Rock'n Tapestries (16 page)

“You
never told me you were a diabetic!” I wanted to scream it at him, but I knew I
couldn’t raise my voice in the hospital.

He
just shrugged. “Didn’t seem important, really.”

“
You
asshole!”
Words, angry, sad, and horrified, tumbled around inside my head
like dice. “Did you think no one cared about you? Did you think I wouldn’t care
that you were killing yourself?”

He
winced again, as though I’d stuck a knife in his back.  “I knew you’d care too
much.  Type-one diabetes is usually fatal.  I have always been on borrowed
time. I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone.”

I
sat back and stared at him. “Is that why you would never commit to me? Because
you thought you’d die young?”

The
nod was barely perceptible. 

“And
every time you started to feel something for me—really
love
me—that’s
when you knew it was time to pull the plug on us.”  I shoved my fisted left
hand between my knees to keep from taking a swing at him.

Another
nod.  “Well, except this last time. I knew I was seriously sick this last
time.”

Clarity
filled me with pain. “And Tanya was just a way to piss me off so I wouldn’t
come looking for you. You didn’t want me to see you like this.”

“Yep.”

“Asher...”
Things got stuck in my throat.  Things like
:  I would’ve taken care of you
so you didn’t die young!  I loved you enough that I would’ve taken a chance on
losing you at a young age!  You took that choice away from me, and I hate you
for it!
 

“Don’t
say anything, Chels. And don’t torture yourself with what might have been. 
I’ve always known I was going to do things my way.  What’s done is done.” He
lifted a troubled gaze to me.  “My only regret is that we didn’t have a
future.”

“Oh,
fuck you! That’s such
bullshit!
  You had other choices. You didn’t have
to hasten your...end...like this!”

He
shrugged.

I
let my gaze fall to the horribly depressing gray tile on the floor as my heart
threatened to explode out of my chest.  This just
couldn’t
be happening.
His eyes said it all though.  I’d looked into them enough when he was lying to
know when he wasn’t.

 “So
how long do you have?”

“Three
weeks or so.  They said the choice to unhook from everything was mine. I’m
still getting my affairs in order then I’ll have them shut me off.”

I
dropped my face into my hands and just concentrated on breathing. The baby...
his
baby...chose that moment to leap inside me, as though protesting the untimely
demise of her father, a man she would never know.  I pushed the cape aside and
put a hand to my stomach in an effort to calm her.

“Ho
ho, what’s this?” He laughed, his gaze roaming over my bulging belly. “What
have you been up to, Miss Whitaker?”

Should
I tell him? No.  I couldn’t.  I just couldn’t.  Dying like this at such a young
age was surely hard enough without knowing you’d fathered a child you’d never
see.

“I’m
Chelsea Sorenson now. I got married in May.”

The
look on his face made me want to punch his lights out. Regret, sadness,
devastation. Love. 
He fucking loved me
.  I clenched my teeth
.  Too
little, too late, Asher.  Why didn’t you trust me enough to tell me?

“Lucky
man.  Tell me about him.”

I
told him about Mr. Dreyfus hiring Tage as Tapestries’ manager, how we’d
connected almost right away.  I told him about our wedding and that we now
owned the bar. He smiled and nodded his head politely as he listened. I
wondered if he ached inside hearing it as much as I did telling him.  We were
planning ahead, living our lives.  Asher’s dreaming and scheming was about to
come to an end. It seemed unreal, inconceivable that someone so full of life
could be so
temporary.

“When
is the baby due?”

“In
about three weeks.” I glanced at him.  “It’s a girl.”  He could take that much
with him, at least.

“You’ll
have beautiful girls. I wish you and Tage all the best.” He winked at me and
flopped back on the pillow.  He inhaled deeply and went pale before my eyes. 
“Think of me once in a while though, won’t you, Chels? For old times’ sake?
Will you toast me at Christmas?”

