Rose (14 page)

“So, is this your way of telling me to find my own ride?” I joke even though I’m crumbling inside. He’s giving me an ultimatum. Either get my shit together, or that’s it. He’s walking away. And I can’t blame him. We’re not even in a relationship, and I’ve turned his whole life upside down.

I jump back when he suddenly yells, “Goddammit, stop with the jokes! What do you find funny about dying? Because I can tell you right now, it’s not a laughing matter to me. The thought of losing you is fucking ripping me to pieces.” As I stare at him, he lowers his voice to add, “Please, baby, help me. I know it’s easier to run from the pain than it is to face it, but that’s not working anymore. So many people in life never have the choice, but you do. If you won’t do it for yourself, please do it for me.”

Then I see a sight that slays me.

He wipes away a tear before it can fall from his eyes. We’re not even in a relationship and I’ve turned his whole life upside down. It would be wrong for me to trust him. He’s a good man who has good intentions, but he, like Jake, and like my father, must be well and truly ready to wash his hands of me. He seems into me, but who am I to read people well? Only one boyfriend. Only one girl friend too, for that matter. Maybe everyone else in my life has been right to keep their distance. I don’t want to be a burden anymore, but I don’t know how to escape his care, his pity.

“Max,” I murmur. “Tell me what you want me to do. I’ll stop cutting. I promise I won’t do it anymore.”
Liar. You can’t stop; it owns you. You’re weak.

As if he can hear my inner torment, he says, “Baby, it’s beyond you now. When you’re in pain, you’re going to hurt yourself to deal with it. But the small cuts that you started with are no longer helping you. That’s why you’re having more close calls. It’s no different than a drug addiction. It gets harder and harder to get the feeling you need so you increase the dose, or in your case, you cut deeper.”

Before he can say anything else, there’s a knock on the door and then it swings open. My mouth drops in shock as I see not only Lucian and Lia walk in, but my parents trailing behind them. I blink a few times, thinking this must surely be some kind of bad dream. “How—?” I ask as I look from them to Max. As if things couldn’t possibly get more embarrassing, Matt Foster steps in at the last moment. The silence is deafening, as everyone seems to be waiting for something.

Matt gives Max a look that seems to spur him into action. He clears his throat and gives me an uneasy look. “Rose—sweetheart, I realize that you’re probably going to be angry with me, but I asked our friends and your family to come here today to offer you support and also—”

“Oh my God,” I say disbelievingly. “This is an intervention, isn’t it?” I’ve never actually been a part of one, but I watch reality television just like everyone else. A part of me wants to sit back and observe the show until I realize I’m the star of this particular one. Then I’m just angry, so fucking enraged. I trusted Max with the worst part of me, and he sold me out. They all know now; I can see it in their eyes—the uneasiness, the damn pity. And the humiliation on my parents’ faces. This is their worst nightmare. I’ve ruined the Madden name. They’re probably wishing it had just been alcohol or an oxy addiction. Those are common and somewhat fashionable among the rich. But no, their daughter cuts herself. More proof I can’t do anything right. “How dare you?” I hiss as I glare at Max. “You promised you would help me and this is how you do it? By betraying me?”

“Rose.” Matt steps forward, holding up a hand as if to stop my tirade. “This wasn’t Max’s idea. It was mine. We actually spent most of the time that you were asleep arguing about it. But in the end, neither of us could see another way. The people in this room care about you. They’re your support system.”

“You can’t discuss my medical records or treatment without my consent,” I snap at him.

He nods his head. “That’s correct and I won’t be. That’s why your friends and family are here. You and I don’t know each other very well, but I do care about what happens to you.”

Lucian steps forward, and everyone in the room seems shocked when he says in his usual commanding voice, “I’d like to speak to Rose alone if you don’t mind.” There is some shuffling of feet, but surprisingly, everyone turns to leave. Max looks hesitant, but finally gets to his feet and shuts the door behind him.
Wow, Lucian Quinn really is all powerful. I can’t imagine my parents meekly following orders from anyone else. They must surely be dying to tell me what an embarrassment this whole situation has been for them.

“Is this the tough love portion of the show?” I ask bitterly as I frown at the man I’ve come to think of as a brother.

