Safe Word (11 page)

Afterwards I helped ease her onto her back. I grabbed the handcuff key from the drawer and released her wrist, leaving it attached to the bed. I placed kisses across the small red line that the cuff had left and crawled into bed beside her, pulling her tight against my chest as I always had when we were younger. She trusted me just as she did then, and it overwhelmed me to know someone was willing to put their life into my hands.

I kissed the top of her head as we tangled our limbs and drifted off to sleep.

I awoke nearly two hours later with a panicked feeling inside my chest. I wasn’t right to let Rose trust me. I couldn’t keep her safe. Coming back into her life had only caused her to be in more danger then she ever had. I needed to eliminate every possible threat to her. I needed to give her the life she deserved. I was failing her. I slid out of her grasp, looking down at her as she slept peacefully. She wasn’t worried because she trusted me.

I pulled on a pair of jeans and grabbed my cell phone. I paced the wood floor in the living room as I waited for Brock to answer.

“I need an update on Craig.” I ran my hand over my messy hair as I glanced into the bedroom at Rose, who hadn’t moved.

“What is your obsession with this guy?”

“Brock, I need to know.”

He sighed and I could hear him fumbling with something for a few seconds before he responded.

“Craig is out. He got out a few days ago. I wanted to tell you…”

“You wanted to tell me? Why in the fuck would you keep that from me?”

“He skipped out, didn’t visit his parole officer. What was I supposed to do? I wanted to find him before you did.”

“You were supposed to keep him inside.” I glanced into the bedroom. I had let her down again. I wasn’t protecting her, and now we had another asshole to look out for.

“I’ll take care of it.” I replied.

“What does that mean? Bishop, that girl is long gone. She is the past. You need to think about your future.”

I hung up and tossed my phone aside.

“Fuck!” I growled as everything began to crumble around me.

I had her back. I held her in my arms, I had been inside of her and now I was going to be the death of her. Why was this happening? What had I done to deserve to lose her twice?

I watched her sleep for the next forty-five minutes. She smiled and her eyelids fluttered as she dreamed. I felt like I was dying inside. I wanted to hold her, to feel her skin against mine but I knew she would be able to feel the panic inside of me.

I couldn’t take it any longer. I needed to do something to occupy my mind until she woke. I went into the kitchen and began pulling out everything in the cupboards. I was going to make one of my favorite dishes, one that Amber had cooked for me when she lived with me for a few weeks. It had been comforting to have a woman take care of me when I felt like I was completely alone.

I prepared our dinner as my mind got lost in all that was happening. I was willing to risk it all, lose my life if necessary, but I needed to know why. Why now?

Rose wandered out of the bedroom in my T-shirt, rubbing her hand over her eyes. Her hair was a wild mess and she looked absolutely incredible. I set our plates on the coffee table along with two glasses of apple juice.

“Come eat,” I called out to her as I sank down on the couch. Every emotion coursed through my veins as I watched her cross the room with a smile on her face.

“That smells good.”

“It’s beef Stroganoff. A friend taught me how to make it.” She smiled as she sat beside me. She lifted a bite and blew on it before taking it into her mouth. We ate in silence for a few minutes, and I turned on the television just to give us a little background noise and hopefully drown out the doubts that flooded my mind.

“I know how you found me with the news broadcast of my arrest, but I still don’t know the why.”

She sighed and grabbed her glass of juice, taking a long sip. I knew she didn’t want to answer or was about to lie. The body has a noticeable reaction to most situations; if you know what to look for, it is easy to pick up on someone’s true intentions.

“I just…wanted to see you.” She took a bite of her food and made a moaning sound as she savored it.

“After all of these years.” I shrugged as I tossed the remote on the table.

“Is it so hard to believe that I missed you?”

“Yes.”

She looked insulted and I regretted my words, but I couldn’t stop the hurt from spilling over.

“You have no idea…” Her voice trailed off and she took another bite of food.

“You’re right. And if you don’t tell me, I will never know.”

