Running Away From Love (3 page)

              It took me about two hours to get home, but as soon as I got home I crashed. I just wanted to be left alone. No one was expecting me to be home for a couple more days anyway. So that meant more days for me to try to pull myself together. But how I’m feeling right now I don’t even know when that would actually be possible. I didn’t even want to tell my family what happened with Trey, because I knew they would end up telling me they told me so. They all warned me that I was wasting my time with him. They thought he had some serious growing up to do. But I went against them all hoping they were all wrong. I had complete faith that Trey would eventually get his shit together. I would always say that he loved me, but he needed some time. To me, no one understood what he and I shared. Our connection was never forced in the beginning. But I admit I was forcing the connection the last two years. I wanted to have a lasting and meaningful relationship with a man who I loved and who loved me back. As I look back on it not only did I try to convince my friends and family to believe in him, but I also tried to convince myself. After being let down time after time my faith in him was completely lost. As soon as I came into my bedroom and dropped my bags, I was greeted by a picture of me and Trey sitting on my nightstand. Looking at his face made the anger rise up all over again. I picked up the picture and threw it against the wall. I watched the glass shatter into pieces just like our relationship and my heart. I wanted no signs of him anywhere near me that shit had to go. As I crawled into my bed the smell of his cologne still lingered all over me. I ripped off my clothes as quickly as I could to get the smell of him off of me. I pulled the covers over my head and closed my eyes. I tried to go to sleep, but I tossed and turned all night long. The tears wouldn’t stop falling. I found it damn near impossible to sleep in the midst of my misery.

              After about a week of wallowing in my misery I had finally came to a conclusion about this baby situation. In the end I decided I wasn’t ready right now to raise a child all on my own. The timing wasn’t right for me to bring a child into this world. I was far from being able to be the mother I knew my child would need me to be. I felt like my first child deserved better than to be brought into this world with dysfunctional parents. So about a week later I had London drive me to the woman‘s clinic.

As we were driving she said “Jasmine, are you really sure you want to do this? I mean you have people who love you who can help you out with this baby. You are not alone in all of this I hope you know that. I know you may feel all alone without Trey being here, but you really are not. It doesn’t matter if Trey chooses to be here for you. That’s his loss, Jasmine, not yours. Speaking of which does he even know about you being pregnant?”

I sighed and as I said, “I know I have people who will be there for me. I can’t have this baby right now, London. I really can’t deal with having Trey’s baby. I know that sounds really selfish of me, but it’s really how I feel. As horrible as it sounds, I really want to move on with my life with nothing to remind me of him. I‘m not ready to be a single parent. I don’t want to have to depend on everybody else for help with my child. I want to have a family, London. I want my first child to grow up with a family that includes its father being there 100%. There is no way it would work with him living in a different city, and me being here in Buffalo, trying to raise a child together. It definitely won’t help that he doesn’t even want to be with me, let alone have a baby with me. It’s all wrong. In all honesty, I don’t think I’m any more ready for a baby than he is.” She just stared at me knowing I didn’t even tell Trey about the baby seeing how I ignored her question. But she let it go.

But it didn’t keep her from making sure I was sure. Concerned she asked “I really hope you aren’t letting your anger and hurt be the reasons you’re making this decision. I know you, Jasmine, and you do not look like you really are sure about this. Do you need more time to think about it?” She didn’t want me to have any regrets.

I shook my head knowing I was telling her a lie. She knows that when I’m angry or hurt there really is no talking logically to me.

She shrugged and said “Okay, Jasmine, I support you no matter what your decision is. Have you considered telling Trey about the baby? Don’t you think he has the right to know? Maybe if he knew your decision might change. How do you know he doesn’t want the baby? And before you start trying to curse me out, just hear me out. I’m only saying this because I don’t think it’s right to not give someone the chance to know about their child. No matter how much of an ass he is, he does have the right to choose, Jasmine.”

