ROMANCE: Bear Naked Seduction (Billionaire Bear Trio Book 1) (63 page)

Chapter 4

There are a few stages you go through when you're first single again after being in a relationship, especially one that ended badly. To start with, there's a feeling of loss, and you start to realize how alone you really are. I became aware of this because of the small things, like something left in the fridge that Lacey had bought, or a movie we had recorded to watch together, and it made me feel this all-encompassing loneliness that suffocated me. All the plans we had made were never going to come to fruition and it wasn't just her I was saying goodbye to, it was a whole future of us being together.

But after that initial depressive shock there's a period where you are elated, and the world seems filled with possibilities. There are opportunities everywhere and you're overwhelmed with a feeling of purpose. Creative energy swarms over you and you start thinking about all the free time you have to pursue projects, finally writing that book or watching all those movies that you could never watch when you were together because she didn't like Nicolas Cage, and now you wonder how you could ever have been with someone who didn't like Nicolas Cage. And then you start thinking about going to a cookery class, and going dating again, and you start to notice all the pretty people around you but then you see the couples as well and you reach the third stage, where things balance out.

That's the stage I hated because there was nothing to be happy about. It was a stage in which I knew that things would never be the same. I had spent a lot of time and energy on our relationship, and it had led to nothing. I wasn't as young as I used to be and it wasn't easy to just date around. I had baggage, a word I used to hate when I was younger, and anyone I met would always be viewed in comparison with Lacey. It wasn't fair, but it was true. And the worst thing was that I was crap at dating and talking to people. Usually I met people by chance, but now that I was trying I must have had an air of desperation about me because nothing seemed to work, and it was easier for Lacey because she found someone else quickly (which was one of the things we argued about I mean...when we were together she barely had time to be in a proper relationship and then after we broke up she found someone so quickly that it made me wonder if she had loved me at all).

Facebook is a killer for that. I did hide her so I didn't have to look at her updates, but we still had a lot of mutual friends so she kept popping up and I had to deal with scrolling down, seeing her having fun when she should have been broken-hearted like me. Why wasn't she drowning in a sea of despair?

But that was all in the past and sure I'm angry but I have better things to do than let her spoil my future. I wanted to get back out there and find someone, even if it was just someone to hang out with. What I really needed was a bit of excitement and romance, I wasn't even looking for love, but I still couldn't find that. I tried nagging my friends to see if they knew anyone suitable but the answer always came back as negative, even though I saw them talk to people on Facebook who were pretty but apparently they were too pretty to me. I tried to hang out at coffee shops and bars but conversation never happened and I felt even lonelier among a crowd of people than I did sitting in my own apartment.

There was one refuge left, one that I didn't want to do, that I swore I would never do, but it seemed to be the only way out for me, the only slash of sunlight in the bleak fog...online dating.

I'd heard so many horror stories that I didn't want to sign up to it but it seemed to be a way of life in the 21
st
century. Everyone seemed to use it, and it was a great way to connect with people that you would otherwise never meet. So after getting over my initial trepidation I found myself creating an account. I spent an inordinate amount of time trying to come up with a username, and then I had to scroll through all the horrible pictures of me to find a few that were suitable and didn't make me seem like a troglodyte. In doing so I had to pass all the photos I had of me and Lacey, and I had to try not to feel nauseous at how happy we looked. The perfect couple, now apart.

After that I did the usual guff about how I loved traveling (even though I hadn't been on vacation in years) and when I read it through I sounded like a total loser, but I figured everyone thought that so I submitted the profile and then went through the website to see who was in my area and who had been selected as my matches. There were rows and rows of pictures, and I was amazed at how many single people there were around me. Where had they all been when I had been out looking for them? Probably sitting inside on their computers by the looks of it.

I started clicking on a few profiles, wondering who to message and what to say. I had intended at first just to find a couple of people to talk to and see what happened, but everyone seemed better than the last and I was left with a feeling that I wasn't in control. All those people were out there, waiting for me, but which ones did I choose? Which ones would like me?

