Safe Word (5 page)

She nodded, looking down at the food in her hands before crossing the room and sitting on the couch in the living room. She peeled back the foil lid and dipped her spoon in the strawberry yogurt, stirring it around to mix the fruit.

“What happened to your dad?”

“What the fuck do you care? Little late for concern.”

“Jesus, Cole. I just want to know what happened to you after I left.”

I clenched my jaw, swallowing back all of the nasty things I wanted to say to her.

“You’re about to take your meal to go,” I shot back, narrowing my eyes at her. She looked down at her food, her fingers stilled. “He’s dead. Both of my parents are dead.”

Her eyes shot up, wide and sad.

“Your mom? How?”

“She killed herself when I was nineteen.” I crossed the room and sank down on the couch. I struggled to block out my past, and now it was looking me in the eye and begging me to talk about those secrets I had locked away so many years ago. “She shot herself in the head in our living room. Do you know how rare it is for a woman to commit suicide with a gun?”

She shook her head, tears glossing her eyes.

“Pretty fucking rare.”

“Do you…” her voice trailed off and I avoided her question. I had always held on to the belief that she hadn’t killed herself; that my father had finally put an end to his brutality, but the evidence wasn’t there.

“I found her. I should have been there to stop her.”

“You can’t blame yourself.”

I blamed myself for not protecting my mother. For her death, for losing Rose and not being able to protect her when she was younger. I had spent most of my adult life trying to make it up to all of those I had let down, but it was never enough.

“Eat your food.” I relaxed against the back of the sofa and propped my feet on the old coffee table. I wasn’t having this conversation with her. Not now. Too many years had passed and I was desperately trying to rewrite history for sanity’s sake. Having her here was crumbling the facade and none of this would end well.

She took a bite of her food, flipping the spoon over so she could run her tongue over it. Her eyes flicked to mine and I cleared my throat, pulling my gaze from her mouth. Her lips began to pull up at the corners and I knew she had caught me staring, but it was impossible not to. No matter how I felt about Rose, whether her abandonment was real or imagined, I still harbored a lot of anger toward her and it pissed me off to no end that I also held a lot of love. I wanted to run away with her like I had planned all those years ago. I wished I could take her to California and let her mingle with the stars.

“I thought about you all…” she began.

“Don’t. I can’t fucking hear it.” I ran my hand through my hair and over my stubbled jaw. She only nodded and took another bite of her food. Memory Lane was closed.

“The nightmares? That something new?” She stirred her yogurt.

“You heard that?” I let my eyes fall closed as I thought back to the night before. I’d dreamed of Rose every night. It was never anything new. Some dreams were better than others, but they always ended the same way. I was alone.

“You yelled for me. I yelled back thinking you were in trouble but you never came. It took me awhile to realize that you were having a nightmare.”

That was a first. The fear, the sadness in her voice had been real.

“I didn’t mean to wake you,” I replied, avoiding the real cause for her distress. I didn’t owe her an explanation.

“It’s kind of hard to sleep when you are locked away in some guy’s house.” She laughed sadly.

“Some guy, huh?” I could feel the anger coursing through my veins at her words. That was all I had ever been to her.

“You know what I mean.” Her big brown eyes met mine and I had to clench my jaw to keep everything bottled up inside.

“Yeah. I know exactly what you mean.” I pushed to my feet, my heart sinking in my chest as I held out a hand for her. She hesitated before slipping her hand in mine, and I pulled her effortlessly to her feet. Her body swayed toward mine and I caught her familiar smell. It was amazing how quickly a scent could pull you back into a different time. “Are you done eating?” I asked, my voice wavering as I struggled not to pull her against me. This woman was poison to me, and I wasn’t about to let her get back inside my heart.

“I was too ashamed to find you. You have no idea what it was like. You deserved more than the person I was.” Her fingers slipped from mine, and she held out her empty container and spoon. I took it and cocked my head toward the spare bedroom door. “I hate being alone but there is only one person that I ever felt safe with.” Her voice was barely audible and her chin quivered. I knew that feeling. I had been alone for years, even when someone else accompanied me to my bed. I was never whole. I swallowed against the lump that had formed in my throat. I wanted to pull her against me, feel her warmth, and make her feel safe in my arms.

