Sacrifice (5 page)

It was enough to kill the laughter on his lips. The mere thought of the disappointment that he would be to his family was a sobering thought and one he didn’t like to have. The only person who had ever thought anything of him was his mother. She was the only one who believed he could be better than the other men in his family. That he was worth more. That he didn’t have to throw his life away because its what everyone else was doing at the time.

But if she knew what you were doing now she’d hate it… She wouldn’t forgive you.

The little voice in his mind sent a stab of pain right through his gut. It was enough to almost double him over as though someone had punched him in the gut. The sudden jerk of movement caused Natasha to stir again. She didn’t wake and didn’t say anything but it was enough to pull Sam from his intense thoughts.

He shoved the key in the lock and pushed the door open. The apartment was dark and he couldn’t hear anyone else inside. He crept in and closed the door behind him, careful not to let the door slam. He carried Natasha down the hall and stopped at the first door in confusion. He had no idea which room was hers and the last thing he wanted was to spend his time knocking on the doors.

Carefully he pushed open the door and stared inside, his eyes raking over the contents of the bedroom. It wasn’t until he saw a picture of Natasha on the night stand with an older woman that he was confident to say it was her room. He carried her in and set her softly on the bed. His hands working quickly to pull her shoes off and dump them on the floor.

He stopped there, his eyes raking over her sleeping form. She was beautiful. The realisation hit him and killed all other thoughts in his head. He couldn’t remember the last time he had looked at a woman and thought she was truly beautiful… All the girls he knew were too fake, too much pretence and he hated it. But Natasha was different.

He pulled the bedspread up and over her, leaving her in her clothes. The last thing he wanted was to panic her when she woke up. And he had no idea how much of the night that she would remember. He didn’t want her to worry that Ian had succeeded.

He started to stand when her small hand gripped his wrist. She clung to him and he could feel the fear that radiated from her body. Sam had no idea where it had even come from but he paused and stared down at her.

“Please don’t go… Please stay with me. I don’t want to be alone. Don’t leave me alone with her like this.”

It was a dream. It had to be a dream. There was no other explanation for it. He curled his fingers around hers and pushed her hand back down by her side. But again she clutched at him, this time her eyes were open and the terror was only to clear to see. 

“Please stay with me.” She pleaded with him before dropping back against the pillows.

Sam contemplated simply leaving. She was obviously having a nightmare and it wasn’t him she was looking at. She wasn’t asking him to stay. But what if she had an adverse reactions to the drugs during the night? What if she was sick and there was no one here to help her? He couldn’t in good conscience leave her like this…

Deep down he knew it was a lie. He wanted to stay. Wanted to watch her as she slept. He wanted her to ask him to stay. But it was easier to pretend, easier to say he was doing it for her own good.

He pulled his t-shirt off over his head and lay down on the opposite side of the bed. He’d make sure he was gone before she woke. He wasn’t really staying the night, just making sure she was safe. He consoled himself with that thought as he watched her relax once more. She turned until she was facing him, her eyes still shut. Sam watched as she took each deep breath and slowly released it.

He was only going to stay until it started to get light… There was no way he was going to spend the night…

CHAPTER SIX

Natasha

Opening my eyes slowly, my head pounded. It felt like an entire team of construction workers had taken up residence inside my skull and they were all frantically using the noisiest of their tools. The soft morning light filtered in through the curtains and I struggled to remember the night before. Everything was in bits and pieces and it reminded me of a fragmented mirror.

The sound of deep snores drew my attention . I shifted in the bed and someone’s arm tightened around my waist pulling me closer to their hard chest. The sound of his snoring vibrated through my back and rattled in my head. It only made the headache worse.

Oh god. Oh god. Oh god, what have I done? I repeated the phrase over and over in my mind as I struggled to remember something, anything… How the hell had I ended up in bed with a stranger. I moved my legs and quickly realised I was still fully clothed. Or at least I hoped I was and I hadn’t somehow imagined clothes as way to try and soften the blow of my one night stand.