“I’m here, Cole. Isn’t that all that matters?”

I could feel myself slipping again. I wanted her to trust me and at the same time I was forcing her to fear me. Suddenly, pissing off the mob and possibly getting myself killed seemed more pleasant than trying to pry the truth out of Rose. I slammed my plate on the coffee table and grabbed hers from her hand, spilling half of the contents in her lap.

“Hey!” She yelled as she jumped up, letting the food spill onto the floor. I stood and took a step in her direction. She backed up, her hands raised in front of her. “What are you doing?”

“Get out.”

“What?”

“Get the fuck out.”

“I can’t just leave.” She glanced at the door behind her and back to me. “I mean…I can’t, can I?”

“The door hasn’t been locked since I brought you here. You could have run anytime you wanted. Leaving is the one thing you were always good at.”

“What?”

“You’re a lot of things, sweetheart, but stupid ain’t one of them.”

“But what happens to you?”

“We both know that was never your concern. I’ll deal with the mess I made. I’m a big boy.”

Her eyes danced from the door to me again. I took another step, but she didn’t back away and her hands landed on my chest. They were clammy and I knew she was scared, but not of me this time. I glanced down at her delicate fingers splayed out over my tattoos.

“The truth or the door. Those are your only two options.”

She stared at her hands, unable to look me in the eye. I laid my hand over one of hers, holding it firmly against my heart.

“Whatever it is, I can’t help you if I don’t know what is wrong.” Her gaze finally drifted to mine, hope in her eyes.

“I wanted to see you…for years. I have always dreamed about what it would be like to come to you. I couldn’t do it. I knew you had made a better life for yourself, became a cop. You didn’t need someone like me. When I saw that you had been kicked off the force I was worried about you. I was afraid you were going to ruin your life, but I still couldn’t come. It had been too long. I knew you would hate me. When I found out that my stepdad was up for parole, I freaked out. I didn’t know who to turn to.” Her voice cracked and my heart sank. He was a free man, wandering the streets looking for her, and she had no idea.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her body tight against mine, my fingers knotting in her hair as I kissed the top of her head. I breathed slowly against her ear to help her calm down, like I had done when we were teenagers.

“He can’t hurt you.”

Her body shook in my arms and I squeezed her tighter, hoping that she felt safe there, even though I had spent all this time pushing her away.

“He sends me letters under my real name to my mom’s old house. They have been getting forwarded to my place. It was his last address.” She looked up at me. “He said that when they let him out he was coming to get me. He’s obsessed.”

I held her away from me so I could search her face.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Tell anyone? I could have kept you safe.” I didn’t want to yell at her, but Craig was already on the loose and had slipped through my fingers. There was no telling where he was and what he planned to do when he found her.

“No one would listen. Shawn thought I was acting like a child trying to get attention. When I showed him the letters he said that I had led him on and…”

“He said that?” Another name had just been added to my shit list. How could her own fiancé ignore her when she needed him most? How could he possibly think that she had asked for this?

“I think he contacted Craig. After that he barely spoke to me. He treated me like I was dirty. That’s why I am not surprised no one has tried to find me or give the ransom money.”

A fresh wave of guilt washed over me. I had been keeping so many secrets that I had gotten tangled up in my own lies. I squeezed my eyes shut and took a step back from Rose.

“I didn’t contact Shawn for the money.” I ran my hand over my jaw before looking her in the eye.

“What do you mean you didn’t contact him? If he doesn’t pay they are going to kill me!” she shouted.

“Listen to me. Things didn’t go the way we had planned. It was never supposed to be you here, Rose. When they saw us together. When
Whitey
saw us together, he told Danny. They had bigger plans for me, a job that would put me at the top of his food chain.”

“So what…you just were going to keep me here forever? I don’t understand.”

I ran my hand roughly through my hair and shook my head.

“They thought keeping you around after what we had done together was a risk. I knew better and I should have stayed away from you but I couldn’t. I wasn’t going to let them kill you.” I raised my voice, wanting desperately for her to understand.