I
was so close to bawling my eyes out I didn’t know if I could talk. “I hate that
you did this to yourself. I hate that you weren’t honest with me.  Damn you!” 
Then I said something I maybe shouldn’t have said, “Do you mind if I visit with
you again? I know you don’t have anyone in Pittsburgh...”

He
looked relieved. He closed his eyes and sighed. “I don’t have anyone at all
anywhere. I’d really appreciate it if you’d come and see me. If your husband
doesn’t mind, that is. The days are long in here sometimes. It makes me feel
better to see your beautiful face.”

I
cried so hard on the way home I had to pull over to the side of the road.

Nothing
but questions seemed to hang in the air. What to do? I was starting to rethink
my position on telling Asher about the baby. I couldn’t be pissed off at him
for not being honest with me when I wasn’t being completely honest with him. 
What would Tage say about that?

 I
loved Tage with all my heart, and I didn’t want to anger him.  Everything
except DNA made him this little girl’s daddy.  Tage would hold her in his arms
after she was born, see her first steps, help her ride a bike, and teach her to
drive. Asher would see none of that. Could my big Viking find it in his heart
to be compassionate to a dying man? 

Tage
was the kindest, sweetest man I’d ever met, but I knew what I was thinking of
doing would push his buttons. It would’ve pushed any man’s buttons.  He was
fiercely protective of the baby and me.  Now I was going to ask him to include
a third party in our little family triangle. A third party who had really hurt
the woman he loved.  It was going to be hard for him to look past all that.

I
peeled my forehead off the steering wheel and stared out through the windshield
of my Honda Accord, my vision still blurred by tears.  Asher was dying. I knew
I was not going to be able to live with myself if he died alone.  I had to try
to talk to Tage about it. 

I
hadn’t been married to Tage long enough to know what that blank, wide-eyed look
on his face meant yet.  He didn’t look angry, but I could tell he was far from
pleased.

He
inhaled, shifted on one foot, shook his head like a dog, and focused his gaze
back on me. “So let me get this straight.  You see the guy who got you pregnant
and abandoned you, you tell me he has a few weeks to live, and now you want to
go and visit him in the hospital?”

“He
didn’t get me pregnant and abandon me. He didn’t know I was pregnant when he
disappeared this last time. I didn’t know.”

“Oookay.”

“Don’t
say it like that. It’s a rather important detail.  Had he known about this
baby….”

“He
wouldn’t have left you, and you wouldn’t be my wife right now.”  I could hear
the pain in his voice. “Finish your sentence, Chelsea. I’m a big boy. I can
handle it.”

“Don’t
you dare put words in my mouth!” I had only a tenuous grip on my patience. I
needed to calm down.  “Look, we’re going down a road I never intended to go
down.  This isn’t about you and me…”

“Oh,
but it is.”

“It
isn’t,” I insisted.  “He has no one, Tage.  He’s dying.  He was as close to me
as he’s ever been to anyone, not including his mother.  What kind of person
would I be if I let him die alone?”

Tage
crossed his arms in front of him and pressed his lips together. “I sense an
ulterior motive here.”

“I’m
sorry that you think I have an ulterior motive in all this.” This was
frustrating. Time to try another angle.  “Look, I love you.  I’m going to be
your wife for a long time, hopefully.  I don’t love Asher anymore, but I do
feel a sense of responsibility toward him.  He has
no one
.  Do you
understand what that must feel like to someone who’s dying?  I know—it’s his
own fault he closed himself off from everyone who could have made a difference
in his life. I’m not going to debate that with you.  But I have a choice here,
and I don’t think I can live with myself if he dies alone in that hospital room
knowing I didn’t make any kind of an effort whatsoever.”  I let Tage absorb
that then continued,  “That’s just how I am, baby.  And I think that’s how you
are too.  You’re the kindest person I know.”

He
was silent for a long time, but I thought I saw the hardness in his eyes abate
a little.