He laughs, before lowering himself into the chair at my bedside. He appears completely relaxed as he stretches his long legs before him. “It’s love most certainly,” he answers, “and yeah, sometimes that’s tough.” Silence fills the small space as I wait to see what he’ll say next. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I always knew there was more going on behind the bullshit blinders you presented to the world.”

“If this is supposed to be your version of a pep talk, it sucks,” I huff out. How many more indignities will I be forced to endure today?

He has the audacity to wink at me, totally ignoring my blustering. “I know a kindred spirit when I see one, Rose. I spent years addicted to cocaine and only a few people in my life knew it. I was fully functional on it. Hell, in my opinion, it made me a better version of myself most days. Hence, I was never inclined to give it up, even though I knew I was playing with fire. Truthfully, no matter how weak it made me feel that I couldn’t stop, I don’t know if I ever would have if not for Lia. Loving her meant that my life was no longer just mine to risk. She owned a piece of me and she damn well deserved better that some man who needed to snort a white line in order to deal with day-to-day life. When she caught me using, it was almost a relief. I can’t tell you how ashamed I was to have someone who endured what she had discover my secret. I’d never felt like less of a man than I did at that moment.”

The fact that Lucian is sharing his darkness with me so candidly is shocking to say the least. I’ve always liked the man, and can understand why Lia is completely head-over-heels, but we haven’t said much to each other really.
He understands my darkness. He’s not judging me. What will he do if I share some of my brokenness and darkness with him, though?
“That’s why I didn’t want to tell her,” I admit softly. “She’s been through more than I can even imagine, and she’s the strongest person I know. I feel like a coward in comparison. I—I got so tired of never being good enough. No matter what, I was always a disappointment to my family. And every year it seemed to get worse. After a while, I lost sight of who I was and simply became Hoyt and Celia’s daughter—the chronic underachiever.”

“I understand, Rose, I really do,” he says earnestly. “Pain is pain, no matter the root cause. After dealing with the constant negativity that was Cassie, I realize how poisonous words can be. To feel as if you’re letting down the people you care about is demoralizing and it chips away at the very fabric of who you are as a person. When Cassie and I were together, there were more times than I even care to admit that I didn’t want to go home. The impending verbal backlash from whatever way I’d supposedly let her down that day was a torture that was as depressing as it was predictable. The sad part was that like any repeated pattern, I became almost used to it after a while—but the hurt it caused never lessened. Her arrows found their mark time and time again. Coke gave me a way to escape from all of those memories. I could pretend I was invincible. That I’d never hurt anyone and never been hurt.” He dropped his head for a moment, seemingly fascinated with the pattern of the tile on the floor. “I realize now that I was only going through the motions. Nothing touched me until Lia, and even then, I was using it to insulate me from the feelings she stirred within me.”

My fingers pluck nervously at the stiff sheet covering me as I admit, “I don’t know why I’m like this, Luc. I think something’s wrong with me. After what Cassie did to you, I can understand why you’d need a way to deal with trauma. But nothing like that has ever happened to me. I’m almost certain I was actually happy at one time. Then it’s as if I couldn’t handle life anymore. I started having crazy dreams that made no sense, so I was barely sleeping. Then I ended up taking pills to help me when I got to the point that I was so sleep deprived I couldn’t function.”

Lucian tilts his head, looking at me in question. “What kind of dreams?”

I shrug my shoulders, but I’m suddenly uncomfortable. “It’s nothing horrible or anything. It’s just this woman who I don’t recognize. She keeps telling me that I don’t belong—I’m not one of them. Then she begins crying and screaming so loudly that it hurts my ears. Someone pulls me away from her, but I don’t see who. I always wake up when she’s sobbing, ‘I’m so sorry, Poppy, please forgive me.’”

Lucian appears riveted by the dream that has haunted me for so long. The fact that I’ve had that same dream on and off for over fifteen years is something I’ve never mentioned to anyone but my parents. They’d brushed it off as they did most things in my life. “Poppy?” Lucian asks. “Do you know anyone by that name?”

Shaking my head, I say, “Nope, sure don’t. Points to me for originality in my dreams though, right?”

