Rush of Darkness (18 page)

God, no wonder the man couldn’t stand the sight of her fangs.

And she couldn’t help but remember the way he’d dimmed the lights in that hotel room in Berlin. How he’d kept her from grabbing his cock. He hadn’t wanted her to know.

Spark finally spoke again, breaking the stifling silence. “I’m no different than you, McConnell. And considering your little girlfriend is on the hunt for blood, I’m no different than her, either.”

He exhaled a rough breath, then slowly brought his gaze back to the assassin. “What happened to you was wrong, if you’re even telling the truth. But it doesn’t matter. You couldn’t be more different from Raine if you tried. She only hurts those who destroyed an innocent life. You hurt those who
were
innocent.”

“And you didn’t?”

“I hope I didn’t. But if I did, at least I acted thinking I was meting out justice. You actually did it for fun. You let your hatred consume you. You let it win, Spark.”

“Don’t me call that,” she spat, struggling harder against her bonds. “My name is Elizabeth!”

He didn’t respond as he lifted the gun, and Raine shouted, “Seth—
don’t!
”

He slanted her a shuttered look. “She deserves to die.”

“She deserves to be
punished
—but I don’t want
her blood on your hands. Just…lock her up. Let the Watchmen decide what to do with her.”

“She deserves more than that, damn it.”

“I’m begging you, Seth. Please. For me.”

He looked back at Spark, and she and Raine both flinched, thinking he would pull the trigger. But he didn’t. Instead, he slowly lowered the gun to his side.

“Oh, God. Thank you,” the assassin whispered, every ounce of her cocky arrogance gone.

“Don’t thank me,” he muttered. “Thank Raine. I did this for her.” Then he turned and walked past her, out of the room, and Raine quickly followed him. He told a wide-eyed Liam to put Spark in a cell, then headed outside. A burst of lightning cracked in the distance as they stepped onto the porch, a violent storm blowing in, and he stopped to reach into his pocket, pulling out the Marker. Without a word, he handed the cross back to her.

“He could have given us more information,” she said softly, staring at his stark profile. “Why did you kill him, Seth?”

“Because he hurt you.”

She shivered as he walked down the porch steps, realizing he wasn’t going to say anything more. That those four little words were the entire sum of his justification. It felt so…odd, the way they could have such an impact.

Even stranger that he seemed to be saying something more.

T
HE SOLDIER HAD KILLED
for her. Brutally. Without mercy or hesitation.

Raine figured she should have been horrified by such a primitive act, but that would have been a human reaction. And she wasn’t human. She was a Desch-lacea, and as such, she recognized both the purpose and meaning in what Seth had done.

He’d also listened to her plea to spare the assassin, which seemed equally poignant, and Raine’s determination to keep her distance from him was unraveling like a spool of thread. God, how could she stay away when all she wanted was to be close to him?

They’d made the drive to the quaint bed-and-breakfast he’d chosen in silence, but even now, he kept stealing glances at her from the other side of the suite’s bedroom, as if trying to gauge her mood. He probably thought she was upset by the things Seton had said about her, but that wasn’t the reason she felt twisted with worry. Yeah, the Casus’s words had been disturbing and unpleasant, to say the least—but she was more upset by what Seton had said about Seth…and by what she’d seen in Spark’s memories. By what Spark had read in
Seth’s file. The things that had been done to him when he was only a boy.

“Can we talk now?” she asked him, unable to take the heavy silence a moment more.

He pulled a hand down his weary face, seeming to give the question some thought. Eventually, he muttered, “I’m still pissed about last night, Raine. I don’t think you’d much enjoy my conversation at the moment.”

Compelled to see this through, she said, “Then let’s talk about last night.”

He eyed her with a shrewd, measuring gaze, then gave one of those Lycan-like nods. “Okay. Just out of morbid curiosity, how did you plan to handle things with Seton back in Berlin if I couldn’t find you? Did you plan on using your talons to slit your wrists? Enrage him to the point that he lost control and killed you himself?”

She turned and walked to one of the room’s windows, which had been left open, a set of rustic wooden shutters with tilted slats allowing a cool breeze to flow into the room, along with the warm, rich scents of the flower-filled garden. “I wouldn’t have needed to do either of those things. There are different levels of trances that an Alacea can slip into. If I’d wanted to, I could have simply put myself into one of the deepest levels. Without another Alacea there to bring me back, I wouldn’t have survived.” She pushed her hands into the pockets of her cargo pants and turned to face him. “But despite what I said to you on the night you found me, I wouldn’t have killed myself, Seth. Not when Westmore is still breathing…and the Markers are still in his possession.”

“It’s interesting you should bring that up,” he rasped, “since I’ve been thinking about it.”

“Thinking about what?”

“About how you planned to kill Westmore and get those Markers. I mean, you can’t read him or Seton, so it’s not like you could track them, the way you’ve been tracking the other Casus. If we hadn’t managed to capture Seton and get him to talk, I think there’s only one way you could have planned to get to them. You were going to let them capture you, weren’t you?”