“What
about the baby?”

This
was going to be the hard part—the tough sell.   “I’d like to tell him about
her.”

 He
snorted and went to turn away from me, but I grabbed his arm.

When
he turned back to me, he had tears in his eyes.  My heart squeezed a little for
the soft-hearted man I’d married.  Maybe I was pushing things too far.  I was
willing to compromise on this part of it, but I wanted to say what I was
thinking first.

“That
baby is mine,” he whispered with a catch in his voice.  “She’s mine, Chelsea.”

“She
is, and she’s so lucky to have you for a father.” I stepped closer to him and
wrapped my arms around him. 

“We
swore we weren’t going to tell anyone any differently.” He hesitated then
wrapped his arms around me as well.  He was warm and solid and smelled slightly
of patchouli, which I love.

“I
don’t think it’s a threat to this little family we’ve started if Asher knows
about her.  Can’t you find it in your heart to at least let him take this
knowledge with him?  It may bring him some peace if he knows a little bit of
his DNA is going to live on after him.”  I looked up at him.  “I’m not trying
to take anything away from you. I would never do that. If you insist that he
not be told, I’ll abide by your wishes. But you’re big enough to share this
with him. I know you are.” 

I
felt him stiffen, and I got the sense that he was going to ask that the baby be
kept a secret between the two of us. Bless his heart, Tage asked very little of
me, content to let me be myself in this marriage. That he was putting up even a
little bit of a fight on this issue spoke volumes to me.  I was prepared to let
it go if he insisted. 

He
rubbed my back in slow, gentle circles. He was as silent as a mountain.  I laid
my head against his chest and listened to the soft thump of his heart.  I loved
this man so much. I knew what I was asking was causing him pain, and that was
not my intention at all.  But marriage is compromise and diplomacy, right?

He
finally pushed me back a little, canted his head, and peered down into my
face.  “I’m going to ask one thing of you. Several things, actually.”

“What’s
that?” I looked up at him.

“First,
this little girl is never to know that I am not her father. 
Never.
I am
not going to be the kind of husband who makes demands of you, but this is
important to me.  Can
you
find it in your heart to agree to that?”

I
blew out a breath.  “Of course I can. I know how much you love her already. I
agree.”

“And
no one else is to know it either. Fair enough?”

I
nodded. “Fair enough.”

He
sighed.  I watched him make the decision to be a compassionate human being. 
“Then go and tell him. I don’t mind if you visit with him, but I would ask that
you take care of yourself.  No skipping meals or missing naps if you need one.
And I want the number direct to his room, if you don’t mind. I want to be able
to get ahold of you if I need to. Will you get it for me?”

“Of
course I will.”

“And
if all of this proves to be too upsetting for you, I’m going to ask you to stop
visiting him.  Are you okay with that?”

“Yes.” 
I knew I had to look after both the baby and myself, physically, mentally,
and
emotionally. 

He
pulled me hard against him—at least as much as he could with my stomach between
us—and kissed me on the top of the head.  

“This
hurts me, baby girl, but I love what you are inside.  I love that you care so
much about others. You’re going to be an amazing mother, and I feel very lucky
that you’re mine.”

I
broke down sobbing against his chest.  We stood there together for a long, long
time.

 In
truth, I was the lucky one.  I would try never to forget it.

I
didn’t go to see Asher again for two days.  I needed that time to process the
situation and think.  And cry.  How did things get so messed up with Asher and
me?

I
was so freaking confused for those two days I didn’t know if I was coming or
going.  I wouldn’t have Tage if Asher hadn’t run out on me yet again, so no
regrets there.  And yet…

 I
just had to accept that I couldn’t undo what had been done. I think that’s what
caused me the most agony. When it mattered—when Asher still would’ve had
choices and a chance of survival—I might’ve made a difference.   Now all I
could do was see him through to the end. 

