Ruin (20 page)

“I will,” I say, nodding. “Well … goodbye!”

He winks. “Good luck!”

I walk out the room with just one crutch, as I’ve been doing for the past month. My leg still hurts, but not as much as it used to, and I can walk a little further now, maybe even going around a block or two.

I stop for a second and pop a pill, feeling happy that I’m only taking two Tylenol a day now. It’s really going well, even with managing the pain, which is getting less and less as the weeks go by.

As I get outside to the waiting area where my mom and dad are sitting, I surprise them by hugging them from behind. “I can start walking with no crutches!”

“Oh, honey, that’s wonderful news!” My dad hugs me.

“That’s great! Let’s go celebrate,” my mom says as we wrap our arms around each other and walk out of the hospital. “Ice cream’s on me!”

***

As I sit at my computer after a day out with Mom and Dad, I look at that game I always play and how much it has helped me cope with the reality of my life as it is. But I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I might not be able to dance again the way I used to. Life isn’t always straightforward or clear. Sometimes, you have to be sidetracked in order to find out what’s most important to you.

In this case, it turned out I put my happiness on the backburner. Traded my love of books, games, and writing for a career in an outfit that didn’t fit me. And even though I always have and still adore dancing, it will never become a bigger part of me than all those other things I adore so much.

Since accepting this fact, I’ve started writing like crazy, churning out books as fast as lightning. I can’t even keep up with my own word count, and watching the worlds I create coming to life on paper continue to amaze me.

It’s not just in my head anymore.

It’s as real as my desire to publish them. Well, not now, as I still need to learn many tricks.

But one day, for sure.

One day, I’m going to be a famous author, just as I promised Alex.

I may not be as famous as J.K. Rowling … but I’ll take a number two.

It’s funny to think about it … that I started finishing the stories I started because of him.

He caused me to look at myself and learn to love myself for who I really am.

He caused me to miss him more than I’ve ever missed my family or my best friend, and to this day, it aches that he isn’t around. Sometimes, I even have mini-breakdowns, but I try to push past them as quickly as I can because I know it’s not worth feeling them. I know now that everything will be okay, despite what happens to me. Despite what happens to him. Life will go on.

He caused me to see the world in a different light.

He caused many things in me. Both good and bad, I don’t deny that. They’re a part of me, just as much as he is part of me, and I am part of him.

At least … I hope.

I haven’t seen him or even spoken to him in a while. Not since last time on the bridge. Neither of us has. Not an email. Not on our game. Not a call. Not a text. Not even a letter. Nothing.

I suppose it was a sort of silent promise we made to each other.

We won’t speak a word until all is well. Until we’re both ready to face each other.

I just know he thought the same. I could feel it when he looked at me the way he did when he walked away.

One day, we’ll meet without all the pressure, without the guilt, without the pain, without the past. One day, I’ll see him again … and then we’ll finally be who we want to be.

How do I know? No particular reason. Some things in life, you just know, and this is one of them.

***

Alexander

Days later

“Tell me what you wrote down, Alex,” my psychiatrist says.

I shift positions in the chair. “Just what we talked about yesterday. About life and what I’d like to get out of it.”

“And …?”

“Well, I just want to be happy, I suppose.”

“What is happiness to you?”

“Hmm …” I think about it for a second. “If I can live my life to the fullest, without regrets and without looking back at the things I’ve done or said before.”

She smiles. “I like that. Do you still feel empty, like you said a few months ago?”

“No … I used to, but now that I think of it, not anymore. I feel like a weight has lifted off me since I started talking to you.”

“Good. I’m glad things are changing. “So tell me … do you think you’re ready for it?”

“For what? Life?”

She lowers her glasses. “Yeah.”

I think about my life, my past, my present. My future.

I think about the bullying, my dad. Her.

That moment on the bridge.

Something in me broke that day.

After having been dealt so many blows, a guy is set to fall. That’s the law of the world.

Depression does something strange to people. It changes them … makes them do irrational things they wouldn’t normally consider.

I was like that, once.

It was no easy feat admitting I was wrong. Wrong for thinking I needed to fix everything in order to be able to live. But now I know that being damaged is okay. The scars we carry shape us into humans that better understand the world and those living around us.

I’ve had plenty of time to think about my life and what I’m doing. And I’ve had plenty of time to think about her … and what I did to her. What we did together.

She … she’s something different. Someone who doesn’t live by the rules. She makes her own.

Because of her, I realized there is more than just guilt and repentance. More than love and hate. There are an infinite number of shades in between, all of them as valid and as important to life.

Our hues were different in the beginning, but now, we’ve grown to complement each other.

At least, that’s what I hope, once I see her again.

And I know for a fact that ‘once’ will be someday very soon.

But for now, I’m working toward that moment … when I can finally say I’m happy again. And I feel deep down in my heart that it’s so close; I know it won’t be long.

And then I’ll finally make her proud.

Alexander

After

I sit down on the bench under the trees and grab my laptop from my bag, opening it up to start my game. I’m only going to log in to check on a few things, not to battle monsters. The internet connection isn’t good enough for that anyway here at the hospital. Not that I have time for it—I’m supposed to help a patient get to her room in about twenty minutes.