“I could have,” she murmured, admitting nothing. “But what would I have done about the Markers?”

“Kellan told me that some of his homemade tracking chips have gone missing. If I looked through your things, I think I’d find them.”

The guy was good, she’d give him that. But she didn’t like how easily he could get into her head, and she lifted her brow with a cynical arch. “Is this the part where you call me stupid and suicidal again?”

He shoved both hands through his short hair, his shoulders and arms thick with bunched muscle. “I’m not going to yell at you.” They were tight, controlled words, as if he was making an effort to sound calm. “I just…I don’t understand why you’re so willing to throw your life away. I know you went through hell, that you miss your sister, but…Christ, Raine, you
survived
. Why can’t you just take a step back and let me help you?”

“I
am
letting you help me.”

He stared at her through narrowed eyes, his gaze searching, his tension evident in the grim lines of his
expression. “I want you to stop taking stupid risks with your life.”

“I don’t consider them stupid, Seth. I see them as necessary.” A slight smile touched her lips, her voice softer as she said, “And despite how pissed I was at you when you claimed that Oath from me, I appreciate the fact that you’re with me now.”

“You’re just never going to stop, are you?” He gave a tired sigh and slumped back against the antique armoire that stood behind him, a high four-poster bed looming off to her left. “I swear I’ve never known a woman who’s as crazy as you are, Raine. Or who’s as brave.”

As soon as the husky words left his mouth, she could feel the color bleed out of her face. “Please, don’t say that.”

“Why not?” he muttered, rolling his shoulder. “It might drive me bat shit, but it’s true.”

To her horror, tears filled her eyes, the back of her throat burning as she sniffed.

“Wait a minute.
Now
you cry?” His brows drew together and he shook his head. “What the hell did I say that was so bad?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she whispered, wondering if she’d ever felt like such an idiot.

“Jesus, Raine. C’mon.” His voice was raw. “You’ve gotta give me something.”

She sobbed harder, unable to control the tears, her mouth trembling as she covered it with her hand. Choking back a sharp curse, he pushed away from the armoire and started toward her, the rustic floorboards creaking
beneath his feet, while the hazy beams of watery sunlight sneaking through the weathered shutters painted his body in iridescent stripes of gold. He looked so big and solid and strong, she just wanted to crawl inside him and hide away from the world. Just wanted to lose herself in pleasure and sex, slaking her body’s hunger for him again…and again, but now she knew that she couldn’t. Not when he thought she was something she wasn’t.

“Don’t,” she choked out, when he tried to reach for her. “I don’t trust myself with you.”

“Bullshit. You trusted me to find you, Raine. To get you back.”

She lifted her head, staring up at him through a salty veil of tears. “That’s different.”

“And
that’s
just more bullshit. Trust is trust.”

“Seth, I…” She broke off, too afraid to say that she was falling for him. That she couldn’t stop thinking about him. Couldn’t stop
wanting
him. The entire time she’d been traveling to Italy with Ashe, all she’d been able to think about was what had happened between her and Seth in that damn hotel room in Berlin, the erotic memories playing constant havoc on her body and emotions.

Swallowing down the lump of regret in her throat, she forced herself to say, “There are things you don’t know about me. Things that would make a difference between us. And that’s why I…I don’t think we should do this.”

“Damn it, Raine. I’m not going to put a move on you.” His chest rose and fell with his jagged breaths. “I just want to hold you. I want to find a way to help make things right.”

“There’s nothing you can do.”

His heavy-lidded gaze burned with determination. “You’re wrong. I’ll hold you and I’ll make it better. There may be a lot of things I can’t do,
but I can do this
.” The dark intensity of his voice made her shiver, a wave of heat crawling up her chest, burning beneath her skin. “I can be there for you, if you’ll just let me.”

“Why are you doing this? It doesn’t…it doesn’t make any sense.”

He lifted his hand as if he was going to curl it around the back of her neck, then paused, his sharp gaze falling to her hair. He studied her face, reading the tension there, and slowly lowered his hand, fisting it at his side. “When I first found you at Westmore’s compound, I knew you were going to be important to me.” The husky words were rough and low. “I couldn’t explain it, and I didn’t know how, but I
knew
it was true. And now? Now, I’m just trying to figure it out. But you keep pushing me away.”

Her frustration flared. “I only push you away because I don’t know what else to do.”

“And you think I do?” A bitter snort. Then a hard roll of his shoulders. “This…whatever the hell is going on between us…this kind of shit is
not
normal for me, Raine.”

Softly, she said, “I know that.”

“Then help me deal with it,” he pleaded, a deep notch etched between his brows.

Her heart turned over in her chest, and if it weren’t for her guilt, she would have thrown herself at his feet
and begged him for a chance at…anything. Whatever she could get. But she couldn’t change who she was or the things she’d done. Couldn’t let go of her fear…or her shame. “We’re too different, Seth.”