“I don’t feel like dancing.” Rose smiled politely at the senior who had slid in beside her in the overcrowded gym. I hated functions like this, and I had only come because it gave me a chance to see Rose. We had to be very careful about being seen together, and I craved her more than I craved my next breath.

“Come on.” He pulled her closer to his body as his friends laughed, encouraging him to continue harassing her. Her cheeks flamed as red as her hair, and I knew she was beginning to panic. I could see her finger tips pushing against her thumb as she silently counted, trying to calm herself and keep from freaking out.

“I don’t feel like it.” She pushed against his chest, but he didn’t retreat. He stared down at her with a cocky grin.

I walked by them, making sure my shoulder slammed into his, spinning him backward and effectively taking his focus off Rose.

“What the fuck is your problem, asshole?” he yelled, throwing his arms up in an invitation to fight. I laughed and took a step closer to him.

“You are.” I watched as Rose slipped between the crowd that was forming and out of the door.

“Break it up!” Mr. Walcheck stepped between us, hesitantly. “What is going on here, Colton?” he asked as he folded his arms over his chest.

“Just a misunderstanding.” I took a step back, letting him know I wasn’t going to cause any trouble. He rolled his eyes and sighed as he glanced over the crowd. I headed for the exit, desperate to find Rose. When she got upset it was incredibly difficult to calm her down. I slipped out of the front exit to the school onto the dark, wet parking lot. I scanned the rows of beat-up old cars. There was a couple making out against an old Mustang and another walking down the sidewalk holding hands.

Finally I spotted Rose, leaning against a street lamp with her hands over her face.

“Rose!” I called out to her as I began to make my way across the lot. Her eyes shot up and she stepped toward me, unable to resist the magnetic pull that always seemed to bring us crashing together.

My chest hit hers with a thud causing her to stumble backward a step. I looped my arm behind her back, keeping her firmly against me, my other hand lost in her hair so we were cheek to cheek. I kept my breathing level and steady, and my breath blew against her ear. It was incredibly hard to keep myself calm when she was scared or upset, but I had to for her sake. I needed her to feel my heart pounding against hers, needed her to know she was safe and I wouldn’t let anyone hurt her.

“Shh…” I whispered as I exhaled, feeling her relax against me.

“You’re not alone,” I replied, instinctively trying to make her feel better. She only nodded, looking down at the floor. As she made her way to the tiny bedroom, I wanted to slip inside with her and lock us both away from the world.

“You have everything you need in here. I need to run a few errands.”

“Wait.” She took a step closer, a thousand words unspoken hanging in the air between us.

“I have to go. I won’t be long. You will be safe here. Just be quiet,” I replied and pulled the door closed. I didn’t want to waste any more time worrying about Brock. I slipped into my bedroom and grabbed a pale-gray T-shirt from my dresser. I grabbed my phone and car keys. I stared at the keys for a long moment before I shot him a text letting him know I was coming sooner than he expected.

Let’s do this. I am a busy man.

It didn’t take long for him to respond.

Wrapping up a B&E on George St. Meet you at the club.

I slipped my phone into my pocket and ran my hand roughly over my jaw. It stung not being a part of the force anymore, even if I did know it wasn’t what I was meant for. I’ve had too much anger and struggled to conform to society’s idea of what was right. There was a very large gray area in the world that I felt much more comfortable in. The shadows hid a lot of danger that the cops couldn’t or wouldn’t touch because of arbitrary laws and moral codes. I, on the other hand, did what I felt was right, even if I had to take the wrong path to achieve it. Still, it was painfully hard to admit that I was better off in this life than behind a badge.

I slid my feet into my sneakers and headed out the fire escape. The skies were cloudy and I could smell rain off in the distance. Bad weather always put a damper on my mood and, admittedly, I wasn’t a pleasant person to be around on a good day.