I looked at her like she just lost her damn mind. “London, are you serious right now? He doesn’t have a right to know anything concerning me anymore. He lost all those damn privileges when he kicked my ass to the curb. Besides, don’t you think if he were really concerned about me I would have heard from him by now? It’s been weeks and not a single word. I know him, London, he would have given me the money with the quickness to get rid of this baby.”

She shook her head at me, and decided to leave it alone. “Wow,” I said sadly, “Trey and I are really over. You know what’s funny is that it all ended so suddenly, but the pain seems like it will last in my heart and mind forever. I feel broken. I loved him with everything I had in me, and it all blew up my face. Now here I am making, a decision that will probably affect me for the rest of my life. Yes, in reality I would love to keep my baby, but I don’t think I am ready to do this alone. I am so scared, London. I have no clue if I’m making the right decision.” I was holding so much anger and hatred in my heart for Trey. It showed when I speak his name.

London grabbed my hand in an attempt to calm me down. “It’s okay to be scared, Jasmine. This is life, unfortunately. Things like this happen sometimes. Being with child is a blessing not many women ever get the chance to experience. You really need to listen to your heart, not your emotions. I know you’re hurt, sad, angry, and every other negative emotion. You’re so much stronger than you ever give yourself credit. You really need to start seeing that for yourself, Jasmine. Like I said, I will stick by you, no matter what you decide in the end. I’m your best friend, and I will never pass judgment on any decisions you decide to make.”

              As we pulled up in front of the clinic, it felt like butterflies were flying all around my stomach. I was a nervous wreck. I rubbed my stomach as I thought about the decision I was about to make. I wondered if it was a little boy or girl. I wondered what the baby would look like, and what personality he or she would have. I kept thinking about all of the what-if’s. Was I really going to go through with this? Was I really making this decision for my own benefit? Or was I making this choice solely based on my own anger and selfishness.

Even with all of this going through my mind I still went inside. And as I signed in I began to look all around the office. Most of the females in there seemed to have the same blank and expressionless look on their face I wore. Some seemed to be content about the decision they were making. I was trying not to be judgmental, but the way it came across made me sick. Some women were talking about how they were going to the club afterwards. I couldn’t understand how they could be so nonchalant with this situation. Hearing them talk like that was mind boggling to me. I began to wonder about the circumstances which the women there. Was it because some guy decided he wasn’t ready for kids? Or was it because she wasn’t ready to be responsible for another life besides her own? I guess I fell into both categories.

At this point in my life I didn’t feel ready to take on this huge responsibility all on my own. As selfish as it sounds I didn’t want to be responsible for anyone else yet. There was still so much I wanted to do, and I didn’t know if I would be able to get to where I wanted to be with a baby. Not to say it can’t be done because I knew there are plenty women who are doing it as we speak every day. I just knew I was not ready to take on that task.

My name was called, and I quickly snapped out of my thoughts. I held back the tears which were starting to fill my eyes. I was so damn scared, but I walked forward, and followed the nurse to the back. I kept telling myself I couldn’t bear the thought of having a child with a man who was far from wanting to be its father. Every inch of my heart and soul was pleading for me to stop. But my anger overpowered all other feelings, and I went through with it.

After it was all said and done, I really didn’t know how to feel. My body and mind were completely numb. I felt ashamed and sad. London tried her best to comfort and console me, but the damage was already done. I regretted my decision almost immediately. I began to realize my reasons for the abortion were fucked up. In the end, it was my decision, and I will have to answer to God for my sins. I covered my head with my hoodie as London just drove me home.

Once we were in my apartment, I climbed into my bed, and London tucked me in as I cried myself to sleep. I did nothing but sleep, and she stayed right there by my side through it all. She made sure I was taken care of, but for days I didn’t eat. I must have lost at least ten pounds. I fell into a depression. I don’t know how in the world I would have made it pass this situation without her. She was there for me at my lowest point. She stood by my side, and let me get it all out of my system. What more can you really ask for in a friend?