“Why not send me back to Shawn?”

“I’m fucking selfish, Rose. I wanted you. You and I
belong
together. That prick can’t keep you safe. They wanted you dead and there is nothing that fucking lawyer could have done to stop them.” I didn’t want to tell her that I saw him with another woman. Her heart was fragile enough as it was, and I didn’t want her to break.

“Safe? This is safe?” She gestured around the apartment. “The mob wants me dead, my stepfather wants to kidnap me, and
you
…” Tears rolled over her cheeks.

I took a step closer to her, reaching out and tucking her hair behind her ear.

“I love you, Rose. I know I have a fucked-up way of showing it, but I always have. You just have to trust me.”

“I don’t know if I can anymore.” Her voice was a soft whisper as she stared down at the floor.

“Please don’t say that. Please just let me figure this out. I can’t let you go.”

“The mob thinks I am dead. I could disappear. I need to put distance between Craig and me before he gets out.” She began to pace back and forth as she struggled to figure out a way to save herself.

“He’s out.”

Her eyes shot to mine as the information registered. She charged toward me, pushing against my chest in anger.

“He’s out? He’s out and looking for me?” She sobbed as she shoved harder against my chest. I kept my arms at my sides and let her get her anger out. I deserved the brunt of it.

“I tried to make sure he wouldn’t get released, but once I was kicked off the force there was only so much I could do.” So much was being left unsaid, but I had laid enough information at her feet and anything else might finally be the straw that breaks her.

“I’d be better off out there with him than here. What happens when your
friends
find out that I am still alive? Have you thought of that? They will kill us both because of
you
!”

“You came looking for me, remember? You put yourself here.” I clenched my jaw and met her hard stare. “You got exactly what you wanted. I don’t remember you begging to leave when I was inside of you.”

Her hand came across my face with a flash of stinging pain. All of this fear and anger had come to a head with that one hard blow. I gripped her shoulders, making sure I had her full attention.

“I shouldn’t have said that to you.” I pressed my forehead against hers and closed my eyes, inhaling her scent. “That wasn’t fair. I’m sorry, Rose. I’m so sorry. Let me try to make this right.”

“There’s nothing you can do.” She pushed my hands away and took a step back from me. It felt like a canyon between us.

“Let’s run like we had always planned. Let me get you somewhere safe.” I closed the gap between us. “Please.”

She slowly raised her eyes to meet mine as she thought it over.

“I don’t know if running will solve our problems.”

“I’ll get you somewhere safe and I’ll fix this. You have to let me try. I can’t let you go again. I can’t spend years worrying if you’re dead or alive. It nearly drove me insane last time.”

Her arms looped around my waist and she pressed her head against my chest. I lifted my arms cautiously and slid them around her back, pulling her tightly against me. This was insane, and I would be walking a fine line trying not to piss off Danny, but Rose was more important to me than anything else in this world. I could feel her soft sobs.

“We can’t stop this. It’s going to be dangerous and we are going to have to fight for us if we want it, but you don’t have to be afraid. You can choose to be fearless. I will walk through hell and back for you, Rose, and I know you would do the same for me. I trust you.”

“I trust you too.” She pulled her head back and looked up at me through damp eyes. “I love you so much, Cole.”

I clutched her tighter, resting my cheek on the top of her head. I had everything in my hands right now. I had every reason in the world to fight and I would, no matter what it took.

“Promise me that no matter what happens, if it gets too tough for you, if you feel like you want to leave me, let me know.”

She nodded against my chest.

“I love you more than anything, Rose.”

Chapter Twelve
Walk through Hell

“If you don’t tell me what is going on, I can’t help you.” Brock was livid and I knew he could pull some strings, but Rose would never be safe. If I didn’t end this, we would always be running.

“I’ll let you know when it is over.” I tossed my phone on the seat between me and Rose. I wrapped my hand around hers, and she turned to me with a smile as her long hair blew wildly in the wind.