My inbox flashed and my heart fluttered. I'd only just put my profile up and already I had three messages. I licked my lips and swallowed hard as I started to read. The first one was just from the admin welcoming me to the site, and the other two were from men. Both of them saying that they would love to take me to bed, as though I should have been grateful that they deemed me worthy of being fuckable. I scowled and cursed and meandered my way through the site until I found the settings, and changed them so that no men could bother me. After this I felt better, but I felt angry that I had gotten excited for nothing. I set the ice cream dish aside and turned the TV off, instead preferring to listen to music as I trawled the site for potential partners. I went through profile after profile, and I started to become the people I used to hate, those who would dismiss someone for an errant mole or a high forehead or a big nose, a shallow person. But it was easy to be shallow in the anonymous guise of the Internet, and yet I wondered what people were thinking of my profile when they came across it. For some I read, I was inspired, and quickly went back to my own profile to change it and make it more fun.

I sent a few messages, although when it came to sending a message I didn't know what to say and I hoped that it was well-received. I saw the number tick up on the people who had viewed my profile. I clicked on that,  but again it was mostly men, wit only a few women interspersed in between, a couple of whom were people I had just sent messages too. I hoped that they would reply, but none came, and I went back over them, trying to see where I had went wrong. It was an impossible task however, for it was impossible to know what was going through their heads. And I was sad because it seemed like I would only get one shot at talking to them and if the initial message didn't catch their attention then there would be no more chances afterwards.

I tried to keep my messages light and breezy but interesting, although it was hard to keep them unique and they started sounding like I was typing the same thing to everyone. The search pages went on for ages, all filled with possibility as anything could have happened with anyone, although the possibilities were closed when they actually read my message, for then they would either reply or not. But I was idly scrolling through when a picture caught my attention. I went back and stared closely at the screen, trying to make sure that it was who I thought it was, and then I sat back in disbelief for it was a blast from the past. I had just come across another ex, Shannon.

Chapter 5

Shannon had been an intense summer fling at a time in my life when I had been searching for a meaning. I had been in my early twenties and had just ended a serious relationship with someone else when I was reading in the park one day, and Shannon had walked up to me. She had long red hair and her skin was covered in freckles, and when she smiled the world seemed to get a little brighter. She sat beside me and although we had never met before she spoke to me as though I was an old friend, and this was one of the qualities that I had most admired about her. We spoke about the book I was reading and then the conversation turned to other matters. I found that I could tell her anything, and I was soon giving her all the secrets that I held close to my heart.

At first we were just friends because she had such an ethereal quality around her, and sometimes I wasn't even sure if she was real. I could well have imagined her. We spent a lot of time together and soon we weren't just friends but lovers, exploring each other’s bodies with the same excitement as we spoke about Sartre and Nietzsche, relishing every moment we had. We were compatible both in an intellectual sense and physically, and whenever she spoke it was like she had taken the words right out of my mouth.

Yet somehow I had known that whatever love affair we had would only be fleeting. She spoke of love as something that was alive, and her emotions took her to different places. She wasn't gay, and spoke without shame about her affairs with men and woman, and somehow I knew that at some point she would feel the need to explore something else. It hadn't ended like I expected though. One day she came to me in tears and told me that she had been accepted for a job in South America. I hadn't even known she had applied, and she told me that she had done it so long ago that it had been forgotten, but there had been a delay and they had only just gotten back to her. I think she wanted me to tell her to stay, and maybe I should have, but I couldn't. It was too good an opportunity to miss and I was too nice to tell her to stay, to be selfish, because I still felt that at some point we would end and she would always hate me for being the reason that she never got to go to South America. I didn't want that burden.

That night we made love for the last time and we hugged each other so tightly neither of us wanted to let go. Our kisses were damp as our weeping made our cheeks soaked with tears, and the salty taste lingered on my lips for days after. We decided not to keep in touch because we didn't want the pain. We were still young. We had our whole lives ahead of us and we wanted to keep each other as a fond memory. It ended so easily it was almost like it had never happened, and my life went on after her, never thinking that I would see her again.

So when I saw her on the dating site I had to do a double take, because as far as I knew she was still in South America. I couldn't resist the temptation and I clicked on her profile, and read about how she had only just returned from living in South America during the past few months, and that she was looking to make new friends and build up her social circle, because she was getting over a relationship and wasn't ready to get into anything else so soon. Her pictures were all of her smiling and having fun, except one that was taken as she gaze over a canyon, with the sunset in the background. It framed her body in a way that I thought was beautiful, and suddenly all the memories of her lithe body underneath mine came flooding back. I remembered how she would nibble on my ear and drag her tongue down my spine and all the other little tricks that she used to use, and my body started to tingle.