And
still my soul was unsettled.  Do women have room in their hearts for more than
one man?  I can’t speak for anyone else, but I came to the conclusion that I
did.  I didn’t love Asher the way I loved Tage, but I knew without doubt he’d
always be a part of me.  I would never forget him.

I
gathered up my courage and got things right in my mind.  I would stay by
Asher’s side until he took his last breath.  That’s what you do for someone you
love, right?

“There
you are!  I thought maybe you’d changed your mind about visiting me.” Asher
pushed himself up to a sitting position in the bed.  Though his color was
terrible, his eyes were bright, the smile heartfelt.

“No,
I just had some things to do, that’s all.” I smiled slightly as I laid the
magazines and pizza I’d brought for him on his tray table.  “Have you eaten
yet? I brought pizza from Primanti’s for you.”

He
sucked in a breath and stared up at me with a grin.  “Holy shit, you really are
an angel, aren’t you? I don’t have much of an appetite lately, but I’d never
turn down Primanti’s.”

I
laid the warm pizza box on his lap then got out the paper plates and napkins I
had in my backpack.  He dug in with gusto.  I was glad to see it.  He was
nothing but skin stretched over a skeleton.

“I
knew you liked their pizza.  That’s why I brought it.  It’s bound to be better
than the hospital food they’re giving you.”

“It’s
not too bad actually.  They give me anything I want, any time I want it.  It’s
sure not pizza from Primanti’s though.” He put the already half-eaten slice of
pizza down on the plate and looked up at me. 

“Thank
you, Chelsea.  I really appreciate this.”

“Any
time, dude.”  I slid a slice of pizza onto my own plate and sat in the chair
beside the bed. 

“I
thought maybe your husband wouldn’t let you come back.”  Asher stumbled over
the word husband.  If I hadn’t known him so well, I would’ve missed it.

“He’s
a good guy. I’m lucky to have him.”  Unshed tears burned in my throat.  I would
have to be very careful about the things I said if I was going to hold it
together.

Asher
nodded and looked away.  “I’m glad you found someone.  I’m glad to see you so
happy.”

“Thank
you, Asher.”

He
wiped the corners of his mouth with a napkin, looking thoughtful.  “Y’know, 
I’ve been thinking about the two of us for the past couple of days.  I’ve come
to the conclusion that you and I were lovers in a past life, and we just
couldn’t get it right.  We’re doomed to repeat the past until we do.”  He shook
his head.   “Looks like it won’t happen in this one either. We’ll have to try
and fix it in the next one.”  He picked his head up and gave me a look that
ripped my heart out by the roots. “I’ll wait for you, Chelsea.”

“Oh
God….Asher…” I reached out and grabbed his hand. A lone tear tracked down his
cheek.  Now I knew the apocalypse was upon us. Asher Pratt did
not
cry.

“I’m
sorry,” he said as he wiped at his eyes.  “I swore I wouldn’t break down.”

I
took the hand I held in mine and splayed it against the bulge of my stomach. 
The baby chose that moment to kick. He looked up at me with wide eyes.

“I
am so angry with you for not being honest with me about your diabetes.  But I
can’t be angry about that if I’m going to be less than honest with you.”  I
inhaled and caught his gaze. I needed him to be looking right at me when I told
him.  “You’re leaving a little piece of yourself behind with me.  I just wanted
to thank you for that.”

He
looked bewildered as another tear dropped from the corner of his eye.  “I don’t
get what you mean.”

The
baby kicked again, and I held his hand hard against me, trying with all my
might to connect my daughter with her father.   “The baby.  She’s yours.”

He
shivered. I’ve never seen anyone go white so fast. “No way.  No freakin’ way.”

“She
was conceived the night you made love to me after Scott killed himself.  Guess
you didn’t get out fast enough.”  I gave him a half-smile.

He
stared at me for the longest time, his gaze darting all over my face, moving down
to my stomach when she kicked.