“No one will ever hurt you again. I promise.”

She nodded and turned to look out the window as we sped down the main road, turning off into alleyways whenever possible.

The trip took nearly forty minutes, and I was grateful when we finally hit the dirt road leading back to my childhood home. I hated this place and paid someone to maintain it just so I could avoid the painful memories of my past. It was the only place I had left that was mine alone.

We parked outside and my body stiffened. My fists clenched involuntarily and Rose yelped as I squeezed her hand too tightly.

“I’m sorry.” I looked down at her small hand in mine and slowly unwrapped my fingers from hers. I hated not to be touching her. It was the only time I was certain she was real. I needed to know she was really there, and I had not lost my mind completely.

“Come on. Let’s get you inside.” I opened my door and made my way around the car to Rose. She had already opened her door so I held out my hand to help her stand. She stretched, looking up at the sun and closing her eyes.

“I wasn’t expecting you,” a voice called from the porch, and Rose’s eyes snapped open and locked on the blonde who stood holding the screen door open.

“Special circumstances,” I called back to Amber as I swallowed hard. I pulled Rose by the hand toward the front porch, stopping just before the steps. “This is Rose.”

Amber smiled brightly down at us as she pulled the door open farther. She was wearing a tiny little white knitted dress that reminded me of a blanket someone’s grandmother would knit. She looked anything but old in it. It stopped just below her ass and dipped down dangerously low between her breasts. Rose was still wearing my clothes, and I hoped that Amber could lend her something a little more tasteful than her normal attire.

“Nice to meet you. My name is Amber.” Her eyes flicked from mine back to Rose. “Let’s get you inside before we let all the bought air out.” I gave her a grateful smile and drudged up the steps, hating the tightening in my chest that I felt whenever I came back home.

The house still smelled the same, even with the scented candles that Amber was fond of. It brought me right back to a time when I had never felt so helpless, which was fitting, given the reason we were here.

“So you live here?” Rose’s voice cracked as she avoided looking at Amber, instead eyeing the old family photographs that lined the entryway table.

“I help keep it maintained. I stay here every few days when I don’t have somewhere else to go.” Amber answered Rose, but her eyes were on me. Rose didn’t miss it and followed Amber’s gaze to mine. I shoved my hands in my jeans pockets as I let out a long breath.

“I don’t like to come back here. Too many memories. Amber needed a place to stay, so it was only right to help each other out.”

Rose smiled. She hadn’t expected me to have a friend, no doubt. But the way her eyes danced over Amber, I knew she was worried there was something more between us. I cared for Amber as a friend, and even though we had crossed the line into something more on occasion, I could never want to be with her that way. I was emotionally unavailable for anyone who wasn’t Rose.

“So…you hungry?” Amber asked as she made her way into the kitchen. I rubbed my hand over the back of my neck as I waited for Rose to follow her. My eyes took in the knickknacks that had been there since before my mother passed away. I wanted to throw it all away, but Amber refused. She was certain that one day I would regret it. The only thing I regretted was not burning this place to the ground years ago.

“Amber. Do you think you can find something for Rose to wear? Something comfortable.” I hoped she understood that I didn’t want Rose walking around like a piece of fucking eye candy. I had enough to worry about and didn’t need the distraction of a hard-on every time I looked at her.

“Sure,” she called over her shoulder as I stepped inside the kitchen. Rose sat at the small oak kitchen table with a glass of water in her hands. Amber placed a pot of hot water on the stove and turned it on before sliding by me with a smirk on her face. I was glad she found this whole thing amusing, because sharing a meal with these two women was the last thing I wanted to do today. At least I knew they were both safe.

I crossed the room and sat opposite Rose. Her eyes flicked up to mine, and she sucked her lower lip between her teeth.

“What is it?” I asked, knowing damn well she wanted to know if Amber and I were sleeping together.

“Nothing.” She shrugged and took a sip from her glass. I hoped she would let us make it through this crisis before throwing another shit storm on my plate.