Still, it’s enough time to enjoy the sunny day in a relaxing spot. Plus, I’ve got some Starbucks coffee and a great smile. It’s all I need for a good day.

My psychiatrist actually suggested I continue to volunteer here, to keep me feeling positive about my role in the world. She was right … It helps to keep me on the right path. Honestly, I’m in a great spot now, and I don’t mean physically. I finally feel like I belong. Like I can matter to someone, even if they don’t really get to know me. Just being able to help people gives me such a boost to my confidence. And it’s a good way to build up my resume.

Not that it’s needed anymore because two days ago, I was accepted for my very first job at a local contractor. I’ll only be taking calls from clients and penning in work for the builders, but it’s a start, and I feel great about it. Now, I finally have a chance to prove my worth, maybe even show them a drawing or two of mine.

But for now, I’ll settle for playing a game for a few minutes before I need to get to work.

As I log in, a few notices pop up on my screen, but I ignore them. I just want to have a quick break without interruptions.

With the exception of perhaps one.

Because when my eyes briefly glance over the edge of the laptop at the sight of a short-legged girl in a bright red dress walking my way with crutches, they can’t stop looking.

I gaze at the girl with the dark blond hair, which slowly drifts in the wind as I close my laptop slowly. I can’t believe she’s here. Is this real? How did she even find me?

But then I remember the popups and something about my location being tracked by Facebook or Instagram. And her always being aware of where I was, when I went to the bridge, even though I never told her.

Every time I log in to my laptop or phone and go online … she knows.

And she found me.

I put my laptop aside and stand up as her lips curl up into a smile.

She’s so beautiful; it still amazes me every damn time I see her. Every time feels like the first time. And she’s even more beautiful when I realize I’m a better man because of her.

She places her crutches in front of her and stops right in front of the small opening to the little garden I’m sitting in, her toes touching the grass. Our eyes meet and it feels like we’ve been watching each other for the longest time. The same trees we once danced under now stand between us. But they won’t hold her back.

Her fingers untangle from one of the crutches, and it falls to the ground.

I take a step forward, worrying about whether I need to help her, but when I see the smile on her face, I know she doesn’t need my help anymore.

Another one falls to the ground.

One by one, her feet start to move.

Stumbling through the grass without anyone to hold her hand.

She’s fragile but so strong. Stronger than I’ve ever seen her before. The fearlessness in her eye could split mountains in half.

I’m so proud of her that I have to wipe a tear away.

With every step she takes, I add one of mine until we meet in the middle, and she tumbles into my arms. Without speaking words, I know she’s mine. She always has been, right from the start. I only had to forgive myself and reach out.

So I hold her tight and kiss her harder than I have ever done before.

***

Maybell

Months later

I take a sip of my Pepsi and gaze ahead at the ocean in front of me. Many people are enjoying a nice day out on the beach, and I don’t blame them—it’s hot outside. I had to rub tons of sunscreen on my skin to make sure I didn’t burn. The sand alone could scorch my feet, but luckily, I’m lying on a comfy lounger.

With my laptop on my lap and a blanket between to keep it from heating up my legs, I type away at my novel. It’s my third one that’s almost finished now. Things are going well for me now that I’ve also started publishing them online. I never knew that was a possibility, but when I searched around on a couple of forums, I’d found the answer to my question. I pressed the button a few weeks ago, and now, I can call myself a full-fledged author.

Well, there aren’t many sales yet, but it’s slowly building and I can’t complain. Things can only get better from here. Especially if I just keep writing and living my dream. And I don’t think I’ll have any problems with that, considering the fact that the stories just keep pouring into my head.

Pressing the save button, I glance sideways at Alex, who’s lying next to me, playing a game on his phone. I smile just thinking about how far we’ve come. With all the drawings he’s done lately, and how well it’s going at his new job, I feel so proud of him. Nothing can stop us now that we’ve embraced life.

I realize what we have is precious. Our bodies … our hearts. All of it. It doesn’t matter if you’re short, skinny, tall, fat, disabled, or just a little awkward. It only makes us more lovable.

And to be honest, nothing can stop me from living this life I have to the fullest, no matter how short it is or how many obstacles I face. Because that’s all we can do in the grand scheme of things—just get up and keep walking.

But this time, it’ll be together.

I grin, thinking about how nice it was to finally not be alone in my own home. Now that Alex has moved in with me, our lives are going a lot smoother. No more yelling parents. No more disappointment. No more loneliness. It’s just the two of us from now on. Although I did finally introduce him to my parents a few weeks ago. They took it surprisingly well. Not that it matters because I’m not letting Alex walk out of my life ever again.

“What’s up?” Alex asks as I keep staring at him.

Grinning, I put my laptop back into my bag and ask, “I just wanted to know something …”

“Shoot,” he muses.

“Are you really happy?”

He smiles, and that’s all I need to know.

I grab his hand and pull him up. My toes curl from the hot sand underneath, but I keep walking, my fingers entwined with his. The further I get, the faster I go, until I’m running. Running as fast as I can—even with my bad leg, I won’t let it stop me.

We smile and laugh as we let the water touch our feet and submerge ourselves into the sea.

The water splashes in my face and swooshes me from side to side. My heart pounds, but I’m not scared.

No open space or depth can make me afraid anymore.