Rush (22 page)

As the pleasure ebbed for me, Max threw
back his head on a yell that sounded like pain. His face tensed in a grimace,
his eyes shut tight. He shuddered, moaning and whimpering as I held him close.
The vulnerable noises he made brought out a tenderness in me that was new for
me. I turned my head and pressed kisses to his naked shoulder as his trembling
subsided.

We lay quietly together. Our breathing
slowed. I stroked his back, exploring the long ridges of muscle along his
spine.

Max kissed my forehead. “I think you
killed me.”

I looked up at him with a quizzical
smile. “I killed you?”

“With pleasure. That was...amazing.
Mind-blowing. At least, for me it was.” A shadow seemed to cross his face.

“For me too.”

His mouth slowly turned up in a smile. “Yeah?”

“The best.”

His gaze took on a searching quality as
he stroked my temples with his thumbs. He opened his mouth, as if he wanted to
say something, then shut it again. I smiled up at him, trying to reassure him.

His forehead creased. “I’m too heavy for
you.”

He withdrew from my body and rolled to
the side, pulling me tightly against him. I reached for his head and drew him
down for a hot kiss. Something about Max brought out a side of me I’d never
really experienced before. I felt freer, like I could do and say whatever I
needed to without fear of reprimand.

“I’m glad you’re here tonight,” he whispered
against my hair.

“So am I.”

My whole body glowed. I’d heard of “afterglow”,
but had never really experienced it. My other two sex partners had never left
me feeling like this. I’d always been vaguely relieved at the end of our sexual
encounters, glad it was over and I didn’t have to pretend to be enthusiastic
anymore. None of the boys I’d dated in high school had aroused me the way Max
did, either.

This made me wonder about my prior
choices in guys. Had I been going for the guys who didn’t attract me, and if
so, why?

The answer came to me almost
instantaneously, like it had been waiting just under the surface of my
consciousness for me to notice it. Guys like Trent were the safe choice. The
sensible choice. They fit right in with my family, with my parents and their
need for everything to come in tidy, predictable packages. My mom and dad had
liked and approved of every one of the guys I’d dated.

They would not approve of Max.

I flung my arm around the taut curve of
his waist and touched my lips to the hollow at the base of his throat. All of
his warm, naked skin pressed up against mine and his sexy masculine smell
filled my nose. He wore no cologne. He smelled of clean skin, sweat and sex. I
rubbed my face against his chest.

“Are you marking me?” he said in an
amused tone.

“What?”

“Like a cat. Marking me with your scent.”

“I like the way you feel.”

He made a rumbling sound in his chest,
one big hand sliding down to clasp my butt. “I like the way you feel, too.”

Was this as special, as different, for
him as it was for me? I hesitated to ask. I really didn’t want to get a
humiliating answer, or even worse, a lie.

His fingers buried themselves in my
hair. “I don’t think we can go back to the way we were before.”

“Neither do I.” And I didn’t want to.

“I want to keep seeing you.”

I drew back and stared at him in
complete surprise.

His face fell. “Uh...I guess that’s not
what you want, so forget I said it.”

I’d never seen him look so unsure of
himself. Usually he was so self-assured it was almost obnoxious.

I put my fingers over his mouth. “No, I
do want it. You just surprised me.”

“Really?” He smiled. “You want to keep
seeing me?”

I smiled back. “Yes.”

“Good.” He gave me a lingering kiss. “Because
I don’t think I can stay away from you.”

That admission made me feel ridiculously
happy.

“I feel the same way.”

We dozed for a while. I’m not sure how
long we lay together like that, listening to the rain pattering against the
windows and the creaking of the old house. At some point, I remembered Fred and
how Max said he popped in for unexpected visits. Was he watching us right now?
I hoped he had more courtesy than to peep at us while we were making love.

Wait. Was I seriously thinking about the
existence of a ghost, taking his reality for granted the same way I did living
people? I wasn’t in danger of ending up in Jo-ville; I’d already arrived. After
all my determination to be nothing like her, I was turning out to be her
younger copy.

“My Aunt Jo believes in ghosts,” I said
softly.