He stirred in the bed and I was finally able to pull myself away. I stared down into his face, my mind struggling to put the pieces of the night before back together. Where had Sam come from? I didn’t remember anything beyond talking to him outside the gig. So how the hell had we ended up in bed together?

He was handsome and I couldn’t deny the attraction I felt towards him. It tugged at me, made me want to run my fingers down along the fine dusting of hairs that covered his chest. His jeans had slipped a little lower during the night and I could see the trail of hair that disappeared down below his waistband. Some people called it a happy trail and at that moment I could imagine that it was indeed a very happy trail…

Get a grip, Natasha.
The little voice halted my silly thoughts immediately. There was something far more serious going on here. Something that didn’t need me making a joke out of it.

I reached out to him as he continued to snore, my hand hesitating just above his arm. If I woke him and heard something I didn’t want to hear… What would I do then?

My stomach rolled uncomfortably and I closed my eyes for a second in an attempt to squash down the nausea that threatened to wash over me. Opening my eyes I stared down at him. What choice did I have? I had to know what happened? I had to know if we had… I trailed off not fit to complete the thought. Not wanting to complete the thought.

I jabbed his arm roughly. “Wake up.” My voice was hoarse as though I’d spent the night screaming. But I knew I hadn’t… Or had I? A terrible thought flashed through my mind. The feeling of helplessness and someone kissing my neck. I couldn’t stop him… Couldn’t move my body to stop his lips… My hand automatically went to my neck, rubbing the spot. As though by doing that I could rub the memory from my brain.

Sam stirred but showed no signs of actually waking up. I gripped his arm and shook him hard. “Sam, please wake up. What happened to me?”

I didn’t know if it was the force at which I shook him or if it was the fear in my voice but his eyes popped open and he sprang up in the bed.

“Where, where are they?” He mumbled before realising his mistake. I sat in the bed, the covers pulled up around me like an extra layer of security. He stared at me in confusion, his eyes still a little hazy. His hair was standing on end and I couldn’t help but crack a smile. He looked like someone who had been caught in a wind tunnel… A very sexy wind tunnel.

“Did we…” I trailed off not sure if I should even be asking that question. I was after all in bed with him. Normally people didn’t platonically share a bed… Well maybe sometimes but not when they were attracted to the other person, and I was attracted to him. God I wanted to touch him, kiss him…

I killed the thoughts dead, a slight blush creeping up over my cheeks. I had no idea where that had even come from. It wasn’t like me to spend my time thinking about guys in that way… Certainly not strange ones that happened to be sitting half naked in my bed.

He scrubbed his hands back through his hair and over his face. “No we didn’t.”

I wasn’t sure if I imagined the disappointed note in his voice or not. I couldn’t be sure. He was just so damn hard to read.

“Well then how?” I spread my hands wide gesturing to our surroundings. I had a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach that whatever his answer was going to be, I wouldn’t like it.

“How much of last night do you remember?” He asked as he climbed from the bed and grabbed his t-shirt from the floor.

I shrugged my shoulders, my hands automatically going to my face and cradling my head. My head was still pounding and the more I tried to think of something, anything at all from the night before the worse it got.

“I know we spoke outside the club and…” I trailed off, snippets of the gig becoming a little clearer. “Ian!” I said his name out loud without even realising it. 

Sam leaned against my desk, his arms folded across his chest as he continued to watch me. The dark intensity that filled his eyes made me shiver. How he could look so menacing with one blue eye and one green eye was beyond me. But he could do it. I pitied anyone who could piss him off.

“What do you remember about Ian?” He asked, his voice flat almost emotionless. Almost.

I shook my head again and lifted my gaze to his. “I don’t know. I can’t remember. It’s all in pieces, too many fragments that I can’t put back together… Please just tell me. This not knowing is making me even more worried.”

He smiled at me then, a small smile but it seemed to lighten the intensity that was building in the room. It made me relax, my shoulders drooping as I waited for him to fill in the blanks.

