Running Away From Love (16 page)

I didn’t respond so he kept talking, “Jasmine, I have wanted to talk to you about this whole baby situation. Ever since you told me about it, it has bothered me a lot. I wish you would have told me about this way before now. I’m sorry you went through all of that without me being there for you. I mean, I can’t really say how I would have reacted to the news back then. I was by no means looking to be a father at that point in my life. But I need you to know and understand, I would have been there for you. Yeah, I talked a lot of shit about me not wanting kids all the time, but I always saw you as the mother of my children. So if you would have decided to keep the baby I would have been there for you and my child. Yeah it would have been a major setback career wise for me, but I would have made it work for the both of us. I really need you to know and understand that. I would never have turned my back on you knowing that you were carrying my seed.”

I just nodded as I said “Yeah well it’s already done. I really don’t want to talk about it, Trey.”

              I decided to change the subject “How is the business going?”

I could tell he was getting annoyed at how I kept brushed him off. But he entertained me by saying, “The business is very good. Mike and I finally got our management company up off the ground. I worked at the record company making them money for a while. I made some important contacts and relations where I could start managing my own talent. We manage a lot of new talent right now. We’re looking to get one rapper named Melo signed to Island Def Jam soon. If all goes according to plan, it will be a very good look for us; he is a very talented artist. I honestly believe he is a star, and will be major on the hip hop scene once he gets out there. He is already big underground wise. We just need that mainstream audience to make him pop.

I smiled as I said “Wow, you are doing real big things I see. I’m proud of you. I guess it is kind of crazy we’re both living out our dreams right now. We’re adults now can you believe it?”

He laughed as he said “Well, if you’re really proud of me, then you can get your magazine to do a feature on him.”

I laughed as I said “Trying to sell your artist to me I see. But if he is as dope as you say I will see what I can do for you. I’ll give you my email just send me his stuff.”

He smiled as he said “I appreciate that. Yes, I’ve been trying to make things happen out here. Unfortunately, I let other things suffer while I’ve been making these moves.”

I just looked at him after his last comment. I still was refusing to engage in that conversation with him. So again I changed the subject and I asked “So when is the last time you been home?”

He laughed and hung his head down as he said “Man, I don’t want to tell you.”

I smacked him playfully on the arm as I said “Tell me right now Trey.”

He said “I haven’t been home in two years. I know; I need to be smacked, but I’m so damn busy. I find it impossible to find time to go back to Buffalo. My mom is pissed at me.”

I laughed as I said “She should be pissed off being that her baby act like he doesn’t have family and friends back in Buffalo.”

He laughed as he said “You know my mom still to this day asks about you. She always loved you for me even though you always thought that she hated you.”

I laughed as I said “Your mom didn’t want me dating her baby boy back then. I’ve actually seen her a couple time’s back home, and she told me how you were doing and stuff. She would tell me even though I didn’t want to hear shit about you. So I put on a front like I really cared so I didn’t seem rude.”

He laughed as he said “Oh, really she didn’t tell me she saw you.”

I smirked as I said “It’s probably because you never come home.”

We laughed some more and talked about any and everything that we could possibly think of. It was obvious that I was dancing around the issues that still surrounded him and I. In all honesty it felt really good just talking with him. Before we were anything we were really good friends. I would say that he was like my best friend besides London.

              I would have been kidding myself, if I kept on acting like I didn’t have things to get off of my chest. So I decided it was now or never. I was going to say everything I had been thinking over the last two years. I needed to stop ignoring the obvious issues between us. I really needed to know what happened, and where we went so wrong. I guess he could sense my mood had changed.

So he asked “What’s wrong? What’s on your mind?”

I said “Do you really want to know?”

He stared at me with his big brown eyes and said “Well I know something is on your mind. I don’t know when we will get to talk to each other like this again. So I say we both get whatever we need to say out now.”

I took a deep breath in and said “Well why did you end it with me like that, Trey?”

I knew that he was uncomfortable with that question, because he knew that he really didn’t have an answer that would satisfy me. He shifted a little in his seat before he began to speak.

“Jasmine, there really is no easy answer to that question I can give you. I guess I started to feel like I was missing out on something. I was young at the time. You and I had been together since we were 16, and I felt like I needed to experience my life without you for a while. It was like we were so serious with one another at such a young age. After all the years I felt like the next thing for us would be like marriage and kids. And I wasn’t ready to be any more serious with you than what I already was. Plus I knew I wanted to leave Buffalo to pursue my dreams. With me doing that, we would have had to be in a long distance relationship. I did my dirt in our relationship with other girls, and all that shit I can never take back. In the end, I was tired of hurting you, Jasmine. You may not have thought that I noticed, or that I could care less. But I saw what I was doing to you emotionally. It was written all over you how bad you were hurting. You tried to put on this front like you were ok, but I see right through you Jasmine. I know you better than you would like to admit. In the end I just wasn’t ready to be the man I knew you needed and deserved. So I felt like it was best if I let you go. So I pushed you away.”

              I felt the anger rising up in my chest. Just thinking about it made my blood boil. I just stared at him, unable to really speak a word. If I speak when I’m angry, I lash out harshly. So I tried to keep myself calm as he talked.