“Mmm?” Max sounded only half-awake.

“My family thinks she’s crazy.”

His lids opened slowly and he blinked at
me with sleepy eyes. “You have a psychic in your family?”

“No, I have a lunatic alcoholic. She
used to live with us, but then she started drinking and talking to invisible
friends and my parents kicked her out.”

“They just tossed her on the street?” he
said with disapproval in his voice.

“Pretty much, yeah. I guess they tried
to get her to see a psychiatrist or something, but she refused. They were
afraid she’d influence me, or maybe that she’d hurt me or the twins. I’m not
really sure. Anyway, they kicked her out and I haven’t seen her since.”

“What happened to her?”

I looked away from him as I toyed with a
lock of his hair. “I don’t know. I haven’t seen or heard from her since.”

“I hope she’s okay.”

“Me, too.” I felt suddenly guilty for
not checking on her or even asking about her in all these years.

That suffocating guilt was something I
hadn’t experienced in a long time, but it was familiar from the days after she
left. I’d blamed myself.

“Sometimes I worry that I’m like her.”

“You’re not crazy, Caro.”

“I know.” Or at least I hoped.

He used his free hand to tip up my chin.
Then he kissed me. “I can tell you’re worried. You’re not crazy. Lots of people
see ghosts and they’re not crazy either.”

I clutched his arm. “But how do we know?
What if I’m just sort of standing on the edge of crazy and one day soon I tip
over into completely nuts?”

“All I can say is if you’re crazy then I
must be too. I’ve been seeing and talking to Fred since I was thirteen. And I’m
still functional. I don’t have a single foil hat, for example.”

I smiled weakly. “That’s true.”

“There’s no sense in worrying about it.
Worrying doesn’t increase your hold on sanity. It just makes you anxious.”

“Jo drank a lot. I remember how she used
to smell sometimes. She was one of those drunks who gets mellow, so I wasn’t
afraid of her at all.” Memories flooded back to me, memories of Jo playing with
me, taking me to movies, reading and discussing my kids’ books with me as if they
were just as interesting as adult fiction. She’d been a wonderful aunt, except
for the drinking part.

“I thought it was my fault they kicked
her out,” I whispered.

“Why? How old were you?”

“Eleven.”

“I don’t see how it could have been your
fault,” he said.

“Well, it was because of me. I guess I
was imitating her, pretending I could see ghosts too. It really freaked out my
parents. They didn’t want me taking after her.”

“Yeah, but it was their decision to make
her leave. Not yours. Did you want her to go?”

“No. Not at all. I loved her.” There was
no-one else in my family like Aunt Jo, except maybe for me.

“Are you afraid you take after her?” Max
said.

“Yeah, a little. Okay, a lot.”

He played with my hair, and the gentle
stroking seeped relaxation through my scalp and into my whole body. I sighed,
nestling into his embrace.

“If you are like her,” he said, “I think
it’s in a good way.”

“Sometimes I worry I’ll end up on the
streets, talking to people no-one else can see.” I bit my lip. “God, I’m sorry.
That was incredibly tactless. I didn’t mean it the way it came out.”

He kept petting me. “It’s all right. I
know what you mean. There are people on the streets who are completely
delusional, who’ve really lost their grip on reality.”

“Yeah,” I said, relieved he hadn’t taken
offense.

“There are also a lot of people who
believe in ghosts and who aren’t insane. I like to think I’m one of them.”

I moved my head so I could meet his
eyes. He was smiling. “I know you are.”

“And you can be, too. Besides, how do
you know your Aunt Jo is crazy? Maybe your parents were mistaken.”

I’d never thought of that before. “Maybe
you’re right. I was never afraid of her, I know that.”

“She might have started drinking because
of the spirits. Some people find alcohol dulls their psychic abilities. Maybe
she drank to shut them off because she didn’t know any other way.”

That was so close to what I’d thought
when I saw Retro-girl in her corpse guise that it almost stole my breath. “That
could be.”

“And it won’t happen to you, because I’m
going to teach you how to manage it.”

“You can do that?”