I hovered the cursor over the 'send a message' button but I dared not take the plunge. I looked at the pictures again and saw that she had moved on from me. She was always one to look forward, and we were something from the past. I didn't want to go ruining that memory either. I also figured that if she had wanted to get in touch with me then she could have messaged me when she returned, and that was that. Shortly after seeing her I didn't feel like trawling through the site any longer so I turned my laptop off and crawled to bed.

Out of idle curiosity I checked my mails the following afternoon and was surprised to see that my inbox had a few messages, some of which were actually from people that I had sent messages too, and I know it was shallow but the fact that these people had chosen to reply to me did give me an ego boost, and I enjoyed the thrill. I was about to reply to the first one when I realized that Shannon had sent me a message. My heart caught in my throat and I stared at the message for a long time, almost not believing that she had messaged me. I clicked it, nerves reverberating through my body.

'
Jenny, hey...surprised to see you on here, and a little sad that you didn't send me a message! Been a long time, would be great to catch up, shoot me a message when you're able x'

It was such a simple message, and so characteristic of her to keep things light and breezy. Before I knew it I was already tapping out a reply, and anxiously waiting the return message. To occupy my time I looked at the other messages that had been sent to me and I engaged in conversation with them, but I felt bad because I could only think of Shannon. She was the only one I wanted to talk to, the only one I wanted to hear back from, so when she finally did reply I instantly opened her message, not caring whether it made me seem to eager.

'
You're looking good in your photos...yeah I got back a few months ago. Things happened, you know what life is like. It's nice to be back but it feels different to when I was here before, or maybe it's just that I'm different? Maybe I've been away for too long. I'm just surprised to see you on here because, well, I don't want to seem like a stalker but when I got back I looked you up on Facebook and saw that you were in a relationship. I figured that your girlfriend wouldn't have been impressed if you received a message from your ex, especially since I'm sure you told her how intense things were between us ;). But I'm guessing things didn't work out? I'm here to talk about it if you need to. X'

'I totally know what you mean. I haven't left and even I think the place has changed, but yeah maybe it's just because we're getting older or something. Well, I've never had a stalker before so that's something to cross off the bucket list but I would have liked it if you said hi, I can understand why you didn't though. But yeah, we were having problems then anyway, it's a long story, maybe I'll tell you sometime. Things are still a bit raw, you know? To be honest I'm not even sure why I'm on this thing, it's just so hard to meet people nowadays. You mentioned on your profile that you'd just gone through a breakup, same deal goes for you. If you need to talk about it, I'm here. X'

I decided not to acknowledge the comment about the intense sex between us, but it did send a flush of arousal surging through my body. Shannon was always good at making me feel  good about myself. Whenever she gave me a compliment she had a way of saying it that made me feel like she had never said the words to anyone else, and she always made me feel special.

'
Yeah tell me about it, god, I feel so much older than I did when we were together! That seems so long ago now...so much has happened and I can't even begin to tell you everything. All I know is that everything feels more important now. When I was younger I didn't care if something didn't work out because, hey, there was always tomorrow, but now I'm almost thirty and everything has this weight to it, like I'm going to be locked into a choice forever. Don't worry about it, break-ups are never easy, sounds heavy. I know mine wasn't and thanks for your offer. I don't want to bore you with the details but actually it was kinda similar to what happened with me and you. I was coming back home and he wanted to stay there but this time he asked me to keep things going long distance, and I agreed, figured that we could make it work because we had been talking of spending the future together, even kids and everything (I know, me, talk about kids, who can believe it, right?) And he promised that he would come and see me because I told him that there was no point having a long distance thing if there wasn't a point when we could see each other, and the first time he was supposed to come up he canceled. Then it became harder and harder to get to each other on Skype and I didn't need the hassle of it, so the last time we called we had this big row and he tried to tell me that he was sorry and he would do better but I can't be dealing with that. I just need someone who is reliable. Anyway, so I thought I'd try this thing because, as I'm sure you've experienced, it's hard to meet new people, and I can't just go up to anyone on a bench and start speaking to them anymore! But this isn't great. Too many timewasters. Have you met up with anyone yet? I've had a few first dates but never any second ones...maybe we can grab a drink soon? It'd be great to have a proper conversation again, let me know when you're free x'

The offer was made in such a way that she expected me to agree, and of course I did. The thought of seeing her again after so much time was exciting and as we arranged the date my heart was beating more and more quickly.