Giving me a smile I can’t help but be dazzled by, he moves in for the kill. “I’ve been seeing a therapist twice a week who I think you’d like. Her name is Joanna Chase, and she’s been a big help to me in gaining insight and control over my addiction.” I’m on the verge of blasting him for even suggesting such a thing when he tosses in something that has me rethinking my aversion to a shrink. “I mentioned her to your parents, and they were completely opposed. Let me know in no uncertain terms that you wouldn’t be interested in talking to a stranger about your issues.”

And there you go, folks. Once again, fucking parents of the year.
I know them well enough to guess that this has little to do with me and everything to do with the Madden name.
Rehab, sure. Your daughter in a nuthouse, hell no!
“So I assume you’ve already made an appointment for me,” I say and know I’m right when he gives me a sheepish grin. In that moment, I understand once again why Lia loves this man so much. The fact that he’s absurdly hot has little to do with his appeal. It’s the man underneath that makes him so attractive. I know without him saying it that he’d do anything in his power to help me. Sharing his personal struggles with cocaine could not have been easy for such a private person, but he did it to show me that I’m not alone. He, better than anyone, understands how crippling the shame and self-loathing is when you can’t stop the behavior that is destroying your life.

Lucian gets to his feet and perches in the place Max recently vacated. He pulls me into his arms and hugs me tightly. “Lia and I are here for you. You’re family to both of us.”

“That’s good,” I say huskily, “because I might need somewhere to stay. I’m kind of homeless right now, and my parents aren’t likely to welcome me back anytime soon after this bit of trashy behavior.” I bite my lip as I realize that I’ve so much as admitted that my romance with Max was a sham. He’d certainly never believe his friend would kick me out on the street or dump me in my time of need. Other than a slight, knowing smile, he doesn’t question me on my slip of the tongue.

Lucian winces as he ruffles my hair. “No offense, Rose, but they’re kind of assholes. I’m not sure how you turned out so well coming from those two.” I roll my eyes, thinking his comment about me turning out well might be a little far-fetched given I’m sitting in a hospital bed after cutting myself. “Anyway, I took the liberty of making you an appointment with Joanna for tomorrow afternoon at four. I’ll pick you up at your office around three-thirty.”

“Wait … what?” I stutter out. “You’re going with me?”

Lucian looks surprised by my question. “Well, of course. I know how hard taking the first step can be. I wasn’t kidding when I said we’re going to be with you, Rose. And you’re more than welcome to stay with us, although I have a feeling Max will be opposed to that idea.”

“You know we’re not actually involved,” I point out. “I don’t think you ever believed that we were.”

Lucian stands and straightens his clothing before acknowledging my statement. “Maybe not officially, but something has been there since almost the first. I’ve never known Max to be rattled by anything or anyone until he met you. It may take you both some time to figure it all out, but he’s crazy about you and I believe you feel the same.”
Lia has certainly worked her magic softening this man.

I’m still mulling his words when the door opens and a rumpled Max walks in. He looks briefly at Lucian before running his eyes over me as if checking for any new injuries.

And it’s there, in a hospital room wearing an ill-fitted gown with no makeup on and hair that feels like a rat’s nest, that it hits me.

I’m in love with Max Decker
.

I’ve been in lust with him for a while, and I’ve hoped that someday he would have feelings for me. But a part of me never dared to hope that anything would ever come of it. To become involved with him would mean that he would know my secret and I’m not certain I could have let that happen. Now, I’ve been laid bare for all to see, and he’s still here. Oh God, he hasn’t left me. In fact, he’s looking at me in a way that gives me hope that Lucian’s right. Could he feel the same? Before I can stop myself, I extend a hand, needing to feel his skin against mine. I wonder if he knows that there is nothing simple about the gesture. I’ve given him the power to bring more pain into my life than I’ve ever inflicted. For I thought at one time I had loved Jake, but now, I realize that he only ever had a small part of me. I know instinctively that Max would never allow me to hide. A love between us would burn so hot that we’d either be consumed by the flame or welded together so tightly that one simply could not exist without the other. Even as fear fills me at the thought, I thread my fingers through his—anchoring my destiny to the one man I fear I can’t survive without.