“Yep. And if I can’t for some reason,
you can find someone else to help you. We can ask Brad and Marie for
recommendations.”

“You’d do that for me?”

“Of course I would.” His eyes looked
soft with an emotion I could only describe as tenderness, which surprised me. I’d
never expected to see that on his face. “I’d like to do a lot more for you, if
you’ll let me.”

“Oh, yeah? Like what?”

“Hmm. Like maybe this.” He kissed my
mouth. “Or this.” Sliding down my body, he took my breast in his mouth. I
clutched his head to me, gasping.

“Or this.” Another slide brought his
face right between my legs.

Giggling, I tried to close my thighs,
but he wouldn’t let me. He kept my legs open with his hands. Although the light
in the room was dim, I knew he had a complete view of a part of my body I wasn’t
in the habit of displaying.

“Max, don’t.”

He laughed softly. “Why not?” He trailed
kisses across my inner thighs.

“It’s just—it’s too—”

“Unbelievably sexy.” He kissed the center
of me.

“No-one’s ever—I’ve never—” Apparently,
I’d lost the power of speech.

“You mean, no guy’s ever done this for
you before?” He sounded astonished.

“No. Yes. No-one ever has.”

“Well, just because they’re idiots doesn’t
mean I have to be.”

And he proceeded to completely shatter
my universe.

Chapter 16

Max

My dad had already gotten home and
picked up the mail when I arrived. I opened our mailbox, just in case I could
intercept my report card, but it was empty. My dad’s car sat in the driveway like
a silent rebuke.

I trudged up the front steps of the
monstrous house he’d built for himself and my stepmom and opened the door. He
was waiting for me in the foyer. His fists were clenched, his eyes cold as
Antarctica.

He waved a crumpled piece of paper at
me. My report card, no doubt. “Care to explain this?”

I stared him, keeping all expression off
my face. “I didn’t do so well this semester.”

“Is that all you have to say for
yourself?”

My mouth tightened down until my lips
almost went numb. “I was late a lot in science.”

“I know. Mr. Brown just called me.” He
took a step toward me, one arm bending, drawing back, like he was already
getting ready to hit me. “What the fuck is wrong with you? Huh? Can’t you do
anything right?”

I’d been late because of Trent and his
friends stopping me in the halls. But if I said so, he wouldn’t believe me.
No-one did.

“I tried,” I said. My voice came out in
an undignified croak.

He sneered. “You tried. You obviously
didn’t try very hard. Or are you stupid? Is that it? You’re too goddamn stupid
to pass tenth grade biology?”

I just stared back at him. What could I
say? No matter which words came out of my mouth, they’d be the wrong ones. Ever
since I—ever since Carter had died, he’d screamed at me and beat me for the
smallest things.

“What are you looking at?” he yelled,
just like the boys at school.

“Nothing.”

“Nothing? Are you calling me nothing?”

“No. That’s not what I meant.”

“You little good for nothing shit. You
can’t get the simplest things right, can you? You’re worthless. Why can’t you
be more like Trent? He got an A in that class. I’m prouder of my stepson than
my real son.”

Yeah. No surprise there. Trent had
science at a different period than I did, so we didn’t share that class. Plus,
for some reason he got away with being late, whereas I got blamed no matter
what my excuse.

My dad’s fist slammed into my jaw
without warning. I staggered backward and hit the door, my skull slamming back
into the wood. Pain burst inside my head and my vision blurred.

I slumped against the door. He loomed
over me, a bear of a man, and smacked me again on the other side. The pain in
my face was already so extreme the second blow seemed almost negligible
compared to the first.

Then he punched me in the ribs. I felt
something break. My arms wrapped around to protect my midsection.

“You’re worthless. You think you’re such
a tough guy? You’re nothing but a sick murderer. I should have shot you that
day. You hear me?”

I couldn’t move, let alone nod my head.
The best I could do was keep from falling to my knees, and with the way the
room was spinning, I was going to lose that fight any second. I groaned.

“Fucking loser,” my dad growled. “Look
at you. Pathetic. Get out of my sight before I decide to put a bullet in your
head.”