He continued on saying “It was never in my intentions to break your heart, Jasmine. I just needed time to figure all my shit out. I wanted to live the bachelor lifestyle and come and go as I pleased. But I’ve lived that life for a while now going from chick to chick. I realized that it isn’t the life I want to live for the rest of my life. I started to miss you, Jasmine. For the longest time I ignored it and pushed it to the back of my mind. There were so many times where I dialed your number, but I could never make the call. I knew that after how things ended that you hated me. How would I find the words to say after how everything played out that night? The way you stormed out that night I knew that might possibly be the last time I would ever see and talk to you. Either way it went I would have hurt you in the end. It was a fucked up situation for the both of us. I pushed you away hoping that it was the best thing for the both of us. Maybe I didn’t handle it the way you thought I should have, and for that I apologize. I only did what I thought was right at the time.”

I calmed myself down enough where I could talk logical to him.

“Yes, Trey it would have hurt me no matter what the outcome was. But it hurt me more when I felt like you couldn’t be honest with me. I mean me out of all people you couldn’t show the courtesy to tell me the truth. All you had to do was tell me how you were feeling. Instead you just left me always wondering what was going on with you. How we ended things that night left a big ass question mark in my mind when it came to you. I couldn’t understand how you fell out of love with me. I would have respected you so much more if you were just honest with me. Yes, I loved you very much, and wanted to be with you no matter what. But if you would have just talked to me about what you wanted it would have been a little easier for me to deal with. Instead you made me feel like I wasn’t good enough. I waited around for you for what seemed to be an eternity. Even after all that time of me showing my loyalty, you still fucked me over. You just dropped me and never even asked about me. Whatever you asked I did just to prove how much you meant to me. I made sure to change anything about myself that you didn’t like so I would be all you could have possibly needed. I put on this facade that I was this perfect girl, and I lost myself in the process. Jasmine wasn’t Jasmine anymore. You always made me a million and one promises, and you never even kept one of them! I trusted you, but then I was left alone, aborting a baby I wanted to keep. Do you have any idea what that felt like? I didn’t really make the decision to not keep the baby for me. I made the decision based solely on me being so damn mad at you. But as time moved on I grew up as well. I realized that I had my own selfish reasons for not keeping that baby, and I can’t put the blame all on you. It was my fault as well for not being strong enough to deal with it. I just couldn’t imagine having a child knowing the father could possibly resent me for it. You just disappeared on me like what we had for all those years was something that you could have cared less about. It just hurt is all I can say about it.”

              We both sat in silence for a while, and the tension between us could be cut with a knife. He leaned in close to me and grabbed my hand.

He stared directly into my eyes as he spoke up, “Jasmine, you are worth so much more than words could ever describe. I know how much shit you put up with dealing with me. I didn’t want to just stop talking to you. But I did it because I knew you wouldn’t just let me go. I knew that you loved me too much to walk away from me. So I had to push you away. I mean, shit I thought about you every single day. Do you remember this?”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out my gold nameplate necklace I thought I had lost and handed it to me. I was speechless. I had no idea where I lost this necklace. This necklace meant the world to me; it was the last thing I had left to remember my granddad. I didn’t have any words; I just stared at him.

So he continued on saying “You dropped it that night we ended things. I always wanted to give it back to you, but it was all I had left to remember you by. I guess it made me feel somewhat close to you. I let my new life and work consume me. I forgot who and what really mattered most. I never called because I didn’t know what to say. I came to realize over time that none of these other chicks that I dealt with could compare to you. I found myself comparing every girl to you, and every time they fell short of what I was used to after being with you. It took me a while to get here, Jasmine, but I’m here, baby. This whole time I had everything I could possibly want and need in you. I swear I had no idea you were pregnant. Let me be clear, if you had decided you wanted to keep the baby, I would have been a father to my child. It’s crazy how you could have thought anything different about me. You know me better than that.”

As he was saying all of this to me I had to admit that he really had grown up a lot. Because the old Trey would have never admitted being wrong under any circumstances.

I couldn’t hide my disappointment and anger though. A frown appeared on my face as I said “Well what else was I supposed to think, Trey? You told me that you didn’t want to be with me. What would it look like me saying oh, by the way I’m pregnant, right after you said that to me? Yes, it’s true everyone makes mistakes, it just sucks you had to make them all with me. How you and I have become strangers after so many years together is what is crazy. We were so inseparable at one point. For me when we split I lost more than a lover you were also my best friend.”

He smiled at me to try to ease the tension away. Then he said “Listen I need to say this while I have your attention. The truth is I still love you, Jasmine. I never stopped loving you even though we lost contact. I still think I am the man for you, even though you are with the next man. I think you know just as much as I do that we’re meant for each other. I mean what were the chances of us running into each other that night? New York City is so big we could have never seen one another ever again, but we did. I can’t help but think that us running into each was for a reason. And I’m not taking that chance meeting lightly. I know you still love me. I can see it in your eyes when you look at me. On the outside you’re playing all tough and hard, but I can see right through all of that, Jasmine. I know how you feel deep down, and there isn’t any way you can hide that from me. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive me. All I want is another chance to show you I’m a different man now. I promise I will make up for all the broken promises I have ever made to you. I’m willing to spend the rest of my life fixing anything that I’ve broken. All I need is a chance.”

              I didn’t know how to respond to everything he had just said. Deep down there was no question that I still felt deeply for him. I knew he was being sincere with me. I just couldn’t bring myself to accept it. I couldn’t see myself forgiving the man who hurt me to the core of my soul. So I diverted my eyes in another direction, and decided to change the subject again. I was very uncomfortable.

“Are you ready to go, Trey? I have to get home; I have a deadline for work I need to get started on.”

He just stared at me, unwilling to accept me ignoring him. So he said slightly annoyed “Jasmine, I’m sitting here pouring my heart out to you, are you’re really going to sit here and ignore me? Can you really sit here and tell me you don’t love me anymore? Just tell me you don’t love me, Jasmine.”