“Who gives a fuck? Yeah, we have shit to work through, but what couple doesn’t?” The green of his eyes burned with the savage force of his frustration. “Damn it, Raine, you’re brave enough to give us a chance. I know you are.”

She wet her trembling lips. “That’s just it. I’m not brave at all.”

“Like hell you aren’t. I don’t know anyone else, man or woman, who could have gone through what you went through without letting those bastards break them.”

“God, don’t say that.” She couldn’t hold back a fresh surge of tears. “You have no idea how wrong you are.”

“I’m not wrong. It’s the truth.”

“No, it’s
not
the truth. The truth is that I cheated!” she shouted, completely losing it as she cried harder. He seemed stricken by the tears pouring down her cheeks, a guttural curse on his lips as he finally grabbed hold of her, pulling her against his chest and wrapping those powerful arms around her in a strong, possessive embrace.

“I know you don’t want to be held, but I need to hold you,” he growled, his heartbeat pounding beneath her ear as she relented and tucked her head under his chin, pulling in a dizzying breath of his scent. “So while I’m doing it, why don’t you explain what you mean by cheating?”

She shook her head, trembling, her hands fisted on his hips. “It’s too embarrassing.”

“Raine, what happened to you,” he rasped, pressing a tender kiss against the part in her hair, “it’s not something to be embarrassed about.”

“I know that. I mean—it’s not like I could have stopped them. But I…”

“Go on,” he coaxed, holding her tighter.

“I’m ashamed of how I handled it,” she confessed, her voice cracking at the end.

“What do you mean, honey?”

She blew out a shuddering breath and let her tears soak into the warm cotton of his shirt, then quietly said, “I used my Alacea powers to go into an Aldori trance. Basically, it means that I…I went away. I separated my mind from my body. I don’t really remember the rapes. Just bits and pieces, like when they would pull my hair.”

“And this trance is what you’re ashamed of?” he asked in a deep, husky rumble.

“Yes.” She ground her teeth so hard that it hurt. “It’s awful, isn’t it? I mean, what kind of coward would just hide like that?”

“Raine, you did the right thing.”

She stiffened with shock, pulling back from his chest so that she could see his face, though he kept his arms looped around her. “How can you say that?”

“Because it saved you.”

“But at what price? It was so…cowardly. So weak.”

A muscle pulsed in his jaw, his voice a ragged slash
of sound. “Christ, Raine. What you did isn’t something to be ashamed of. It made you a survivor.”

“You have no idea how the Deschanel would look at this,” she whispered. “They consider running or hiding the ultimate sign of weakness, and would rather die than turn away from a confrontation.”

He made a thick sound of disgust. “I don’t give a shit how the vampires look at it. I’m only thankful that you were smart enough to save yourself.”

“Yeah, I saved myself,” she croaked. “But I got my sister killed.”

His gaze softened with compassion. “Rietta’s death is not your fault, Raine.”

“You’re wrong,” she argued, dropping her forehead against his chest. “When I went deeper into a trance, I couldn’t make the best decisions. One time I…I lied to them about the location of a cross, which was stupid, since it was obvious they’d realize I lied when they didn’t find a Marker and no Watchmen showed up searching for it. When that’s exactly what happened, they killed Rietta to teach me a lesson.” Her voice was strangely hollow, the eerie sound so hoarse she was surprised he could even hear her. But she knew he was listening, his muscles twitching in reaction to her words. “So I tried to stop going into the trances after that, but as soon as they’d pull my hair, it was like my mind had trained itself to go under. And when I came to, I’d be lying on the floor, bleeding, unable to remember what had happened.”

“Oh, angel,” he murmured, as he crushed her against him, lowering his head over hers in a sheltering embrace.
“I know it had to hurt like hell when you found out what had happened, but you found a way to survive, Raine. That’s what matters. They would have killed Rietta, anyway, because they had no reason to keep her. And your brother, as well, if you hadn’t been able to use your sight on Gregory to save him.”

Fisting her hands in the front of his shirt, she said, “It didn’t just hurt, Seth. It’s like the guilt is eating me alive. I hid from their torture, and cost Rietta her life. And what makes it even worse is that she didn’t even have that choice. She was too young to put herself into a trance of that depth, which meant that she couldn’t hide like I did. Everything she suffered was because of
me
. There’s no way you can understand how that makes me feel.”

His laugh was sudden and harsh. “I understand better than you think.”

She lifted her face so that she could see his eyes. “What do you mean?”

His mouth twitched with a humorless smile as he released his hold on her and took a step back, shoving his hands in his pockets. “There are things you don’t know about the night my family was attacked.”

“I looked into Spark’s mind at the safe house and I saw what she’d read in your file,” she admitted in a soft voice, blinking to clear the tears from her eyes. “They tortured you, didn’t they?”