I stumbled toward the stairs that led to
our bedrooms, my hand on the wall to keep from falling.

“The next time you come home with a
report card like that, you won’t eat for a week. Got that?” my dad said.

I didn’t answer. All my energy and
concentration was focused on climbing the stairs, one step at a time, without
passing out.

***

I dreamed that a magical talisman lived
inside her body. It glowed with its own warmth and light, and its power kept me
alive. As long as I had her with me, I was safe from any danger. Invincible.
Never lonely. I wrapped my body around her, keeping the talisman close to me,
protecting it the way it protected me.

When I opened my eyes, I had my arms and
legs around Caroline, her back to my front, hugging her to me as if I’d never
let her go. The sense of safety and peace lingered, even after I recognized who
we really were. Her hair smelled like vanilla. It tickled my nose, but I didn’t
want to move my head because I needed more of her.

I rarely slept with women. Normally, we
had our fun and parted ways. Even my semi-longterm relationships had included
few sleepovers, yet here I was cradling Caroline like I’d never let her go.

If I’d been smart, I wouldn’t have gone
so far with her. Sex had been a mistake. We’d created a much deeper bond than I’d
expected. Looking at her now, I knew I couldn’t continue to think of her as a
way to hurt Trent. That, in fact, I’d stopped thinking of her that way a while
ago.

I’d gone into this relationship in
complete cynicism, thinking I could damage my stepbrother. Knowing I might hurt
Caro in the process hadn’t seemed important at the time. Now, I cringed inside
to think of how much pain I could cause her by coming between her and Trent.
Especially if she ever suspected why I’d gone after her.

From this moment—no, from the moment we’d
first joined our bodies—I left any revenge attempts behind. Whatever we had
here was no longer about me and Trent. It was about me and Caroline.

She sighed and shifted her position. I
might be making her uncomfortable, twining all four of my limbs through hers,
so I loosened my grip a little. She laid her hand over mine.

“Are you awake?” I murmured, softly in
case she was really still sleeping.

“Uh huh.” She turned her head a little. “How
are you?”

“I’m good. Great, actually. You?”

Her body wiggled against mine, causing
my morning hard-on to pulse with sudden excitement. “I’m good too. I slept
really well. Usually I can’t sleep in a strange place.”

I brushed her curls back, nuzzling her
cheek. “You smell good.”

“No, I don’t,” she said, turning her
face toward the pillow. “Morning breath. No shower.”

“Then let’s brush our teeth.” I didn’t
want to waste any time with her, just in case.

She sat up, gloriously naked, the sheet
slipping to her waist. Her nipples were the most beautiful shade of pink I’d
ever seen, and erect in the chilly morning air. I swallowed hard and cupped her
right breast, savoring the warm, soft weight of it.

“You’re supposed to wait until I brush
my teeth,” she said.

“I can’t.”

Caroline hopped to her feet, bouncing in
all the right places. “Back in a sec.”

I watched her dash to the bathroom and
sighed. Okay. We’d brush teeth first.

A few minutes later, I had her backed
against the bathroom door, my hands on her sweet little ass.

“Shower,” she said between peppermint
flavored kisses.

“You cleaned up last night.”

“But—”

I grabbed her hips and lifted her until
she wrapped her arms and legs around me. “No shower. I can’t wait.”

She giggled as I carried her back to the
bed, her laughter turning to soft moans under more kisses. Gods, the noises she
made. They drove me crazy with want.  

Afterward, we lay with our arms around
each other and dozed for a while. I could hear her soft breathing, feel the
gentle movement of her ribs as she pulled air in and out of her body. Her hair
tickled my nose. It still smelled like vanilla.

I couldn’t remember ever being this
happy, and it made me nervous. Something was going to come along and rob me of
it, rob me of her. And I didn’t deserve her. I’d gotten her by lying and
cheating, and that never ends well.

Maybe I should come clean. Maybe if I
confessed, explained myself, let her know how much she meant to me already, she
would forgive me. My conscience would be clear and we could move forward with
no bullshit between us.

“Caro,” I whispered. “I need to tell you
something.”