I tried my best to hide my pain from everyone around me, but no matter how much I tried to hide my mom knew I was hurting. Anyone who knew me knew I hold in all of my emotions. I’m always hiding, refusing to let anyone in, but my mom knows me inside and out. She hated it when I chose to hide or deny my feelings. I guess she knew that it would eventually lead to my complete emotional breakdown. One day she called me over to the house to talk. I knew she wanted to talk about what was going on with me. She noticed the fluctuation in my weight, and I knew she was probably concerned.

She was watching TV when I walked into the house. She motioned for me to come over and join her. As soon as I sat down her face was filled with concern as she looked at me.

“Jasmine,” she said softly, “I know something is going on in your life right now. And I’m pretty sure it has something to do with that boy, Trey. I haven’t heard you mention him lately. Tell me what is going on. You clearly have not been yourself lately. I’ve noticed you have withdrawn yourself from everyone, including your family, and that concerns me.”

I sighed saying, “I don’t really want to talk about it, mom.”  “Jasmine cut it out, and spit it out right now!” she angrily spit out. I sighed. “Okay, yes, it is about Trey. When I went to visit him in NYC, he said he didn’t want me anymore. There is no easy way to talk about being heartbroken, mom. I loved him and I found that he didn’t love me the same. I just feel used and stupid letting things carry on as I did. I have never felt so low in my life. He strung me along until he no longer needed me. There seemed to be no regard for my heart and feelings when he did the things he did. It hurts me to think about it, so naturally I don’t chose to talk about it mom.”

As I was talking, I broke into tears, and everything I had been feeling came rushing over me. My mom hugged me tight, wiping the tears from my eyes. She said “That’s enough crying over him, Jasmine. He doesn’t deserve anymore of your tears, baby girl. Jasmine, I know that it’s hard when someone you love and trust breaks your heart. It is one of the most difficult types of pain to bear. Trust me when I say that one day he will regret how he handled things with you, and he will want what you two had back. You have to remember, when it’s all said and done, you will be a stronger and better woman because of it. You have to look at it as a lesson learned. I think you know as well as I that you have needed to get serious about your life, Jasmine. Trey will not break you. You are so much stronger than that. I can see the strength in you, and it’s about time you start seeing that for yourself. You are a smart and beautiful woman, and if he couldn’t see that you were a special, then he didn’t deserve you. Take this as a turning point in your life. Start making decisions about your life, and put them into action. Do not let your life pass you by when you still have so much potential. You are so talented, and you haven’t even begun to tap into your full potential. I see it, Jasmine. You just need to embrace it.” I nodded my head in agreement as I said “I know.” She kissed my forehead before she got up and gently whispered, “Jasmine, I love you, and you will find a man one day who will love you like you deserve to be loved. But you need to love yourself first. You have to do that before you can expect any man to. Always remember that, Jasmine.”

She walked away and left me alone to let her words resonate within my heart and mind. I didn’t say anything about my pregnancy. Only London knew about that, and that’s the way I wanted to keep it. I didn’t want anyone making me feel any worse than what I was already feeling. I knew my mom would never judge me, but I didn’t want to think about the baby ever again. It was a situation I had yet to come to terms with. I wiped the tears away, and pulled myself together again. Once again I put on my happy face pretending I was okay, but I still felt like shit on the inside. I was trying to deal with this breakup, and also the decision I made to abort my unborn child.

I dealt with my pain by throwing myself into my work and burying everything deep down inside of me. I hoped my heart would somehow heal itself over time. On some of my saddest days I wrote down everything I felt. My diary contained my most personal and intimate thoughts and feelings. Everything that I couldn’t bring myself to say I wrote down instead. Writing was my therapy. What I felt I couldn’t speak I got it down on paper with so much ease. For me that was the best way to deal with everything that was going on in my life. Talking felt pointless. Because I couldn’t imagine how anyone could understand how I was feeling, I didn’t want anyone to even try. All I wanted was to get back to feeling like me again. I wanted to be happy; I wanted to smile.