“I’ve known Amber for years. She’s a friend. You can trust her,” I said as Amber entered the kitchen with a pair of jeans and a T-shirt in her hands.

“This should fit you.” She held them out to Rose who stood, giving her a grateful smile.

“Thanks. These sweatpants in this hot weather are killing me.”

Amber smiled back and slid into her seat as Rose took off to find a place to change.

“You wanna tell me what is going on?” she asked as she nervously adjusted her loose ponytail.

“You know it can’t be good if it brought me back here.” I grabbed Rose’s glass and swallowed a swig of her water.

“Does she know?”

I didn’t say anything as I slid my thumb down the length of the glass, collecting the condensation with my thumb. Amber sighed dramatically and leaned back in her seat as she grabbed her pack of cigarettes on the table and pulled one out.

“Those things will kill you.” I smirked, remembering my pack-a-day habit.

“I can promise you that hanging around the likes of you will get me killed long before these.” She laughed as she held the lighter to the end and sucked in a deep breath.

“I saved you once.” I smiled, looking over at her as she stretched her legs out past the table.

“That you did. That why she is here? You saving her too?” Her eyebrow cocked up, but there was a glimmer of sadness in her eyes. She knew what Rose meant to me. It was painfully obvious that from day one I’d left my heart with someone else.

“I hope.”

Rose came into the kitchen wearing dark-wash jeans that hung low on her hips with a tiny T-shirt stretched dangerously tight across her chest. Amber looked between us and laughed, shaking her head as she got up to continue cooking her food.

“So…what is the plan?” Rose asked as she slid her hands into her pockets, shoving her jeans down a fraction of an inch.

“This is it. You stay here with Amber and I will fix this shit.”

“You just want me to sit around and hope everything works out okay?” She scoffed, and I could tell Amber was laughing, even as she stood with her back to us at the stove.

“That is exactly what you are going to do. It isn’t up for debate.”

Rose furrowed her brow and stuck out her lower lip in a pout. God her mouth was so fucking sexy.

“I hope you like macaroni and cheese. I didn’t do much shopping since the last time I was here,” Amber called to us. Rose walked past me to her seat and I grabbed hold of her hips, pulling her back onto my lap. Her hair fell into my face and I brushed it aside so I could whisper in her ear.

“Those jeans look fucking amazing on you.”

“Yeah, well, maybe if we live through this you will get to take them off me again.”

“Is that how this works? You are telling me what to do now?” I gripped her hips harder and pressed her ass down roughly against my cock.

There was a splash followed by a sizzling sound as Amber grabbed her hand, bending over in pain.

“Ow! Fuck!” she cried out as she danced around the kitchen. I helped Rose off my lap and went to the sink. I grabbed an old dish towel and soaked it in cold water before taking Amber’s hand and inspecting the red splotch that stretched over her palm.

“Shh…it’s okay. Not that bad,” I said in a hushed tone as I pressed the cold rag against the burn.

I watched Rose leave from the corner of my eye, but Amber had tears threatening to spill over, and I needed to make sure she was all right.

“Is there still a first-aid kit in the bathroom?” I asked as I pulled the rag away and inspected the wound.

“I’ll be fine.” She pulled back her hand and wiped her cheek to remove the wayward tear that had fallen. She stood up on her toes and looped her arms around my neck. “Thank you for taking care of me,” she said.

Rose cleared her throat. I pulled back from the embrace to see Rose with her arms crossed over her chest and a scowl on her face.

“Thought you might need this, but looks like you got what you need.” She held out a small first-aid kit. I took it from her, wondering what I had done to upset her so much. Her eyes narrowed at Amber before she took off out the front door.

“Shit,” I cursed under my breath. “I have to go get her. Amber nodded and took the kit from my hands so I could jog after Rose.

I headed out the front door and scanned the yard. I watched her disappear into the woods. I had an eerie sense of déjà vu as I jogged to catch up with her, calling her name as I ran. This wasn’t a dream though, and my feet moved swiftly across the lawn to catch her. She sat just behind an old tree, picking at a loose seam on her jeans.