“What is it?” she said in a sleepy
murmur.

I seduced you to hurt my brother.
Everything in me tightened up in preparation for the rejection I was about to
get. “I—it’s just—” I let out all my breath. “Nothing.”

She lifted her head and peered at me. “Nothing?”

“Well...I’m starving. You want
breakfast?” I was a fucking coward.

She looked at me for another moment, a
puzzled frown between her brows. “Sure. I’m hungry too.”

***

The coffee house was almost deserted so
early on a Saturday. It smelled like coffee and that particular, yeasty smell
of bread baking, which always makes me think of home even though no-one in my
family baked. Coffee and baking bread has to be one of the best scent
combinations in the world. We sat in the pale gray light of the window, side by
side, and I put my arm around her shoulders. She looked great in the morning—no
smeared mascara or weird hair. Just Caroline.

I couldn’t keep her. It was going to
bite both of us if I tried. She would eventually find out what I’d done and
despise me for it, and I didn’t think I could bear to look into her beautiful
eyes and know that she hated me. Damn. I didn’t want to let her go. Not yet.

But sometimes we have to do painful
things.

“Caro.” I withdrew my arm. I felt sick
inside. “We shouldn’t have slept together.” Gods, it hurt to say that.

She looked at me with alarm in her
chocolate eyes. “What?”

“You’re still with Trent.” I had to
force the words out. “It wasn’t right for me to come on to you. I feel like
crap about it.”

“Don’t. I’m going to break up with him.”
She said it seriously, like she really meant it.

“Not because of me.”

Caroline rotated her body in the booth,
so she faced me. “What is going on with you? I thought you hated him.”

“That’s beside the point. I don’t want
anything between the two of us to be...tainted.”

“Tainted? What do you mean?”

What I meant was I didn’t want my
stupid, ugly actions to get between us. To make her hate me. I blew some hair
out of my eyes. “I don’t want you to—to hate me for breaking you and Trent up.”

Her lips parted. She put her hand over
mine. “I would never blame you for that. What happens between me and Trent has
nothing to do with you.”

“Yes, it does, because Trent and I are
linked. We’ll always be linked.”

“Max, don’t do this.”

“I’m sorry. I just don’t think you and I
can work.” I started to slide out of the booth.

She grabbed my arm hard. “No. Don’t you
dare run out on me. If you’re really worried about hurting me, then don’t
leave.”

How was I going to argue with that? I
paused and looked at her. I’d definitely ruined her morning. She almost looked
like she wanted to cry. Did I mean that much to her?

What an unbelievable idea. No woman had
ever been deeply attached to me, even after weeks of being together. And Caro and
I had only had one night. One intensely moving night.

“I’m sorry,” she said, a tremor in her
voice. “I don’t mean to be all clingy or anything weird.”

“I don’t want to go,” I said. “But I
think it’s a bad idea to stay.”

“I don’t care. I want you. Please. Stay
with me. It’s not like we’re getting married, Max. Can’t we just have fun for a
while?”

“Is that what we’re having?” It was more
than fun to me. A lot more. But maybe for her, I was just some amusement in
between study sessions.

She leaned closer to me and whispered. “I’ve
never felt anything like I felt last night. Not with any guy except you. If you—I
can’t go back to Trent. Please don’t make me do that.”

My attempt to be noble died. I relaxed
back into the booth with a half-relieved, half-resigned sigh. “Okay. I’ll stay.”

Caroline wrapped her arm around my neck
and kissed me. “Thank you. You’re doing me a great service.”

“Is that so? I’ll be happy to service
you later.”

She smiled a little sadly. “You scared
me there.”

“I’m sorry.” I kissed her forehead. “I
was trying to be good.”

“I think I like you bad better.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

It was raining as we left the coffee
house. I pulled up my hood and Caroline tugged her hat down over her eyes. The
air smelled like wet earth, except for the scent of coffee that hung on our
clothing. I put an arm around her waist. She felt too good there, as if she
belonged right where she was forever. I never thought about forever with women.
What was happening to me?

She leaned against me. “I have a lot of
studying to do this week.”