved in granite was a shock, and I think
it confirmed that she wasn't coming home-ever. She was gone.
Somehow, seeing the words in stone and the realization that her
body was below my feet ... I don't know, it was overwhelming."

We sat in silence for several more minutes before I spoke again.

"What are you thinking?"

"Part of me is thinking this isn't real-it isn't happening. Like, maybe it's a really bad dream and eventually I'm going to wake up
and Melody and my mom will still be alive.

"Another part of me wishes it would have been me instead of
them ... I would give anything for that. I look at my life and what it's
become and I can't figure out why God just didn't take me instead or
if he was going to take them why he didn't just take me too. Sometimes I think surviving is far worse than death would have been.

"I'm ashamed, because when I should be sitting here having memories of how wonderful they were, all I can think about
is myself and how jealous I am that their pain ended instantly and
mine's gone on day after day.

"They're in a happy place where they feel no pain and they never
experience fear or judgment or rejection or loneliness or shame.
Sometimes I want to be in that place. I want to be where they are.

"I knew every time I looked at my dad that he wished he was
seeing my mother instead of me, and I know that for every moment
that your mom is happy to be having girl time with me she has a million moments where she wishes Melody was here to have that time
with. It's hard to know that deep down inside, whether anyone will
admit it or not, they'd prefer for me to be the one in the ground. If
they were honest with themselves-if you were honest with yourself,
you'd agree that it would have been better for everyone if my name
would have ended up being the one in stone instead of theirs."

"That's not true," I said.

"It is. No matter how much fun your mother and I have together,
I can't replace what she's lost. I can't fill for her what she so desperately needs filled. I can't give my dad back the woman he loved since
high school. Or you-I can't give you your sister back, and I can't
replace what she was to you or the bond that you shared."

"Look at me." I pulled away from her and grabbed her shoulders.
Her eyes were red and swollen, and her face was drenched in tears.
"You're carrying a burden that you shouldn't. It's too much; you're
killing yourself. It isn't your responsibility to try to replace your mom
or Melody, and we don't have you in our lives to act as a substitute
for someone else. We didn't bring you here because we were hoping that we could somehow have a knockoff version of Melody running
around. We wanted you to live with us because we love you and
because you're our family. Yes, we wish all of you were here, but we
never wish that they were here and you weren't."

She shook her head in defiance.

"Hear me, Charlie. Do I miss my sister? Yes, desperately. But
I have never looked at you and wished that I were seeing my sister
instead-never.

"You're gonna have to stop beating yourself up about living, and
you're gonna have to realize that it isn't your job to try to replace
what's gone. It's not your responsibility to try to be everything to
everyone. You can't heal us. You can't take that pain away. You can
help and you can add some life and joy where otherwise there wasn't
as much, but you can't make everything better. Only God can do
that. You're placing expectations on yourself that just aren't fair, and
you're placing thoughts and accusations on people that don't belong
there.

"Your life isn't less valuable than theirs were."

"I wish I believed that," she said.

"Let it go, Charlie. Let them go and let God show you why
you're still here. Let him be the one that convinces you of just how
valuable you really are. No matter how crazy I am about you, I'll
never be able to convince you of that. Only he can do it."