My eyes scanned the alleyway as I made the short trip to the parking garage. Force of habit and police training had kept me alive among the criminal element for the past few years. I pulled the car cover off the Barracuda and took a minute to admire its beauty before shoving the cover into the back seat and sliding inside. My eyes danced over the passenger seat and I shook my head thinking of all the terrified women who had sat in it just days before.

I had become one of the men I hated and, no matter how I tried to justify my actions, I knew I was not a good person. The ride across town was slow, traffic was backed up for blocks. I tapped my thumbs against the steering wheel as an old song played in the back of my mind.

I parked behind the building, even though the front lot was vacant. Most people were still at work and didn’t use their lunch hours to throw money at nearly naked women. I pulled open the door, taking a minute to let my eyes adjust to the darkness. There were no windows, which gave the illusion of nighttime, even at noon. I nodded to the large, bald bartender who returned the gesture as he ran a rag over the inside of a bar mug.

“You look like you could use a dance,” a skinny blonde called from a few feet away. She closed the gap between us, towering over me in her sky-high Lucite heels. She wore a hot-pink bikini that was made with less fabric than a tissue.

“Business meeting, darlin’.” I smiled politely and took a seat in front of the stage. Her hand landed on the back of my chair as she leaned down. Putting her breasts in my face.

“Maybe a drink then?”

“Sure. I’ll take a Budweiser.”

She grinned and walked over to the bar. I watched her leave, my eyes fixed on her tiny ass.

The bass began to thump from the speakers on either side of the stage as a b-list dancer took her place next to the silver pole. You could tell this wasn’t prime time because they didn’t even bother to announce her name. A drunken asshole from the right side of the stage began to yell and clap over the music. She gripped the pole in both hands, her long brown hair swinging behind her. She wore a gold bikini with a frilly slip over the top.

The blonde returned with my beer, sitting the mug down on the ledge around the stage.

“Thanks, sweetheart.” I picked up the mug and took a small sip.

“Little early for that,” Brock called from behind me. I sat the glass back down and wiped the moisture from my palm on my jeans. He was my old partner when I was on the force, but something about him never sat right with me.

“Little early for strippers,” I replied, not bothering to look at him as he pulled out a chair and took a seat beside me.

“Never too early for that.” He held up a finger to the waitress to let her know he wanted a beer as well.

“Is there something you need, Brock?” I asked as the striper on stage pulled off her top.

He dropped a folder into my lap and I picked it up, finally glancing over at him with a cocked eyebrow.

“Our little friend has an extensive record.” He grabbed his wallet from his pocket and pulled out some cash for the woman on stage.

“You do what you gotta do to survive,” I replied as I flipped open the folder and glanced down at the mug shot of Amber. The photo was years old. Her eyes now held a sadness that only years of abuse and pain could cause.

“You’ve held up your end of the deal. I’m doing what I can. I’ll make it go away for her.”

I nodded to him as the waitress brought him his drink and he thanked her. Brock had been with me the night Amber was getting beaten in the parking lot. He knew she needed help to turn her life around, and I was thankful he was willing to do it, even if it wasn’t out of the goodness of his heart.

“What about the other thing?” I asked as I watched the stripper grind against the pole before gripping it and spinning her body in the air.

“I’m a cop, Bishop.”

“So was I once.” I clenched my jaw as I struggled to maintain my composure. “The deal was you would clean Amber’s record and make sure Rose had nothing to worry about.”

“The odds of her even being alive are slim.”

“Just do what I asked. Haven’t I done enough for you?” I glared at him, hating that I even needed to remind him that my life was completely uprooted. Now that I knew Rose was alive, I wasn’t going to let her past hurt her anymore. Her stepfather had been in jail for the last few years, but he’d had a very good chance of getting out. I did what I could from the other side of the badge, but now I had to rely on Brock to get my information, and I didn’t trust that creepy fuck as far as I could throw him. Luckily I finally had Rose back and, if I needed to, I could keep her safe. I shook my head at the idea; I had gone from wanting to get rid of her as soon as possible to thoughts of keeping her locked away from the world.