Ruin (19 page)

I can’t just leave her here.

Or anywhere, for that matter.

It was my fault she got into this mess, and assisting her so she can live her life the way she wants is going to be the only way to redeem myself.

***

Maybell

The air feels stuck in my throat as I struggle to breathe.

Alexander Wright. The boy from school who came to be known as The Snicker God …

He caused my car crash.

Images of that day flash in front of me.

Me, reading a book I love.

Me, riding my car.

Me, not seeing that guy stepping out into the traffic.

Me, almost hitting him.

Him.

It was always him.

When I woke up in the hospital, I remembered something about seeing eyes stare back at me seconds before the crash, but the memory was so foggy I dismissed it as fantasy.

It was never just a figment of my imagination.

It was him all along.

“You … caused this?” I look down at my leg, tears forming in my eyes.

“I’m sorry, May. I really am,” he says, his voice so dark it makes me want to scream.

“Tell me you’re lying …” I say, but I already know he’s not. The more I think about it, the more it’s starting to make sense. And now, I’m losing my mind.

“It’s the truth,” he says, giving me a final blow to the heart. “I only volunteered at the hospital so I could see you and help you get better … because of what I’d done.”

I shake my head in disbelief.

When he came to me in the hospital, I thought he was just a random boy I could befriend. Then I found out he was someone I went to school with, and when he told me he’d always had a crush on me, I was flattered. And when I found out he was the boy I’d been gaming with, I thought it was too good to be true.

Turns out it was.

He wasn’t just any boy. He was the cause of all my misery.

But still … it doesn’t sit right.

He wouldn’t have just walked out on the street to harm me. He never intended for any of this to happen, even though it did.

I refuse to blame him. “No,” I yell.

His eyes catch mine in a moment of pure rage. “I didn’t mean for it to happen. You, out of all people … Your car crash happened because of me, and I will never forgive myself for it.”

Forgiveness.

That’s what this is all about?

Why he’s sitting here on the edge of the bridge, moments away from casting himself down to his death? Some kind of repentance?

I refuse to accept that.

“ALEX WRIGHT!” I scream as loud as I can. “I am beyond pissed at you.”

“I know, and I’m sorry. I truly am, which is why I said nothing can fix—”

“I’m not finished!” I interject. “You’re saying you only came to me in the hospital for what you did? That the whole volunteering thing was a lie?”

He looks down again. “Yes.”

“Was loving me a lie too?”

He frowns, clearly upset. “No. That was
never
a lie. My feelings for you are all as real as your shattered leg.”

I swallow away the lump in my throat. “I don’t care about my leg. Or the accident.”

His mouth twitches as his lips part, but I won’t let him interrupt me.

“What’s done is done. Nothing can change the fact that this leg is in shambles.”

“Why do you think I wanted to help you? Why I wanted to make you happy?”

“So you could learn to forgive yourself.”

“So I could beg for your forgiveness one day,” he says, his voice fluctuating in tone. “But I fucked up. I kissed you. I fell in love with you. And then we had sex.” His eyebrows twitch. “It was so wrong.”

“No, it wasn’t,” I say. “It was everything I hoped it would be. My first time. And don’t you fucking ruin it.” I clench my fists.

“I went too far. I led you on without telling you the truth. This is what I deserve.”

Enough is enough.
“Well, fuck you, Alex Wright! Fuck you, because if you jump off this bridge, I will
never
forgive you.”

His mouth opens, but no sound comes out, his brows drawn together.

“I don’t fucking care that you caused my accident. Yes, it’s a tough pill. Yes, it sucks that it was you. And yes, it sucks that you lied about it. You could’ve told me the truth earlier.”

He turns around, pulling one foot up onto the ledge again. “How? How in the world would I have done that? Hey, I’m Alex, nice to meet you, I’m the guy who caused your accident? No. Just no.”

“And you think telling me now is the better option? When you’re almost committing suicide on a bridge?”

“I’m not. I never said I was, and I never told you to come here.” He cocks his head. “I wasn’t going to tell you.”

“Well, it sure looks like it.” I put my hands on my side. “And that explanation isn’t any better, it’s worse.”

He sighs. “I’m not worth this fight, May.”

I stomp my crutch on the ground instead of my foot. “Goddammit, Alex. Yes, you are! Stop saying that. I’ve had enough of this. Get off that ledge, right now.”

“Why?”

Tears start to roll down my cheeks. “Because I
need
you, Alex. Because I can’t live this life with this leg without you. Don’t make me fucking pull you off with my crutch, goddammit.”

For a second, I think I spot a brief smile on his face. “I’d like to see you try.”

“This is not the time for stupid jokes.”

“I know, I know …” He turns his head away for a second. “So this is how it’s going to go?”

“I’m not letting you off the hook that easily. You’re not going anywhere,” I say, plucking away the hair from in front of my eyes. “Not before you’ve properly atoned for your sin.”

After a few seconds, he turns his head. “How?”

“By being here. By my side. Making my life, and yours, better … each and every day.”

I take a step forward as his leg pulls away from the edge even more.

“I don’t care if I have to drag you off that ledge. You’re coming with me, Alex Wright.”

“Even after everything you just heard? After telling you that I caused all your pain?”

“I don’t care about any of that. You’re not evil. You didn’t do it to hurt me.
You
were hurt.” I swallow away the tears. “And if this wouldn’t have happened … then I would never have met you. All the pain was worth it because I have you now.”

When I’m close enough, I hold out my hand. “Now, grab my hand like I took yours back in the hospital before I slap you with my crutch.”

The left side of his lip tips upward. “You really have a way with words, Maybell.”

“Damn right, I do. I haven’t sworn this much in ages, thanks to you.”