“I don’t know what I did to upset you, but you can’t fucking run away from me like that. It’s not safe and I won’t lose you again. Do you hear me?”

She looked up at me through swollen, damp eyes and my heart broke. I sank down to her eye level and lifted her chin with my fingers.

“What did I do?”

“Are you sleeping with her?”

I didn’t know how to respond. After I opened my heart to Rose, she was the only woman I could ever see myself with again. She really couldn’t have expected me to stay single all of these years while she got engaged to that fuckhead lawyer, did she? I didn’t want to lie to her. I knew starting our relationship off that way would only end in disaster. But I couldn’t risk her flipping out and trying to leave when so many people had her on their hit lists. The details could wait until she was safe and I knew the danger had passed.

“I have not touched another woman since I touched you. I wouldn’t do that to you.” I used the pad of my thumb to wipe away a tear that fell down her cheek.

“I see the way she looks at you.”

“Can you blame her?” Rose giggled at my joke. “Come on, sweetheart. Let’s get you something to eat.” I held out my hand and she glanced down at it for a moment before slipping her fingers inside mine. I stood, pulling her to her feet and immediately pinning her between me and the tree.

“I love you. That has never stopped from the very first moment I met you,” I said before slipping my hand into her hair and pulling her lips against mine. The urgency in the way she kissed me only solidified that she was feeling the same way about me that I was about her. Her hands slid over my shoulders and into my hair. I pressed my hips into hers, wishing we could block out the rest of the world so I could make love to her, but Amber would be waiting and she was cooking us a meal. I reluctantly pulled back, taking a minute to let my heart rate slow before I grabbed her hand and pulled her out of the trees.

“I’m sorry I acted like a jealous girlfriend,” she said as we walked back across the yard.

“Don’t be sorry. I’m yours and I want you to fight for us. I will fight for you every day for the rest of my life if I have to.” A wave of guilt washed over me as I thought of how short lived our lives together could be. I was in too deep with Danny’s crew to escape unscathed. I had known from day one that to get out would be the end. I never anticipated Rose becoming a part of this.

“Hopefully when all of this is over we can just relax and enjoy life.”

It was wishful thinking but I loved her optimism. I could only see the storm and she was picturing a silver lining.

As we reached the front porch I remembered that Amber was inside and things would be tense for the duration of our stay. I hated the fact that I would have to leave, and the two of them would have ample time to talk, but I trusted Amber and I knew she understood that our arrangement as casual lovers was nothing more than that.

I placed my hand on the small of Rose’s back as she walked up to the porch and inside the house.

“Didn’t think you were coming back,” Amber called cheerily from the kitchen. Rose glanced over her shoulder at me and I gave her a reassuring smile. Amber had dished out the macaroni and cheese and was placing them on the table. “I’ll get to the store and pick up some better meals soon.”

“No. This is fine. Thank you.” Rose took her seat and glanced over at me as she picked up her spoon. I gave her a wink, proud that she was putting her concern behind her. Amber pulled up a chair from beside the fridge and sat in front of us. We ate in silence for a few minutes. It was uncomfortable, like I had imagined it would be.

“I’ll move my things out of your room and use your parents’ old bed,” Amber said, breaking the silence. I could feel my face heat as I thought of my father. Even after all of these years, my hate for him had not faded. In fact, I think I grew angrier at him with each passing year.

“That’s not necessary. I won’t be sleeping here tonight.”

Both the women stopped eating and looked at me quizzically.

“We can’t run forever, Rose. You of all people should know that doesn’t work. I need to fix this.”

“What are you going to do?” she asked.

I glanced at Amber who looked down at her plate and then back to me. She was all too aware of what I did to someone who threatened a woman.

“I’m going to make sure you are safe.” I shoveled another bite of food into my mouth to let her know I was done talking. The truth was, I had no idea what I was going to do to fix this. But I was willing to do whatever it took.