“You and Rachel went backstage to meet the band, Uncharted Switch. Little more than low-lifes. And well you kinda got sucked in by Ian…”

I stared at him in confusion, my hands automatically beginning to fidget with the blanket I had wrapped around me. “Sucked in? How?”

Sam shrugged. “I don’t know. My best guess is you thought he was a nice guy. He probably slipped whatever drug he gave you, into your drink without you knowing. It’s not your fault but you need to be more careful. Not all strangers are as honourable as I am.” He grinned at me.

I felt sick. I hopped out of the bed and raced for the bathroom barely making it to the toilet before I spilled my guts. I didn’t stop until there was nothing left in my system and I was simply dry heaving. My eyes burned and head pounded worse than before, my stomach a wish washy mess. But I was alright… I was here, at home, Sam had brought me home…

But knowing all that didn’t shake the feeling of being pathetic. So pathetic that I needed some stranger to ride in to my rescue. What the hell had been thinking? I couldn’t even answer that question because I didn’t know, I couldn’t remember…

I banged my hands against my head in frustration as I sat in a huddled heap on the floor. It could have been so much worse. And what would I have done if Sam hadn’t stepped in? Where would I be now? And how the hell would I have picked up the pieces after something like that?

Daniel was bad enough. That situation had been almost impossible to get back up after. To pick my self-esteem and pride back up off the floor from where he had shattered it. To try and rebuild myself as a normal functioning human… No one had saved me then, it was all on me. It was always all on me. Until now. I let my guard down once and I had almost become one of those tragic statistics. I didn’t want to be a victim not ever. Not again.

“Natasha?” Sam’s voice pulled me from the vicious cycle of my thoughts. He tapped at the door softly before pushing it open.

I tried to hide my face. Tried to cover my tears and silence my sobs. But I couldn’t. I was tired. Tired of always pretending. Pretending to be strong, capable of dealing with whatever life threw at me. It was all a lie. Life when my mother had died had simply become one big giant lie. One after the other.

Sam wrapped his arms around me and tugged me towards his chest. I contemplated fighting him. Pushing him away. Pushing him away like I pushed everyone else away. But I couldn’t. I didn’t know if it was the lingering after effects of the drugs in my system but I couldn’t fight him. I wanted someone to hold me. I wanted to be loved, cherished… Not alone and broken.

So I let him hold me. Let him wrap his arms around my body as he rocked me and I sobbed. In the end I wasn’t even sure what I was crying for. I was fine. Nothing had happened. But I had a feeling the tears were for the ‘could have been’.

I have no idea how long we sat like that. The only sound being the hiccuping sobs that came from me, until finally even they subsided. The silence just seemed to creep in around us. Silence has a way of doing that. I don’t know how it does it. One minute you can be standing in a crowded room, noise all around, invading every pore of your body until you’re not sure you belong to yourself anymore. But the minute you leave that crowded room, the minute you go somewhere quiet, the silence creeps in. Like a small frightened animal.

Of course the inside of your mind is still noisy. Still filled with the comings and goings of everyone who surrounded you. It takes time to adjust and then the silence finds you. 

That was what I thought of as I sat on the bathroom floor with Sam’s arms around me. It was stupid, a pointless rambling inside my own head but it calmed me. Helped me refocus. Stop sobbing and gain control over myself once more.

Sam released me slowly, almost as though afraid to fully let me go. I wanted to laugh, to let the bubbly giggle erupt out of me. It was a side effect of the crying. Like a form of hysteria. But the more I allowed myself to take control of the situation the less hysterical I felt. I was in control. I wasn’t a victim. Not now, not again.

I stared up into his one blue eye and one green eye, searching for something. I had no idea what exactly I was looking for. Maybe it was the search for some type of affinity. A need to feel connected to another human being.

His hand cupped my face, his thumb tracing circles across my cheek as he brushed the dried tears away. He smiled at me again, tentatively. And this time I smiled back at him. It was a watery smile and I could feel my lip trembling but it was a start.