“I guess it had to come out, one way or another.” He leans forward and grabs my hand. I squeeze him so tight that his face contorts. “You’re hurting me.”

“Good,” I growl, which makes him chuckle. “Well, I’m glad you’re laughing.”

“On the surface, yeah.”

I help him get off the ledge. He pats his legs and looks away at the lake, staring off into the distance while he leans on the edge he just sat on. I stand there with him, gazing at the sky above and wishing things could’ve gone differently.

After a while, he breaks the silence. “You know, all those years I was so depressed. So many things happened that took my happiness away. Bullies. My dad’s cardiac arrest. Family fights. My lack of interests. Bad grades. I couldn’t escape the guilt or the emotions. I wanted to disappear from the world.”

“And then my accident happened.”

He sighs softly. “Yes, but can we really call it an accident if I stood in your way?”

“It was. We both weren’t looking.”

He bites his lip. “I don’t know. All I know is that it was a pivotal moment. From then on out, I decided I needed to be there for you and help you in any way that I possibly could. Even befriend you … or more.”

“Even to the point of having sex with me,” I add.

His eyes twitch. “Yes and no. I did that because it made you happy. Because you needed it, and I wanted to give you everything you wished for to make up for what I did. But deep down, I knew I wanted it too. I wanted you. Always did.”

I blow out a big breath, trying to cope with all the information.

“And that very need made me want to do this.”

“You think you don’t deserve me?” I ask.

“How can I, after what I did?”

I suck on my lips and take a deep breath. “Then earn it. Earn the right to stand beside me. Earn the right to love me. Earn the right to receive my love. You owe it to yourself. You owe it to me …”

He nods slowly, looking down at the water below. “I never wanted to deceive you, May. That was never my intention. I only wanted to make you happy. To fix what I’d done. But I slowly came to realize that isn’t possible.”

“You can’t fix everything,” I say. “But what you can fix is your own attitude toward life. Your guilt. I can’t take that away from you. Only you can.”

He smiles. “I realize that now. I have to forgive myself first before anyone else ever can.”

I place my hand over his and squeeze. He squeezes back.

The cloud above his head has lifted, and for the first time, it feels like there are no more secrets between us.

“So … what now?” I ask.

“I don’t know,” he says. “We can’t just go back to how we were.” He looks at me with depressed eyes. “Maybe we need some time apart. You know, to get better. On our own.”

“But how will I know you won’t pull a stunt like this again?”

He smiles. “Well, I don’t know if you’ll believe me, but if I say I won’t … will you believe me?”

I frown and narrow my eyes. “Maybe.”

“Maybe,” he repeats. “Well, it’s a start.”

“You’re right.” I sigh. “I need a time-out and so do you.”

He nods and slams his lips shut. Even though we both don’t want to hear it, it’s the truth.

I look at him and then pull him in for a hug, sniffing as the tears start to run again. I whisper in his ear, “Promise me you’ll be happy again. One day. If you won’t do it for you, then do it for me. Ask for help.”

His hand slides down my back. “Let’s make a promise to each other.”

I nod, brushing away the tears. I know it has to be said. I know it has to be done. But that doesn’t make it any less difficult.

“Let’s get better first, okay?”

He nods, licking his lips.

“Promise me you’ll be happier.”

“I will,” he says. “And you promise me you’ll keep writing, no matter what. Don’t stop until you’re famous.”

I nod, smiling, but on the inside, I want to huddle in a corner and weep.

“Even if I may not be there to see it happen, you keep going,” he says.

I shake my head. “If you won’t live for yourself, live for me. Live until you’re happy again,” I say. “Promise me, Alex. Promise me you won’t stop living.”

“I promise,” he says after a few seconds.

I wish I could give him happiness, but I know deep down I can’t. Nobody can. Happiness isn’t something you can give away. It’s something that you feel inside, and you can only come to that happy place on your own.

Just like how it is with love. You can’t love someone if you can’t love yourself.

He grabs my chin and makes me look at him. “Don’t give up, okay? That’s the last thing I want.”

I bite my lip. “I won’t, I promise.”

It sounds like we’re saying goodbye.

Maybe we are. Maybe we aren’t.

There’s no guarantee. There never is. Not in real life.

But I know that he won’t give up on his promise … just as I won’t give up on mine. And if this is how it’s supposed to go, then we’ll have to let it happen.

He turns around and starts to walk, and I keep my eyes on him at all times to make sure he doesn’t attempt to jump off again. But he doesn’t. He keeps going, just as he said he would. For me.

“Hey, Alex!” I call out. “Promises can never be broken. You know that right?” I yell.

A smug smile crosses his face. “Next time we meet … I’ll see you run.”

Maybell

Months later

“The photos are excellent,” Dr. Hamford says.

“So do I have a GO?” I ask, clenching my knees.

The stitches are long gone too, and although it was painful when they pulled them out, the scar healed nicely.

The doctor smiles. “Yes, you can start walking without crutches now.”

I squeal out loud. I can’t help myself. I’m just that happy about regaining my freedom, step by step.

“But you have to be careful,” he adds. “Take it slow. Don’t overdo it.”

“I know, I know. Take it day by day. Not too much walking and slowly build up. My physical therapist reminds me every time,” I muse.

“Good. If you keep going at this rate, you’ll be walking with no trouble at all soon enough.”

I get up from my seat. He joins me, and we shake hands. “Thanks, doc. I appreciate everything you’ve done.”

“Don’t mention it. I’m happy it turned out so great. And don’t worry about the metal in your leg. It can stay in until the end unless it’s bothering you, of course. Then we can take it out. But that won’t be for another year so just focus on recovering.”